It was N and me from the very beginning until I started working nights at a local hospital. When that happened, he spent a lot more time with his dad. For almost a year, he spent the majority of his time with his dad and a major minority with me. If you've ever worked deep nights at a hospital, you'll know what I mean. When your days and nights are reversed, it seems like you can never get caught up on your sleep...and while I wanted to spend time with N every single day, there isn't a lot of quality time to spend when you feel like a zombie. I guess face time each day is more important than not, but it didn't always happen. It's a year that I regret.
Going forward from that time, I made it a point to spend time with him on a daily basis. He came back to live with me (pretty much full time since his dad only had one day off a week) when he was 2 1/2, and he's been with me ever since. Now that he's 10, I can honestly say it's been a pretty chaotic 8 years or N so, but he and I have always made it through together.
His dad and I have known each other since we were teenagers, and it's pretty accurate to say that we each know how to push each others' buttons. It doesn't happen often, but when it does...watch out! We've gone without incident for a quite a lengthy period of time, but today it just exploded.
N has always been free to go to his dad's every weekend if that's what he chooses to do. Since his dad is usually only off on Sunday, I have no problem with that unless we have something that we planned like a trip to Houston or a family thing. Very rarely, maybe one weekend a month, I keep N with me, but it's more like maybe once every six weeks or so. His dad was originally the one who started giving him the choice, while I said he was too young to be given the power to choose where he went and who he spent time with. It worked to his advantage at the time, so I get why he was adamant...
Until it backfired. Like every weekend for the last two months, N had a baseball game today. Usually, he goes to the game with me and then goes to his dad's following the game. They hang out for the evening, go to church the following morning, and then he comes home sometime in the afternoon/evening. I thought that was the plan for tonight, but N approached me after the game to see if a friend could spend the night. I asked him if he was sure he didn't want to go to his dad's, but he said he wanted to stay with me. I'm not going to force him to go if he doesn't want to; both of my kids know that they're always welcome here. Long story short(ish), his friend had a lacrosse game (match?) tomorrow and had been up super early for one today, so they had to pass. I, again, offered him the option of going to his dad's, but he said he wanted to stay. Fine with me.
Not so fine with his dad. He called and started a fight, whether he meant to or not, and put N in the middle. He had N playing messenger, which I hate. If that wasn't bad enough, he told N he was going to spend the night over there tonight and not here, and when N protested, his dad kept telling him to say "Yes, Sir." instead. Essentially, he was being a bully in my opinion. Mama bears do NOT like it when anyone bullies their kids into something they don't want to do, especially when it's the Papa bear.
He came to my apartment, just as I knew he would. I sent N to the shower and told him to go about his business, that I would take care of it. Part of his argument for staying here is that he has homework to finish, and it's hard to focus over at his dad's with a 3 month old. I don't blame him. Anyway, his dad pulled up and I was outside, checking the mail. I told him N was staying, that he wanted to stay and he said N didn't have a choice. I pointed out that he was the one who gave N a choice at the beginning and it wasn't up to him to dictate when N was allowed to choose. He ignored me.
He took his infant out of his truck and followed me up the stairs. He followed me inside, and stood there defiantly with his arms crossed over his chest, saying he wasn't leaving unless N was with him. I asked him repeatedly to get out of my home and he refused. You can probably imagine my frustration at this point. He cornered my son and told him to get his stuff together. N argued with him, saying he didn't want to; he wanted to stay with me. I don't ever condone arguing with an adult, but at this particular point, I felt the adult was in the wrong and I'm proud of N for standing up for himself. He was respectful and polite, but adamant that he didn't want to go.
After what felt like an extremely long time, he finally left. He was rude and distasteful, bringing up things to attack my character in front of our 10 year old, who will never forget tonight happened. As he left, he kept alluding to the fact that I am a liar and do not stand by my word, while you can take everything he says "to the bank...because it's money." I have an issue with this, and I have an issue with my son collapsing into my arms and bursting into tears because he felt like this was all his fault.
Because it wasn't. Not one bit of it. He goes to his dad's every single weekend. Once in a while, he stays with me. Just because he's with me all week for school does not mean we get the quality time we are able to enjoy on the weekends, and we had a great day together today...until 7:30 this evening.
I kept telling him that he wasn't the cause of this situation, that sometimes adults disagree. It has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with the fact that people aren't all the same. If they were, the world would be boring. He has two parents, and at the end of the day, we both want what's best for him...even if we're not always in agreement on what that is. I worry that he will be punished for his choice to stay with his mom instead of going to hang out with his dad. I know that hurt his dad's feelings, even if he won't admit it. N is caring and compassionate, kind-hearted old soul, and I think one of the reasons that he was so upset was because he knew he had hurt his dad's feelings.
I never ever discourage N from going to his dad's. In fact, I'm usually the one telling him it's cool if he goes. I love the weeks where both N and B are with me, but there's something extra special about the weeks where it's just the two of us. He is my son, and I am his mother, but we're friends too. We hang out and talk about everything, and it's just our normal. I love our time together, and it warms my heart that he loves it enough to choose to hang out with me every once in a while...
Aubs
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