A rock and a hard place

Have you ever felt that way?  I can't think of anyone who hasn't...  And, to be honest, I've been between many a rock and a hard place in my life, but they all pale in comparison to where I am right at this moment.

I've been in situations as a parent where I really hate the decisions I have to make, but I know why I have to make them.  Sometimes, you have to be the bad guy.  Sometimes you have to hear the hurtful words your kids yell out in anger because they're frustrated, upset, or they just don't understand.  You can't always save the day, can't always be the hero, can't always be the good guy.

There are situations where you're forced to make a choice in a relationship: where you know things aren't going anywhere or they aren't going the way you know you need them to go.  It's probably one of the reasons why I don't date; I don't want to risk wasting my time or effort.  I know that's a really bad reason, but at this point, I'll take bad reasoning over pointless any day of the week.

Truth be told, I don't really want to date anyone.  That's not a priority in my life right now.  I don't like being alone in the parenting world all the time, and sometimes (like tonight) I'd kill for someone to back me up with my boys, but I'll take parenting alone over the potential cost of having someone else in my corner anytime. 

My boys are my priority.  School is my priority.  Finding a job I can enjoy while putting my boys and school first is a total priority...and where I'm at right now, isn't working.  I'm at the point where I literally hate going to work; where I almost hope one of my kids gets sick or I'm sick myself, so I don't have to go.  Their bus has started coming later in the morning, so I barely make it to work on time.  In fact, I'm usually a few minutes late.  I've mentioned that there has been a change in the bus schedule, but they either don't listen or don't care.

There's a policy that is sometimes enforced, where if you're late, they will send you home for the day.  They never enforce it with me, and it frustrates me.  There's another policy where, if they see your cell phone out, they will either confiscate it for the day or send you home.  Since I have children, they would have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers...yes, their school has my work number, but they always call my cell first, and I'm not about to miss something of importance because I'm not "allowed" to have my phone.  It's silly.  I'm a grown woman.

Sorry for the rant...but a good friend tonight totally hit the nail on the head when she said I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I really am.  And my kids are starting to feel it too.  It doesn't take much to irritate me or frustrate me any given day during the week.  The first few days B's back from his dad's house, it's amplified.  The days N forgets part of his homework or we have practice, it's amplified that much more.  The days I have school deadlines, it's even worse.  We have a hectic and chaotic household...and it works for us most of the time.  It would work a whole lot better if I enjoyed my job.

 It would work a whole lot better if mom was happier because the saying is entirely true:  If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Aubs