Today has been one of those days...you know the kind. I went to take the boys to school, but my car was running on fumes, so we left early to get gas. When we got to school, there was still 20 minutes to kill before they would even open the doors to let them in, so we got to hang out. In the car. And nobody had anything to say except for gripes. B woke up on the wrong side of the bed, I was irritated because he was headed to his dad's this afternoon, and N was NOT thrilled about getting his hair trimmed this afternoon.
I dropped them off, came home, and started to work on a paper, but realized I really needed to go to sleep and wake up in a better mood...so I did, only as I was about to fall asleep, B's stepmom called to discuss the meaning of life. Okay, maybe not, but she wanted to discuss summer arrangements. In March. I mean, I'm all for planning ahead, but I have no clue what's going to happen in April, let alone June-August. Good grief.
After that, I went to sleep, and woke up to a ton of emails, reminding me that I had a lot more to do than can be done in one day, and why did I decide it was a good idea to take a nap?? Oh, right...because I suck at life today. One of the emails was from my friend who's getting married in June. Long story short, the dress that we had chosen for me to wear was not what she had wanted after all, and she really wanted another one that hadn't been available before but was now. I suggested we talk rather than email because something had been weighing on my mind and heart for a few weeks, and I felt like we needed to talk it out.
See, a few weeks ago, at baseball tryouts, I found out that the boys' baseball season goes into the first week of June...they have a big tournament the last weekend in May: their first tournament, and they were thrilled to hear about it. N, however, was not thrilled to hear that I would be missing it for my friend's wedding...in fact, he got extremely upset, and I get it. See, I'm the one who always shows up in N's life. He may not always want me there, but he knows that I'll be there, cheering him on and standing behind him no matter what he does. I've missed two regular season games so far: one baseball and one basketball, and he let me know how much that hurt. Granted, I won't always be able to be there for everything, but when it's something that's important to my kids, I'm going to be there, come hell or high water. That's just what parents do.
I've been bottling this up inside for a while now, and when I got the email today about the dress, I laid it out there for her. She's been my friend for a long time, the majority of our lives, and I love her dearly. I've been going back and forth between going to the wedding and missing out on something special with my boys and staying here for baseball & my boys and missing out on a special day with one of my closest friends, and I wasn't sure which choice would be the right one; which choice would cause the least damage. As I'm starting to explain all of this to her, she said, "So are you saying you don't want to come to my wedding?" and I told her it wasn't that simple. I'd love to be in two places at once. In fact, I was telling my mom last night that maybe I could fly in right before the wedding, and fly out right after. Because my friend is a mom herself, I think she understood where I was coming from...especially since I really am the only one in N's corner 95% of the time. She said she would pick her daughter, too. We both were sad about it...I know we've both been looking forward to it, but hopefully, we'll get to spend some time together in the near future...hopefully before she becomes a Mrs.
With that off my mind and off my heart, I met the boys at the bus stop and told them the news. N threw his arms around me and said, "Thank you, Mom. I know that was really hard for you to do because she's like you're sister, but I would've been really sad if you missed my first tournament." And I knew I'd done the right thing.
After B left for the remainder of the week, N and I went to IKEA to look around. We didn't really need anything, but once we got there, I remembered that I took my glass bowls to Houston to leave at my dad's house, and I wanted to replace them. Mostly, we just wandered around, looking at stuff and waiting for my friend to get to her salon space. She saves samples and stuff that she thinks I'll like for me...because she's awesome. I had mentioned that we wanted to trim N's hair a little bit because it was starting to get mullet-ish in the back, so she had him sit down and went to work, thinning it out and trimming it up.
When we got home, N took a shower, washed his hair, and we blew it dry. And then he started to cry. It wasn't what he wanted at all, and he was so upset that I had held him to what he said about wanting to trim it. I apologized over and over again, and told him I'd take him to get it fixed. I called J, told him what happened, and dragged N (unwillingly) out of the house to fix it. I knew if I didn't fix it, he'd be made fun of tomorrow, and my heart couldn't handle that. Kids are such jerks. Seriously. So, I found a girl who fixed it as best she could, only it was so much shorter than he was wanting it to be, and he was visibly disappointed.
I asked him what I could do to make it better, and he just cried harder. I knew he needed new shoes, and I'd begged him to put it off until tomorrow, but I asked if he wanted to go ahead and go look, and he agreed. So, off we went to our (least) favorite store: Sports Authority. The store really doesn't suck...but the customer service is horrendous, so we wandered around, looking...and then J called to see how it went. I told him we were looking at shoes, and he said he'd come meet us. There wasn't much that interested him, so I told him we'd go across to Shoe Carnival, which is where I've found every single pair of shoes for both him and B since we moved back to the area last summer. The prices are always reasonable and they almost always have a "Buy One, Get One 50% Off" sale going on. He found a few to try on: two pair were men's...YIKES! Ultimately, he settled on a crazy bright pair of yellow Nike something or other, and, in a surprising turn of events, J cut me a check for half of them.
I've been blowing through money left and right...you know how the first of the month goes: Rent, bills, the kids always need something, doctor's appointments, and don't forget that B is doing the whole "no dairy" thing (and both boys eat like they've never seen food in their lives), so my grocery bill is through roof. I have yet to talk to my "silent" partner about all of this...mostly because he forgot to call me back. Hey...Dad. Call me back, okay?
When we got home with shoes that didn't have extra holes in them, N caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and came unglued. Truthfully, he doesn't look bad. He looks like a boy...a little shaggy, but not the hair he had this morning. He crawled into bed, sobbing, and I crawled in with him and just held him. And he let me. And even now, that simple gesture brings tears to my eyes. I rubbed his back, and told him the story of my first day in 5th grade wearing glasses. I told him how I was sure I was going to get made fun of, and I dreaded it...but it wasn't nearly as big of a deal as I thought it would be. I told him about how there are some people we know that don't even have hair anymore...and they're young. They just lost their hair at an early age because sometimes genetics and heredity sucks. And I think it helped. He kept telling me he was so ugly, and it broke my heart.
I know parents are always biased, but I know I have two pretty cute kids. Everyone goes through awkward stages where teeth are growing in, hair is growing out, bodies are changing, and so on...but those only last for a short while (hopefully) before you go on to the next bump in the road. I tried my best to explain to him that all that really matters is how you see yourself. For lack of a better way to describe it...haters gonna hate. You know? Those who constantly make fun of others do so because they're insecure or maybe they just don't know any better. Maybe that's how they were raised. And N knows all of this because he talks to me about it all the time.
But my heart is breaking for my boy who cares so much about others and is so much like his mom...not only in that aspect, but in the aspect that he/she always thinks he/she has something to prove...especially self worth.
Aubs
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