I like to go on with life, pretending nothing is wrong, making it appear that my life of single parenting is easier than it looks, that I don't miss being part of a duo or partnership. And a lot of days, all of those things are entirely true: I am blessed to have a life that is less stressful than I deserve, my children are (over all) well-behaved and respectful (albeit more so to others than to their mother), and I'm typically perfectly content being by myself. But then there are those days where I feel the stress, my kids are being terrible (or at least that's how I perceive it), and I'm so completely lonely and miserable that it takes very little to make me burst into tears. Usually that doesn't happen until I'm in bed, winding down for the night, and the "aloneness" just hits me. Like a ton of bricks.
Last night, I was in the mood for a chick flick, so I turned on "Something Borrowed." I've seen this movie a handful of times, and I love it. There isn't really any rhyme or reason as to why, but I just do. I was explaining it to my friend...telling him that it's nice (in theory) to be someone's first choice, not their second or third or twenty-fifth. I wouldn't know this firsthand, but I'm sure it's a great feeling. (Okay, once upon a time, I might've been someone's first choice, but for a variety of reasons it never worked, and since then, I've never felt what I felt at that particular moment.) And when I get this way, as I'm sure many people do, I think about the "what ifs" and the "could have beens", and it's just never a good idea. There are people in my past (recent and not so recent) that I completely adore. At some point, I've loved them, wanted to smack them, thought about a future with them, and wanted to hit them...sometimes within the span of 10 minutes. I still love them, but it seems the love has evolved: sometimes it's romantic love, sometimes the love of a best friend, and sometimes a combination of several different kinds of love, but the fact still remains that they're just out of reach. They remain elusive for a reason; one I may never know or understand. I just know that I want to NOT want them...but do I really? Do I really want to not have them around? Is that true? I almost think I need it to be true, but then again...UGH! I used to be adamant in my answer: Yes, I do want them around. No, I don't want them around. Now, I seem to walk a fine line...right down the middle, and it gets me nowhere. On nights like this, I toss and turn as I wonder why they keep popping up in my life. Why, when I've just gotten to the point where I don't think about them all the time, do they suddenly become prominent in my thoughts? Why does this keep happening? Why can't I get it to stop?
I'm human. It gets old being by yourself. Do I NEED someone to feel complete? Absolutely not. Would it be nice to have someone in my corner? Absolutely. But it's not necessary...it's a "want" and not a "need." My boys would argue this...in fact, on the way home from practice, N begged me to arrange for men to show up his games so his mom wasn't the only one there. It broke my heart. "Mom, I'm glad you can be at my games, and I want you there, but can you make sure some guys come? I don't even care if it's Chase (his uncle) or someone who doesn't care about baseball, as long as they know me. Please?" How could one possibly feel adequate after that? I know he meant no disrespect to me...but I'm his mom, and I understand how much he wants to have an active male role model in his life.
Today, B's dad was angry about B accidentally dropping his iPhone, and shattering it. It was new, and although B did not "obey without delay" and do what his dad asked, it was an accident. Because of this, his dad didn't want him to go to his first baseball practice. He didn't want him to participate at all. Essentially, it became a "let's dredge up the past and let me just talk all the crap to you I can because my wife isn't in the car to make me stop and this is how I feel like I can control you." He was unsuccessful. And, when he DID show up at B's practice, he tried to make me feel inferior, but I didn't take the bait. Why? He's not worth it to me. He never was. Did he push my buttons? Definitely. Does he have the power to make me react? Not anymore. There was a time where I would've come unglued anytime he spoke to me the way he spoke to me today, but I kept my cool. I explained where I was coming from, and he's the one who blew up. And, honestly? It was a huge step for me. He has no power anymore, whether he realizes it or not...and I think he did.
Towards the end of N's practice, I spied his coach from last fall, and he came over to talk to me. He nodded towards N's coach and said, "He's in such good hands. I'd let my son play for him, and he has played for him...he's a good one." Immediately, I felt so much better. This guy totally doesn't beat around the bush. I trust him and his coaching advice, and if he says this coach is a good one for N to have, than I'm totally good with it. As for the baseball schedule, it's back to the original hectic schedule. The board voted on the schedule change, and it was denied. It caused too many issues, but I'm so grateful that the commissioner of N's league and several of the coaches went to bat (pun OBVIOUSLY intended) for the parents who have conflicts. It makes me happy to be a part of an organization that wants to make it a good experience for all.
This day has been rough, but tomorrow will be better. It has to be. My family is going through some stuff right now...in a variety of ways it is heartbreaking and hard to imagine and has left some of us completely stunned. We will get through it. We are strong in our support for each other, and strong in our faith. God is in control, and we will let Him take the reins here...but it's still hard to understand the logic behind the turmoil. I'm thankful to be a part of a family that sticks together, "whether times are good, bad, happy, or sad." We support each other, but even more than that, we love each other.
And, well...you can't really top that or put a price tag on it, nor can you put a price tag on this:
Aubs
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