When it's over

Without going into too much detail it's been a really rough calendar year in my household.

I am moving into a new place on Sunday and today I had my 17-year-old son come and pick up the rest of his belongings. He's storing them at my mom's until he figures out what his next move is but it was really hard for me for this to be the path that we had to take.

When he came to get his stuff he was angry and I would imagine quite hurt. We've taken "breaks" from each other before where's he's gone to stay with his dad, temporarily, while we both cool off but this has an air of permanence. No, there's no "air" of permanence. It is permanent.

It breaks my heart and gives me hope all at the same time. It breaks my heart because it is hard to send your firstborn to his dad's permanently. It breaks my heart because the reasons seem so futile and yet they are also so important. It is yet another in a long line of brokenhearted moments in the last year.

I know my stubborn, willful, kind-hearted son is hurting now but there is always hope. It is my hope that he will continue to forge his path and create this life that he desperately wants to make his own. It is my hope that he will know success with a minimum of failure but, if he must fail, that the failure will be something that is useful to him as he redefines success and tailors it to the plans he's made.

It is my hope that one day he will not look at me with anger in his eyes and venom on his tongue and that he will realize that the reason I made this happen was simply because I loved him too much to let him continue this pattern of self-destruction.

My heart breaks and is simultaneously hopeful every single day but today was definitely more heartbreak. And after he was gone I went into his room and took down the curtains. I removed the last few things from the room and bathroom and, as I walked into the hallway while folding his shower curtain, a song came on my playlist, a song that struck such a huge emotional cord with me that I crumpled to the floor and sobbed into that shower curtain like I'd just lost everything.

"Boy" by Lee Brice

"Boy, you're gonna know it all, you'll think you're ten feet tall, and run like your bulletproof and total a car or two. Boy, you're gonna hate this town, wish you could burn it down, that fire in your eyes is twenty counties wide...Boy, you're gonna be so stubborn, yeah, you get that from your mother. I can already see it now, you're not built for backing down."

Even now I can't even describe the pain that I felt and, if you know what I'm talking about, then, listen to me, dear one...I am so sorry. I know your heart is shattered and it may take a long time to pick up the pieces but you can. And you will. And you are an example of strength and grace for us all.

This is a season in life and I understand that but it's just such a really hard season. I truly hope that he and I will mend what has been damaged whenever he's ready. Until then...it's just hope.

Tonight I got in the car and drove...for hours. I gave one of the more gut-wrenching car concerts of my life until I just couldn't anymore. Then I drove home and climbed into bed (where I am now) knowing that sleep will not come for several hours still and I'm probably not done crying yet.

The question is do I help it along by watching a little 2005 "Pride & Prejudice" and just allow myself to completely breakdown? How much do I want my face to resemble a swollen punching bag tomorrow as I host 3-4 Zoom meetings? Will it even help?

I think it's important to understand that my personal life, my life with my own children, used to be the only focus that I had. They were the reasons I started to blog: funny stories and anecdotes about parenting as a single mom to two boys who are pretty dang hilarious and witty, and just to keep it as real as possible. As they got older, they wanted out of the "limelight" of my life. They asked me not to post about them on social media and I respect that, so I did. I was so busy with life and school and trying to be a perfect person juggling entirely too many things...that I let my "outlet" fall by the wayside. Picking it back up again, albeit during a pandemic, has often soothed my soul on nights where nothing else has worked.

Because of their requests, my (venting) focus has changed. While they would like to remain anonymous I also have 170-something other darlings who will remain anonymous, too...but it's way easier to describe the frustrations and hilarity without revealing identities.

So, today, when one precious one sent me a message basically saying, "When is our exam and also how do we do it?" after I've literally made posts at least once a week (usually more), not to mention MAILED them materials with the information inside, done multiple Zoom meetings to explain, and posted resource after resource...I struggled to respond in a way that was productive. I suggested they check their email for emails from the College Board.

And then I did a crazy thing. I TURNED OFF MY PHONE.

Yes. I did. And do you know what? I didn't die. I didn't miss anything important. It all waited for me.

Crazy, right?

Aubs