Staying busy

I move in just a few days. There is a lot that needs to be done. There is a lot of partial packing going on around here and my desire to do anything additional is pretty low. It'll get done but it's going to be chaotic and, while I do enjoy some chaotic situations sometimes, this is not one of those times.

I like my carefully controlled chaos in the classroom. I like the cacophony of noise: laughter, good-natured yelling, the zipping and unzipping of backpacks, the low chatter they think I don't hear (but soon realize I always do with a "How did you HEAR that? You were across the room!" and even the clicking of pens and pencils. I miss going off on tangents and then having to explain those witty tangents which makes them less funny and interesting but also more so at the same time because it's like they're anxiously awaiting the next one...and they're going to get it this time!

I miss the arguments and debates. I miss the roasts. God, I miss the roasts. I miss the bright smiles, the hugs, and the runninginthedoortotellmethemostamazingthingthatjusthappenedandI'llneverguess moments. I miss being able to tell, simply by the looks on their faces, whether their actual mood matches what their words say. I miss my radar for "off behavior" which is rarely wrong. I miss the jokes and the banter. I miss the hugs and the notes and the loitering way some of them pack up to leave so they don't have to rush out the door or those who "accidentally on purpose" leave their phones in the wall pockets so they have to come back later.

I miss them calling me "mom" or one of my other approved name choices. I just miss them. And, a lot of the time, being around them helps me to not miss my boys as much. But, the truth of the matter is, I hate this. This is not the type of mom I ever thought I would be. I have been super active and present in the lives of both of my boys from day 1. I've been room mom and team mom and the house where everyone wants to come hang out, play video games, and eat snacks. That has pissed my boys off but also made them really happy at the same time. Emotions are hard, man.

I just feel so...empty. Perhaps it's the isolation that we're all practicing right now with social distancing and all of that but it's seriously lonely. Lonelier than I realized. Being able to see/talk to my students helps. Going from seeing their faces daily to not seeing them at all is really lame. I had two Zoom sessions today to discuss their upcoming AP Exam and the usual suspects showed up for the first one (4-7 of them) but I had more than I expected for the evening Zoom, including a couple I haven't heard from in a while. It made my heart happy to hear from them and hear their voices even though most of them refused to show their faces. I did get to see a couple of them when I did a drive-thru run for an iced coffee and that made my afternoon.

This whole situation has been a great lesson in slowing down. Everything happens for a reason but I'm counting down to all.the.happy.reunions...with my own boys, first and foremost, but also with my school kids. I can't wait to hug all of their necks and tell them how much I love them.

Aubs

P.S. My AP kids have started to receive their notes. The sheer number of messages I've received since they started being delivered and the tones of surprise and happiness and all.the.feels they've told me they felt...well, it's just been the hugest mood booster to know that such a simple little thing has had such an impact on their mood and motivation. I declare success!