Today was my day date with my work bestie, Jenna. I have been looking forward to this day all week! I got to our designated meeting location first so I ordered both of us coffee and waited for her and our two mini-men to get there. Our first stop? HomeGoods. When I saw the sign I legitimately felt giddy. I'm not kidding. It's been sooooo long and, although I am not super into home decor, I love a good candle or funky piece of wall art that I never knew I needed until right that moment.
Isn't it crazy how that works?
Anyway, we perused the aisles of HomeGoods (and TJ Maxx because they were connected!) and I found a couple of candles that were fresh and clean smelling, bordering on manly. I like these candles because they permeate spaces well and they aren't overpowering. I take candle purchases very seriously. Jenna found a super cute wall sign with hooks for by her front door that has an old-fashioned light bulb on it THAT ACTUALLY LIGHTS UP!
Our purchases made, we decided to go to Target because we were on a roll. By that point the baby opted to take a little snooze and the big little man was happily holding each of our hands and walking around with this Toy Story cowboy boots on the wrong feet because that's how all the cool 4-year-olds wear them. Duh. In Target we wandered but didn't really find what we were looking for so we bought a coloring book for the little man and said our goodbyes for lunch and naptime.
I kept going, though, because I was on a roll and my coffee had 4 shots of espresso. I'm on a hunt for something for the wall above my couch to tie it (a neutral khaki color) to my favorite chair (red floral print) that I will be cremated in someday so nobody else can have it. I'm probably not kidding. My boys have told me, on more than one occasion, if I were a piece of furniture I would be that chair. I'm not sure if they were calling me square/boxy or fat but, if they were, I'll take it because that's how much I love that damn chair.
Anyway, Kirklands was meh. Hobby Lobby was worse. World Market was only doing curbside pickup, which is absolutely stupid. You don't choose what you want at World Market...World Market tells you what you need when you peruse its aisles. Everybody knows that. Jerks. As I was wrapping up my Highland Village adventure my mom texted me to see if I could go by Target or Walmart for her. "For what?" I asked. "A pocket hose," she replied.
I am not a mature person, friends. I laughed and laughed like I was a 15-year-old boy. I had tears streaming down my face. I told her to mobile order it and I would pick it up because there was NO WAY I'd be able to check out with a pocket hose and keep a straight face or not cause a scene. Four shots of espresso in a short time, remember? And who in the hell came up with that name? For the love of all things...I don't even know what could be better and less awkward. I'm at a loss.
I made my way to Target and had to go in to get the "item." Oh, Jesus..."item" makes it even worse! I had to go inside to pick up her package...nope, not any better. When my mother's order was ready I had to go inside to pick it up. Taylor, a not unattractive male, greeted me with a smile and I told him I was there as a "designated pick up person" to pickup something my mother ordered. He scanned the barcode on my phone and looked at the display and...y'all, he burst out laughing! It was the "go ahead" I needed so we were both just standing there, laughing, for about 30 seconds until he said, "I'll be right back with...that." Still laughing, and getting strange looks from EVERYONE around us, Taylor disappeared, then reappeared a few minutes later with a bag. He looked me dead in the eye, told me to have a great afternoon, and then, half a beat later, we both started laughing all over again.
Since it was only 3:00 I decided to go to the other HomeGoods (nearer to my apartment) to see if they had any different wall art since I'm going to obsess about that until I find something that pulls my living room together. They did not but the bonus about the shopping center across the highway from me is that there is basically EVERYTHING you could want over there: Kroger, Total Wine, 1/2 Price Books, Michaels, TJ Maxx/HomeGoods, Target, Ross, Ulta, Tuesday Morning, Kohls, and probably more that I've forgotten. TJ Maxx/HomeGoods and Ross are right next door to each other so I popped into Ross and...that's where it happened. I met my perfect match.
I meandered back to the candles and smelled a few of them. The one labeled "tobacco" was too sweet smelling but I picked up this tall, black candle and sniffed, preparing myself for something that would be overwhelming. I was overwhelmed, alright...that candle smelled so damn good that I was instantly mesmerized. It smelled like how I would want my boyfriend to smell (if I had one) when he was freshly showered. Since I don't (have one), I figured the candle would have to do. I scoured the shelves for another one but it was the only one. Of course it was. A girl should be a one man, I mean candle, girl.
I took my purchase to the front and waited patiently to pay for my newest prized possession. This is not me objectifying a man, for the record. I'm talking about a damn candle. I took 10 steps outside the store and heard a deafening crash while my bag simultaneously felt significantly lighter. I looked down to see that the bag had a huge slit in it and my beautiful, sexy smelling candle was lying on the ground, covered in shards of glass. I picked it up, brokenhearted, and took it right back into the store. I told the cashier (a different one) what happened and she said, "I'll give you your money back." and then she smelled it and said, "OHMYGOD that smells like a sexy man" Yes, yes it does. BUT IT WAS MINE FIRST! I felt very territorial over my broken sexy man candle (sexy mandle? YESSSSS!) which is utterly ridiculous but whatever. I'm ridiculous. She lamented over the broken candle with me for a few minutes while she issued my return and told me to take a picture so I could find it on Amazon or something. Brilliant idea!
As I left the store with an empty heart and empty hands I did what any rational person would do: I created a social media post. I knew that it would be met with a lot of laughing face responses because the people I am friends with on social media actually know me. They know I've been single for a decade (and what kind of life I had before that). They know that I've toyed with the idea of dating but ultimately always come up with reasons why it's a no-go. And most of them know that I'm maybe a little more open to the idea these days but not down for the online dating scene because it creeps me out.
So when I said, "I found a candle that smells the way I would want my boyfriend to smell...you know, if I had one, so I bought it. As I walked out of the store, the bag ripped and the candle shattered on the ground. How poetic. And typical." I knew it would generate laughter. And, just as it often goes, it was the only one in the store. This is the best metaphor for my love life, or lack thereof, ever.
I can't help but laugh.
And spend time tracking down where else I can purchase this candle...you know, until I find a man that smells even better than this candle which, for the record, I'm not sure is even possible, but it probably is because...pheromones, am I right?
Sigh. I'm going to dream about this damn candle. I wonder if the candle will take on any specific person or human characteristics in my dream.
Oh, Jesus, this could get REALLY awkward.
Aubs
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