If the school year had continued the way it was supposed to, today would have been the last day of school. Tomorrow the staff would've gone to school and finished the stuff we needed to do to shut our rooms down for the summer and we would've kicked off the summer break by about noon. But since this year very quickly became anything but typical, the last day of school, for some of the kids anyway, was March 12. It's so crazy to think about just how long we've been at home.
The second half of the year is basically just one of upheaval and it's left me super uneasy and just unfinished. Without being able to put eyes on my kids I don't really know how they are. There is a huge difference between saying everything is fine or good and actually meaning it/being fine or good. There's a lot of gray area with a lot of my kids right now and it stresses me out.
Speaking of kids, though, I had a great chat with my firstborn today. He opted to jump from high school to college and today was virtual graduation for his high school class. That also brings some sadness to my life because we missed out on that opportunity to celebrate his achievement and a milestone but I also respect him for making a choice and sticking with it. He said some of his friends said he was still in the digital graduation ceremony so that's interesting to me and it makes me sad that I missed it! Later this weekend all of his peers will get their diploma covers on home plate at the new Globe Life Park and that would've been a really awesome experience, too.
Since it already feels like we've been on break for a while, even with working and prepping kids for an AP exam, next week my APUSH/WHAP partner and I are going to start planning and figure out a schedule for next year. Since we don't know what next year will look like, when it will start, if it will be in person/digital, or when it will "switch," I think we both want to be sure we have all the various contingencies covered.
It's just all really weird. I don't even know how to describe it but I just feel a weird pit in my stomach and I don't have any clue why.
It's not my favorite.
Aubs
Thursday, May 28, 2020
Wednesday, May 27, 2020
Coffee dates are the only dates
Today I had a coffee date (pretty much the only kind of date I go on these days!) with one of the girls I taught for the second half of the 2018-2019 school year. Although she was only in my class for a semester we bonded super fast and she sent me a video last week on the "anniversary" of the last day of school from the year before. In the video she's crying (she never looks like she's crying while I am always blotchy and red when I cry) and says, "I'm only crying because I'm going to miss Ms. Williams. I hate this place." It is the most "her" statement ever and I am so grateful for the chance to know her because she is as sunshiny as her favorite color! (It's yellow. Duh)
Anyway, it was fantastic to catch up with her and I only cried once so that was a bonus and it was just what I needed to come back home and start organizing and destroying the clutter left over from moving. Since I haven't established a "place" for everything yet (like where I'll dump the mail) it just kind of winds up everywhere and it's not a very relaxing environment. In the condo I put the mail on the "game" cabinet by the door when I walked in. It was right below the hooks for my keys so it made sense. In my apartment the front door opens into a hallway and my bedroom is right by the front door (leave me alone, burglars!) so you literally have to walk all the way down the hall to the kitchen/living area to drop anything anywhere. Well...you do now. I had a vacuum cleaner, still in the box, in the hallway and I was using that as the place to drop mail but then I had to actually vacuum so that stopped being a thing.
Since I am always the perfect example of logic and caution, I was using scissors to slice open the box...and my right middle finger. It's fine, though. No stitches. Just a camo bandaid. You can barely see it.
Super lame. Don't even care. It stays!
This summer the people directly on my team (well, mostly just one of them for now) and I are going to get together and plan out what we want to do for next year if it's a regular year, which we know it won't be, and to prepare for a digital/hybrid year. It's overwhelming, especially since we have two AP classes to prepare for but we make a damn good team, even without any additional team members. That's all the more motivation to make sure my apartment is the way I want it to be...so we can work effectively.
It's been 2 1/2 weeks since I moved into this place and, while I do really like it a lot, it's been really hard to go from having a teen-aged roommate to being all alone. It's quiet, which is nice sometimes, but it's often too quiet. It's going to be an adjustment but I'm just wondering how long it might take because I like to plan things out. I need to know when this feeling of great emptiness will start to ebb or, if it's not going to, how I can make it suck less...without getting a dog or finding a boyfriend.
Those have both been suggested and tabled for another time, thank you very much.
I'm working on the second season of The Last Kingdom on Netflix right now. It was suggested, several times, in our Zoom sessions over the last couple of months and, although it is incredibly bloody, it's freakin' brilliant. The storyline, the twists, the way it incorporates the hatred, love, defiance, passion, and sheer will is just fantastic. Disclaimer: When it says it's rated TV-MA for gore they are NOT lying.
Aubs
Tuesday, May 26, 2020
Three for Three
After a rainy weekend where I basically slept Sunday away (I must've needed it) and an impromptu adventure in a downpour on Monday to go look for a new washing machine since the repair man broke it while he was changing out the heating element in my dryer (insert eye roll here), I was still not thrilled to have the sun prying my eyelids open at stupid o'clock this morning. Because I am a kind and caring human being I spent most of the day (literally until almost 10:00 p.m.) on Google docs with several of my students because today is the deadline for the AP classes that require portfolios.
It's so funny how I was so adamant about how I wanted my story/path to go because I realize now that the path I desperately wanted would make me so miserable. It's funny how life works.
One of them asked for help back in March, before we went on the Spring Break that lasted an eternity. They would write, I would ask for clarification via comments, suggest edits, and pose questions to help them go deeper into their research. At the end of March they were about 1/3 of the way done...and that's the way it stayed...until about 48 hours ago. I nagged, I bribed, I threatened to sit on the sidewalk outside their house and do work but those threats fell on deaf ears. To be fair the kid admitted that they needed to get in gear but then found other things to do instead. I still do that but I'm not about to admit that when I've spent all this time trying to convince them that they are their own worst enemy. You know, like Lit: "It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy. Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me. Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk? I didn't mean to call you that..."
Anyway, the requirement for this particular essay was a 2000 word limit and, by the time they got finished writing and I got finished making suggestions it was significantly past that. I'm always up for a challenge, though I got them to 2000 words with edits. While I was editing and making revision suggestions, I got another invitation to edit...another essay, with a 1000 word count this time. EASY PEASY. I got that student squared away without much effort since I was super familiar with the prompt by that point, having it in the back of my head for the last 12+ weeks.
I turned my attention to another prompt and worked on that one with another student for a couple of hours until they were ready to submit about an hour ago. Three essays. Three exact word counts. It's such a huge relief for me; I can't imagine how relieved they are! And all of this editing and revision just further reiterates to me that these kids desperately need help with writing skills, which is great because I officially received my teaching assignment for next year and I'm teaching AP Modern World, AP U.S. History and Dual Credit Gov/Eco! It's what I wanted and I'm happy that I am being given the opportunity to work with groups of kids for multiple years in a row. It makes me so happy that I found somewhere that is a good fit for me and where I truly enjoy the people that I work with.
It's so funny how I was so adamant about how I wanted my story/path to go because I realize now that the path I desperately wanted would make me so miserable. It's funny how life works.
It's going to be so weird when school is technically over on Thursday. I'm already tired of all of the free time I have and looking forward to the prepping and planning I'm doing with my team for next year when we will inevitably be digital for part of the year. Having a collective team is something that will be new to me; it's always just been me and another person for AP. To have a true collaborative team will be a great thing.
You know...if it actually happens.
Aubs
Saturday, May 23, 2020
Sexy Mandle
Today was my day date with my work bestie, Jenna. I have been looking forward to this day all week! I got to our designated meeting location first so I ordered both of us coffee and waited for her and our two mini-men to get there. Our first stop? HomeGoods. When I saw the sign I legitimately felt giddy. I'm not kidding. It's been sooooo long and, although I am not super into home decor, I love a good candle or funky piece of wall art that I never knew I needed until right that moment.
Isn't it crazy how that works?
Anyway, we perused the aisles of HomeGoods (and TJ Maxx because they were connected!) and I found a couple of candles that were fresh and clean smelling, bordering on manly. I like these candles because they permeate spaces well and they aren't overpowering. I take candle purchases very seriously. Jenna found a super cute wall sign with hooks for by her front door that has an old-fashioned light bulb on it THAT ACTUALLY LIGHTS UP!
Our purchases made, we decided to go to Target because we were on a roll. By that point the baby opted to take a little snooze and the big little man was happily holding each of our hands and walking around with this Toy Story cowboy boots on the wrong feet because that's how all the cool 4-year-olds wear them. Duh. In Target we wandered but didn't really find what we were looking for so we bought a coloring book for the little man and said our goodbyes for lunch and naptime.
I kept going, though, because I was on a roll and my coffee had 4 shots of espresso. I'm on a hunt for something for the wall above my couch to tie it (a neutral khaki color) to my favorite chair (red floral print) that I will be cremated in someday so nobody else can have it. I'm probably not kidding. My boys have told me, on more than one occasion, if I were a piece of furniture I would be that chair. I'm not sure if they were calling me square/boxy or fat but, if they were, I'll take it because that's how much I love that damn chair.
Anyway, Kirklands was meh. Hobby Lobby was worse. World Market was only doing curbside pickup, which is absolutely stupid. You don't choose what you want at World Market...World Market tells you what you need when you peruse its aisles. Everybody knows that. Jerks. As I was wrapping up my Highland Village adventure my mom texted me to see if I could go by Target or Walmart for her. "For what?" I asked. "A pocket hose," she replied.
I am not a mature person, friends. I laughed and laughed like I was a 15-year-old boy. I had tears streaming down my face. I told her to mobile order it and I would pick it up because there was NO WAY I'd be able to check out with a pocket hose and keep a straight face or not cause a scene. Four shots of espresso in a short time, remember? And who in the hell came up with that name? For the love of all things...I don't even know what could be better and less awkward. I'm at a loss.
I made my way to Target and had to go in to get the "item." Oh, Jesus..."item" makes it even worse! I had to go inside to pick up her package...nope, not any better. When my mother's order was ready I had to go inside to pick it up. Taylor, a not unattractive male, greeted me with a smile and I told him I was there as a "designated pick up person" to pickup something my mother ordered. He scanned the barcode on my phone and looked at the display and...y'all, he burst out laughing! It was the "go ahead" I needed so we were both just standing there, laughing, for about 30 seconds until he said, "I'll be right back with...that." Still laughing, and getting strange looks from EVERYONE around us, Taylor disappeared, then reappeared a few minutes later with a bag. He looked me dead in the eye, told me to have a great afternoon, and then, half a beat later, we both started laughing all over again.
Since it was only 3:00 I decided to go to the other HomeGoods (nearer to my apartment) to see if they had any different wall art since I'm going to obsess about that until I find something that pulls my living room together. They did not but the bonus about the shopping center across the highway from me is that there is basically EVERYTHING you could want over there: Kroger, Total Wine, 1/2 Price Books, Michaels, TJ Maxx/HomeGoods, Target, Ross, Ulta, Tuesday Morning, Kohls, and probably more that I've forgotten. TJ Maxx/HomeGoods and Ross are right next door to each other so I popped into Ross and...that's where it happened. I met my perfect match.
I meandered back to the candles and smelled a few of them. The one labeled "tobacco" was too sweet smelling but I picked up this tall, black candle and sniffed, preparing myself for something that would be overwhelming. I was overwhelmed, alright...that candle smelled so damn good that I was instantly mesmerized. It smelled like how I would want my boyfriend to smell (if I had one) when he was freshly showered. Since I don't (have one), I figured the candle would have to do. I scoured the shelves for another one but it was the only one. Of course it was. A girl should be a one man, I mean candle, girl.
I took my purchase to the front and waited patiently to pay for my newest prized possession. This is not me objectifying a man, for the record. I'm talking about a damn candle. I took 10 steps outside the store and heard a deafening crash while my bag simultaneously felt significantly lighter. I looked down to see that the bag had a huge slit in it and my beautiful, sexy smelling candle was lying on the ground, covered in shards of glass. I picked it up, brokenhearted, and took it right back into the store. I told the cashier (a different one) what happened and she said, "I'll give you your money back." and then she smelled it and said, "OHMYGOD that smells like a sexy man" Yes, yes it does. BUT IT WAS MINE FIRST! I felt very territorial over my broken sexy man candle (sexy mandle? YESSSSS!) which is utterly ridiculous but whatever. I'm ridiculous. She lamented over the broken candle with me for a few minutes while she issued my return and told me to take a picture so I could find it on Amazon or something. Brilliant idea!
As I left the store with an empty heart and empty hands I did what any rational person would do: I created a social media post. I knew that it would be met with a lot of laughing face responses because the people I am friends with on social media actually know me. They know I've been single for a decade (and what kind of life I had before that). They know that I've toyed with the idea of dating but ultimately always come up with reasons why it's a no-go. And most of them know that I'm maybe a little more open to the idea these days but not down for the online dating scene because it creeps me out.
So when I said, "I found a candle that smells the way I would want my boyfriend to smell...you know, if I had one, so I bought it. As I walked out of the store, the bag ripped and the candle shattered on the ground. How poetic. And typical." I knew it would generate laughter. And, just as it often goes, it was the only one in the store. This is the best metaphor for my love life, or lack thereof, ever.
I can't help but laugh.
And spend time tracking down where else I can purchase this candle...you know, until I find a man that smells even better than this candle which, for the record, I'm not sure is even possible, but it probably is because...pheromones, am I right?
Sigh. I'm going to dream about this damn candle. I wonder if the candle will take on any specific person or human characteristics in my dream.
Oh, Jesus, this could get REALLY awkward.
Aubs
Isn't it crazy how that works?
Anyway, we perused the aisles of HomeGoods (and TJ Maxx because they were connected!) and I found a couple of candles that were fresh and clean smelling, bordering on manly. I like these candles because they permeate spaces well and they aren't overpowering. I take candle purchases very seriously. Jenna found a super cute wall sign with hooks for by her front door that has an old-fashioned light bulb on it THAT ACTUALLY LIGHTS UP!
Our purchases made, we decided to go to Target because we were on a roll. By that point the baby opted to take a little snooze and the big little man was happily holding each of our hands and walking around with this Toy Story cowboy boots on the wrong feet because that's how all the cool 4-year-olds wear them. Duh. In Target we wandered but didn't really find what we were looking for so we bought a coloring book for the little man and said our goodbyes for lunch and naptime.
I kept going, though, because I was on a roll and my coffee had 4 shots of espresso. I'm on a hunt for something for the wall above my couch to tie it (a neutral khaki color) to my favorite chair (red floral print) that I will be cremated in someday so nobody else can have it. I'm probably not kidding. My boys have told me, on more than one occasion, if I were a piece of furniture I would be that chair. I'm not sure if they were calling me square/boxy or fat but, if they were, I'll take it because that's how much I love that damn chair.
Anyway, Kirklands was meh. Hobby Lobby was worse. World Market was only doing curbside pickup, which is absolutely stupid. You don't choose what you want at World Market...World Market tells you what you need when you peruse its aisles. Everybody knows that. Jerks. As I was wrapping up my Highland Village adventure my mom texted me to see if I could go by Target or Walmart for her. "For what?" I asked. "A pocket hose," she replied.
I am not a mature person, friends. I laughed and laughed like I was a 15-year-old boy. I had tears streaming down my face. I told her to mobile order it and I would pick it up because there was NO WAY I'd be able to check out with a pocket hose and keep a straight face or not cause a scene. Four shots of espresso in a short time, remember? And who in the hell came up with that name? For the love of all things...I don't even know what could be better and less awkward. I'm at a loss.
I made my way to Target and had to go in to get the "item." Oh, Jesus..."item" makes it even worse! I had to go inside to pick up her package...nope, not any better. When my mother's order was ready I had to go inside to pick it up. Taylor, a not unattractive male, greeted me with a smile and I told him I was there as a "designated pick up person" to pickup something my mother ordered. He scanned the barcode on my phone and looked at the display and...y'all, he burst out laughing! It was the "go ahead" I needed so we were both just standing there, laughing, for about 30 seconds until he said, "I'll be right back with...that." Still laughing, and getting strange looks from EVERYONE around us, Taylor disappeared, then reappeared a few minutes later with a bag. He looked me dead in the eye, told me to have a great afternoon, and then, half a beat later, we both started laughing all over again.
Since it was only 3:00 I decided to go to the other HomeGoods (nearer to my apartment) to see if they had any different wall art since I'm going to obsess about that until I find something that pulls my living room together. They did not but the bonus about the shopping center across the highway from me is that there is basically EVERYTHING you could want over there: Kroger, Total Wine, 1/2 Price Books, Michaels, TJ Maxx/HomeGoods, Target, Ross, Ulta, Tuesday Morning, Kohls, and probably more that I've forgotten. TJ Maxx/HomeGoods and Ross are right next door to each other so I popped into Ross and...that's where it happened. I met my perfect match.
I meandered back to the candles and smelled a few of them. The one labeled "tobacco" was too sweet smelling but I picked up this tall, black candle and sniffed, preparing myself for something that would be overwhelming. I was overwhelmed, alright...that candle smelled so damn good that I was instantly mesmerized. It smelled like how I would want my boyfriend to smell (if I had one) when he was freshly showered. Since I don't (have one), I figured the candle would have to do. I scoured the shelves for another one but it was the only one. Of course it was. A girl should be a one man, I mean candle, girl.
I took my purchase to the front and waited patiently to pay for my newest prized possession. This is not me objectifying a man, for the record. I'm talking about a damn candle. I took 10 steps outside the store and heard a deafening crash while my bag simultaneously felt significantly lighter. I looked down to see that the bag had a huge slit in it and my beautiful, sexy smelling candle was lying on the ground, covered in shards of glass. I picked it up, brokenhearted, and took it right back into the store. I told the cashier (a different one) what happened and she said, "I'll give you your money back." and then she smelled it and said, "OHMYGOD that smells like a sexy man" Yes, yes it does. BUT IT WAS MINE FIRST! I felt very territorial over my broken sexy man candle (sexy mandle? YESSSSS!) which is utterly ridiculous but whatever. I'm ridiculous. She lamented over the broken candle with me for a few minutes while she issued my return and told me to take a picture so I could find it on Amazon or something. Brilliant idea!
As I left the store with an empty heart and empty hands I did what any rational person would do: I created a social media post. I knew that it would be met with a lot of laughing face responses because the people I am friends with on social media actually know me. They know I've been single for a decade (and what kind of life I had before that). They know that I've toyed with the idea of dating but ultimately always come up with reasons why it's a no-go. And most of them know that I'm maybe a little more open to the idea these days but not down for the online dating scene because it creeps me out.
So when I said, "I found a candle that smells the way I would want my boyfriend to smell...you know, if I had one, so I bought it. As I walked out of the store, the bag ripped and the candle shattered on the ground. How poetic. And typical." I knew it would generate laughter. And, just as it often goes, it was the only one in the store. This is the best metaphor for my love life, or lack thereof, ever.
I can't help but laugh.
And spend time tracking down where else I can purchase this candle...you know, until I find a man that smells even better than this candle which, for the record, I'm not sure is even possible, but it probably is because...pheromones, am I right?
Sigh. I'm going to dream about this damn candle. I wonder if the candle will take on any specific person or human characteristics in my dream.
Oh, Jesus, this could get REALLY awkward.
Aubs
Friday, May 22, 2020
Officially Unofficial
I submitted my final grades last Friday in anticipation of them being due this Friday. I knew I wasn't taking anything else and everyone was going to pass for the year. It was fine.
We were also officially unofficially told what we're teaching next year so, while we wait for that to be publicized, I am excited about next year and what my counterpart and I will be able to do with the groups of students that we will potentially have for two years. We'll teach them how to write in AP Modern World and then polish those skills in AP U.S. the following year. We'll be a two person team for sophomores and have half of the APUSH classes (with the other half divided among two new-to-us teachers). We're supposed to attend a summer institute together to help us plan how to introduce those skills and content to build on it the following year. I'm excited. Yeah, I know. I'm a nerd.
I'm also officially enrolled for the fall to begin my MA in History. I'm weirdly excited about the seemingly overwhelming book list...I suppose because it will keep me busy enough to not notice that I am all by myself. Everyone (read: moms who are overworked and exhausted) thinks it sounds like a dream. I'm here to tell you that it's isolating and lonely. I miss my own boys daily and I miss my school kids who fill those voids, Monday-Friday anyway, a whole lot, too. And I already know what you're going to say...I should get a dog (I'm not sure I'm home enough, quarantine time excluded) or a boyfriend (I hear I'm somewhat intimidating).
I would love to get a dog but it would be selfish of me and unfair to the pup. I'll just borrow one or claim someone else's when I need a canine fix. I would consider dating but man...just trying to wrap my brain around starting that process is something that makes me not want to do it. I'm not a fan of online dating. I won't do it. I've always said if I can't meet someone on my own: at the grocery store (total cliche, I know), or the ball fields (sadly, no longer a thing), or the library, or SOMETHING then I'm not sure I want to. An organic meeting is so much better to me than "selling" some version of yourself on an online forum. Is it accurate? Who knows. But I am always unapologetically me and I see a lot of people who meet someone on a dating website only to find out that the real life version is far from the profile version that made them swipe right or whatever the hell it is that's "in" at the moment. Maybe I've already met him. Maybe I never will. How's that for optimism and pessimism all at once? The guys at work are rubbing off on me.
Speaking of the guys at work...they went to school early in the week to shut down their rooms for the summer. Well, one of them did. The other one doesn't have a room (sore subject so moving on) but went for moral support (I guess). They checked my room on Monday and reported back that my room had not been touched. Other rooms in other parts of the building were broken down by custodial staff in a way that made people lose their possessions and I was concerned. They knew that was happening so they checked for me, a kind gesture, no doubt. Truth be told, they were hoping to find a dead rodent with a half-eaten Snickers hanging out of its mouth but they were disappointed. As the "Social Studies Team Mom" (which I hear is an affectionate nickname/title, allegedly) I have snacks and supplies and pretty much everything. They can walk in and say, "Hey, do you have a..." and I'm already holding whatever it is out to them to take. It's all part of the service.
When I walked in on Thursday, my designated day, I found my room in a state of utter chaos with everything torn down off the walls and shoved into the middle of the room. While most of my stuff was present and accounted for, the haphazard way my belongings were treated was really frustrating. My Betsy Ross flag, for example, was wadded up on the floor under a chair. My large coloring poster (coloring reduces stress but the kids were afraid to color on it for the LONGEST TIME) was pulled off the wall, as were some wall stickers that "they" decided to stick to my poster. FRUSTRATING. Also, one of my rugs was missing. It was a rug most people always tripped over (no shortage of hilarity there because nobody was ever actually injured) but it was still mine and I paid for it. I sent a picture to the guys and then we discussed how nobody has any respect and we should've just all gone together. This is a huge statement for so many reasons but mostly because it made me realize that we are a unit, a group. I mean, I've known that for a while but this solidified it.
So today when I was excitedly talking about my day date tomorrow with my work bestie and her boys, it cracked me up when one of them asked me if I was sure Homegoods was open because he thought he might go get some candles (to help disguise the puppy smell that sometimes happens) I opened my mouth to ask what kind of smells he liked and he willingly supplied the information without me even having to ask...so tomorrow, while we're sniffing candles, I will also be sniffing with him in mind because we have similar candle tastes.
Isn't that just precious?
Aubs
We were also officially unofficially told what we're teaching next year so, while we wait for that to be publicized, I am excited about next year and what my counterpart and I will be able to do with the groups of students that we will potentially have for two years. We'll teach them how to write in AP Modern World and then polish those skills in AP U.S. the following year. We'll be a two person team for sophomores and have half of the APUSH classes (with the other half divided among two new-to-us teachers). We're supposed to attend a summer institute together to help us plan how to introduce those skills and content to build on it the following year. I'm excited. Yeah, I know. I'm a nerd.
I'm also officially enrolled for the fall to begin my MA in History. I'm weirdly excited about the seemingly overwhelming book list...I suppose because it will keep me busy enough to not notice that I am all by myself. Everyone (read: moms who are overworked and exhausted) thinks it sounds like a dream. I'm here to tell you that it's isolating and lonely. I miss my own boys daily and I miss my school kids who fill those voids, Monday-Friday anyway, a whole lot, too. And I already know what you're going to say...I should get a dog (I'm not sure I'm home enough, quarantine time excluded) or a boyfriend (I hear I'm somewhat intimidating).
I would love to get a dog but it would be selfish of me and unfair to the pup. I'll just borrow one or claim someone else's when I need a canine fix. I would consider dating but man...just trying to wrap my brain around starting that process is something that makes me not want to do it. I'm not a fan of online dating. I won't do it. I've always said if I can't meet someone on my own: at the grocery store (total cliche, I know), or the ball fields (sadly, no longer a thing), or the library, or SOMETHING then I'm not sure I want to. An organic meeting is so much better to me than "selling" some version of yourself on an online forum. Is it accurate? Who knows. But I am always unapologetically me and I see a lot of people who meet someone on a dating website only to find out that the real life version is far from the profile version that made them swipe right or whatever the hell it is that's "in" at the moment. Maybe I've already met him. Maybe I never will. How's that for optimism and pessimism all at once? The guys at work are rubbing off on me.
Speaking of the guys at work...they went to school early in the week to shut down their rooms for the summer. Well, one of them did. The other one doesn't have a room (sore subject so moving on) but went for moral support (I guess). They checked my room on Monday and reported back that my room had not been touched. Other rooms in other parts of the building were broken down by custodial staff in a way that made people lose their possessions and I was concerned. They knew that was happening so they checked for me, a kind gesture, no doubt. Truth be told, they were hoping to find a dead rodent with a half-eaten Snickers hanging out of its mouth but they were disappointed. As the "Social Studies Team Mom" (which I hear is an affectionate nickname/title, allegedly) I have snacks and supplies and pretty much everything. They can walk in and say, "Hey, do you have a..." and I'm already holding whatever it is out to them to take. It's all part of the service.
When I walked in on Thursday, my designated day, I found my room in a state of utter chaos with everything torn down off the walls and shoved into the middle of the room. While most of my stuff was present and accounted for, the haphazard way my belongings were treated was really frustrating. My Betsy Ross flag, for example, was wadded up on the floor under a chair. My large coloring poster (coloring reduces stress but the kids were afraid to color on it for the LONGEST TIME) was pulled off the wall, as were some wall stickers that "they" decided to stick to my poster. FRUSTRATING. Also, one of my rugs was missing. It was a rug most people always tripped over (no shortage of hilarity there because nobody was ever actually injured) but it was still mine and I paid for it. I sent a picture to the guys and then we discussed how nobody has any respect and we should've just all gone together. This is a huge statement for so many reasons but mostly because it made me realize that we are a unit, a group. I mean, I've known that for a while but this solidified it.
So today when I was excitedly talking about my day date tomorrow with my work bestie and her boys, it cracked me up when one of them asked me if I was sure Homegoods was open because he thought he might go get some candles (to help disguise the puppy smell that sometimes happens) I opened my mouth to ask what kind of smells he liked and he willingly supplied the information without me even having to ask...so tomorrow, while we're sniffing candles, I will also be sniffing with him in mind because we have similar candle tastes.
Isn't that just precious?
Aubs
Tuesday, May 19, 2020
It's all downhill now
Now that the AP Exam is over I have very few excuses left to keep me from getting my new place organized but you best believe I'm trying to come up with things to keep me occupied. The registrar at school is thrilled because I fill out her forms and return them immediately. She calls me "Speedy." It's the little things, I guess.
One of the really fun things I've been doing lately is appliance repair. Apparently the move up three flights of stairs caused problems to both of the secondhand appliances that I recently purchased so today I had a repairman TWICE and the maintenance guy from the apartment complex once. It's been fun. The maintenance guy hates Texas (he's from Florida where it's humid but there's the ocean) and the repairman thinks I should move in with my mom or find a man to buy me a new washing machine.
So, sexism is still alive and well...have no fear! I've also talked myself out of and back into (and out of and back into) grad school. I think the compromise I've come up with is to defer my start date to the fall semester so I have time to prep and plan for the plot twists that are coming this fall that are basically impossible to plan for but I'm still going to try. It's also referred to as "driving myself batshit crazy."
I also had my end of year summative today. It was interesting because I was never actually formally observed by anyone so there were only a few areas that we could discuss. What we did discuss was how I worked hard to forge those relationships with students and coworkers, alike, and how I am "the real deal." At one point, my appraiser even said, "Best hiring decision ever!" so that was a fun time. He alluded to me being able to take on more advanced classes next year and being able to continue working directly with my counterpart from this year which makes me happy.
As I was detailing some of the highlights of my summative during our Zoom this afternoon and we were laughing and talking about room clean-out (they've already been; I go on Thursday), I got a text from my work bestie who was, very clearly, distraught. It seems that the additional custodial staff hired to clean and sanitize our building went a little crazy and threw away some of the (irreplaceable) items hanging on her wall: notes from former students and stuff like that. I feel her pain. I would be devastated if that happened to me. It makes me concerned as to whether or not my box of mementos will be intact when I go up there to shut my room down on Thursday.
It's not the quantity of them, or even what they say but instead it's the intent behind them. Notes are personal. They take time. They take effort. The mean something. And each time I read them they take me back to reliving those moments with the writers and that means the world to me.
Aubs
One of the really fun things I've been doing lately is appliance repair. Apparently the move up three flights of stairs caused problems to both of the secondhand appliances that I recently purchased so today I had a repairman TWICE and the maintenance guy from the apartment complex once. It's been fun. The maintenance guy hates Texas (he's from Florida where it's humid but there's the ocean) and the repairman thinks I should move in with my mom or find a man to buy me a new washing machine.
So, sexism is still alive and well...have no fear! I've also talked myself out of and back into (and out of and back into) grad school. I think the compromise I've come up with is to defer my start date to the fall semester so I have time to prep and plan for the plot twists that are coming this fall that are basically impossible to plan for but I'm still going to try. It's also referred to as "driving myself batshit crazy."
I also had my end of year summative today. It was interesting because I was never actually formally observed by anyone so there were only a few areas that we could discuss. What we did discuss was how I worked hard to forge those relationships with students and coworkers, alike, and how I am "the real deal." At one point, my appraiser even said, "Best hiring decision ever!" so that was a fun time. He alluded to me being able to take on more advanced classes next year and being able to continue working directly with my counterpart from this year which makes me happy.
As I was detailing some of the highlights of my summative during our Zoom this afternoon and we were laughing and talking about room clean-out (they've already been; I go on Thursday), I got a text from my work bestie who was, very clearly, distraught. It seems that the additional custodial staff hired to clean and sanitize our building went a little crazy and threw away some of the (irreplaceable) items hanging on her wall: notes from former students and stuff like that. I feel her pain. I would be devastated if that happened to me. It makes me concerned as to whether or not my box of mementos will be intact when I go up there to shut my room down on Thursday.
It's not the quantity of them, or even what they say but instead it's the intent behind them. Notes are personal. They take time. They take effort. The mean something. And each time I read them they take me back to reliving those moments with the writers and that means the world to me.
Aubs
Friday, May 15, 2020
It is finished
Well, it's kind of finished. I had a lot of kids who didn't take their APUSH Exam today. I had several kids who had issues submitting their exams. There were some who weren't prepared and then there were some who had issues logging into their exams. But I think my favorite issue was the kid who sent me a message during their second AP Exam of the day to tell me that their computer randomly just shut down during their AP Comp Sci Exam. Ohhhh, it was so ironic...until they said, "I accidentally hit the plug with my foot." The hysterical laughter that burst through my lips was more relief that my exam was over than at their misfortune. Bless their heart. Retakes are at the beginning of June and, after they finish my last "fun/feedback" assignment, we are done for the year. I hope that most will do this assignment because it's personal and not history.
I had a Zoom session for my kids this morning to answer any last minute questions or to give anyone who needed it a last minute pep talk. I wound up getting a fair amount of questions about where they should find their tickets (Why didn't they look for these 48 hours ago when they were issued?!) and how to HIPP documents (provide greater detail about provided documents to further their argument). I was able to calm some fears, provide some laughter, and one girl asked me if I was crying. To be fair, it was overcast so it was kind of shadowy in my living room so I turned the camera so she could see my eyes were just as psychotic as usual and managed to blink back the tears that were starting to form. Excellent observation, dearest!
As the countdown for their test to start got closer and closer to the beginning of the test my anxiety level shot WAY up. I know I'm not alone on this. If we were in a normal school year they would have taken the test a week ago. We would've been able to finish all of the material and prepped for the test much better than we were able to digitally. BUT a lot of my kids showed up. I saw more of them show up for the Zoom prior to the test and submit feedback after the test than I've seen in a while. Kids came out of the woodwork for this test and I am so stinkin' proud of them. And, as I read some of their feedback after the test, I had tears streaming down my face. One of the questions said, "Knowing I will get your exam this year, is there anything I need to know?" and so many of them responded that they wanted me to know that they really tried or that time got away from them or that they weren't super confident but they wanted to make me proud...but the one that KILLED me was the one that said, "Even if I fail I want you to know you prepared us the best you could and I am seriously honored to have been your student." Even now I lack the ability to comprehend how lucky I am to have this group of kids who were so resistant to me at the beginning but damn...look at us now. My heart is full. This last assignment is one where it gives them the chance to give me honest feedback and to open up about what's on their hearts and minds. This has always generated a good response in the past and I'm hoping it will continue this time, even in a pandemic. I hope.
While the kids tested, my APUSH counterpart and I tried not to look at the clock. We spent a long time in a Zoom with a variety of "guests" but at the very end it was just the two of us as we looked at the Google Form we were creating to track feedback from our kids on their exams. It was "real talk" time where I very blatantly told him that I was really unsure if I was going to stay in the first few months, partially due to how he was a very prickly human being at first. I'm not saying I wore him down but I am saying we busted through the barriers that were set up and by January we were a seriously cohesive team. When faced with the potential of not being on the same team next year (nobody really knows at this point) he even said that we have a good, viable relationship here; why should we have to start over. Beginning of the school year me never would've thought we'd be having this conversation but I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to summertime. It's pretty much the opposite, actually. We're not going to have that connection of daily interaction and I'm seriously going to miss it.
Who knew...I guess he's wormed his way into my heart after all.
Aubs
I had a Zoom session for my kids this morning to answer any last minute questions or to give anyone who needed it a last minute pep talk. I wound up getting a fair amount of questions about where they should find their tickets (Why didn't they look for these 48 hours ago when they were issued?!) and how to HIPP documents (provide greater detail about provided documents to further their argument). I was able to calm some fears, provide some laughter, and one girl asked me if I was crying. To be fair, it was overcast so it was kind of shadowy in my living room so I turned the camera so she could see my eyes were just as psychotic as usual and managed to blink back the tears that were starting to form. Excellent observation, dearest!
As the countdown for their test to start got closer and closer to the beginning of the test my anxiety level shot WAY up. I know I'm not alone on this. If we were in a normal school year they would have taken the test a week ago. We would've been able to finish all of the material and prepped for the test much better than we were able to digitally. BUT a lot of my kids showed up. I saw more of them show up for the Zoom prior to the test and submit feedback after the test than I've seen in a while. Kids came out of the woodwork for this test and I am so stinkin' proud of them. And, as I read some of their feedback after the test, I had tears streaming down my face. One of the questions said, "Knowing I will get your exam this year, is there anything I need to know?" and so many of them responded that they wanted me to know that they really tried or that time got away from them or that they weren't super confident but they wanted to make me proud...but the one that KILLED me was the one that said, "Even if I fail I want you to know you prepared us the best you could and I am seriously honored to have been your student." Even now I lack the ability to comprehend how lucky I am to have this group of kids who were so resistant to me at the beginning but damn...look at us now. My heart is full. This last assignment is one where it gives them the chance to give me honest feedback and to open up about what's on their hearts and minds. This has always generated a good response in the past and I'm hoping it will continue this time, even in a pandemic. I hope.
While the kids tested, my APUSH counterpart and I tried not to look at the clock. We spent a long time in a Zoom with a variety of "guests" but at the very end it was just the two of us as we looked at the Google Form we were creating to track feedback from our kids on their exams. It was "real talk" time where I very blatantly told him that I was really unsure if I was going to stay in the first few months, partially due to how he was a very prickly human being at first. I'm not saying I wore him down but I am saying we busted through the barriers that were set up and by January we were a seriously cohesive team. When faced with the potential of not being on the same team next year (nobody really knows at this point) he even said that we have a good, viable relationship here; why should we have to start over. Beginning of the school year me never would've thought we'd be having this conversation but I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to summertime. It's pretty much the opposite, actually. We're not going to have that connection of daily interaction and I'm seriously going to miss it.
Who knew...I guess he's wormed his way into my heart after all.
Aubs
Thursday, May 14, 2020
I might throw up...
It's the night before the APUSH Exam, the exam my kids have been working towards all year or, rather, they would've been if it hadn't been for the damn Coronavirus. Two months ago we got the biggest plot twist we had never really imagined and it all comes down to tomorrow. That's not dramatics; it's facts. Assuming they all sit for the exam and assuming there are no submission issues then I'll be able to read their responses in a couple of weeks and see what exactly they know or don't know.
While I know it's not entirely true, I still find it extremely hard not to shoulder their failures/successes because my job is simply to prepare them as best I can. What they do (or do not do) is entirely up to them. They've been given the tools and the feedback they need to be successful. Some of them have been much more receptive than others. Some have asked for help while the majority have not. Some have emailed me TODAY for the first time since March 12 to say, "So when is this test and what do we have to do?" It's out of my hands, and yet, it feels like I'm the one sitting for this test. It's something most don't understand unless they've been in this situation.
I'm taking bets on whether or not I sleep tonight because, if I'm basing it on how things are going right now (10:24 p.m.) then it's going to be a long ass night. There's so much going on inside my head at this precise moment and there's no way it's going to shut down for the night. It's cool. It's fine. Sleep is overrated.
I have a student who is registered for the exam but, with this e-ticket stuff (since the exams are being taken from home), their ticket is missing. They're definitely registered for the exam but they don't have access to a ticket, a ticket that's supposed to be sent to them 48 hours before their test. They told me at 6:30 tonight. They have to login at 12:30 tomorrow for this test. What could possibly go wrong?! I had them call the College Board. I tried to find their ticket. I texted my AP Coordinator. I texted the District Coordinator. She contacted her testing coordinator...everyone is trying to get this precious darling their ticket. Now they have to call the College Board again in the morning while all of us try to do the same to get this ticket issued. This kid has an excellent chance to score well and I'm not about to let a hiccup stop them from being successful. I've been helping them build self-confidence for an entire school year. We're not losing any traction here.
I sent a video to all of my students, past and present, to tell them that I'm thinking about them and that they know more than they think they do, to not get hung up on writing a killer essay...to play the points game. Some of them will hear my words and focus on that. Others, overachievers like myself, will stress themselves out to the point of utter panic. Been there. Done that. Doing it right now.
There is so much uncertainty right now, with my testers and with what comes next. How will next year go? Will it be as close to normal as possible? Will we have time to prepare? I'm fearful of what the future holds but also cautiously optimistic as well.
It's a weird place to be.
Aubs
While I know it's not entirely true, I still find it extremely hard not to shoulder their failures/successes because my job is simply to prepare them as best I can. What they do (or do not do) is entirely up to them. They've been given the tools and the feedback they need to be successful. Some of them have been much more receptive than others. Some have asked for help while the majority have not. Some have emailed me TODAY for the first time since March 12 to say, "So when is this test and what do we have to do?" It's out of my hands, and yet, it feels like I'm the one sitting for this test. It's something most don't understand unless they've been in this situation.
I'm taking bets on whether or not I sleep tonight because, if I'm basing it on how things are going right now (10:24 p.m.) then it's going to be a long ass night. There's so much going on inside my head at this precise moment and there's no way it's going to shut down for the night. It's cool. It's fine. Sleep is overrated.
I have a student who is registered for the exam but, with this e-ticket stuff (since the exams are being taken from home), their ticket is missing. They're definitely registered for the exam but they don't have access to a ticket, a ticket that's supposed to be sent to them 48 hours before their test. They told me at 6:30 tonight. They have to login at 12:30 tomorrow for this test. What could possibly go wrong?! I had them call the College Board. I tried to find their ticket. I texted my AP Coordinator. I texted the District Coordinator. She contacted her testing coordinator...everyone is trying to get this precious darling their ticket. Now they have to call the College Board again in the morning while all of us try to do the same to get this ticket issued. This kid has an excellent chance to score well and I'm not about to let a hiccup stop them from being successful. I've been helping them build self-confidence for an entire school year. We're not losing any traction here.
I sent a video to all of my students, past and present, to tell them that I'm thinking about them and that they know more than they think they do, to not get hung up on writing a killer essay...to play the points game. Some of them will hear my words and focus on that. Others, overachievers like myself, will stress themselves out to the point of utter panic. Been there. Done that. Doing it right now.
There is so much uncertainty right now, with my testers and with what comes next. How will next year go? Will it be as close to normal as possible? Will we have time to prepare? I'm fearful of what the future holds but also cautiously optimistic as well.
It's a weird place to be.
Aubs
Wednesday, May 13, 2020
Progress...
When I hear or think that word, I think of Harry Potter...5, I think: "Progress for the sake of progress must be discouraged." Freakin' Professor Umbridge, man. What a troll!
I have made a lot of progress, though. Thanks to my mom who is my drawer/cabinet measurer and liner I have almost my entire apartment lined and filled with stuff. It has been determined, once again, that I have too much stuff. This does not come as a surprise and, with less square footage now than I had before, it shouldn't come as a surprise that I am running out of room...and yet, here I am...surprised.
I'm down to the last few boxes (I think there are maybe 3) and then the remainder of the organizing begins. I want to be done by Friday because I'm going to be a hot mess and a half on Friday and I cannot be held responsible for doing anything semi-functional on that day. Why? Friday is the AP Exam and, I have to tell you, I am a little concerned about the lackadaisical attitude it seems most of my kids have at this particular point in time. It is my assumption based on the work submitted, or lack thereof, that very few will actually take it. I hope I'm pleasantly surprised.
I've been holding Zoom sessions all week to help students by answering questions or addressing concerns or going over broader context or just letting them vent...and so far I've seen two students in my Zooms. To be fair, I've heard from several others via email or text but still not the 110 that would be sitting down to take it if we were still having our normal school days. In fact, they would've already taken it last Friday and I'd be free from stress...until July when scores are released. I hope more show up tomorrow. My APUSH counterpart made a review video today with some broader context and information mixed in and I also shared that with my classes so even if I knew they had watched that I would feel better.
I am not very reassured here.
It's also nothing I can control so that's a weird thing for me to wrap my brain around. I think what makes it the most difficult is that we aren't able to agonize over this together. If it were a normal school year, the other APUSH teacher and I would be able to commiserate for the majority of the day and stress over how they did or were doing...after we rounded all of those who were trying to skip the exam up and delivered them to their testing location. That's half the fun! If you don't plan to take the exam then don't show up to school! Sheesh!
It's definitely a broken record but it's such a weird year. So weird. And it doesn't seem like next year will be much better so that's super fun.
But, it'll be fine. It's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine.
Fine.
Aubs
I have made a lot of progress, though. Thanks to my mom who is my drawer/cabinet measurer and liner I have almost my entire apartment lined and filled with stuff. It has been determined, once again, that I have too much stuff. This does not come as a surprise and, with less square footage now than I had before, it shouldn't come as a surprise that I am running out of room...and yet, here I am...surprised.
I'm down to the last few boxes (I think there are maybe 3) and then the remainder of the organizing begins. I want to be done by Friday because I'm going to be a hot mess and a half on Friday and I cannot be held responsible for doing anything semi-functional on that day. Why? Friday is the AP Exam and, I have to tell you, I am a little concerned about the lackadaisical attitude it seems most of my kids have at this particular point in time. It is my assumption based on the work submitted, or lack thereof, that very few will actually take it. I hope I'm pleasantly surprised.
I've been holding Zoom sessions all week to help students by answering questions or addressing concerns or going over broader context or just letting them vent...and so far I've seen two students in my Zooms. To be fair, I've heard from several others via email or text but still not the 110 that would be sitting down to take it if we were still having our normal school days. In fact, they would've already taken it last Friday and I'd be free from stress...until July when scores are released. I hope more show up tomorrow. My APUSH counterpart made a review video today with some broader context and information mixed in and I also shared that with my classes so even if I knew they had watched that I would feel better.
I am not very reassured here.
It's also nothing I can control so that's a weird thing for me to wrap my brain around. I think what makes it the most difficult is that we aren't able to agonize over this together. If it were a normal school year, the other APUSH teacher and I would be able to commiserate for the majority of the day and stress over how they did or were doing...after we rounded all of those who were trying to skip the exam up and delivered them to their testing location. That's half the fun! If you don't plan to take the exam then don't show up to school! Sheesh!
It's definitely a broken record but it's such a weird year. So weird. And it doesn't seem like next year will be much better so that's super fun.
But, it'll be fine. It's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine.
Fine.
Aubs
Tuesday, May 12, 2020
Boring. These days are getting boring.
It's been pretty busy in my household (of basically one) for the last couple of months, even being stuck at home due to a pandemic. After putting off packing for as long as humanly possible I found random bursts of productivity but most of the "hustle and bustle" in my house over the last several weeks has been primarily finding things to do to avoid doing what I need to do. I never said it was right or logical but, like my students often say, I work best under pressure.
And, I mean, isn't that true of most of us? Our true grit and determination come out when we're backed against a wall or facing some kind of deadline. It's very hard for me to not be frustrated with my students who are seemingly not showing up for anything anymore even though they have an AP Exam on FRIDAY because I get it. They have tests before ours, some of them have multiples, and it's one of those things where you have to tackle what's first before you can look at what comes next. If I were still 17 (and thank Jesus I'm not) then I'd be in the same boat but, with the infinite wisdom I've gained in 20 years, I struggle to be okay with this way of compartmentalizing. I realize what works for me (now) doesn't work for them (now or ever) but I sure wish some of them would take advantage of the wisdom being offered to them. It would make their lives so much easier...probably.
The worst kind of "meh" day is the day where there isn't really a reason for the "meh." It's just there. Today was one of those days. My desire to get much done today was pretty much non-existent, although I did unpack all of the remaining boxes in one room (aside from the school supplies that are boxed up in the closet for next year...I hope). Other than that I opened the last 8-10 boxes looking for the damn silverware so I could eat my yogurt and then I just kind of sat there going "Now what?" for a while. It seems like that's all the last couple of months have been: a whole lot of "now what?"
It's an interesting chapter, this chapter I'm beginning. The majority of my friends are married with children of varying ages. If they have kids who are close in age to mine then they often have several younger ones still at home. They're firmly ensconced in the life I lived for so long: practices, homework, playdates, taxi driving, homework help, crazy sports/dance/gymnastics schedules...and I don't have any of that anymore. Sometimes I feel more than a little remorse that it's over. I was one who always managed to thrive on the chaos of conflicting schedules, like they were a puzzle I had to solve so everyone could master their individual objectives. And now I'm all, "Hmmm, what will I watch on Netflix/Hulu/ESPN+ tonight?"
It's a riveting discussion I have with myself every single night. And, if I'm being completely honest, I'm not even sure this would change if there wasn't a pandemic going on. Despite all evidence to the contrary I am, in fact, a rather shy individual. Okay, shy is the wrong word. Guarded. I'm incredibly guarded. I've been burned by people I thought were trustworthy, had proven their worth (and lied really well, it seems), and granted access to my inner circle...not a euphemism. So, while I am always friendly because I don't know how not to be unless you really piss me off I do not often let my true personality show until I am sure. You know what that makes a huge challenge? Dating. And since the last couple were such amazing gems I've kind of kept to myself for a really long time. It's been fine, good, even because I've been able to focus so much on getting myself to where I want to be, raising my boys and juggling a lot of crap on the side. While my professional life is never EVER boring sometimes my personal life is and sometimes boring is really good...and sometimes it's B.O.R.I.N.G.
So, tonight, as I lamented the boring status I decided I would just get a bowl of ice cream and climb in bed to watch whatever it is I'm watching right now. I'm on the last episode of the first season of "The Last Kingdom," which has been pretty good so far but I hear it gets better in subsequent seasons so I might keep going with that. I'm also behind on "The Last Dance," which is my jam because who was alive and NOT a Bulls fan in the late 80s/early 90s? Not many people, that's who. The Dream Team! But as I was debating what to watch I got an email from another teacher with a couple of notes from students attached.
My mood significantly improved as I sent them a message to thank them for being much kinder than I deserve. And now they're arguing back and forth in our group Remind message and I'm laughing at their threats of sending pictures of each other from middle school and it was exactly what I needed. I appreciate that they are so plainly themselves with me and am even more grateful because I know they are not as candid with others. The whole "you get what you give" philosophy rings so true, especially with the teenager population...
Which is why, to my knowledge, I'm still not a meme.
Aubs
And, I mean, isn't that true of most of us? Our true grit and determination come out when we're backed against a wall or facing some kind of deadline. It's very hard for me to not be frustrated with my students who are seemingly not showing up for anything anymore even though they have an AP Exam on FRIDAY because I get it. They have tests before ours, some of them have multiples, and it's one of those things where you have to tackle what's first before you can look at what comes next. If I were still 17 (and thank Jesus I'm not) then I'd be in the same boat but, with the infinite wisdom I've gained in 20 years, I struggle to be okay with this way of compartmentalizing. I realize what works for me (now) doesn't work for them (now or ever) but I sure wish some of them would take advantage of the wisdom being offered to them. It would make their lives so much easier...probably.
The worst kind of "meh" day is the day where there isn't really a reason for the "meh." It's just there. Today was one of those days. My desire to get much done today was pretty much non-existent, although I did unpack all of the remaining boxes in one room (aside from the school supplies that are boxed up in the closet for next year...I hope). Other than that I opened the last 8-10 boxes looking for the damn silverware so I could eat my yogurt and then I just kind of sat there going "Now what?" for a while. It seems like that's all the last couple of months have been: a whole lot of "now what?"
It's an interesting chapter, this chapter I'm beginning. The majority of my friends are married with children of varying ages. If they have kids who are close in age to mine then they often have several younger ones still at home. They're firmly ensconced in the life I lived for so long: practices, homework, playdates, taxi driving, homework help, crazy sports/dance/gymnastics schedules...and I don't have any of that anymore. Sometimes I feel more than a little remorse that it's over. I was one who always managed to thrive on the chaos of conflicting schedules, like they were a puzzle I had to solve so everyone could master their individual objectives. And now I'm all, "Hmmm, what will I watch on Netflix/Hulu/ESPN+ tonight?"
It's a riveting discussion I have with myself every single night. And, if I'm being completely honest, I'm not even sure this would change if there wasn't a pandemic going on. Despite all evidence to the contrary I am, in fact, a rather shy individual. Okay, shy is the wrong word. Guarded. I'm incredibly guarded. I've been burned by people I thought were trustworthy, had proven their worth (and lied really well, it seems), and granted access to my inner circle...not a euphemism. So, while I am always friendly because I don't know how not to be unless you really piss me off I do not often let my true personality show until I am sure. You know what that makes a huge challenge? Dating. And since the last couple were such amazing gems I've kind of kept to myself for a really long time. It's been fine, good, even because I've been able to focus so much on getting myself to where I want to be, raising my boys and juggling a lot of crap on the side. While my professional life is never EVER boring sometimes my personal life is and sometimes boring is really good...and sometimes it's B.O.R.I.N.G.
So, tonight, as I lamented the boring status I decided I would just get a bowl of ice cream and climb in bed to watch whatever it is I'm watching right now. I'm on the last episode of the first season of "The Last Kingdom," which has been pretty good so far but I hear it gets better in subsequent seasons so I might keep going with that. I'm also behind on "The Last Dance," which is my jam because who was alive and NOT a Bulls fan in the late 80s/early 90s? Not many people, that's who. The Dream Team! But as I was debating what to watch I got an email from another teacher with a couple of notes from students attached.
Which is why, to my knowledge, I'm still not a meme.
Aubs
Monday, May 11, 2020
Post-Move Daze & AP Exams
I can't come up with a title for this post. It's like my brain has the dumb. I feel like this is probably how a lot of my students are feeling this week and next as they gear up to take a slew of AP Exams to determine if they receive college credit for their work this year. You know, no pressure.
There's nothing like a high stakes situation with the state of things to relieve the pressure from an already high stakes situation. At this point, I'm not even sure if any of mine will take the exam. Out of my 110 roughly 40-60 are doing their work and communicating. The rest are like crickets except they don't chirp or whatever it is crickets allegedly do. Rub their legs together or whatever.
You know what's blissful? I moved into my apartment on Mother's Day. That was not blissful and, no, I don't want to talk about it yet. Let's just say (in a one sentence summary): There was a serious lack of communication and they didn't leave my apartment until almost 9:00 p.m. even though their scheduled window was between 11:30 a.m. and 1:30 p.m.
That about covers it.
Anyway. Blissful: My ceiling fan is silent. All of the fans are silent. It's amazing. The fans at the condo made all sorts of racket and it was impossible to ignore them. Here it's the perfect amount of barely there white noise. What I like less is the fact that it's broad daylight at 7:05 a.m. I was complaining to a guy I work with and he was telling me (bragging, y'all...he was BRAGGING) that his bedroom is an interior room so it stays dark. Jealousy. He also suggested I put up blackout curtains and I explained that (newsflash!) I am not tall (like he is...still bragging) so after shooting down his idea of using a ladder because I'm more of a "hammer and go and hope it's straight" kind of girl, I'm either going to have to deal with it being stupid bright at dumb o'clock or find a tall, preferably handsome/funny/kind, man to do it for me...taking applications now!
Anyway, this week is kind of stressful and hectic, especially for students, but also for the teachers who have worked diligently to get them to this point and that's hard as hell to do in the current situation. The first wave of students tested today and it makes me glad that my kids are testing on Friday because hopefully some of the kinks are worked out by then. Bless those first tester guinea pigs!
I'm working to unpack and I've realized a few things: I didn't label things very well (at the end I gave up on labeling and just threw shit in boxes), the boxes multiplied (I swear to you, on all things, they did), and I have way too much stuff (I have nothing witty to say here...it's straight fact). It's starting to come together (the number of boxes left intact is going down) and I'm almost to the point where I can start figuring out what I'm going to put on walls but I think my first priority is going to be curtains because...it's BRIGHT and I like to be asleep in the morning.
I also realized that curbside pickup is so much better than I originally thought it to be. Yes, it's great. It's a timesaver and it helps with social distancing but there are so many choices! Tonight I picked up an impromptu order from Total Wine and a vacuum cleaner I ordered (because I didn't see it on display even though it was listed as "available" on the app) while I was standing in front of the vacuum cleaner display AT Target in the span of 10 minutes. I also ordered groceries for pickup from Kroger on Thursday so I definitely know how to party.
I mean, honestly, it's a wonder I'm still single...for now...maybe.
Does that mean I'm considering dating again? I have no idea. But it's not a no.
Yikes.
Aubs
There's nothing like a high stakes situation with the state of things to relieve the pressure from an already high stakes situation. At this point, I'm not even sure if any of mine will take the exam. Out of my 110 roughly 40-60 are doing their work and communicating. The rest are like crickets except they don't chirp or whatever it is crickets allegedly do. Rub their legs together or whatever.
You know what's blissful? I moved into my apartment on Mother's Day. That was not blissful and, no, I don't want to talk about it yet. Let's just say (in a one sentence summary): There was a serious lack of communication and they didn't leave my apartment until almost 9:00 p.m. even though their scheduled window was between 11:30 a.m. and 1:30 p.m.
That about covers it.
Anyway. Blissful: My ceiling fan is silent. All of the fans are silent. It's amazing. The fans at the condo made all sorts of racket and it was impossible to ignore them. Here it's the perfect amount of barely there white noise. What I like less is the fact that it's broad daylight at 7:05 a.m. I was complaining to a guy I work with and he was telling me (bragging, y'all...he was BRAGGING) that his bedroom is an interior room so it stays dark. Jealousy. He also suggested I put up blackout curtains and I explained that (newsflash!) I am not tall (like he is...still bragging) so after shooting down his idea of using a ladder because I'm more of a "hammer and go and hope it's straight" kind of girl, I'm either going to have to deal with it being stupid bright at dumb o'clock or find a tall, preferably handsome/funny/kind, man to do it for me...taking applications now!
Anyway, this week is kind of stressful and hectic, especially for students, but also for the teachers who have worked diligently to get them to this point and that's hard as hell to do in the current situation. The first wave of students tested today and it makes me glad that my kids are testing on Friday because hopefully some of the kinks are worked out by then. Bless those first tester guinea pigs!
I'm working to unpack and I've realized a few things: I didn't label things very well (at the end I gave up on labeling and just threw shit in boxes), the boxes multiplied (I swear to you, on all things, they did), and I have way too much stuff (I have nothing witty to say here...it's straight fact). It's starting to come together (the number of boxes left intact is going down) and I'm almost to the point where I can start figuring out what I'm going to put on walls but I think my first priority is going to be curtains because...it's BRIGHT and I like to be asleep in the morning.
I also realized that curbside pickup is so much better than I originally thought it to be. Yes, it's great. It's a timesaver and it helps with social distancing but there are so many choices! Tonight I picked up an impromptu order from Total Wine and a vacuum cleaner I ordered (because I didn't see it on display even though it was listed as "available" on the app) while I was standing in front of the vacuum cleaner display AT Target in the span of 10 minutes. I also ordered groceries for pickup from Kroger on Thursday so I definitely know how to party.
I mean, honestly, it's a wonder I'm still single...for now...maybe.
Does that mean I'm considering dating again? I have no idea. But it's not a no.
Yikes.
Aubs
Friday, May 8, 2020
I took a Mulligan
After the "Alexander" of a day I had yesterday I woke up early and went to go meet the guy for internet installation. He called me and verified the address. It was wrong (shocker) so he called and got it all straightened out and got a new order set up, got it assigned to him, and got it set up in 20 minutes. Cody from AT&T is my hero.
Aubs
While he worked I put away the stuff I had brought from the condo and we talked about school and how he's struggling with being a "teacher" for a 5th grader. He says he gave me a signal booster so we'll see how that goes once I'm there full time on Sunday. I hope it's faster than what I have to deal with now.
I went to pick up a couple of things I ordered and the guy who got my items warned me they were heavy. I told him I was going to carry them up three flights of stairs and he said, "40." Confused, I said, "No...I'm 38." and he laughed and laughed then said he lived on the third floor and he counted the stairs up and down...40. Then it was my turn to laugh because, by the end of the night yesterday, I'd counted my stairs up and down no less than 30 times. At least it wasn't hot as hell today. Positives, y'all. Looking at the positives.
We had a virtual popcorn party at work today so my group logged in for that. I sent them a text saying, "I clearly didn't get the 'wear a hat' memo today because they were both wearing hats, one forward, one backwards. We discussed how long we had to stay, communicated in gifs, and cleared out as soon as it was acceptable. It's boring without them on the weekends.
After that I blasted music, packed the few remaining boxes I had and loaded up the car...and then I was just done. My mind wandered. I became completely distracted. I checked out.
Damn that brain of mine that sometimes works overtime on all of the wrong things.
It's fiiiiine, though. Sometimes you just need a Netflix/Door Dash night...when movers are coming in less than 48 hours.
I'd say I'm going to bed but it's still about 4-5 hours away from my bedtime these days. Hopefully I'll get lost in what I'm watching otherwise my brain is going to drive me batshit.
Aubs
Thursday, May 7, 2020
Oh, it was moving day, alright...
Today was "THE" day...the day I got the keys to my apartment and the beginning of my new chapter as a quasi-empty-nester at the age of 38. I thought I was prepared for this. I went to the complex, called the office to say I was there, and went to the door to sign the last of the paperwork and get my keys.
The leasing agent legitimately asked if I could come back later. What? Um, no. If I'm paying for today then I want my keys earlier rather than later. I have stuff to do and a job to do, too. She told me the apartment wasn't ready yet but she guessed I could go in and to not put anything on the countertops...only in the middle of the room.
Let's be real. I was pissed before I even got to the unit. When I got there I was so underwhelmed. I blame myself and my idyllic personality. I had it all figured out and it was going to be amazing and perfect and it was just okay. Then I went into the bathroom and that's when I said, "We're done here." It was white. It was sterile and it looked like I walked into the bathroom of a psych ward/looney bin like in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and I walked back out. I called the complex and said, "I'm not going to be able to do this." I explained my position, my disappointment, and how I feel that, if I'm going to be stuck at home for the foreseeable future, that I should at least be happy and comfortable where I live.
The manager listened to my complaints and asked to call me back after she went to go look at the unit...the unit that was already behind schedule because it should've been move-in ready this morning. I got coffee and she called me back to say there were some other units if I was interested in looking. The assistant manager took me to two other units: one just like the one I had leased but on a different floor and an interior apartment instead of a corner. It was near power lines/towers so I knew my mom would say no because she doesn't want me to get cancer. The other one was a little bit bigger and a true 2 bedroom with 2 bathrooms, which I have adamantly announced I don't need since I'm pulling a Kevin McAlister and growing up and getting married and living alone. You know, minus the married thing.
It was so much better. Still on a corner, still on the third floor only with no trees but lots of green space. It was what I expected in my head. Is it more expensive? Yes. Is it probably more space than I truly need? Also yes. But it's still cheaper than what I've been paying and there's a ton of natural light instead of it being a tomb like the one I originally leased. I accepted the $300 gift card they offered me for my trouble and went home to do my Zoom meetings. When they were finished I went back to get my keys, pay the remainder of the prorated amount, and survey my new space. I brought with me a coffee pot and coffee, a toaster, toilet paper, soap, and paper towels...and, I ask you: what else do I really need?
Oh, yes. Internet. The best part about this whole ordeal (and this is serious sarcasm here) is that I get to change my address again. Like, I rushed to change my address because some stuff has already been mailed to the new address and...oh, shoot! Luckily, everyone I had to call directly (electric, insurance, internet installation, etc.) have been really nice and appropriately horrified at my experience. There's been a lot of laughter, which was not expected as I burst into stress tears earlier today. As I was recapping the whole situation to someone they said, "My oh my you are a unique individual," which I took as an exceptional compliment because...duh. I don't let myself get overwhelmed often but this is one of those times where I feel like a mini-meltdown was perfectly acceptable.
The jury's still out on how the next 15 months will go in a variety of ways but here's hoping it doesn't suck and perhaps aims for a little higher than slightly better than mediocre!
Aubs
The leasing agent legitimately asked if I could come back later. What? Um, no. If I'm paying for today then I want my keys earlier rather than later. I have stuff to do and a job to do, too. She told me the apartment wasn't ready yet but she guessed I could go in and to not put anything on the countertops...only in the middle of the room.
Let's be real. I was pissed before I even got to the unit. When I got there I was so underwhelmed. I blame myself and my idyllic personality. I had it all figured out and it was going to be amazing and perfect and it was just okay. Then I went into the bathroom and that's when I said, "We're done here." It was white. It was sterile and it looked like I walked into the bathroom of a psych ward/looney bin like in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and I walked back out. I called the complex and said, "I'm not going to be able to do this." I explained my position, my disappointment, and how I feel that, if I'm going to be stuck at home for the foreseeable future, that I should at least be happy and comfortable where I live.
The manager listened to my complaints and asked to call me back after she went to go look at the unit...the unit that was already behind schedule because it should've been move-in ready this morning. I got coffee and she called me back to say there were some other units if I was interested in looking. The assistant manager took me to two other units: one just like the one I had leased but on a different floor and an interior apartment instead of a corner. It was near power lines/towers so I knew my mom would say no because she doesn't want me to get cancer. The other one was a little bit bigger and a true 2 bedroom with 2 bathrooms, which I have adamantly announced I don't need since I'm pulling a Kevin McAlister and growing up and getting married and living alone. You know, minus the married thing.
It was so much better. Still on a corner, still on the third floor only with no trees but lots of green space. It was what I expected in my head. Is it more expensive? Yes. Is it probably more space than I truly need? Also yes. But it's still cheaper than what I've been paying and there's a ton of natural light instead of it being a tomb like the one I originally leased. I accepted the $300 gift card they offered me for my trouble and went home to do my Zoom meetings. When they were finished I went back to get my keys, pay the remainder of the prorated amount, and survey my new space. I brought with me a coffee pot and coffee, a toaster, toilet paper, soap, and paper towels...and, I ask you: what else do I really need?
Oh, yes. Internet. The best part about this whole ordeal (and this is serious sarcasm here) is that I get to change my address again. Like, I rushed to change my address because some stuff has already been mailed to the new address and...oh, shoot! Luckily, everyone I had to call directly (electric, insurance, internet installation, etc.) have been really nice and appropriately horrified at my experience. There's been a lot of laughter, which was not expected as I burst into stress tears earlier today. As I was recapping the whole situation to someone they said, "My oh my you are a unique individual," which I took as an exceptional compliment because...duh. I don't let myself get overwhelmed often but this is one of those times where I feel like a mini-meltdown was perfectly acceptable.
The jury's still out on how the next 15 months will go in a variety of ways but here's hoping it doesn't suck and perhaps aims for a little higher than slightly better than mediocre!
Aubs
Wednesday, May 6, 2020
Corona-Crazy
I'm pretty sure I'm losing the last few shreds of my sanity. I've laughed entirely too much today over things that aren't even really funny. No, drinking wasn't involved...and, while I AM entirely sleep deprived, I don't think that has a whole lot to do with it either.
But when my best boyfriend (our parents met in childbirth class when they were pregnant with us...and we had the same due date) posted on social media that he would kill for some pho and I immediately responded with "pho real?" and then dissolved in hysterical, slightly maniacal laughter, I knew I was close to the edge. So did he because he almost immediately texted me saying, "You want to Zoom in a little while?" My hero! He and his wife and I had what can only be described as an adventure on our video chat. Bless his heart...he's really become "one with his emotions" these days and it resulted in a lot of laughter (us) and more tears (not us). Bless.
I get the keys to my new apartment tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I'm excited about this but I'm also kind of nervous. It's a huge leap of faith, renting an apartment sight unseen. I've seen floor plans and a virtual tour of a similar unit but it's not the one I'm moving into and I'm not sure what to expect. I really hope it doesn't suck.
Today I was on a Zoom call with my two partners in crime, brothers that I work with, when one of them and I got an email, simultaneously, to fill out a reference request for my work bestie. While we all understand that she is ultimately looking for something closer to home I, selfishly, don't want her to leave. I 100% wouldn't blame her at all but it's my hope that she hears me when I say "Why would you want to trade something that's at least KNOWN for something that's unknown?" She agreed...fingers crossed!
So, as I sit on the couch and contemplate whether I will go to bed before my new typical bedtime (between 2:00 and 3:00) I have "Pride & Prejudice" on in the background. This movie captivates me every single time I watch it. I don't know why I'm obsessed with it lately but I catch some little nuance I previously missed each time it's on...like just now when Darcy and Lizzie are dancing and then, all of a sudden, they become the only two in the room. LOVE.
Since sleep escapes me I find that I look forward to midnight each night...so I can see what my timehop/memories are on social media. Yes, I am perfectly aware that I'm the lamest of the lame but some of them make me giggle because they're adorable (usually kid quotes/conversations) and some of them are downright HILARIOUS. One of my favorite ones popped up the other day and it simply said, "Oh, men wearing backwards baseball caps and/or driving big trucks...why must you tempt me?"
Still true....SO true. That's my freaking kryptonite. But honestly backwards or forwards makes zero difference to me. It's just hot.
There are a lot of memories that highlight my innate fear of birds and people mocking that very real, and entirely understandable, fear. Birds are gross. They're creepy and they stare and what the hell is up with owls whose head spin all the way around? THEY NEVER BLINK and they're just eerie when they hoot.
The only hoot I like is Hootie and the Blowfish and I stand by that statement...band and solo career.
Aubs
But when my best boyfriend (our parents met in childbirth class when they were pregnant with us...and we had the same due date) posted on social media that he would kill for some pho and I immediately responded with "pho real?" and then dissolved in hysterical, slightly maniacal laughter, I knew I was close to the edge. So did he because he almost immediately texted me saying, "You want to Zoom in a little while?" My hero! He and his wife and I had what can only be described as an adventure on our video chat. Bless his heart...he's really become "one with his emotions" these days and it resulted in a lot of laughter (us) and more tears (not us). Bless.
I get the keys to my new apartment tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I'm excited about this but I'm also kind of nervous. It's a huge leap of faith, renting an apartment sight unseen. I've seen floor plans and a virtual tour of a similar unit but it's not the one I'm moving into and I'm not sure what to expect. I really hope it doesn't suck.
Today I was on a Zoom call with my two partners in crime, brothers that I work with, when one of them and I got an email, simultaneously, to fill out a reference request for my work bestie. While we all understand that she is ultimately looking for something closer to home I, selfishly, don't want her to leave. I 100% wouldn't blame her at all but it's my hope that she hears me when I say "Why would you want to trade something that's at least KNOWN for something that's unknown?" She agreed...fingers crossed!
So, as I sit on the couch and contemplate whether I will go to bed before my new typical bedtime (between 2:00 and 3:00) I have "Pride & Prejudice" on in the background. This movie captivates me every single time I watch it. I don't know why I'm obsessed with it lately but I catch some little nuance I previously missed each time it's on...like just now when Darcy and Lizzie are dancing and then, all of a sudden, they become the only two in the room. LOVE.
Since sleep escapes me I find that I look forward to midnight each night...so I can see what my timehop/memories are on social media. Yes, I am perfectly aware that I'm the lamest of the lame but some of them make me giggle because they're adorable (usually kid quotes/conversations) and some of them are downright HILARIOUS. One of my favorite ones popped up the other day and it simply said, "Oh, men wearing backwards baseball caps and/or driving big trucks...why must you tempt me?"
Still true....SO true. That's my freaking kryptonite. But honestly backwards or forwards makes zero difference to me. It's just hot.
There are a lot of memories that highlight my innate fear of birds and people mocking that very real, and entirely understandable, fear. Birds are gross. They're creepy and they stare and what the hell is up with owls whose head spin all the way around? THEY NEVER BLINK and they're just eerie when they hoot.
The only hoot I like is Hootie and the Blowfish and I stand by that statement...band and solo career.
Aubs
Tuesday, May 5, 2020
Staying busy
I move in just a few days. There is a lot that needs to be done. There is a lot of partial packing going on around here and my desire to do anything additional is pretty low. It'll get done but it's going to be chaotic and, while I do enjoy some chaotic situations sometimes, this is not one of those times.
I like my carefully controlled chaos in the classroom. I like the cacophony of noise: laughter, good-natured yelling, the zipping and unzipping of backpacks, the low chatter they think I don't hear (but soon realize I always do with a "How did you HEAR that? You were across the room!" and even the clicking of pens and pencils. I miss going off on tangents and then having to explain those witty tangents which makes them less funny and interesting but also more so at the same time because it's like they're anxiously awaiting the next one...and they're going to get it this time!
I miss the arguments and debates. I miss the roasts. God, I miss the roasts. I miss the bright smiles, the hugs, and the runninginthedoortotellmethemostamazingthingthatjusthappenedandI'llneverguess moments. I miss being able to tell, simply by the looks on their faces, whether their actual mood matches what their words say. I miss my radar for "off behavior" which is rarely wrong. I miss the jokes and the banter. I miss the hugs and the notes and the loitering way some of them pack up to leave so they don't have to rush out the door or those who "accidentally on purpose" leave their phones in the wall pockets so they have to come back later.
I miss them calling me "mom" or one of my other approved name choices. I just miss them. And, a lot of the time, being around them helps me to not miss my boys as much. But, the truth of the matter is, I hate this. This is not the type of mom I ever thought I would be. I have been super active and present in the lives of both of my boys from day 1. I've been room mom and team mom and the house where everyone wants to come hang out, play video games, and eat snacks. That has pissed my boys off but also made them really happy at the same time. Emotions are hard, man.
I just feel so...empty. Perhaps it's the isolation that we're all practicing right now with social distancing and all of that but it's seriously lonely. Lonelier than I realized. Being able to see/talk to my students helps. Going from seeing their faces daily to not seeing them at all is really lame. I had two Zoom sessions today to discuss their upcoming AP Exam and the usual suspects showed up for the first one (4-7 of them) but I had more than I expected for the evening Zoom, including a couple I haven't heard from in a while. It made my heart happy to hear from them and hear their voices even though most of them refused to show their faces. I did get to see a couple of them when I did a drive-thru run for an iced coffee and that made my afternoon.
This whole situation has been a great lesson in slowing down. Everything happens for a reason but I'm counting down to all.the.happy.reunions...with my own boys, first and foremost, but also with my school kids. I can't wait to hug all of their necks and tell them how much I love them.
Aubs
P.S. My AP kids have started to receive their notes. The sheer number of messages I've received since they started being delivered and the tones of surprise and happiness and all.the.feels they've told me they felt...well, it's just been the hugest mood booster to know that such a simple little thing has had such an impact on their mood and motivation. I declare success!
I like my carefully controlled chaos in the classroom. I like the cacophony of noise: laughter, good-natured yelling, the zipping and unzipping of backpacks, the low chatter they think I don't hear (but soon realize I always do with a "How did you HEAR that? You were across the room!" and even the clicking of pens and pencils. I miss going off on tangents and then having to explain those witty tangents which makes them less funny and interesting but also more so at the same time because it's like they're anxiously awaiting the next one...and they're going to get it this time!
I miss the arguments and debates. I miss the roasts. God, I miss the roasts. I miss the bright smiles, the hugs, and the runninginthedoortotellmethemostamazingthingthatjusthappenedandI'llneverguess moments. I miss being able to tell, simply by the looks on their faces, whether their actual mood matches what their words say. I miss my radar for "off behavior" which is rarely wrong. I miss the jokes and the banter. I miss the hugs and the notes and the loitering way some of them pack up to leave so they don't have to rush out the door or those who "accidentally on purpose" leave their phones in the wall pockets so they have to come back later.
I miss them calling me "mom" or one of my other approved name choices. I just miss them. And, a lot of the time, being around them helps me to not miss my boys as much. But, the truth of the matter is, I hate this. This is not the type of mom I ever thought I would be. I have been super active and present in the lives of both of my boys from day 1. I've been room mom and team mom and the house where everyone wants to come hang out, play video games, and eat snacks. That has pissed my boys off but also made them really happy at the same time. Emotions are hard, man.
I just feel so...empty. Perhaps it's the isolation that we're all practicing right now with social distancing and all of that but it's seriously lonely. Lonelier than I realized. Being able to see/talk to my students helps. Going from seeing their faces daily to not seeing them at all is really lame. I had two Zoom sessions today to discuss their upcoming AP Exam and the usual suspects showed up for the first one (4-7 of them) but I had more than I expected for the evening Zoom, including a couple I haven't heard from in a while. It made my heart happy to hear from them and hear their voices even though most of them refused to show their faces. I did get to see a couple of them when I did a drive-thru run for an iced coffee and that made my afternoon.
This whole situation has been a great lesson in slowing down. Everything happens for a reason but I'm counting down to all.the.happy.reunions...with my own boys, first and foremost, but also with my school kids. I can't wait to hug all of their necks and tell them how much I love them.
Aubs
P.S. My AP kids have started to receive their notes. The sheer number of messages I've received since they started being delivered and the tones of surprise and happiness and all.the.feels they've told me they felt...well, it's just been the hugest mood booster to know that such a simple little thing has had such an impact on their mood and motivation. I declare success!
Monday, May 4, 2020
When it's over
Without going into too much detail it's been a really rough calendar year in my household.
I am moving into a new place on Sunday and today I had my 17-year-old son come and pick up the rest of his belongings. He's storing them at my mom's until he figures out what his next move is but it was really hard for me for this to be the path that we had to take.
When he came to get his stuff he was angry and I would imagine quite hurt. We've taken "breaks" from each other before where's he's gone to stay with his dad, temporarily, while we both cool off but this has an air of permanence. No, there's no "air" of permanence. It is permanent.
It breaks my heart and gives me hope all at the same time. It breaks my heart because it is hard to send your firstborn to his dad's permanently. It breaks my heart because the reasons seem so futile and yet they are also so important. It is yet another in a long line of brokenhearted moments in the last year.
I know my stubborn, willful, kind-hearted son is hurting now but there is always hope. It is my hope that he will continue to forge his path and create this life that he desperately wants to make his own. It is my hope that he will know success with a minimum of failure but, if he must fail, that the failure will be something that is useful to him as he redefines success and tailors it to the plans he's made.
It is my hope that one day he will not look at me with anger in his eyes and venom on his tongue and that he will realize that the reason I made this happen was simply because I loved him too much to let him continue this pattern of self-destruction.
My heart breaks and is simultaneously hopeful every single day but today was definitely more heartbreak. And after he was gone I went into his room and took down the curtains. I removed the last few things from the room and bathroom and, as I walked into the hallway while folding his shower curtain, a song came on my playlist, a song that struck such a huge emotional cord with me that I crumpled to the floor and sobbed into that shower curtain like I'd just lost everything.
"Boy" by Lee Brice
"Boy, you're gonna know it all, you'll think you're ten feet tall, and run like your bulletproof and total a car or two. Boy, you're gonna hate this town, wish you could burn it down, that fire in your eyes is twenty counties wide...Boy, you're gonna be so stubborn, yeah, you get that from your mother. I can already see it now, you're not built for backing down."
Even now I can't even describe the pain that I felt and, if you know what I'm talking about, then, listen to me, dear one...I am so sorry. I know your heart is shattered and it may take a long time to pick up the pieces but you can. And you will. And you are an example of strength and grace for us all.
This is a season in life and I understand that but it's just such a really hard season. I truly hope that he and I will mend what has been damaged whenever he's ready. Until then...it's just hope.
Tonight I got in the car and drove...for hours. I gave one of the more gut-wrenching car concerts of my life until I just couldn't anymore. Then I drove home and climbed into bed (where I am now) knowing that sleep will not come for several hours still and I'm probably not done crying yet.
The question is do I help it along by watching a little 2005 "Pride & Prejudice" and just allow myself to completely breakdown? How much do I want my face to resemble a swollen punching bag tomorrow as I host 3-4 Zoom meetings? Will it even help?
I think it's important to understand that my personal life, my life with my own children, used to be the only focus that I had. They were the reasons I started to blog: funny stories and anecdotes about parenting as a single mom to two boys who are pretty dang hilarious and witty, and just to keep it as real as possible. As they got older, they wanted out of the "limelight" of my life. They asked me not to post about them on social media and I respect that, so I did. I was so busy with life and school and trying to be a perfect person juggling entirely too many things...that I let my "outlet" fall by the wayside. Picking it back up again, albeit during a pandemic, has often soothed my soul on nights where nothing else has worked.
Because of their requests, my (venting) focus has changed. While they would like to remain anonymous I also have 170-something other darlings who will remain anonymous, too...but it's way easier to describe the frustrations and hilarity without revealing identities.
So, today, when one precious one sent me a message basically saying, "When is our exam and also how do we do it?" after I've literally made posts at least once a week (usually more), not to mention MAILED them materials with the information inside, done multiple Zoom meetings to explain, and posted resource after resource...I struggled to respond in a way that was productive. I suggested they check their email for emails from the College Board.
And then I did a crazy thing. I TURNED OFF MY PHONE.
Yes. I did. And do you know what? I didn't die. I didn't miss anything important. It all waited for me.
Crazy, right?
Aubs
I am moving into a new place on Sunday and today I had my 17-year-old son come and pick up the rest of his belongings. He's storing them at my mom's until he figures out what his next move is but it was really hard for me for this to be the path that we had to take.
When he came to get his stuff he was angry and I would imagine quite hurt. We've taken "breaks" from each other before where's he's gone to stay with his dad, temporarily, while we both cool off but this has an air of permanence. No, there's no "air" of permanence. It is permanent.
It breaks my heart and gives me hope all at the same time. It breaks my heart because it is hard to send your firstborn to his dad's permanently. It breaks my heart because the reasons seem so futile and yet they are also so important. It is yet another in a long line of brokenhearted moments in the last year.
I know my stubborn, willful, kind-hearted son is hurting now but there is always hope. It is my hope that he will continue to forge his path and create this life that he desperately wants to make his own. It is my hope that he will know success with a minimum of failure but, if he must fail, that the failure will be something that is useful to him as he redefines success and tailors it to the plans he's made.
It is my hope that one day he will not look at me with anger in his eyes and venom on his tongue and that he will realize that the reason I made this happen was simply because I loved him too much to let him continue this pattern of self-destruction.
My heart breaks and is simultaneously hopeful every single day but today was definitely more heartbreak. And after he was gone I went into his room and took down the curtains. I removed the last few things from the room and bathroom and, as I walked into the hallway while folding his shower curtain, a song came on my playlist, a song that struck such a huge emotional cord with me that I crumpled to the floor and sobbed into that shower curtain like I'd just lost everything.
"Boy" by Lee Brice
"Boy, you're gonna know it all, you'll think you're ten feet tall, and run like your bulletproof and total a car or two. Boy, you're gonna hate this town, wish you could burn it down, that fire in your eyes is twenty counties wide...Boy, you're gonna be so stubborn, yeah, you get that from your mother. I can already see it now, you're not built for backing down."
Even now I can't even describe the pain that I felt and, if you know what I'm talking about, then, listen to me, dear one...I am so sorry. I know your heart is shattered and it may take a long time to pick up the pieces but you can. And you will. And you are an example of strength and grace for us all.
This is a season in life and I understand that but it's just such a really hard season. I truly hope that he and I will mend what has been damaged whenever he's ready. Until then...it's just hope.
Tonight I got in the car and drove...for hours. I gave one of the more gut-wrenching car concerts of my life until I just couldn't anymore. Then I drove home and climbed into bed (where I am now) knowing that sleep will not come for several hours still and I'm probably not done crying yet.
The question is do I help it along by watching a little 2005 "Pride & Prejudice" and just allow myself to completely breakdown? How much do I want my face to resemble a swollen punching bag tomorrow as I host 3-4 Zoom meetings? Will it even help?
I think it's important to understand that my personal life, my life with my own children, used to be the only focus that I had. They were the reasons I started to blog: funny stories and anecdotes about parenting as a single mom to two boys who are pretty dang hilarious and witty, and just to keep it as real as possible. As they got older, they wanted out of the "limelight" of my life. They asked me not to post about them on social media and I respect that, so I did. I was so busy with life and school and trying to be a perfect person juggling entirely too many things...that I let my "outlet" fall by the wayside. Picking it back up again, albeit during a pandemic, has often soothed my soul on nights where nothing else has worked.
Because of their requests, my (venting) focus has changed. While they would like to remain anonymous I also have 170-something other darlings who will remain anonymous, too...but it's way easier to describe the frustrations and hilarity without revealing identities.
So, today, when one precious one sent me a message basically saying, "When is our exam and also how do we do it?" after I've literally made posts at least once a week (usually more), not to mention MAILED them materials with the information inside, done multiple Zoom meetings to explain, and posted resource after resource...I struggled to respond in a way that was productive. I suggested they check their email for emails from the College Board.
And then I did a crazy thing. I TURNED OFF MY PHONE.
Yes. I did. And do you know what? I didn't die. I didn't miss anything important. It all waited for me.
Crazy, right?
Aubs
Friday, May 1, 2020
Justin Timberlake Day
You already know...this is the day where Justin Timberlake blows up the internet because it's May 1.
As someone who was a teenager when N*Sync was a thing and, even then, I was like, "What the hell is he singing about May for?" It was me. He was singing about me. Well, not ME...but himself. You know?
There was a department meeting today, which was really more of a check-in, which really means that we all wind up "picking" at the same co-worker because...well, if I were to explain it we'd sound like serious assholes but really, it's not like that.
One of our co-workers asks a lot of questions. A lot of the time they're perfectly good questions. He also takes things incredibly literally so today someone asked him for a house tour. I'm dying laughing as I think about how he was all "Oh, okay..." and looking for ways to be accommodating while everyone laughed. Then co-worker came back onto the screen wearing a seriously bedazzled sombrero and we laughed even harder. And even harder still when we heard about how some of the football coaches got lost WITHIN an apartment complex and couldn't find their truck. Being stuck at home clearly lowers the threshold of comedy.
After the meeting and flopping on the couch for a while I decided I needed to get out for a while so I went for a drive. I drove over to my new apartment then subconsciously drove like I was driving to school while I talked to my mom. I called my dad on the way home and then walked through my condo and out the back door to the track behind my house. As I circled the track, talking to my dad, it just felt so peaceful. Windy...but peaceful. Do I have other things to do? Yes. I have 34 more notes to write to add to envelopes of materials before I stamp them and send them to the last of my AP kids. I have a house to finish packing before I get my keys next week. But instead I just wanted to be outside...so I did that.
While I was out there I firmed up a social distancing coffee date with my work bestie (I CANNOT WAIT) and fielded another request for a tour tomorrow. My landlord has the condo available for sale or for rent so realtors show it for sales and I've been doing FaceTime tours and stuff for my landlord because I am entirely too nice. He offered me $100 of my last month's rent for my trouble but let me just tell you...it's been a whole lot more trouble than that. It's annoying and so much of an inconvenience.
There's a student I usually hear from daily and I haven't heard from her in about a week, to the point where I was genuinely concerned...so I started tracking her down. She didn't answer. Her brother didn't answer. So I started reaching out to friends. They said she posted on Instagram so I knew she was okay but then I get a message: "My sister took my phone because I've been procrastinating...I'm sorry I worried you...I love you, dubs."
Part of me is baffled by how baffled they are that someone who doesn't have to care actually cares. It's such a different mindset for me and I often forget that it's not what they're used to and sometimes they just need a reminder.
Luckily, I'm annoying like that. 😉
Aubs
As someone who was a teenager when N*Sync was a thing and, even then, I was like, "What the hell is he singing about May for?" It was me. He was singing about me. Well, not ME...but himself. You know?
There was a department meeting today, which was really more of a check-in, which really means that we all wind up "picking" at the same co-worker because...well, if I were to explain it we'd sound like serious assholes but really, it's not like that.
One of our co-workers asks a lot of questions. A lot of the time they're perfectly good questions. He also takes things incredibly literally so today someone asked him for a house tour. I'm dying laughing as I think about how he was all "Oh, okay..." and looking for ways to be accommodating while everyone laughed. Then co-worker came back onto the screen wearing a seriously bedazzled sombrero and we laughed even harder. And even harder still when we heard about how some of the football coaches got lost WITHIN an apartment complex and couldn't find their truck. Being stuck at home clearly lowers the threshold of comedy.
After the meeting and flopping on the couch for a while I decided I needed to get out for a while so I went for a drive. I drove over to my new apartment then subconsciously drove like I was driving to school while I talked to my mom. I called my dad on the way home and then walked through my condo and out the back door to the track behind my house. As I circled the track, talking to my dad, it just felt so peaceful. Windy...but peaceful. Do I have other things to do? Yes. I have 34 more notes to write to add to envelopes of materials before I stamp them and send them to the last of my AP kids. I have a house to finish packing before I get my keys next week. But instead I just wanted to be outside...so I did that.
While I was out there I firmed up a social distancing coffee date with my work bestie (I CANNOT WAIT) and fielded another request for a tour tomorrow. My landlord has the condo available for sale or for rent so realtors show it for sales and I've been doing FaceTime tours and stuff for my landlord because I am entirely too nice. He offered me $100 of my last month's rent for my trouble but let me just tell you...it's been a whole lot more trouble than that. It's annoying and so much of an inconvenience.
There's a student I usually hear from daily and I haven't heard from her in about a week, to the point where I was genuinely concerned...so I started tracking her down. She didn't answer. Her brother didn't answer. So I started reaching out to friends. They said she posted on Instagram so I knew she was okay but then I get a message: "My sister took my phone because I've been procrastinating...I'm sorry I worried you...I love you, dubs."
Part of me is baffled by how baffled they are that someone who doesn't have to care actually cares. It's such a different mindset for me and I often forget that it's not what they're used to and sometimes they just need a reminder.
Luckily, I'm annoying like that. 😉
Aubs
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)