After an Easter Sunday where I literally rolled out of bed at 12:30 (first time in MONTHS...maybe YEARS) and then wondered how it was already midnight what seemed like two blinks later (I was writing lots and lots of notes), I wasn't really sure how this day was going to go.
Let me back up a little bit. Since I have no idea when we're headed back to school and I wanted to make sure my AP kids (all of whom are still testing) had tools they could use to help streamline their prep process, I decided to send them some resources. I've been writing personalized notes for the last couple of days and I'm finally over halfway done. I could write a generic message but I'm far from generic (they will tell you this is true) and instead I tend to border on extra.
Like when I match cards to personalities and then ink choices to cards. It's a process. I sometimes find myself agonizing over which is the absolute right card, all while knowing, full well, that they have no idea that's what I do and that they would roll their eyes so hard they'd get stuck if they did.
But, I digress. Anyway, I have been writing and addressing and stuffing envelopes and applying all of the extra postage because...fun fact: 1.3 oz requires $0.70 worth of postage and if you go to the Post Office on Saturday afternoon when they're already closed then the self-service machine prints EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF POSTAGE SEPARATELY: in $0.15 and $0.55 increments. That's right, friends, I watched over 200 stamps print one.by.one.
Other patrons were pissed but what was I supposed to do? Abandon my (already paid for) stamps as they printed. Nopes.
Today I ran a few errands and finally got my hands on some cloth masks to wear if I absolutely have to (read: if I get judged by others) but I mostly just stay at home or wander aimlessly in my car so I don't do a lot of people-ing. People-watching, on the other hand...well, that's gloriously entertaining.
Today I had to go BACK to the post office to mail a few things and then I had a video chat with my sweet Oompa Loompa (student) to help her fill out her registration form for college/dual credit next year. She kept sending me screenshots saying, "Which do I choose?" so I suggested a Zoom. She shared her screen and we filled it out together and I was just so proud of her when she was done because there are so many others who have just kind of tapped out and, here she is, pushing forward, full steam ahead.
There have been several students who, over the weekend, have sent me messages telling me how unmotivated and stressed they are: they've had several friends who passed away recently, their families are struggling to make ends meet, they're trying to find second jobs to help their families, and the list goes on and on. Today, in my Monday morning (weekly) post I told them that I wanted them to check in with me this week and let me know what's going on with them and how I can help. I got a few replies (this usually picks up later in the week) and these two had me in tears:
"Hey Dubs, I'm doing alright. I am trying my best to keep up with all my classes and the work. Honestly, I do miss school, everything feels out of place. Even though it was a struggle at times it's better than spending everyday inside the house. I mean I do go walk outside from time to time but that's about it. I just want this to be over so we can somewhat go back to normal, plus I do miss taking notes in your classroom 😂 and getting distracted by all the stuff Fernando and you would discuss...it's already been a month and we most likely aren't going back are we? I mean there's like a month left and the numbers don't seem to be reducing either, I don't know. But I can't wait to see you either Ms. Williams. You actually made history fun for me and many others like no other teacher could 😔 and I love you too, Dubs. 💜"
AND THEN.
"Hello Ms. Williams I hope you're doing okay and I really miss you. That might sound weird because I don't really talk much but you were really sweet to me and you are truly one of the best teachers I've had, you check in on your students and make sure they're okay and I think many many teachers don't really do that. I love the way you reach out to all of us and the way you made me feel proud of my own accomplishments. I never thought that hearing a teacher say that they were proud of me would help me so much and for that I'm incredibly grateful. Honestly, this pandemic is horrible, I really did take school for granted, I complained about it so much when it really kept me busy to the point in which there wasn't any room to feel sad. I saw faces of people that helped me get through my bad days and now here I am locked up at home. I'm not in pain or anything like that. I'm okay. I have my good days and I have my incredibly bad ones in which I just lose my composure. I think it's kind of an issue to depend on people to feel happy but yeah I'm trying my best to keep myself busy and occupied and to talk to the people that help, including you because you've been the best, a couple of words really did make me feel great. I love you and have great rest of the day."
There a lot of days where I feel like I'm annoying the crap out of them but then they send messages saying, "PLEASE don't stop," and I realize that I am, in fact, a lifeline for so many of them...those who feel isolated or sad or unmotivated. I've cried buckets of tears in the last 24 hours - for my own boys and missing the absolute hell out of them, for a mini-pity party, and for my school kids who have come to realize that they DO actually love being in that building.
I don't know what the future holds, for this year or next, but I keep thinking back to my interview at the beginning of the summer where the two individuals interviewing me told me that the kids just need someone to care. I told them, rather confidently, that I could definitely handle that, and I think I have.
What I didn't count on was reciprocation, which is making my heart swell in all ways that are good.
I miss them. I miss school. I miss "normal."
I miss my people.
Aubs
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