Sometimes you just have those days and I knew I was due for one because it's been a while. By the time I started my first Zoom of the day (where one person logged in for it...and it wasn't even anyone from my district but someone who just wanted to join to "hang out" for a while) I already knew I had a shorter fuse than normal.
By the time I got to my second (and third) meetings of the day I was about to lose my shit over the same phrase that kept getting repeated. I can't even think about it right now because...OH.MY.GOD. The one saving grace was that, between meetings two and three, I made myself go outside and sit in the sun since it's been freakishly cold the last few days. That was a brilliant choice until I went inside to shower and realized I had meeting three in 13 minutes which made me thankful that I was able to attend the meeting without showing my face and slowly drying hair.
My landlord put a potential renter in touch with me so she could see the place (with all necessary precautions, of course) so I reluctantly set up an appointment for 5:30...and at 6:52 she finally texted to say she was busy but she'd just come by tomorrow. Um, no, ma'am. Not my problem. I made arrangements for today and I'm not jumping through any damn hoops. Like I said: short fuse.
By 8:00 I said "screw it" and headed upstairs to go to bed but once I got there I said, "Self, you need to get the eff out of here," so I put on a hoodie and a pair of Nikes and ripped apart the unpacked part of my house looking for a pair of earbuds. I found some Apple earbuds (I hate them; I know, I'm weird. This isn't news) and took off. I just needed to be...not here.
I was gone for an hour and it was like shuffle knew exactly what I needed to hear. It was a ballad kind of night across all the genres that popped up in my "Aubs" playlist with very few skips, which is always a bonus. And as I listened and walked/jogged and spun around as I two-stepped around to a few songs, I felt my mood lift a little bit. Music is such a powerful thing. Anyone who says it isn't hasn't really given musical therapy a try.
But as I let the words, melodies, and memories wash over me something a very wise friend once told me popped into my head. Once upon a time she told me "When you have high highs you have low lows and that's never going to work out. You need to be with someone who's steady and in the middle." and since I'm as single as the day is long I thought about my relationship with myself. My life is full of (self-inflicted) high highs and low lows. Today was a prime example of a bottomed out low...and for what reason? ME.
As I had that epiphany, T-Swift's "Back to December" came on and as I sang along (okay, lie, I belted it like my heart was breaking) I briefly wished I could go back to December and make some different choices. Nothing happened in December, nothing earth-shattering anyway, but how different would life be right now if I made one different decision or set a different goal? I'm never one who wishes they could go back to do anything (realistic anyway...a girl can daydream) but as T-Swift transitioned into Darius Rucker (He'll always be Hootie to me) I was hit with a serious wave of remorse. Remorse for what, I have no idea but I felt every single word of "If I Told You" tonight like it was my freakin' anthem.
I think I just need to fall apart and get it all out but...I'm a bottler. It doesn't work for me to just unload emotion because I only wind up venting words which does help, don't get me wrong, but man. I wish I liked to run. If I could beat the hell out of my body with a depleting run maybe that would help.
I just know that, instead of looking forward to tomorrow being Friday, I really no longer care what day it is. Every single day is the same. There's no differentiation. I feel it. I know my students have been feeling it. And they even frustrated the hell out of me today, so much so that I sent out a message saying next week's meetings were mandatory. They won't follow it or care (this is not melancholy but actual fact) but it was therapeutic for me to voice my disappointment over an online forum. You know...if any of them read it.
They don't care. And I don't blame them, if I'm being 100% honest. This school year has become a crapshoot and they are are not built for or trained to complete this school year in this capacity. I just honestly thought that the relationships we have forged all year would help to propel them forward to some level of success...but based on the level of engagement, buy-in, and interaction, it appears that is too much to ask.
And while that's disappointing as a teacher, their teacher, as a person who's taken the time to get to know them as individuals, it's a total letdown.
And heartbreaking.
Aubs
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