I swear...sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) my life is just ridiculous. I couldn't make it up if I tried. So let me set the scene for you if I can even do it justice.
3:00: I've finished my AP Zoom for the afternoon and I'm spending some time outside, soaking up a few rays as I try to convince myself to grade a few more DBQs. My phone buzzes and it's a number I don't recognize. They'd like to Facetime. Decline. Then a text message pops up requesting a Facetime tour of the condo. It's 3:37. I suggest 4:00 so I have time to run inside and make sure there's no underwear on the floor.
4:00: Well, she's prompt, that's for sure. I go outside and start from the parking lot. I take her through the house, show her the school behind the condo, fill her in on the differences between CHS and New Tech and she's super interested and very nice. Cool. We talk for about 30 minutes while I show her around, virtually, and answer her questions.
5:00: I text a friend who wants to come try out my couch (which is too big for the apartment I'm moving into next week). We've been trying to coordinate a time for a couple of days. She swears today will be the day.
6:00: I decide I need Starbucks. I drive to the location that was open only to find that it's not open anymore. It's too late to turn back now so I mobile order to the next closest one that's open...which is close to where I teach. I decide an Iced Almond Milk Honey Latte sounds amazing. I join the line of cars wrapped around the building and wait to get my drink. While I wait I look at the description and see it has 4 SHOTS OF ESPRESSO. I go for it anyway; I've already ordered.
6:37: I get my drink. IT. IS. AMAZING. And I say that BEFORE the caffeine has started buzzing through my veins. It's pretty sweet; when I get it again I'll half the honey. My tastebuds are blissed out.
6:45: I remember I need contacts solution and I'm still on the hunt for my skinny cans of Diet Coke that apparently no longer exist so I stop at Walmart because it's right there. (Side note: If anyone knows where I can find any of the tall, skinny cans of Diet Coke - feisty cherry, ginger lime, strawberry guava, blueberry acai, blood orange, twisted mango...any of them, let me know. Seriously. Or buy them!) There is no Diet Coke. I'm am still heartbroken over this.
7:05: I text my friend and basically say, "I swear you better not forget." She responds with "I swear I'm coming." She tries to go to my old house since I've only lived here for 2 years. She pulls up and I greet her with "Do you know anyone who wants to buy/rent this place?" She says, "My sister is moving back here. Let me call her."
7:10: Sister shows up. She walks in and is super excited. I show her around. She loves it. Friend loves the couch. We all load up in our own cars to go back to her house to see if there will be a couch swap.
7:12: It is confirmed that there is a couch swap that is happening. Young adult son and friend (hers, not mine) are voluntold they will be doing a couch swap. Friend's sister tells her husband to come look at the condo.
7:15: Another tour of the condo. He is also a fan.
During this time I've also been texting my landlord and he is thrilled that there's another contender. I feel like I should be getting a commission.
By the time the great couch swap occurs it's after 9:00 but it was a super productive day and it may as well have been 4:30 in the afternoon because I chugged 4 shots of espresso in less than 10 minutes.
But wait! There's more. I get a text message from my friend later on saying "________(name deleted for privacy) is crushing on you!" to which I reply, "Bless. Kindly tell the child (22) that I'm almost 39." and she says, "He just told us and we were all 'What?! You only saw her for two seconds!'" to which he replied, "That's all it took."
Y'all. I'm dying. I am dead. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
Aubs
Thursday, April 30, 2020
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
You know what I hate? Packing.
This is not someone anyone looks forward to, I don't think. If you do then I boldly declare there is something wrong with you. By the time I get to the end I either start throwing stuff in boxes without caring whether or not I actually want/need it, threaten to burn it all down, or toss it all in a donate pile to sit in the back of my car for a month. The dumpster is also a solid choice.
I've been in a stalemate with my packing. It feels like I keep packing boxes but the pile of stuff doesn't get any smaller. It's' cool, it's fine...but it's going to be (next) Thursday before I know it and I'm going to be all, "Ummmmmm...yes?" when the movers come a couple of days later and say, "Everything goes?" I'm glad I'm super decisive in all the other aspects of my life.
Although I've been looking for tons of excuses to not pack there are two things I've been avoiding even more: grading DBQs and writing notes to my AP kids for their exam in a couple of weeks. Honestly, I like doing the last thing but it can be tedious. I had an assembly line going for a while when I was gung-ho on getting it done and wrote 2/3 of my letters in a couple of days. Now I have roughly 30 to go and, while I know I'll get them done before the end of the weekend, it seems kind of overwhelming right now. Then again, it's better than having 80 left so I'll take this victory.
Side note: Am I the only one who kisses envelopes before putting them in the mailbox? I think it's supposed to send them with love or something but I do it all the time. The bills I pay the old-fashioned way? Sent with love. Letters to friends and family? Sent with love. Birthday cards? Love. Sympathy cards? Love. Filling up mailer envelopes with all the junk mail I get and mailing them back? All. The. Love.
Right now the easiest way for me to avoid doing things I should be doing is Starz. I've become obsessed with "The White Queen," and I'm super sad I'm on the last episode right now but it segues right into "The White Princess" and then "The Spanish Princess" which I've already seen but will totally watch again so I can watch them all in order. Speaking of period drama...today a kid was telling me that Monster and Rockstar stopped working for them so they moved on to Bang and Reign and I was all, "The show on CW?" and they replied, "Worst show CW has ever made." First of all, I was surprised they knew what I was talking about. Second of all, WHAT?! I'll admit it was cheesy and ridiculous but it's for teenagers. It's supposed to be filled with angst and misunderstandings and hyperactive egos.
Every once in a while it makes me wish for a someone but those moments are fleeting and I remember that being happy as a solo entity is what it's all about. I do enough caring for...well, pretty much everyone as it is. Having a significant other would mean time is being taken away from someone and, if I were a betting (wo)man, I'd say the person it would take the most away from would be me because I would agonize over whether or not everyone I cared about was being loved and valued as best as I could.
That's the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night: if others can feel and fully understand the love I have for, or try to show, them. It doesn't have to be returned; love isn't about equity. It does make me think of the King George himself..."it's only love if you're loved in return..." but I respectfully disagree, George. Sometimes you have to love someone who can't or won't love themselves.
And that's a LOT of people in my life these days.
Aubs
I've been in a stalemate with my packing. It feels like I keep packing boxes but the pile of stuff doesn't get any smaller. It's' cool, it's fine...but it's going to be (next) Thursday before I know it and I'm going to be all, "Ummmmmm...yes?" when the movers come a couple of days later and say, "Everything goes?" I'm glad I'm super decisive in all the other aspects of my life.
Although I've been looking for tons of excuses to not pack there are two things I've been avoiding even more: grading DBQs and writing notes to my AP kids for their exam in a couple of weeks. Honestly, I like doing the last thing but it can be tedious. I had an assembly line going for a while when I was gung-ho on getting it done and wrote 2/3 of my letters in a couple of days. Now I have roughly 30 to go and, while I know I'll get them done before the end of the weekend, it seems kind of overwhelming right now. Then again, it's better than having 80 left so I'll take this victory.
Side note: Am I the only one who kisses envelopes before putting them in the mailbox? I think it's supposed to send them with love or something but I do it all the time. The bills I pay the old-fashioned way? Sent with love. Letters to friends and family? Sent with love. Birthday cards? Love. Sympathy cards? Love. Filling up mailer envelopes with all the junk mail I get and mailing them back? All. The. Love.
Right now the easiest way for me to avoid doing things I should be doing is Starz. I've become obsessed with "The White Queen," and I'm super sad I'm on the last episode right now but it segues right into "The White Princess" and then "The Spanish Princess" which I've already seen but will totally watch again so I can watch them all in order. Speaking of period drama...today a kid was telling me that Monster and Rockstar stopped working for them so they moved on to Bang and Reign and I was all, "The show on CW?" and they replied, "Worst show CW has ever made." First of all, I was surprised they knew what I was talking about. Second of all, WHAT?! I'll admit it was cheesy and ridiculous but it's for teenagers. It's supposed to be filled with angst and misunderstandings and hyperactive egos.
Every once in a while it makes me wish for a someone but those moments are fleeting and I remember that being happy as a solo entity is what it's all about. I do enough caring for...well, pretty much everyone as it is. Having a significant other would mean time is being taken away from someone and, if I were a betting (wo)man, I'd say the person it would take the most away from would be me because I would agonize over whether or not everyone I cared about was being loved and valued as best as I could.
That's the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night: if others can feel and fully understand the love I have for, or try to show, them. It doesn't have to be returned; love isn't about equity. It does make me think of the King George himself..."it's only love if you're loved in return..." but I respectfully disagree, George. Sometimes you have to love someone who can't or won't love themselves.
And that's a LOT of people in my life these days.
Aubs
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Function of dubs
Because I spend an insane amount of time on the internet these days I find all sorts of things I never knew I needed...you know, until now.
I've already decided my next color/fragrance combo will be pink/cherry blossom. It's set up for new shampoo to come every three months and I can adjust as needed. I washed my hair with it last night and let it air dry. My hair feels super soft/smooth and the fragrance is not so much that it's overwhelming. When I woke up this morning my hair was not the freaking train wreck that it normally is and that was also impressive.
But, for real, I do need to get some new pots and pans so if you've got a "go-to" that you love send me a link.
Anyway, I've been seeing custom shampoo adds for the longest time (just started singing Billy Joel...keeping it real) and the thing that I love about the apple cider vinegar shampoo that I use is that it doesn't make my hair look/feel greasy and I can go at least two days between washes. What I don't love about it is how it makes my hair feel when I'm rinsing, like it's slimy and not clean. Regular shampoos dry out my hair and since it's been easily 6 months since I've had a haircut (maybe longer) my hair doesn't need any help in the dry/damaged department.
So I ordered some shampoo from a company called Function of Beauty. I actually researched this company as well as another company, Prose, but ultimately decided that this was the better deal. I took a hair quiz and chose the things that were most important to me (shine, heat protection, etc.) and then I got to choose my fragrance/fragrance level (Options were limited but I went with some type of peach and medium fragrance level) and then I got to pick my color. I picked purple but it was hard to choose. You know you're scraping the bottom of the "life" barrel when you get excited to pick your shampoo/conditioner color.
I've already decided my next color/fragrance combo will be pink/cherry blossom. It's set up for new shampoo to come every three months and I can adjust as needed. I washed my hair with it last night and let it air dry. My hair feels super soft/smooth and the fragrance is not so much that it's overwhelming. When I woke up this morning my hair was not the freaking train wreck that it normally is and that was also impressive.
I did a Zoom with some students to discuss the essay that I assigned them. We went over the entire document and, no lie, I kept turning my head so I could smell my hair. They're used to me being weird by now. It's fine. Anyway, now I'm working on reading their DBQs in an attempt to give them some feedback before we go into the real thing in a few weeks. It's not pretty.
I've also got to get my butt in gear and finish packing but I really don't want to. What I WANT to do is...I don't even know. Maybe I'll listen to some Arctic Monkeys while I figure it out.
Aubs
Monday, April 27, 2020
It's Monday
Pretty much the only reason I even know it's Monday is because my administrator sends a "Monday Morning Message" going over the things we need to be looking out for in the coming week. Maybe it's a training or a meeting or just something from a book she read. I have come to rely on those messages to confirm that it is, in fact, the beginning of a new week.
Either that or I use the Snapchat filters. It's honestly 50/50.
Yesterday I had a (much needed) lazy day. I woke up at 8:00 and then slept fitfully until about 12:30 because. Church bells. I live near a Catholic church and I have never noticed how much the bells ring on the weekends. It never bothered me until I forgot what the difference between night and day was, not to mention the differences between asleep and awake. I basically stayed in bed all day and watched "The Mandalorian." I'm still not entirely sure what the point was but it was pretty good (yes, I'm a nerd...it's part of my charm) and baby Yoda was adorable.
I also got clearance for the classes I want to take over the summer for my 2nd masters degree! I FINALLY made time to call my advisor, the dean of the program I got into for the summer semester, and he really did a great job explaining what my options were and also helping me to choose the correct track for me. I'm doing a non-thesis master's because...duh...but this allows me a lot more flexibility since my end game is teaching at the college level. I was torn between two "tracks" because I felt both had such a huge draw for me as both a U.S. and World history teacher. Should I go with "Exchanges and Encounters" that allows me to kind of explore how and why people, things, and cultures ended up where they are? Or should I choose "War and Violence" that allows me to explore how there are some civilizations I've never even heard of because they were decimated in one battle by one of the powerhouses of ancient history?
It was a seriously tough choice. I polled pretty much EVERYONE. My advisor explained, though, that the War & Violence is the most popular (duh...no, really, he said "duh") but that it might be the best choice for me simply because I was teaching both content areas and these courses were taught by a solid mix of U.S. and World professors. SOLD, Dr. Jordan!
After that, I spent a little bit of time with my kid, who came over to pick up a package and work on his truck a little bit, and then I spent a LONG time on a Zoom call helping a kid with an essay prompt. During that zoom call I was introduced to the Arctic Monkeys and I liked them a lot. The kid also asked me if I'd ever heard of Coldplay. Bless. What am I? 80?
Nevermind. Don't answer that.
Aubs
Either that or I use the Snapchat filters. It's honestly 50/50.
Yesterday I had a (much needed) lazy day. I woke up at 8:00 and then slept fitfully until about 12:30 because. Church bells. I live near a Catholic church and I have never noticed how much the bells ring on the weekends. It never bothered me until I forgot what the difference between night and day was, not to mention the differences between asleep and awake. I basically stayed in bed all day and watched "The Mandalorian." I'm still not entirely sure what the point was but it was pretty good (yes, I'm a nerd...it's part of my charm) and baby Yoda was adorable.
I also got clearance for the classes I want to take over the summer for my 2nd masters degree! I FINALLY made time to call my advisor, the dean of the program I got into for the summer semester, and he really did a great job explaining what my options were and also helping me to choose the correct track for me. I'm doing a non-thesis master's because...duh...but this allows me a lot more flexibility since my end game is teaching at the college level. I was torn between two "tracks" because I felt both had such a huge draw for me as both a U.S. and World history teacher. Should I go with "Exchanges and Encounters" that allows me to kind of explore how and why people, things, and cultures ended up where they are? Or should I choose "War and Violence" that allows me to explore how there are some civilizations I've never even heard of because they were decimated in one battle by one of the powerhouses of ancient history?
It was a seriously tough choice. I polled pretty much EVERYONE. My advisor explained, though, that the War & Violence is the most popular (duh...no, really, he said "duh") but that it might be the best choice for me simply because I was teaching both content areas and these courses were taught by a solid mix of U.S. and World professors. SOLD, Dr. Jordan!
After that, I spent a little bit of time with my kid, who came over to pick up a package and work on his truck a little bit, and then I spent a LONG time on a Zoom call helping a kid with an essay prompt. During that zoom call I was introduced to the Arctic Monkeys and I liked them a lot. The kid also asked me if I'd ever heard of Coldplay. Bless. What am I? 80?
Nevermind. Don't answer that.
Aubs
Saturday, April 25, 2020
Treasure Hunt (this is a deceptive title)
Toady I was on a treasure hunt...for toilet paper. My mom mentioned that she was running low and I am also FINALLY getting low from buying mid-March (the one plus to being the only person in my household at the moment) so I made that my mission today. I figured, if I went out early-ish, then I might find some somewhere but knew that I would have to go to at least two stores because every store has a "1 package per person/transaction" limit. That's cool...I like to drive aimlessly and it was nice to be out of my condo instead of staring at a screen. I liked it so much I decided that I was out on my afternoon Zoom meeting. One of my co-workers emailed about the meeting (I usually run them on T/Th/F) and I said I was out because I was on toilet paper duty. This co-worker felt the need to announce that to everyone who was supposed to be in our meeting today so that annoyed the ever-loving shit out of me.
Happy Friday!
I managed to find some at the first store I went to (totally didn't see that one coming) but then I ran a couple of side errands and when I went to the other local chain there was nothing in that aisle. This is not uncommon.
This may seem like I'm channeling a particularly curmudgeon-y old man from a Disney-Pixar collaboration but honestly...what the hell is up with people hoarding toilet paper? What's crazy to me is...well, wait for it.
So I go further south and check a couple more stores...no luck. But I'm pretty close to my campus by this point and I know there's a Kroger not far so I go check it out and there is a TON. It's interesting to me because households in that area are usually much larger than those in the town where I live, and yet, there was plenty in stock. If I'm being honest, it was much more stocked than the grocery stores in my town. And that baffles me because that seems backwards. Is it because Kroger is expensive? Is it because I caught it on a good restocking day/time? Or is it because the affluent people in my town keep buying it up so they won't ever run out, not considering that a person who actually NEEDS some has to drive 20 minutes away and visit 5 stores to acquire what she needs? I actually want to know.
I can't wait to move. There, I said it. I finally owned up to it. I became slightly disenchanted a couple of years ago and it has gone steadily downhill. This school year, by the time my current campus geared up to play against my "hometown," I was so over where I lived that I secretly hoped a miracle would occur and my school would win. I didn't share this sentiment with anyone. In fact, I continued to talk just as much trash, if not more, because otherwise they'd know something was up...but I so desperately wanted them to win. Whether they will ever realize it or not I was their secret champion that night and I continue to be on their side, cheering them on in all that they do, whether they every figure it out or they remain blissfully clueless.
My sister posted on social media that NBC Sports Network was going to air some the gymnastics portions of several of the more recent summer Olympics and those are our JAM. When we were kids we used to go to college gymnastics meets in Oklahoma when Shannon Miller was the paradigm of gymnast. I missed Atlanta and I'm super bummed. I caught the last bit of Athens and we're wrapping Beijing right now, which was also pretty great. Wasn't there a scandal about underage gymnasts that year? I don't even remember but I'm pretty sure that's accurate. Gymnastics is my favorite. I also love watching the swimming and the diving. I hold my breath for every single race and I can't help it. I tear up every single time I hear the National Anthem as an American Olympian stands on top of the podium. I can't help it. I've already seen these and I'm still a huge ball of soggy tears. I've been watching "The Last Dance" on ESPN and it reminded me how much I loved the Dream Team of men's basketball back then, too.
Things in the 90s were so much simpler and it was so much easier to be present. Technology is amazing but it gets in the way of so many potential memories because we.are.obsessed. It has been immensely helpful, especially when it comes to keeping in touch with my students, some of whom have gone MIA. They are (hopefully) starting to realize that I really do care and that I will actually check up on them...probably. If they haven't they will soon.
Meanwhile, I'm staying in touch with a few of my kids from last year. There are three that really stay in regular communication. One of them switched into my class at semester and the other two were not at all fans of me at the beginning of the year. It seems to be an ongoing trend.
I can't wait to see what happens next year.
Aubs
Happy Friday!
I managed to find some at the first store I went to (totally didn't see that one coming) but then I ran a couple of side errands and when I went to the other local chain there was nothing in that aisle. This is not uncommon.
This may seem like I'm channeling a particularly curmudgeon-y old man from a Disney-Pixar collaboration but honestly...what the hell is up with people hoarding toilet paper? What's crazy to me is...well, wait for it.
So I go further south and check a couple more stores...no luck. But I'm pretty close to my campus by this point and I know there's a Kroger not far so I go check it out and there is a TON. It's interesting to me because households in that area are usually much larger than those in the town where I live, and yet, there was plenty in stock. If I'm being honest, it was much more stocked than the grocery stores in my town. And that baffles me because that seems backwards. Is it because Kroger is expensive? Is it because I caught it on a good restocking day/time? Or is it because the affluent people in my town keep buying it up so they won't ever run out, not considering that a person who actually NEEDS some has to drive 20 minutes away and visit 5 stores to acquire what she needs? I actually want to know.
I can't wait to move. There, I said it. I finally owned up to it. I became slightly disenchanted a couple of years ago and it has gone steadily downhill. This school year, by the time my current campus geared up to play against my "hometown," I was so over where I lived that I secretly hoped a miracle would occur and my school would win. I didn't share this sentiment with anyone. In fact, I continued to talk just as much trash, if not more, because otherwise they'd know something was up...but I so desperately wanted them to win. Whether they will ever realize it or not I was their secret champion that night and I continue to be on their side, cheering them on in all that they do, whether they every figure it out or they remain blissfully clueless.
My sister posted on social media that NBC Sports Network was going to air some the gymnastics portions of several of the more recent summer Olympics and those are our JAM. When we were kids we used to go to college gymnastics meets in Oklahoma when Shannon Miller was the paradigm of gymnast. I missed Atlanta and I'm super bummed. I caught the last bit of Athens and we're wrapping Beijing right now, which was also pretty great. Wasn't there a scandal about underage gymnasts that year? I don't even remember but I'm pretty sure that's accurate. Gymnastics is my favorite. I also love watching the swimming and the diving. I hold my breath for every single race and I can't help it. I tear up every single time I hear the National Anthem as an American Olympian stands on top of the podium. I can't help it. I've already seen these and I'm still a huge ball of soggy tears. I've been watching "The Last Dance" on ESPN and it reminded me how much I loved the Dream Team of men's basketball back then, too.
Things in the 90s were so much simpler and it was so much easier to be present. Technology is amazing but it gets in the way of so many potential memories because we.are.obsessed. It has been immensely helpful, especially when it comes to keeping in touch with my students, some of whom have gone MIA. They are (hopefully) starting to realize that I really do care and that I will actually check up on them...probably. If they haven't they will soon.
Meanwhile, I'm staying in touch with a few of my kids from last year. There are three that really stay in regular communication. One of them switched into my class at semester and the other two were not at all fans of me at the beginning of the year. It seems to be an ongoing trend.
I can't wait to see what happens next year.
Aubs
Thursday, April 23, 2020
A second career in cosmetology? Nahhhh.
It's been MONTHS since I've done anything to my hair. I dyed it dark in October for my mom's cancerversary and haven't done anything to it since. It's obviously been growing out but it's not super noticeable in fluorescent lighting so I didn't bother doing anything about it since half of my lights are off in my classroom on a regular basis. I use(d) Christmas lights for additional light because my room becomes a furnace when the heat kicks on so I use the Christmas lights for ambiance but also to keep the room from getting hot(ter). ANYWAY, the point is you can't tell my hair is striped in that environment.
But being at home 24/7 and in natural light it is scary. I have a line of demarcation around my head like a jacked up halo. Funny story: the first day of the spring break that hasn't ended I made a to do list and at the top of the list, under "Be awesome," is "Call for hair appointment.
Insert maniacal laughter here. Needless to say that hasn't happened and I couldn't continue with the way that it was so I did a thing. I ordered dye from Madison Reed. No. Not Ashley Madison (the "dating" website), Madison Reed...a super reputable and upscale-ish at home color company. Apparently they have color bars across the United States but it doesn't matter because they're all closed and that does me no good. Besides I'd never cheat on the guy who does my hair. He's wonderful!
Anyway. Remember how the post office lost my package when they prematurely forwarded it and then it reappeared? Well, I got the notification that my package had been received but apparently they still shipped the second box to me so I'm not sure what's going to happen there (I will try to return it because I'm honest) but today, after my Zoom meeting, I decided to just do it.
I was terrified. It's not really any lighter (maybe just a little bit) which is fine because I wasn't really trying to lighten it but it IS even now. I feel super accomplished, too. It's just hair dye...whatever...but I did it! If teaching doesn't work out it's always good to have a backup plan.
After I did my hair I went to check on my mom (today was chemo day) then came home to do a FaceTime tour, and then I went on some driveway visits. I wound up seeing SEVEN of them tonight (I'm up to 10 now...11 if you count that I've seen one of them twice) and I was overwhelmed by how happy they were to see me and how surprised they were when I told them it's been over a month since we've seen each other. All but one of them had no idea I was coming so watching their faces when they saw who was at the door was so much fun!
Not only were they thrilled to see me but their parents! Their parents were straight up surprised that I would take the time to come over. They tried to feed me and hydrate me. They insisted that I sit down, come inside, take a tour...it was so sweet! One of my girls had a little brother who picked a flower and gave it to me and then tried to hand me a baby chick...NOTHANKYOUVERYMUCH. His sister was dying laughing because she knows I hate birds of any kind.
Another kid HAD to play his guitar for me and I got to explain this week's assignment IN PERSON while his brother said, "Wait. You're in AP?! What?" and the kid said, "I know...sometimes I forget, too."
Yet another (the one I'd already seen once) literally came outside, got the thing I was dropping off, grabbed his backpack out of his truck, and went back inside after saying, like, 5 words. A little while later I get a message, "OMG I NEVER SAID THANKS. Thank you for the k cup. Damn." So that was a good time.
My last visit was a kid that asks so many questions in class...and very rarely do they have ANYTHING to do with what I'm teaching, so I started giving him a post-it note at the beginning of class so he could write down any questions that he might have. I answer them at the end of class. I actually miss that. It was super fun to talk to him and his parents. He proudly brought me a picture of himself as a little kid and announced that he looked GOOOOOD.
Each visit, each bright smile, each face where you can literally see the realization that I absolutely care dawn on their faces...it's so worth it. They're worth it. But the most heartbreaking part is that not all of them THINK they are worth it.
I can't wait to see who I get to see tomorrow! :)
Aubs
But being at home 24/7 and in natural light it is scary. I have a line of demarcation around my head like a jacked up halo. Funny story: the first day of the spring break that hasn't ended I made a to do list and at the top of the list, under "Be awesome," is "Call for hair appointment.
Insert maniacal laughter here. Needless to say that hasn't happened and I couldn't continue with the way that it was so I did a thing. I ordered dye from Madison Reed. No. Not Ashley Madison (the "dating" website), Madison Reed...a super reputable and upscale-ish at home color company. Apparently they have color bars across the United States but it doesn't matter because they're all closed and that does me no good. Besides I'd never cheat on the guy who does my hair. He's wonderful!
Anyway. Remember how the post office lost my package when they prematurely forwarded it and then it reappeared? Well, I got the notification that my package had been received but apparently they still shipped the second box to me so I'm not sure what's going to happen there (I will try to return it because I'm honest) but today, after my Zoom meeting, I decided to just do it.
I was terrified. It's not really any lighter (maybe just a little bit) which is fine because I wasn't really trying to lighten it but it IS even now. I feel super accomplished, too. It's just hair dye...whatever...but I did it! If teaching doesn't work out it's always good to have a backup plan.
After I did my hair I went to check on my mom (today was chemo day) then came home to do a FaceTime tour, and then I went on some driveway visits. I wound up seeing SEVEN of them tonight (I'm up to 10 now...11 if you count that I've seen one of them twice) and I was overwhelmed by how happy they were to see me and how surprised they were when I told them it's been over a month since we've seen each other. All but one of them had no idea I was coming so watching their faces when they saw who was at the door was so much fun!
Not only were they thrilled to see me but their parents! Their parents were straight up surprised that I would take the time to come over. They tried to feed me and hydrate me. They insisted that I sit down, come inside, take a tour...it was so sweet! One of my girls had a little brother who picked a flower and gave it to me and then tried to hand me a baby chick...NOTHANKYOUVERYMUCH. His sister was dying laughing because she knows I hate birds of any kind.
Another kid HAD to play his guitar for me and I got to explain this week's assignment IN PERSON while his brother said, "Wait. You're in AP?! What?" and the kid said, "I know...sometimes I forget, too."
Yet another (the one I'd already seen once) literally came outside, got the thing I was dropping off, grabbed his backpack out of his truck, and went back inside after saying, like, 5 words. A little while later I get a message, "OMG I NEVER SAID THANKS. Thank you for the k cup. Damn." So that was a good time.
My last visit was a kid that asks so many questions in class...and very rarely do they have ANYTHING to do with what I'm teaching, so I started giving him a post-it note at the beginning of class so he could write down any questions that he might have. I answer them at the end of class. I actually miss that. It was super fun to talk to him and his parents. He proudly brought me a picture of himself as a little kid and announced that he looked GOOOOOD.
Each visit, each bright smile, each face where you can literally see the realization that I absolutely care dawn on their faces...it's so worth it. They're worth it. But the most heartbreaking part is that not all of them THINK they are worth it.
I can't wait to see who I get to see tomorrow! :)
Aubs
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
Miserable.
When I went to bed last night and I couldn't get comfortable and I was just...hot...I knew it was going to be a hell of a day today (all puns intended). This happens sometimes, usually when I don't consume caffeine and I'm going on day 2 of no caffeine. Someone asked me "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" and I honestly have no idea. Perhaps that's why I've been in a state of "meh" these days.
Caffeine brings me joy. I own it.
As a side note, I don't know what Jenny from the United States Postal Service did but my VIP (very important package...of hair dye) was delivered this afternoon. This was, of course, after I spoke with the company and they reshipped my order, for free, with expedited shipping. Hopefully they got the notification early enough to stop it from shipping. I'm going to attempt this great feat tomorrow. What could possibly go wrong?!
I was so not in the mood to people today. In fact, I contemplated skipping my daily Zoom call with my co-workers because I just wasn't feeling it but then I wound up doing it anyway. #REGRETS. I had a Zoom session with a few of my kids about an assignment right after that so, by the time I was done...I was really done. It reminded me of a song, by Lit I think, called "Miserable." Its lyrics are rockin' and I'm going to have to add it to my rotation: "You make me complete. You make me completely miserable."
So I decided to watch a pilot of a show called "Council of Dads" which, if you haven't seen it...DO NOT DO IT unless you want to ugly cry and legitimately lose all ability to control your emotions over a television show. Needless to say I can't wait for the next episode. Apparently it's based on a book so that's on my "must order" list. Glutton for emotional outbursts and all that, I suppose.
I have been in just an over all funk for the past couple of days and that's something I try to be transparent about because I tell people all the time, especially now, it's okay to be not okay. It's okay to have bad days. It's okay to be pissed at the world or to want to curl up in a ball and cry...as long as you don't stay that way. Take a day (or a few) and then get back out there. Enjoy the sunshine. Rock out to your favorite songs. Make a new playlist and surprise yourself. Make a new recipe. Write a note or a text or an email to someone who matters to you.
There are so many mini-mood boosters that do so much with such minimal effort. For me the turnaround was a text that I wasn't expecting. Did it "fix" me? Absolutely not. But it did make me realize that the only person who's going to get me out of this state of blah is myself. In another conversation I was talking with someone about money and its correlation to happiness. The other party was saying that money can, in fact, lead to happiness and I was countering with the point that if you're miserable before you have money it doesn't change the fact that you're still unhappy...you just have the ability to buy more stuff...which doesn't make you any happier in the long run.
I love conversations that inspire and challenge and make you think and love them even more when they come from the most unexpected sources.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring but I do know it will bring coffee...come hell or high water.
Aubs
Caffeine brings me joy. I own it.
As a side note, I don't know what Jenny from the United States Postal Service did but my VIP (very important package...of hair dye) was delivered this afternoon. This was, of course, after I spoke with the company and they reshipped my order, for free, with expedited shipping. Hopefully they got the notification early enough to stop it from shipping. I'm going to attempt this great feat tomorrow. What could possibly go wrong?!
I was so not in the mood to people today. In fact, I contemplated skipping my daily Zoom call with my co-workers because I just wasn't feeling it but then I wound up doing it anyway. #REGRETS. I had a Zoom session with a few of my kids about an assignment right after that so, by the time I was done...I was really done. It reminded me of a song, by Lit I think, called "Miserable." Its lyrics are rockin' and I'm going to have to add it to my rotation: "You make me complete. You make me completely miserable."
So I decided to watch a pilot of a show called "Council of Dads" which, if you haven't seen it...DO NOT DO IT unless you want to ugly cry and legitimately lose all ability to control your emotions over a television show. Needless to say I can't wait for the next episode. Apparently it's based on a book so that's on my "must order" list. Glutton for emotional outbursts and all that, I suppose.
I have been in just an over all funk for the past couple of days and that's something I try to be transparent about because I tell people all the time, especially now, it's okay to be not okay. It's okay to have bad days. It's okay to be pissed at the world or to want to curl up in a ball and cry...as long as you don't stay that way. Take a day (or a few) and then get back out there. Enjoy the sunshine. Rock out to your favorite songs. Make a new playlist and surprise yourself. Make a new recipe. Write a note or a text or an email to someone who matters to you.
There are so many mini-mood boosters that do so much with such minimal effort. For me the turnaround was a text that I wasn't expecting. Did it "fix" me? Absolutely not. But it did make me realize that the only person who's going to get me out of this state of blah is myself. In another conversation I was talking with someone about money and its correlation to happiness. The other party was saying that money can, in fact, lead to happiness and I was countering with the point that if you're miserable before you have money it doesn't change the fact that you're still unhappy...you just have the ability to buy more stuff...which doesn't make you any happier in the long run.
I love conversations that inspire and challenge and make you think and love them even more when they come from the most unexpected sources.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring but I do know it will bring coffee...come hell or high water.
Aubs
Tuesday, April 21, 2020
Going Postal
Although the title of this particular post might lead you to believe that I have, in fact, finally lost it and gone insane ("postal"), I am terrified to report that it hasn't happened.
Yet.
No, no, this post is solely dedicated to the United States Postal Service. You see, what had happened was, I tried to be proactive a couple of weeks ago. I had a long "to do" list of things and one of the things was change of address forms. Since my oldest son is already living in a new location I went ahead and set up his mail to forward effective last week. In a totally different "transaction" I set up my own mail to forward in early May.
Then I ordered some items and anxiously began checking the mailbox for them to arrive (read: hair dye...I'm giving it a try...what could possibly go wrong besides...everything?) only to find that the only thing that arrived in the mailbox was a green VACANCY card. Um, excuse me? NO! Where is my hair dye?! I angrily scribbled a (very nice, polite, and informative) note to the mail carrier that MY mail needs to continue to be delivered to this address until the date on my form in May. I also added, "Can you PLEASE find my package from Madison Reed? It's of the utmost importance." and a smiley face.
It's a wonder it hasn't shown up yet. A SMILEY FACE. Anyway, when there was actual mail in my mailbox yesterday, albeit none of it addressed to me, I had hope. The green card was gone and there was mail. Progress! Today there was a card from my Seester, just because (those are the best!), and a key to a parcel box. YES! My hair dye!
No. Not my hair dye. So I do what any normal human being would do...I put on my swimsuit and I go sit in the sun. I mean, if I'm going to sit on hold with USPS for hours on end I may as well get some sun, right? Tan fat is less displeasing than white fat. Right?
So, I'm listening to the advertisement loop where they're talking about how easy and fool-proof it is to set up mail forwarding and change of address and THE IRONY. When someone finally answers I quickly learn it is not someone from my local branch (the number I called) but someone elsewhere...maybe in Dallas, who knows? I explain the situation to the woman named Jenny and she looks up the tracking number and sees my name and verifies the address on the package. When I explain that I never received it she said, "Yes, it was forwarded to your new address." I counted to three and explained (for the 10th time) that I don't take ownership of that residence until early May. And then she said the best sentence of the day: "Yes, I see that on your address form but why would they do that?"
I. DON'T. KNOW. JENNY. That's why I'm calling you! Jenny was awesome, though. She called my current post office and said, "Deliver her mail!" and she called my new post office and said, 'If you find her package it's super important and she'll come pick it up!" and then she called me back to tell me what she did. It was impressive. Not as impressive as my package being delivered on April 17 like it was supposed to but I'll take a small victory.
Also this morning I got another call from someone I had been waiting to hear from. They apologized for taking so long to get back to me (complete stranger but honestly...do I know a stranger? Nope) and after we chatted for a little while she said, "You are just so pleasant to talk to! I wish everyone I contacted was as cheerful and kind as you are." She couldn't see my hair flip, nor does she know that's my thing, but I did it just the same. I told her I was going to tell my kids, biological and otherwise, what she said and she laughed and laughed. Then she said her kids were 5 and 3, both boys, and I laughed and laughed. What a ride she's in for in the next 10 years. Oof.
In an attempt to be semi-productive today (because I didn't want to do a damn thing), I started organizing my stuff for APUSH. I don't really foresee my kids using a bunch of it but I wanted to clean it up and organize it for future years. ***and then I disappeared for an hour to register for my APSI because I'm past the deadline...oops***
Aubs
Yet.
No, no, this post is solely dedicated to the United States Postal Service. You see, what had happened was, I tried to be proactive a couple of weeks ago. I had a long "to do" list of things and one of the things was change of address forms. Since my oldest son is already living in a new location I went ahead and set up his mail to forward effective last week. In a totally different "transaction" I set up my own mail to forward in early May.
Then I ordered some items and anxiously began checking the mailbox for them to arrive (read: hair dye...I'm giving it a try...what could possibly go wrong besides...everything?) only to find that the only thing that arrived in the mailbox was a green VACANCY card. Um, excuse me? NO! Where is my hair dye?! I angrily scribbled a (very nice, polite, and informative) note to the mail carrier that MY mail needs to continue to be delivered to this address until the date on my form in May. I also added, "Can you PLEASE find my package from Madison Reed? It's of the utmost importance." and a smiley face.
It's a wonder it hasn't shown up yet. A SMILEY FACE. Anyway, when there was actual mail in my mailbox yesterday, albeit none of it addressed to me, I had hope. The green card was gone and there was mail. Progress! Today there was a card from my Seester, just because (those are the best!), and a key to a parcel box. YES! My hair dye!
No. Not my hair dye. So I do what any normal human being would do...I put on my swimsuit and I go sit in the sun. I mean, if I'm going to sit on hold with USPS for hours on end I may as well get some sun, right? Tan fat is less displeasing than white fat. Right?
So, I'm listening to the advertisement loop where they're talking about how easy and fool-proof it is to set up mail forwarding and change of address and THE IRONY. When someone finally answers I quickly learn it is not someone from my local branch (the number I called) but someone elsewhere...maybe in Dallas, who knows? I explain the situation to the woman named Jenny and she looks up the tracking number and sees my name and verifies the address on the package. When I explain that I never received it she said, "Yes, it was forwarded to your new address." I counted to three and explained (for the 10th time) that I don't take ownership of that residence until early May. And then she said the best sentence of the day: "Yes, I see that on your address form but why would they do that?"
I. DON'T. KNOW. JENNY. That's why I'm calling you! Jenny was awesome, though. She called my current post office and said, "Deliver her mail!" and she called my new post office and said, 'If you find her package it's super important and she'll come pick it up!" and then she called me back to tell me what she did. It was impressive. Not as impressive as my package being delivered on April 17 like it was supposed to but I'll take a small victory.
Also this morning I got another call from someone I had been waiting to hear from. They apologized for taking so long to get back to me (complete stranger but honestly...do I know a stranger? Nope) and after we chatted for a little while she said, "You are just so pleasant to talk to! I wish everyone I contacted was as cheerful and kind as you are." She couldn't see my hair flip, nor does she know that's my thing, but I did it just the same. I told her I was going to tell my kids, biological and otherwise, what she said and she laughed and laughed. Then she said her kids were 5 and 3, both boys, and I laughed and laughed. What a ride she's in for in the next 10 years. Oof.
In an attempt to be semi-productive today (because I didn't want to do a damn thing), I started organizing my stuff for APUSH. I don't really foresee my kids using a bunch of it but I wanted to clean it up and organize it for future years. ***and then I disappeared for an hour to register for my APSI because I'm past the deadline...oops***
Aubs
Sunday, April 19, 2020
Healing Hearts
After only a few hours of sleep I realized I was going to need to be out of the house for most of the afternoon for various showings and stuff.
My bright idea was to go to the city where I teach and do some driveway visits. It's been a month since we've actually seen each other and I was hoping some of them were missing me as much as I was missing them...
But then a funny thing happened. Instead of turning right, I turned left. I found myself on the doorstep of two of my most precious kids from last year. While they were clearly not fans of me at the beginning of the year we became incredibly close by the end and we've met for lunches and dinners and performances and...just because...more times than I can count. One of them has been having a rough year and, after talking with him on multiple occasions, I knew that's where I needed to go. Their mom and I have spoken dozens of times on the phone and via text/social media but when she answered the door it took a minute for her to realize who I was and then there were so many hugs!
Over her shoulder one of the boys made eye contact and his hands flew to his mouth in surprise and I keep replaying that in my mind because it was PRICELESS. He met me at the door and hugged me while his brother looked on in disbelief. By the time I got to him, he was crying and I was doing my best to hold it together (I did...barely) and then I promptly grabbed his hand, dragged him outside, and sat next to him on the porch while we talked for 3 hours.
It was where I needed to be. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. Those boys are two of the greatest joys that came out of where I taught last year and the relationships that were built as a result of that last-minute position are things that I treasure so dearly. He said it was just what he needed but I'm here to tell you...he wasn't the only one who needed it.
My weekend was a serious beatdown and he was one of the high points. It was so stressful for reasons I can't really articulate other than, when any of my "kids" are hurting I feel that hurt. I feel it and I can't not think about it.
After swinging by my mom's to drop off some dinner I went home to do a FaceTime tour of my condo for a couple who wanted to see what the inside looked like. I'm not sure how serious they were so I was kind of annoyed but, whatever...not my problem. After that was over I felt unsettled so I got in the car to just drive a little. I drove past my campus and snapped a picture to send to the kids along with an "I miss you!" message and then went to get gas where I ran into a student who works at the gas station. I thought it was her but wasn't sure until she tried to jump off of whatever she was standing on, cleaning, and I said, "DON'T DIE! I'LL WAIT!" Seeing her was also what I needed so I sent another a message and said, "I'll be in your driveway in 5 minutes." Her reply was "OMG, no way" so I spent almost an hour in the driveway talking to her and her brother.
On Sunday I continued the trend of showing the condo (to potential renters) and then driving around while it was being shown by realtors (to potential buyers). One of my other girls sent me a picture of her nephew and I asked if she was at her sister's. She said, "Yes!" so a little while later I said, "Me, too." and sent her a picture of the facade of the house. She flew out the door and I spent an hour talking to her about school and work and family and all sorts of stuff. When I was getting ready to leave she said, "Dubs, I needed this." and I knew exactly what she meant because...me, too.
I reached out to one of my newer students that I got at semester because he also lived nearby. I talk to him regularly, just like the girl I had just visited, so I told him I wouldn't come check on him if he didn't want me to but, surprisingly, he responded with, "I wouldn't mind if you did." so I did! We talked about school and grades and caffeine/coffee and I met his father (literally the last thing he wanted...added bonus for me) and my heart was so full. Even though we've known each other for a short time and we give each other a lot of grief it's because we instantly clicked from the moment he walked in my class and declared that I was psychotic. He later told me he knew he was going to love it as soon as he walked in which is totally reciprocated.
I have a growing list of students I want to driveway visit. I've felt like I wanted to do this for a long time but the main reason I acted on it was because one of my girls sent me a message on Saturday morning that said, "Saw this on Instagram and it reminded me of you 💜 you have a life of your own and problems of your own yet you still manage to help us all through ours and you find a way to make us all feel worth it. Just wanted to give you a big THANK YOU for being you 💜 you are amazing and I really appreciate everything you do for all your students. Love you man 😀" It accompanied a picture of a teacher sitting on a driveway 6 feet away from a little girl, reading her a story, because she had a hard time during the Zoom session and was upset because she missed her teacher.
And maybe it's taken a pandemic for them to understand but the themes of many of the messages in the last week or so have been love, gratitude, respect, and calling me a second mom. It is my job to teach them content but it is my privilege to teach them love, kindness, and acceptance. Those lessons are so much more valuable than the state requirements, especially when I see them spreading those lessons like confetti.
Aubs
Over her shoulder one of the boys made eye contact and his hands flew to his mouth in surprise and I keep replaying that in my mind because it was PRICELESS. He met me at the door and hugged me while his brother looked on in disbelief. By the time I got to him, he was crying and I was doing my best to hold it together (I did...barely) and then I promptly grabbed his hand, dragged him outside, and sat next to him on the porch while we talked for 3 hours.
It was where I needed to be. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. Those boys are two of the greatest joys that came out of where I taught last year and the relationships that were built as a result of that last-minute position are things that I treasure so dearly. He said it was just what he needed but I'm here to tell you...he wasn't the only one who needed it.
My weekend was a serious beatdown and he was one of the high points. It was so stressful for reasons I can't really articulate other than, when any of my "kids" are hurting I feel that hurt. I feel it and I can't not think about it.
After swinging by my mom's to drop off some dinner I went home to do a FaceTime tour of my condo for a couple who wanted to see what the inside looked like. I'm not sure how serious they were so I was kind of annoyed but, whatever...not my problem. After that was over I felt unsettled so I got in the car to just drive a little. I drove past my campus and snapped a picture to send to the kids along with an "I miss you!" message and then went to get gas where I ran into a student who works at the gas station. I thought it was her but wasn't sure until she tried to jump off of whatever she was standing on, cleaning, and I said, "DON'T DIE! I'LL WAIT!" Seeing her was also what I needed so I sent another a message and said, "I'll be in your driveway in 5 minutes." Her reply was "OMG, no way" so I spent almost an hour in the driveway talking to her and her brother.
On Sunday I continued the trend of showing the condo (to potential renters) and then driving around while it was being shown by realtors (to potential buyers). One of my other girls sent me a picture of her nephew and I asked if she was at her sister's. She said, "Yes!" so a little while later I said, "Me, too." and sent her a picture of the facade of the house. She flew out the door and I spent an hour talking to her about school and work and family and all sorts of stuff. When I was getting ready to leave she said, "Dubs, I needed this." and I knew exactly what she meant because...me, too.
I reached out to one of my newer students that I got at semester because he also lived nearby. I talk to him regularly, just like the girl I had just visited, so I told him I wouldn't come check on him if he didn't want me to but, surprisingly, he responded with, "I wouldn't mind if you did." so I did! We talked about school and grades and caffeine/coffee and I met his father (literally the last thing he wanted...added bonus for me) and my heart was so full. Even though we've known each other for a short time and we give each other a lot of grief it's because we instantly clicked from the moment he walked in my class and declared that I was psychotic. He later told me he knew he was going to love it as soon as he walked in which is totally reciprocated.
I have a growing list of students I want to driveway visit. I've felt like I wanted to do this for a long time but the main reason I acted on it was because one of my girls sent me a message on Saturday morning that said, "Saw this on Instagram and it reminded me of you 💜 you have a life of your own and problems of your own yet you still manage to help us all through ours and you find a way to make us all feel worth it. Just wanted to give you a big THANK YOU for being you 💜 you are amazing and I really appreciate everything you do for all your students. Love you man 😀" It accompanied a picture of a teacher sitting on a driveway 6 feet away from a little girl, reading her a story, because she had a hard time during the Zoom session and was upset because she missed her teacher.
And maybe it's taken a pandemic for them to understand but the themes of many of the messages in the last week or so have been love, gratitude, respect, and calling me a second mom. It is my job to teach them content but it is my privilege to teach them love, kindness, and acceptance. Those lessons are so much more valuable than the state requirements, especially when I see them spreading those lessons like confetti.
Aubs
Saturday, April 18, 2020
What. A. Week.
As I continually tell ANYONE who will listen, I am a social being. I do not do well with being isolated. I know I am not alone in this because there are plenty of people who willingly disobey the social distancing and shelter in place guidelines in a way that is unsafe. There are also plenty who do their best to push these restrictions to their furthest point, stopping just shy of actually technically breaking them.
Then there are those who are legitimately not leaving their homes/yards at all, not even to go to the store. They may sit outside or garden or water plants (is that the same as gardening? No idea) or check the mail or pick up the newspaper but then they're back in their bubble. Those guys...I have no idea how they do it. Truly. The mere thoughts of never having a change of scenery actually makes me feel a little dead inside but, rule followers? Good on you. You're clearly more dedicated than I am.
I'm having to get out of my house. I drive aimlessly. I go to the store for my mom. I belt out songs in the most passionate and epic car concerts ever. Some of my best work, truly. I think the isolation brings out my inner music artist. And, y'all? She is a hot mess. Brilliant, obviously, but M.E.S.S.
At the end of last week I had a series of days that were pretty rough. Thursday was meltdown city but it wasn't even a full meltdown so I knew another was potentially imminent. Super. Friday I made queso for the one kid who showed up for the Zoom session who's not even in my district (still amazing!) and walked it over to his house. It was a significant day for the family so we sat around and drank a beer to toast someone no longer with us and then I walked home. My sister sent me a text as I was walking that made me concerned that I might not make it home without peeing my pants from laughing so hard but I'm happy to report that I made it.
Since it was kind of cool outside, I went inside to take care of business and then I went back out to enjoy the night: the air, the clear sky, the ability to actually see stars; STARS, not airplanes. I hate being quarantined but man I do love the clear skies at night. It reminds me of camping and so much simpler times. As I was walking around the track, singing along to my playlist and keeping an eye out for bunnies or other "scary" critters one of my students sent me a message about how she was disappointed and needed a pick-me-up. I was juggling a few conversations and mentioned that I was on the track behind my house. It wasn't late...like 9:30 but all of a sudden I had A TON of 16-17-year-old parents. My phone EXPLODED with messages, "9:30 is a little dangerous don't you think?" or "It's not safe to be out that late!" Um, what are we? 80? I thanked my newfound moms and dads and explained I was safe. I even sent pictures/video to show that it was perfectly fine.
And then I sent and "OHMYGOSH! I just saw something!" because I am evil and also easily entertained. When they were all, "OMG, Dubs! Go home! What was it?" I sent a picture of a very scary bunny. I laughed and laughed and it was so good for my soul...but then some more students reached out about less funny problems they were facing and I found myself literally unable to stop walking in circles.
By the time I finally forced myself off the track it was almost 1:00. I couldn't sleep. I was wired, I was worried, and I was worn out but also worked up to where I couldn't calm down, no matter what I did. Hindsight: I wonder if that was a panic attack...no idea. The last time I looked at the clock it was around 5:30 and I was up again at 8:30. In the morning. As in, three hours later.
I guess I was just due for a rough and exhausting week. I'm really hoping I get a pass moving forward.
Aubs
Then there are those who are legitimately not leaving their homes/yards at all, not even to go to the store. They may sit outside or garden or water plants (is that the same as gardening? No idea) or check the mail or pick up the newspaper but then they're back in their bubble. Those guys...I have no idea how they do it. Truly. The mere thoughts of never having a change of scenery actually makes me feel a little dead inside but, rule followers? Good on you. You're clearly more dedicated than I am.
I'm having to get out of my house. I drive aimlessly. I go to the store for my mom. I belt out songs in the most passionate and epic car concerts ever. Some of my best work, truly. I think the isolation brings out my inner music artist. And, y'all? She is a hot mess. Brilliant, obviously, but M.E.S.S.
At the end of last week I had a series of days that were pretty rough. Thursday was meltdown city but it wasn't even a full meltdown so I knew another was potentially imminent. Super. Friday I made queso for the one kid who showed up for the Zoom session who's not even in my district (still amazing!) and walked it over to his house. It was a significant day for the family so we sat around and drank a beer to toast someone no longer with us and then I walked home. My sister sent me a text as I was walking that made me concerned that I might not make it home without peeing my pants from laughing so hard but I'm happy to report that I made it.
Since it was kind of cool outside, I went inside to take care of business and then I went back out to enjoy the night: the air, the clear sky, the ability to actually see stars; STARS, not airplanes. I hate being quarantined but man I do love the clear skies at night. It reminds me of camping and so much simpler times. As I was walking around the track, singing along to my playlist and keeping an eye out for bunnies or other "scary" critters one of my students sent me a message about how she was disappointed and needed a pick-me-up. I was juggling a few conversations and mentioned that I was on the track behind my house. It wasn't late...like 9:30 but all of a sudden I had A TON of 16-17-year-old parents. My phone EXPLODED with messages, "9:30 is a little dangerous don't you think?" or "It's not safe to be out that late!" Um, what are we? 80? I thanked my newfound moms and dads and explained I was safe. I even sent pictures/video to show that it was perfectly fine.
And then I sent and "OHMYGOSH! I just saw something!" because I am evil and also easily entertained. When they were all, "OMG, Dubs! Go home! What was it?" I sent a picture of a very scary bunny. I laughed and laughed and it was so good for my soul...but then some more students reached out about less funny problems they were facing and I found myself literally unable to stop walking in circles.
By the time I finally forced myself off the track it was almost 1:00. I couldn't sleep. I was wired, I was worried, and I was worn out but also worked up to where I couldn't calm down, no matter what I did. Hindsight: I wonder if that was a panic attack...no idea. The last time I looked at the clock it was around 5:30 and I was up again at 8:30. In the morning. As in, three hours later.
I guess I was just due for a rough and exhausting week. I'm really hoping I get a pass moving forward.
Aubs
Thursday, April 16, 2020
Introspection with a side of melancholy
Sometimes you just have those days and I knew I was due for one because it's been a while. By the time I started my first Zoom of the day (where one person logged in for it...and it wasn't even anyone from my district but someone who just wanted to join to "hang out" for a while) I already knew I had a shorter fuse than normal.
By the time I got to my second (and third) meetings of the day I was about to lose my shit over the same phrase that kept getting repeated. I can't even think about it right now because...OH.MY.GOD. The one saving grace was that, between meetings two and three, I made myself go outside and sit in the sun since it's been freakishly cold the last few days. That was a brilliant choice until I went inside to shower and realized I had meeting three in 13 minutes which made me thankful that I was able to attend the meeting without showing my face and slowly drying hair.
My landlord put a potential renter in touch with me so she could see the place (with all necessary precautions, of course) so I reluctantly set up an appointment for 5:30...and at 6:52 she finally texted to say she was busy but she'd just come by tomorrow. Um, no, ma'am. Not my problem. I made arrangements for today and I'm not jumping through any damn hoops. Like I said: short fuse.
By 8:00 I said "screw it" and headed upstairs to go to bed but once I got there I said, "Self, you need to get the eff out of here," so I put on a hoodie and a pair of Nikes and ripped apart the unpacked part of my house looking for a pair of earbuds. I found some Apple earbuds (I hate them; I know, I'm weird. This isn't news) and took off. I just needed to be...not here.
I was gone for an hour and it was like shuffle knew exactly what I needed to hear. It was a ballad kind of night across all the genres that popped up in my "Aubs" playlist with very few skips, which is always a bonus. And as I listened and walked/jogged and spun around as I two-stepped around to a few songs, I felt my mood lift a little bit. Music is such a powerful thing. Anyone who says it isn't hasn't really given musical therapy a try.
But as I let the words, melodies, and memories wash over me something a very wise friend once told me popped into my head. Once upon a time she told me "When you have high highs you have low lows and that's never going to work out. You need to be with someone who's steady and in the middle." and since I'm as single as the day is long I thought about my relationship with myself. My life is full of (self-inflicted) high highs and low lows. Today was a prime example of a bottomed out low...and for what reason? ME.
As I had that epiphany, T-Swift's "Back to December" came on and as I sang along (okay, lie, I belted it like my heart was breaking) I briefly wished I could go back to December and make some different choices. Nothing happened in December, nothing earth-shattering anyway, but how different would life be right now if I made one different decision or set a different goal? I'm never one who wishes they could go back to do anything (realistic anyway...a girl can daydream) but as T-Swift transitioned into Darius Rucker (He'll always be Hootie to me) I was hit with a serious wave of remorse. Remorse for what, I have no idea but I felt every single word of "If I Told You" tonight like it was my freakin' anthem.
I think I just need to fall apart and get it all out but...I'm a bottler. It doesn't work for me to just unload emotion because I only wind up venting words which does help, don't get me wrong, but man. I wish I liked to run. If I could beat the hell out of my body with a depleting run maybe that would help.
I just know that, instead of looking forward to tomorrow being Friday, I really no longer care what day it is. Every single day is the same. There's no differentiation. I feel it. I know my students have been feeling it. And they even frustrated the hell out of me today, so much so that I sent out a message saying next week's meetings were mandatory. They won't follow it or care (this is not melancholy but actual fact) but it was therapeutic for me to voice my disappointment over an online forum. You know...if any of them read it.
They don't care. And I don't blame them, if I'm being 100% honest. This school year has become a crapshoot and they are are not built for or trained to complete this school year in this capacity. I just honestly thought that the relationships we have forged all year would help to propel them forward to some level of success...but based on the level of engagement, buy-in, and interaction, it appears that is too much to ask.
And while that's disappointing as a teacher, their teacher, as a person who's taken the time to get to know them as individuals, it's a total letdown.
And heartbreaking.
Aubs
By the time I got to my second (and third) meetings of the day I was about to lose my shit over the same phrase that kept getting repeated. I can't even think about it right now because...OH.MY.GOD. The one saving grace was that, between meetings two and three, I made myself go outside and sit in the sun since it's been freakishly cold the last few days. That was a brilliant choice until I went inside to shower and realized I had meeting three in 13 minutes which made me thankful that I was able to attend the meeting without showing my face and slowly drying hair.
My landlord put a potential renter in touch with me so she could see the place (with all necessary precautions, of course) so I reluctantly set up an appointment for 5:30...and at 6:52 she finally texted to say she was busy but she'd just come by tomorrow. Um, no, ma'am. Not my problem. I made arrangements for today and I'm not jumping through any damn hoops. Like I said: short fuse.
By 8:00 I said "screw it" and headed upstairs to go to bed but once I got there I said, "Self, you need to get the eff out of here," so I put on a hoodie and a pair of Nikes and ripped apart the unpacked part of my house looking for a pair of earbuds. I found some Apple earbuds (I hate them; I know, I'm weird. This isn't news) and took off. I just needed to be...not here.
I was gone for an hour and it was like shuffle knew exactly what I needed to hear. It was a ballad kind of night across all the genres that popped up in my "Aubs" playlist with very few skips, which is always a bonus. And as I listened and walked/jogged and spun around as I two-stepped around to a few songs, I felt my mood lift a little bit. Music is such a powerful thing. Anyone who says it isn't hasn't really given musical therapy a try.
But as I let the words, melodies, and memories wash over me something a very wise friend once told me popped into my head. Once upon a time she told me "When you have high highs you have low lows and that's never going to work out. You need to be with someone who's steady and in the middle." and since I'm as single as the day is long I thought about my relationship with myself. My life is full of (self-inflicted) high highs and low lows. Today was a prime example of a bottomed out low...and for what reason? ME.
As I had that epiphany, T-Swift's "Back to December" came on and as I sang along (okay, lie, I belted it like my heart was breaking) I briefly wished I could go back to December and make some different choices. Nothing happened in December, nothing earth-shattering anyway, but how different would life be right now if I made one different decision or set a different goal? I'm never one who wishes they could go back to do anything (realistic anyway...a girl can daydream) but as T-Swift transitioned into Darius Rucker (He'll always be Hootie to me) I was hit with a serious wave of remorse. Remorse for what, I have no idea but I felt every single word of "If I Told You" tonight like it was my freakin' anthem.
I think I just need to fall apart and get it all out but...I'm a bottler. It doesn't work for me to just unload emotion because I only wind up venting words which does help, don't get me wrong, but man. I wish I liked to run. If I could beat the hell out of my body with a depleting run maybe that would help.
I just know that, instead of looking forward to tomorrow being Friday, I really no longer care what day it is. Every single day is the same. There's no differentiation. I feel it. I know my students have been feeling it. And they even frustrated the hell out of me today, so much so that I sent out a message saying next week's meetings were mandatory. They won't follow it or care (this is not melancholy but actual fact) but it was therapeutic for me to voice my disappointment over an online forum. You know...if any of them read it.
They don't care. And I don't blame them, if I'm being 100% honest. This school year has become a crapshoot and they are are not built for or trained to complete this school year in this capacity. I just honestly thought that the relationships we have forged all year would help to propel them forward to some level of success...but based on the level of engagement, buy-in, and interaction, it appears that is too much to ask.
And while that's disappointing as a teacher, their teacher, as a person who's taken the time to get to know them as individuals, it's a total letdown.
And heartbreaking.
Aubs
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
Rule Maker, Rule Breaker
If you were to look into my house tonight (without being a total creeper, mind you), you know, like the giant on Mickey's Christmas Carol where he just opens the roof like it has a hinge, then you would see me eating a chocolate croissant in bed at 8:40 p.m. because I make my own rules. One of those rules is to not eat in my bed because...crumbs...but please refer back to the working title of this post and understand that I do what I want.
Speaking of that, today was a weird day. I've been trying to consciously not make a mess as I live my entire life out of my home without leaving (except to get the mail or make the occasional grocery/post office run) because I never know when someone is going to want to come look at this place...like tomorrow at 5:30. I got up super early today and was just messy.
Do you ever have those days? I legitimately could not stop making a mess. I have no idea why. It just kept happening. It was seriously annoying. And then I got on social media between meetings and discovered a meme that personifies several of my students but a couple specifically come to mind. I sent it along and then gleefully derived a new nickname from said meme for one of them. The unveiling went a little something like this:
Me: I have decided to re-nickname you and, before you disagree, you should know that it has already been voted on and passed unanimously...Kermit. I will also call you Kermie for short. With love, Dubs.
Kermit: I do not approve of this Dubs anything but Kermie.
I've burst out laughing each time I've thought about this and it only makes me love it more. This particular muppet (see what I did there) has had an issue with EVERY SINGLE NICKNAME I have tried as a working nickname. There have been three others so the ultimatum has been issued: Kermie or the OG "Mini-Benny."
I have a feeling Kermie's going to LOVE being green.
Today is usually my favorite day because it's the day all baseball players honor Jackie Robinson by wearing 42 on their backs as they play the greatest game ever. Unfortunately our current predicament ensures that ballfields all over the world are empty and so is a piece of my heart. One of my former kids (who knows how much I love this day) sent me a message saying, "Happy J.R. Day! Don't be too sad!" Too late, Pal.
This week seems exponentially long and I feel like, no matter what I do, I'm simply just trying to tread water...and I'm really bad at it. I'm actually not bad at treading water but this water is more oil-based and it's creepy. And probably filled with bird carcasses.
That took a dark turn really quickly.
In an attempt to entertain myself today I also created my own customized shampoo (purple, not green, despite my adoration for the green ones) and dubbed it "dubs." I'm ridiculously excited about this.
I've got so much to do and so little time before I move (my USAA app has a countdown to moving day and the extended tax day, which is also my birthday) so each time I log in to my USAA app for anything I get a banner with countdowns. Chill out, USAA. I don't need looming due dates. I'm not in school (right now). Speaking of...I need to figure out my classes for the summer and handle that.
Oh, good. Something else for my list.
Aubs
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
I'm the Shrew
This week I've been working my way through some of the screenplay adaptations of classic novels and plays. What I've found is that I was an utterly clueless teenager.
So, naturally, I love it.
As in...I am 38 and realized, only recently, that Clueless was an adaptation of Emma. When I told my sister that I just realized it she replied with, "Where have you been?"
AT HOME BY MYSELF, Katie, and finally spending some time doing some stuff that doesn't require an agenda. It's weird but I don't hate it.
Anyway, tonight I held a come and go Zoom for kids to check in and say hi. The idea was they would come, say hi, and leave again. It didn't work very well. There were some who stayed the whole time and at one point I said, "If you guys don't talk I'm going to kick you out!" so they started talking. Somehow we wound up on the topic of movies and I was telling them all about the AMAZING teenage-inspired movies of the 90s and how glorious they are which is why I am currently watching "10 Things I Hate About You" and remembering why I absolutely adore this movie.
I am Kat. I'm the Shrew. I mean...think about it. If you know me at all you'll know that I am super soft on the inside (an utter sap, actually) but that hard, prickly exterior is something that lets approximately ZERO people in. Lonely? Sometimes...but also significantly easier to stay busy and focused on 8.13 million other things.
Plus...HEATH LEDGER, am I right?
Looking at Snapchat filters to determine what day it is has become my norm. I'm not proud of it but I think it could be exponentially worse so I'm going to count that as a victory, too.
I made an entire list of movies for a few of my girls to watch and I've decided to watch them, too, because reliving my high school experience (through film only, mind you) seems like a great way to connect right now. Also I've been watching Killing Eve, which I wasn't super sure about at first because I couldn't imagine Cristina Yang as British. Then I learned that she was an American who uses British lingo (which cracks me up) and her nemesis is totally obsessive and twisted.
So, naturally, I love it.
Aubs
Monday, April 13, 2020
Sappy Monday
After an Easter Sunday where I literally rolled out of bed at 12:30 (first time in MONTHS...maybe YEARS) and then wondered how it was already midnight what seemed like two blinks later (I was writing lots and lots of notes), I wasn't really sure how this day was going to go.
Let me back up a little bit. Since I have no idea when we're headed back to school and I wanted to make sure my AP kids (all of whom are still testing) had tools they could use to help streamline their prep process, I decided to send them some resources. I've been writing personalized notes for the last couple of days and I'm finally over halfway done. I could write a generic message but I'm far from generic (they will tell you this is true) and instead I tend to border on extra.
Like when I match cards to personalities and then ink choices to cards. It's a process. I sometimes find myself agonizing over which is the absolute right card, all while knowing, full well, that they have no idea that's what I do and that they would roll their eyes so hard they'd get stuck if they did.
But, I digress. Anyway, I have been writing and addressing and stuffing envelopes and applying all of the extra postage because...fun fact: 1.3 oz requires $0.70 worth of postage and if you go to the Post Office on Saturday afternoon when they're already closed then the self-service machine prints EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF POSTAGE SEPARATELY: in $0.15 and $0.55 increments. That's right, friends, I watched over 200 stamps print one.by.one.
Other patrons were pissed but what was I supposed to do? Abandon my (already paid for) stamps as they printed. Nopes.
Today I ran a few errands and finally got my hands on some cloth masks to wear if I absolutely have to (read: if I get judged by others) but I mostly just stay at home or wander aimlessly in my car so I don't do a lot of people-ing. People-watching, on the other hand...well, that's gloriously entertaining.
Today I had to go BACK to the post office to mail a few things and then I had a video chat with my sweet Oompa Loompa (student) to help her fill out her registration form for college/dual credit next year. She kept sending me screenshots saying, "Which do I choose?" so I suggested a Zoom. She shared her screen and we filled it out together and I was just so proud of her when she was done because there are so many others who have just kind of tapped out and, here she is, pushing forward, full steam ahead.
There have been several students who, over the weekend, have sent me messages telling me how unmotivated and stressed they are: they've had several friends who passed away recently, their families are struggling to make ends meet, they're trying to find second jobs to help their families, and the list goes on and on. Today, in my Monday morning (weekly) post I told them that I wanted them to check in with me this week and let me know what's going on with them and how I can help. I got a few replies (this usually picks up later in the week) and these two had me in tears:
"Hey Dubs, I'm doing alright. I am trying my best to keep up with all my classes and the work. Honestly, I do miss school, everything feels out of place. Even though it was a struggle at times it's better than spending everyday inside the house. I mean I do go walk outside from time to time but that's about it. I just want this to be over so we can somewhat go back to normal, plus I do miss taking notes in your classroom 😂 and getting distracted by all the stuff Fernando and you would discuss...it's already been a month and we most likely aren't going back are we? I mean there's like a month left and the numbers don't seem to be reducing either, I don't know. But I can't wait to see you either Ms. Williams. You actually made history fun for me and many others like no other teacher could 😔 and I love you too, Dubs. 💜"
AND THEN.
"Hello Ms. Williams I hope you're doing okay and I really miss you. That might sound weird because I don't really talk much but you were really sweet to me and you are truly one of the best teachers I've had, you check in on your students and make sure they're okay and I think many many teachers don't really do that. I love the way you reach out to all of us and the way you made me feel proud of my own accomplishments. I never thought that hearing a teacher say that they were proud of me would help me so much and for that I'm incredibly grateful. Honestly, this pandemic is horrible, I really did take school for granted, I complained about it so much when it really kept me busy to the point in which there wasn't any room to feel sad. I saw faces of people that helped me get through my bad days and now here I am locked up at home. I'm not in pain or anything like that. I'm okay. I have my good days and I have my incredibly bad ones in which I just lose my composure. I think it's kind of an issue to depend on people to feel happy but yeah I'm trying my best to keep myself busy and occupied and to talk to the people that help, including you because you've been the best, a couple of words really did make me feel great. I love you and have great rest of the day."
There a lot of days where I feel like I'm annoying the crap out of them but then they send messages saying, "PLEASE don't stop," and I realize that I am, in fact, a lifeline for so many of them...those who feel isolated or sad or unmotivated. I've cried buckets of tears in the last 24 hours - for my own boys and missing the absolute hell out of them, for a mini-pity party, and for my school kids who have come to realize that they DO actually love being in that building.
I don't know what the future holds, for this year or next, but I keep thinking back to my interview at the beginning of the summer where the two individuals interviewing me told me that the kids just need someone to care. I told them, rather confidently, that I could definitely handle that, and I think I have.
What I didn't count on was reciprocation, which is making my heart swell in all ways that are good.
I miss them. I miss school. I miss "normal."
I miss my people.
Aubs
Let me back up a little bit. Since I have no idea when we're headed back to school and I wanted to make sure my AP kids (all of whom are still testing) had tools they could use to help streamline their prep process, I decided to send them some resources. I've been writing personalized notes for the last couple of days and I'm finally over halfway done. I could write a generic message but I'm far from generic (they will tell you this is true) and instead I tend to border on extra.
Like when I match cards to personalities and then ink choices to cards. It's a process. I sometimes find myself agonizing over which is the absolute right card, all while knowing, full well, that they have no idea that's what I do and that they would roll their eyes so hard they'd get stuck if they did.
But, I digress. Anyway, I have been writing and addressing and stuffing envelopes and applying all of the extra postage because...fun fact: 1.3 oz requires $0.70 worth of postage and if you go to the Post Office on Saturday afternoon when they're already closed then the self-service machine prints EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF POSTAGE SEPARATELY: in $0.15 and $0.55 increments. That's right, friends, I watched over 200 stamps print one.by.one.
Other patrons were pissed but what was I supposed to do? Abandon my (already paid for) stamps as they printed. Nopes.
Today I ran a few errands and finally got my hands on some cloth masks to wear if I absolutely have to (read: if I get judged by others) but I mostly just stay at home or wander aimlessly in my car so I don't do a lot of people-ing. People-watching, on the other hand...well, that's gloriously entertaining.
Today I had to go BACK to the post office to mail a few things and then I had a video chat with my sweet Oompa Loompa (student) to help her fill out her registration form for college/dual credit next year. She kept sending me screenshots saying, "Which do I choose?" so I suggested a Zoom. She shared her screen and we filled it out together and I was just so proud of her when she was done because there are so many others who have just kind of tapped out and, here she is, pushing forward, full steam ahead.
There have been several students who, over the weekend, have sent me messages telling me how unmotivated and stressed they are: they've had several friends who passed away recently, their families are struggling to make ends meet, they're trying to find second jobs to help their families, and the list goes on and on. Today, in my Monday morning (weekly) post I told them that I wanted them to check in with me this week and let me know what's going on with them and how I can help. I got a few replies (this usually picks up later in the week) and these two had me in tears:
"Hey Dubs, I'm doing alright. I am trying my best to keep up with all my classes and the work. Honestly, I do miss school, everything feels out of place. Even though it was a struggle at times it's better than spending everyday inside the house. I mean I do go walk outside from time to time but that's about it. I just want this to be over so we can somewhat go back to normal, plus I do miss taking notes in your classroom 😂 and getting distracted by all the stuff Fernando and you would discuss...it's already been a month and we most likely aren't going back are we? I mean there's like a month left and the numbers don't seem to be reducing either, I don't know. But I can't wait to see you either Ms. Williams. You actually made history fun for me and many others like no other teacher could 😔 and I love you too, Dubs. 💜"
AND THEN.
"Hello Ms. Williams I hope you're doing okay and I really miss you. That might sound weird because I don't really talk much but you were really sweet to me and you are truly one of the best teachers I've had, you check in on your students and make sure they're okay and I think many many teachers don't really do that. I love the way you reach out to all of us and the way you made me feel proud of my own accomplishments. I never thought that hearing a teacher say that they were proud of me would help me so much and for that I'm incredibly grateful. Honestly, this pandemic is horrible, I really did take school for granted, I complained about it so much when it really kept me busy to the point in which there wasn't any room to feel sad. I saw faces of people that helped me get through my bad days and now here I am locked up at home. I'm not in pain or anything like that. I'm okay. I have my good days and I have my incredibly bad ones in which I just lose my composure. I think it's kind of an issue to depend on people to feel happy but yeah I'm trying my best to keep myself busy and occupied and to talk to the people that help, including you because you've been the best, a couple of words really did make me feel great. I love you and have great rest of the day."
There a lot of days where I feel like I'm annoying the crap out of them but then they send messages saying, "PLEASE don't stop," and I realize that I am, in fact, a lifeline for so many of them...those who feel isolated or sad or unmotivated. I've cried buckets of tears in the last 24 hours - for my own boys and missing the absolute hell out of them, for a mini-pity party, and for my school kids who have come to realize that they DO actually love being in that building.
I don't know what the future holds, for this year or next, but I keep thinking back to my interview at the beginning of the summer where the two individuals interviewing me told me that the kids just need someone to care. I told them, rather confidently, that I could definitely handle that, and I think I have.
What I didn't count on was reciprocation, which is making my heart swell in all ways that are good.
I miss them. I miss school. I miss "normal."
I miss my people.
Aubs
Friday, April 10, 2020
The Classics
At the risk of sounding like a complete, uneducated tool I have a confession to make:
I am not a fan of reading the classics. I'm sure they are amazing and wonderful and I truly do love the screenplay adaptations of most of them but when it comes to reading them I just...can't. I zone out. I read the same passages about 17 times and still have no idea what the actual meaning is. Maybe I'm over-thinking it (that comes naturally to me) or maybe my brain is dumb when it comes to classic literature.
When I watch "Pride & Prejudice," however, I sob every single time...especially the Kiera Knightley version. I don't know what it is about that version but it just makes me feel all the feelings. Since I have nothing better to do (I still have a month until I move so I'm on hiatus from packing the remaining few boxes) I am working my way through the classics starring Kiera Knightley. I think she's a solid "classics" actor. Then again, I also love "Love, Actually," so I may not be the BEST judge here.
While the screen adaptations are obviously nowhere near the masterpieces that the literary works (probably) are...they are my limit. Maybe someday I'll be more of a grownup and able to digest them. This quarantine is not the time.
If anything, right now I need less thinking and more mindless activity. Honestly, I don't even know if I want that either...I don't know what I want or need right now. I simply know this whole social distancing is utter crap.
Okay, it's not utter crap. I get the premise and I understand why it's important but the isolation is super...well, isolating. I consider myself to be a fairly strong person on a good day (or at least I play the part pretty well) and it's making me into a hot mess.
It's not a far reach. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This weekend I'm working on getting some stuff together for my kids who are still testing. I'm 1/8 of the way done so that's not the greatest but I'm hoping to be at least halfway done by Monday morning. We'll see. It's really hard to get in a groove with this idea I had but I'll get there eventually. Besides, it's not really about me.
Not only do kids across the world have to continue their educations but they have to do it in a way that many of them are not ready for, no matter how many crash courses or tips we throw their way. The same can be said for college students who are having to transition from classes on campus to staying at home. I struggle with that at 38; I can't imagine having to restructure my entire life as a 5-25-year-old.
Grace and leniency have been two recurring themes in almost every adult conversation I've had over the last couple of weeks but it extends well past kids and young adults. We all need to have a little extra grace and leniency for each other, for ourselves, for the strangers who are making utterly asinine choices. We don't know why they do what they do.
I'm just as guilty as the next person of being judgmental but, you know what? I'm going to try to be less so.
It's like when you see a man buying flowers and someone says, "Oh, man, what did you do?" automatically assuming the guy is in the doghouse with his significant other. That really pisses me off. Who the hell are we to judge others when we truly have no idea what's going on in their lives?
Grace and leniency. Things are weird right now. They're difficult and excruciating and overwhelming and desperately lonely at times. I miss my own boys so much and I can't wait for us to be able to be together again, to argue over movies or what to make for dinner or whose turn it is to get up and get ice cream or who gets to pick the game we play. Things really suck. But they will get better. They have to get better.
And when they do I have 176 kids at school to squeeze the hell out of while I tell them I love them and it's only weird if they make it weird.
But it won't be weird...not for me and probably not for them, either. It'll be right and a long time coming and the happiest reunion EVER.
Or it'll be weird...but I really don't think so.
Aubs
I am not a fan of reading the classics. I'm sure they are amazing and wonderful and I truly do love the screenplay adaptations of most of them but when it comes to reading them I just...can't. I zone out. I read the same passages about 17 times and still have no idea what the actual meaning is. Maybe I'm over-thinking it (that comes naturally to me) or maybe my brain is dumb when it comes to classic literature.
When I watch "Pride & Prejudice," however, I sob every single time...especially the Kiera Knightley version. I don't know what it is about that version but it just makes me feel all the feelings. Since I have nothing better to do (I still have a month until I move so I'm on hiatus from packing the remaining few boxes) I am working my way through the classics starring Kiera Knightley. I think she's a solid "classics" actor. Then again, I also love "Love, Actually," so I may not be the BEST judge here.
While the screen adaptations are obviously nowhere near the masterpieces that the literary works (probably) are...they are my limit. Maybe someday I'll be more of a grownup and able to digest them. This quarantine is not the time.
If anything, right now I need less thinking and more mindless activity. Honestly, I don't even know if I want that either...I don't know what I want or need right now. I simply know this whole social distancing is utter crap.
Okay, it's not utter crap. I get the premise and I understand why it's important but the isolation is super...well, isolating. I consider myself to be a fairly strong person on a good day (or at least I play the part pretty well) and it's making me into a hot mess.
It's not a far reach. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This weekend I'm working on getting some stuff together for my kids who are still testing. I'm 1/8 of the way done so that's not the greatest but I'm hoping to be at least halfway done by Monday morning. We'll see. It's really hard to get in a groove with this idea I had but I'll get there eventually. Besides, it's not really about me.
Not only do kids across the world have to continue their educations but they have to do it in a way that many of them are not ready for, no matter how many crash courses or tips we throw their way. The same can be said for college students who are having to transition from classes on campus to staying at home. I struggle with that at 38; I can't imagine having to restructure my entire life as a 5-25-year-old.
Grace and leniency have been two recurring themes in almost every adult conversation I've had over the last couple of weeks but it extends well past kids and young adults. We all need to have a little extra grace and leniency for each other, for ourselves, for the strangers who are making utterly asinine choices. We don't know why they do what they do.
I'm just as guilty as the next person of being judgmental but, you know what? I'm going to try to be less so.
It's like when you see a man buying flowers and someone says, "Oh, man, what did you do?" automatically assuming the guy is in the doghouse with his significant other. That really pisses me off. Who the hell are we to judge others when we truly have no idea what's going on in their lives?
Grace and leniency. Things are weird right now. They're difficult and excruciating and overwhelming and desperately lonely at times. I miss my own boys so much and I can't wait for us to be able to be together again, to argue over movies or what to make for dinner or whose turn it is to get up and get ice cream or who gets to pick the game we play. Things really suck. But they will get better. They have to get better.
And when they do I have 176 kids at school to squeeze the hell out of while I tell them I love them and it's only weird if they make it weird.
But it won't be weird...not for me and probably not for them, either. It'll be right and a long time coming and the happiest reunion EVER.
Or it'll be weird...but I really don't think so.
Aubs
Thursday, April 9, 2020
Sometimes life isn't fair...
I mean, if that isn't the "duh" statement of the century, I don't know what is. It's never been fair and it will never BE fair and that's part of how we learn and grow.
But right now, in case you didn't know, we're in the midst of a global pandemic. I know. Alert the media. I'm just saying that right now things are already super chaotic and messy and scary and off-kilter, and completely uncertain. There is an eerie desperation lingering in the air. There's a potential end date for this but we all know it will be extended and this is going to be our temporary "normal" for the foreseeable future.
So when I got an email with the subject line "Sad News" from the principal of my campus I didn't want to open it. I did and, I'm not going to lie, the first thing I did was skim to see if the name was familiar. I know. That's a terrible thing to do but these kids are MY kids and the thought of anything happening to any of them, all 176 of them, would completely and totally undo me. Then I also considered, if it was one of my kids, she probably would've reached out to me directly.
A student passed away unexpectedly yesterday. They were a student in the grade level I teach so it is entirely possible (probable?) that our paths crossed at some point but they were not in my class. They were deeply loved by so many of my students, though, and I've spend much of the afternoon/evening listening to them tell me all about their friend. I've learned a lot; I've learned that I probably would have adored the crap out of them if I had been lucky enough to know them.
It hurts my heart to "see" my kids hurting. I feel their hurt right along with them and want to do whatever I can to help assuage that pain. So when one of them sent me a link to a GoFundMe for this kid's family, I did what I do best. I donated to the gofundme and a kid almost immediately messages me and said, "I saw that you donated. That's really amazing of you." I can't write a tribute or use my words to say how amazing this person was or the lasting impact they have left on all they knew because I don't know about it firsthand...but what I do know is that this individual made a difference in the lives of others.
And isn't that what we all so desperately want to do? Make a difference? I donated because, as a mom myself, I can't even begin to imagine the grief and pain this child's parents and loved ones are feeling right now. I can't imagine the heart-wrenching decisions they have to make, not even in a time where people can gather to mourn such a tragic loss, but in a time where they are literally unable to gather. It rips my heart apart.
So what do I do? I go all in. This afternoon and evening I have been fielding messages and providing comfort as best I can. I've been checking in on kids I haven't heard from in days and when I ask if they're okay many of them quickly turn it around and ask how I'M doing. It's such a humbling reminder that you get what you give. These kids were not sure about me, like, at ALL, at the beginning; some of them are still uncertain but those who decided to give me a chance show me love all the time. Their love comes in a variety of forms from Minecraft creations with one of my "sayings" on them (which they did instead of doing their assignments) to cleverly worded jabs to asking my opinion or if we can just talk sometimes.
People keep asking how school is going and I'm always honest when I reply, "It's going. Not well, not horribly, but it's going. I'd do anything to be back in the classroom again and I know they would, too." It's not just lip-service. At least three times a day I get questions from kids:
Are we going back?
When are we going back?
Can we go back yet?
Samesies, loves...samesies.
Aubs
But right now, in case you didn't know, we're in the midst of a global pandemic. I know. Alert the media. I'm just saying that right now things are already super chaotic and messy and scary and off-kilter, and completely uncertain. There is an eerie desperation lingering in the air. There's a potential end date for this but we all know it will be extended and this is going to be our temporary "normal" for the foreseeable future.
So when I got an email with the subject line "Sad News" from the principal of my campus I didn't want to open it. I did and, I'm not going to lie, the first thing I did was skim to see if the name was familiar. I know. That's a terrible thing to do but these kids are MY kids and the thought of anything happening to any of them, all 176 of them, would completely and totally undo me. Then I also considered, if it was one of my kids, she probably would've reached out to me directly.
A student passed away unexpectedly yesterday. They were a student in the grade level I teach so it is entirely possible (probable?) that our paths crossed at some point but they were not in my class. They were deeply loved by so many of my students, though, and I've spend much of the afternoon/evening listening to them tell me all about their friend. I've learned a lot; I've learned that I probably would have adored the crap out of them if I had been lucky enough to know them.
It hurts my heart to "see" my kids hurting. I feel their hurt right along with them and want to do whatever I can to help assuage that pain. So when one of them sent me a link to a GoFundMe for this kid's family, I did what I do best. I donated to the gofundme and a kid almost immediately messages me and said, "I saw that you donated. That's really amazing of you." I can't write a tribute or use my words to say how amazing this person was or the lasting impact they have left on all they knew because I don't know about it firsthand...but what I do know is that this individual made a difference in the lives of others.
And isn't that what we all so desperately want to do? Make a difference? I donated because, as a mom myself, I can't even begin to imagine the grief and pain this child's parents and loved ones are feeling right now. I can't imagine the heart-wrenching decisions they have to make, not even in a time where people can gather to mourn such a tragic loss, but in a time where they are literally unable to gather. It rips my heart apart.
So what do I do? I go all in. This afternoon and evening I have been fielding messages and providing comfort as best I can. I've been checking in on kids I haven't heard from in days and when I ask if they're okay many of them quickly turn it around and ask how I'M doing. It's such a humbling reminder that you get what you give. These kids were not sure about me, like, at ALL, at the beginning; some of them are still uncertain but those who decided to give me a chance show me love all the time. Their love comes in a variety of forms from Minecraft creations with one of my "sayings" on them (which they did instead of doing their assignments) to cleverly worded jabs to asking my opinion or if we can just talk sometimes.
People keep asking how school is going and I'm always honest when I reply, "It's going. Not well, not horribly, but it's going. I'd do anything to be back in the classroom again and I know they would, too." It's not just lip-service. At least three times a day I get questions from kids:
Are we going back?
When are we going back?
Can we go back yet?
Samesies, loves...samesies.
Aubs
Tuesday, April 7, 2020
Blursday the fortyteenth of Maprilay
I wish I had coined that phrase. It would make this so much more interesting. I could talk about how I inspired others to come together during this time of great "What the actual hell is going on here" and created a real sense of unity.
But. I didn't. What a(nother) letdown.
Speaking of letdowns...how about April? My favorite day of the year is coming up and I'm not even excited about it anymore because there is no baseball. What is my favorite day, you ask? No, it's not my birthday or any day of real significance. It's April 15. (Note that I said it is NOT a day of significance. Celebrating taxes is not my idea of a good time.).
April 15 is Jackie Robinson day, where every player wears 42 on his jersey in honor of Jackie Robinson and the amazing contributions he made to the game of baseball as a black man who busted through the barriers into a predominantly white men's league. 42 is my favorite number (camping story...so good!) and seeing all of those men wearing baseball pants AND my favorite number on their backs?
This girl's dream would be to run around the field like that meme of the girl during the College World Series where she runs around grabbing all of the guys' butts? Or on Fever Pitch where Drew Barrymore runs across the field to Jimmy Fallon? Oh, how glorious that would be.
Sigh.
Today I got super productive and I have no idea why. Actually, I'm a liar. I know exactly why. My landlord scheduled a showing of my condo on Thursday. You know, during the time where it's most important for us to stay indoors and practice social distancing but I'm sure it's great. They probably won't lick all the doorknobs or anything but I don't know what they do in their spare time when nobody's looking. Or licking.
I started grading stuff for the new grading period because I didn't want to pack boxes. Then I called my mom and asked her to come supervise me to hold me accountable for packing up my house. She and I have been around each other the entire time but also separate. I'm her person for groceries and stuff and I thought she might want a change of scenery so she came over and while I went to buy more boxes.
Buying boxes. Sheesh, that's damn expensive. Why don't they just appear out of thin air or something? Or why can't I snap my fingers like Mary Poppins and make stuff happen? That would be so incredible. It would be so productive. I could do so many more things!
Anyway, I packed up most of the kitchen while she supervised and then we reorganized the living room boxes to create a sense of pathway/openness/someone's been living here for a month without leaving but she's trying, damnit.
I hope it was successful.
But, man, I rode that wave for as long as I could. I came upstairs with a renewed sense of purpose and ran a couple of loads of laundry while I packed my entire closet. The only things left are a few of my spirit wear t-shirts (in hopes we return...yeah, I know), and a rotation of t-shirts, Nike shorts, and yoga pants...and my Nike collection because that would require another box from downstairs and I've literally been a packing machine since 4:00. It's 11:37, OU still sucks, and I am exhausted.
BUT. The good news is I'm probably 70% packed. Now I just have to sell a few furniture items, which should be a breeze in AN EFFING PANDEMIC. I still have to take stuff off the walls and clean up the bathrooms (worst. task. ever.) and get rid of all the clutter. I'm not quite to the point where I just want to burn it all or throw it all away but it's coming.
That's my "favorite" part about moving.
Equally favorite part of my day today? Today I held a Zoom meeting to discuss my the type of question my kids will have to answer on their AP exam. I have 110 of those guys. 8 showed up. Only 1 asked questions.
What could possibly go wrong?
Send help! (And cute movers!)
Aubs
But. I didn't. What a(nother) letdown.
Speaking of letdowns...how about April? My favorite day of the year is coming up and I'm not even excited about it anymore because there is no baseball. What is my favorite day, you ask? No, it's not my birthday or any day of real significance. It's April 15. (Note that I said it is NOT a day of significance. Celebrating taxes is not my idea of a good time.).
April 15 is Jackie Robinson day, where every player wears 42 on his jersey in honor of Jackie Robinson and the amazing contributions he made to the game of baseball as a black man who busted through the barriers into a predominantly white men's league. 42 is my favorite number (camping story...so good!) and seeing all of those men wearing baseball pants AND my favorite number on their backs?
This girl's dream would be to run around the field like that meme of the girl during the College World Series where she runs around grabbing all of the guys' butts? Or on Fever Pitch where Drew Barrymore runs across the field to Jimmy Fallon? Oh, how glorious that would be.
Sigh.
Today I got super productive and I have no idea why. Actually, I'm a liar. I know exactly why. My landlord scheduled a showing of my condo on Thursday. You know, during the time where it's most important for us to stay indoors and practice social distancing but I'm sure it's great. They probably won't lick all the doorknobs or anything but I don't know what they do in their spare time when nobody's looking. Or licking.
I started grading stuff for the new grading period because I didn't want to pack boxes. Then I called my mom and asked her to come supervise me to hold me accountable for packing up my house. She and I have been around each other the entire time but also separate. I'm her person for groceries and stuff and I thought she might want a change of scenery so she came over and while I went to buy more boxes.
Buying boxes. Sheesh, that's damn expensive. Why don't they just appear out of thin air or something? Or why can't I snap my fingers like Mary Poppins and make stuff happen? That would be so incredible. It would be so productive. I could do so many more things!
Anyway, I packed up most of the kitchen while she supervised and then we reorganized the living room boxes to create a sense of pathway/openness/someone's been living here for a month without leaving but she's trying, damnit.
I hope it was successful.
But, man, I rode that wave for as long as I could. I came upstairs with a renewed sense of purpose and ran a couple of loads of laundry while I packed my entire closet. The only things left are a few of my spirit wear t-shirts (in hopes we return...yeah, I know), and a rotation of t-shirts, Nike shorts, and yoga pants...and my Nike collection because that would require another box from downstairs and I've literally been a packing machine since 4:00. It's 11:37, OU still sucks, and I am exhausted.
BUT. The good news is I'm probably 70% packed. Now I just have to sell a few furniture items, which should be a breeze in AN EFFING PANDEMIC. I still have to take stuff off the walls and clean up the bathrooms (worst. task. ever.) and get rid of all the clutter. I'm not quite to the point where I just want to burn it all or throw it all away but it's coming.
That's my "favorite" part about moving.
Equally favorite part of my day today? Today I held a Zoom meeting to discuss my the type of question my kids will have to answer on their AP exam. I have 110 of those guys. 8 showed up. Only 1 asked questions.
What could possibly go wrong?
Send help! (And cute movers!)
Aubs
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