Today started off like any other: N had to get to school early for Friday Live! (he was the camera man), so B and I dropped him off and came back home for 30 minutes until B needed to be there. See, today was field trip day, so I had to be there about 20 minutes after the beginning of the day. I dropped him off, went to grab a cup of coffee (the gingerbread latte at Market Street is, in my opinion, way better than the Starbucks version AND it's the BOGO drink of the month), and then started my chaperone duties.
The play was split into two 45 minute halves, so during intermission, I checked my phone and saw all these posts about something going on in Connecticut. I was only half paying attention because B was being a complete pain, and all of the kids in his class are like excited little puppies, demanding attention and falling all over each other to talk to the fresh(er) face. From the Facebook posts alone, I figured something bad had happened, but that was about all I had time to digest...
It was raining after the play, so we were unable to go to Kid Kountry for lunch and play time as originally planned. I got back to the school before everyone else, so I decided to investigate further into the updates on my feed. I caught key phrases: "Gunman, elementary school, child casualties, Kindergarten" and my heart sank. I honestly fought the urge to throw up, and as I looked away from the words that I didn't think could possibly be true, I saw N...walking toward me on his way to lunch.
I was overwhelmed with emotion, but did everything I could to not let him know that. He said, "Hey, Mom. Did you hear about Connecticut?" Not wanting to get into a conversation since I didn't fully understand what was going on, I asked what he meant. He said, "I don't know. I just heard that something really bad happened. What is it?" I told him I wasn't sure, just that a lot of people had been hurt, and if it was something he needed to know, I'd tell him.
And then I sent him to lunch before my eyes filled up with tears. The first graders got back, I helped B's teacher get her group settled, and then I went home. I turned on CNN, turned on my laptop, and soaked up the information like a sponge. As the reporters recounted the events that had transpired, tears started streaming down my face. At the same time, I was listening to video on my laptop, while trying to come up with a coherent status for Facebook. I don't know why I thought that was so important.
I ended up turning off the videos; something about hearing the events from the mouths of children really rubbed me the wrong way. I was furious that reporters were exploiting precious little victims of violence that way. Another interviewer had a man on her set, and he immediately started spouting off about how if this had happened in a minority community, nobody would've thought twice. She cut him off, the ONE thing I give her credit for, but I was still totally disgusted.
What happened today is nothing short of a tragedy. Nearly 30 innocent victims were taken from their loved ones for absolutely no reason. Of these victims, the majority were children, Kindergartners, who had barely begun their precious little lives. I cannot even begin to fathom what brings people to make these decisions that bring everyone involved hurt and pain. This act may have been the act of a seriously disturbed individual, but we will never know because the one person who could possibly explain the reason behind this senseless act of violence, is no longer alive to attempt explanation.
How many violent acts have we witnessed in the past 15 years, 10 years, 5 years, 2 years, even this year? It is heartbreaking to think of how many lives have been lost. Today, these teachers, faculty, and students went to school, not feeling any fear. That will never be the case for any of them again. So many lives will be damaged because of this person's choices.
I made the decision not to tell my children about what happened. They don't need to know. I know there are other parents who don't agree with me, as well as parents who are totally on the same page. Each child, each family, is different. Everyone copes in their own way. I don't think my boys would be able to fully grasp the magnitude of such loss: they are not parents, and they have led extremely sheltered lives. Some parents may tell their children; some of these children may talk about it in their classes at school, and if that's the case and they have questions, I will not hesitate to answer them.
Children already have so many fears. We all do. They're scared of the dark, scared of getting lost, scared of countless other things...the last thing we need is for our children to fear going to school. School is a safe haven: a place where they are protected as they learn and grow and develop. Nobody ever thinks this kind of thing will happen to them; I guarantee that the residents of Newtown, Connecticut weren't expecting this to happen in their town.
Nobody ever drops their elementary school-aged children off at school thinking, “This might be the last time I see my kid(s) because a gunman could charge into their school...” Not since the tragedy of Columbine have we, as a nation, had cause to worry for our underage children. It is senseless and traumatizing and the grief is felt, not only by the Connecticut community of Newtown, but as a nation. Parents all over the country, all of the world, can attempt to put themselves in the shoes of the parents of students at Sandy Hook Elementary, but 99% of us will never feel the gut-wrenching terror that these parents feel/felt today. My heart is broken for this community, and I pray that God and our nation will help these families to heal and make sense of the madness of people today. Those poor, precious babies…
I have to say...I have never watched President Obama address the nation in its entirety, but I listened to every word he said today, as he was overcome with emotion, speaking as a father and not as the leader of our nation. I appreciated him for that, just as I appreciate the majority of the nation for simply grieving and thinking of/praying for this community. I did not appreciate those who are using this tragedy as a platform for gun control issues or those who seem callous and harsh saying perfect strangers will not help these people heal (Ahem, Dr. Drew).
Simply knowing there are people all over the world who are praying for you and grieving with you, even if they don't know you from Adam, is so powerful. The power of prayer does wondrous things, and I have to believe that God has His hand on this whole situation. It is not up to us to understand His will or His plan, only to trust in Him with all our might. He will bring peace to those who are hurting. He will bring comfort to those who are in pain. He will bring healing to those who are broken.
And there are so many who are broken.
I spoke not long ago about the tragedies in Coppell, and I have seen God's work in our community. I have seen people come together to grieve, to comfort, to just be...and I know in my heart that God has Newtown wrapped tightly in His arms, surrounded by thousands of people who don't even know them, but feel just as deeply.
As a parent, I know I do. My boys came home from school, and I squeezed them so tightly that they complained. We turned on Polar Express, made dinner, and decorated our Christmas tree. I get to do that with my boys tonight. It makes me wonder...how many families in Newtown planned to do the same tonight?
And once again, my heart breaks.
Aubrey
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