This year, as I battle with what my boys want versus what
they need, I’m even more cognizant of the sacrifices of my parents. They still sacrifice: their time, their
energy, their financial resources, even their homes, to provide for their
children. Being a parent isn’t something
that stops when your children hit a certain age. Once you become a parent, you’re in it for
life. My issue, it seems, is drawing the
fine line between what they want and what they need.
B seems to have no trouble fitting in anywhere he goes. He’s full of personality, and he’s at the age
where, if someone doesn’t like him, he gets upset for a minute, and then finds
someone else to annoy, I mean befriend.
He doesn’t know a stranger, which is both thrilling and terrifying as
his mom. N, on the other hand, seems to
have a lot more difficulty fitting in.
He is caught up with what people will think if he doesn’t wear clothing
that mirrors the other boys in his grade, but don’t even think about telling
him that he doesn’t have to be a follower.
No, he thinks, by copying the other boys, that he’s being a leader, and
although I’ve tried to talk to him about being his own person countless times,
it’s no use.
First, it was basketball shorts on a daily basis, followed
by long socks, and now we’re in the Nike Elite stage. He’s 10.
When my mom asked him what he wanted for Christmas, and he replied, “Socks.”
he wasn’t kidding. Maybe it’s just me,
but I don’t understand why I would spend $15 per pair of socks for a 10
year-old who will undoubtedly outgrow them in a few short months. I realize it’s the “thing” this year, but
next year it will be something different, and so on and so forth. Kids are dang expensive, and he’s not even a
teenager. Can you imagine how much “fun”
it will be in a couple of years, and then when B hits the teen years, too? I can’t wait.
Where was I? Oh yeah,
wants vs. needs. N wants specific socks,
but does he need them? No, but as his
parent, I’m wired to want to give them to him, if I can. I still haven’t been able to justify that one
yet. Do they need new video games to
keep them entertained? No, but I need
them to have them if I want to be able to study next semester and/or keep a
tiny shred of my sanity. They need
clothes, but they want basketball shorts in every color. Is that a want or a need? It’s kind of both, but (my main argument
point) they can’t wear basketball shorts for special occasions or to church…and
that, my friends, is how I won that argument.
Not that I wouldn’t have won anyway. I AM the adult after all. Even though they try their hardest (and are
sometimes successful) to wear me down, at the end of the day, I still call the
shots. What I say goes, and they can
gripe all they want, but it doesn’t change a thing. It also has me considering my own wants and
needs.
Do I need a Keurig?
Nope, but it sure would make caffeinating my body easier in the
mornings. I’ve pled my case to my dad at
least a dozen times on this one…to no avail.
It’s okay though, I can make due with what I have. Do I need to go bust butts for spitting water
all over the bathroom while brushing their teeth? Absolutely, without question, the answer is
yes.
Okay, then. While I’d
love to be the fun parent, the one who gives in and doesn’t discipline and goes
with the flow, I can’t. I need to be the
disciplinarian, because that’s the only consistent factor in their lives. They know, regardless of where they are or
what they’re doing, they have to answer to me for their choices. I want (and need) to be more patient,
too. I have zero tolerance for my boys
when they’re just being kids and driving me crazy. Try as I might, that just bothers me like
nobody’s business. To everyone else, I’m
sure it just seems like they’re having a good time, being silly, and laughing
about it, but to me? It seems like they’re
blatantly disrespecting the fact that I told them to behave, and ignoring any
and every word of caution I gave them before entering wherever we might be at
that moment in time.
Which leads me to my next want/need: I want/need to not jump
so quickly into angry mode. It doesn’t
take much to put me in that place, and I hate it. Each night, before I fall asleep, I talk to
God and tell Him how I’m trying to be less angry and how I could really use His
help. And each night, I fall asleep
thinking tomorrow will be the day that things turn around…and each day, I feel
like it’s gotten worse. It’s not my
proudest admission, by far, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who gets this
way. At least, I hope not… I know everyone who has kids sees even the
tiniest bit of bad behavior amplified, while passersby see mischievous lively
children. I wish I could look at it from
a stranger’s point of view.
While at some point in my life, I want to date someone
again, I don’t need to. I’ve gotten way
past where having someone in my life was a need. I used to think I needed someone to make my
life complete, but it turns out, I just need myself. Although it would be great to share my life
with someone, and to have that someone be a role model to my children, I’m
doing the best I can. Someday, they’ll
see that…I hope.
In fact, I was having a conversation with an old friend
earlier today, giving him advice on relationships, which (can I just say) is
kind of hilarious coming from me because I’m obviously the worst person to ask
about relationships. Actually, I’m not. I give really good advice when it comes to
other people’s relationships, but I just can’t seem to follow my own
advice. If I did, I’d totally be…well, I
don’t know, but something different, and potentially better right about
now. Anyway, I told him something that
really struck a chord with how I’ve been in the past as well. I’d say someone famous said it, but I’m
pretty sure I made it up. You need to
find a person who knows who you are and what you’re about, who will call you on
your bullshit. Because you need that… You can’t go through life, tiptoeing around
other people’s feelings. That’s not
living…
And it’s true. He and
I have been friends for years, and even though I don’t like what he has to say
sometimes, I know it’s the truth. I know
he wouldn’t steer me wrong, because if he did, I’d track him down and kick him
in the shin. Laugh all you want, but I
would…without hesitation. Those
friendships are rare, where you can really just be who you are without any
fear; and I’m really fortunate to have friendships like that. I’d be grateful to have just one, but I’ve
been blessed with several. I’m such a
lucky girl.
There were so many more that I thought of earlier today, but
they seem entirely inconsequential now.
The bottom line is: we all have wants and we all have needs, but being
able to place a solid line between the two is difficult. It’s a constant battle between what we all
really need and what we’d really like to have.
It’s age-old, and something that will never vary. Yes, the wants and needs will change over
time, but the line, however flexible it may be, will always be there.
Which side of the line are you on?
Aubs
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