I woke up this morning with Connecticut still weighing heavily on my mind. I'm sure that can be said of a lot of people today and tomorrow and next week. I still cannot fathom how someone could murder innocent children. Mental issues or not...
If this person did, in fact, have mental issues, I wish he had been able to get help. I hope more people will be open to the idea of asking for help if they're having problems. I hope more people will be more aware of people who are acting outside of their normal behavior, and talk to them about it. A simple, "Hey, you don't really seem like yourself lately...is everything okay?" could do wonders. Who knows?
I went to my first basketball game of the season this morning, and it just so happened to be against N's baseball coach from the fall season. Although our team kept his team from scoring for the entire first quarter, it didn't last. Final score? 19-4. The boys were so dejected, so the coach decided to give them a pep talk. It went a little something like this:
Coach: Did they beat us or did we beat ourselves?
Boys (glumly): We beat ourselves.
Coach: We did a great job of holding them to no points in the first quarter, but we didn't continue that. We didn't do anything we didn't practice this week right?
Boys (confused): Right?
Coach: Our next game is January 5, so I think that's the next time we see each other. So, over the break, I want you to practice with your ball.
Boys: Yes sir
Coach: You know what I'm going to wish for for Christmas?
Boys: What?
Coach: I'm going to wish for better players for Christmas.
<Dead Silence>
I looked at N's dad, who was wide-eyed, looking at me and said, "Did he really just say that?" Obviously, I hope that wasn't what he meant, and it just came out wrong, but the damage was kind of already done...N's baseball coach waved us over, so we went to congratulate him on his win, and told him what the coach just said. His reply? Horrified stare, followed by "Awesome..." I told him I was just going to start requesting him for every team sport, and he said there was a waiting list, but if anyone could make it happen, it would be me. Um, thanks?
I ran some errands, then came home to read and relax. I knew I needed to go to Grapevine Mills (to the puzzle store) but I lacked motivation. I finally made myself get up and go, and as I was driving there, my thoughts drifted back to the littles in Connecticut. The list of victims showed name after name after name, each of them followed by a "6" or "7" as their age, and each caused my heart to break and my eyes to fill with tears. These boys and girls are my B's age. He may drive me crazy from time to time, but I can hug him and have a conversation with him and spend time with him whenever I want. The families of the victims in Newtown won't be able to do that until God calls them home to reunite them with their loved ones.
And then, I looked up and saw the faintest rainbow, and I just stared in awe. Our God is the most powerful creator, THE planner of all of us, and He gives and takes away. He gave these individuals to their families for such a short period of time, and He took them away when He decided it was time. It doesn't make the loss any easier, and I know I wouldn't be able to look at it this way if I were in their shoes...but at some point, I would hope I'd be able to let go and let God handle it.
Just like I pray they will be able to do at some point. I hope the families of the teachers and staff members who paid the ultimate price to protect their school babies know just how heroic their loved ones are. To defy a person literally holding your life in his hands, knowing your death is more than likely inevitable, and still tell that person your students are elsewhere...well, that has to be one of the bravest things I've ever heard. It makes the tears that are permanently welled up in my eyes spill over.
The pain and grief is so raw right now, and it will only continue to build. There are questions for which there will never be answers. There are goodbyes left unsaid; kisses and hugs one-sided, and smiles left only to photographs. My heart is so heavy, and again, I'm reminded that these kids were my baby's age.
And it just isn't fair. I know life isn't fair, but this is just so beyond the realm of fairness.
So, I came home from the mall, opened a puzzle, and turned on Disney princess movies. Beauty and the Beast is my favorite. Ever since I saw it in theaters when I was a kid, I've thought Beast was much more handsome than his human form. I have no idea what that says about me, but my opinion doesn't waver. I know. It's weird.
And now, I'm headed to bed. I'm really looking forward to going to church tomorrow. I know I'm not the only one looking to God for peace and special prayers continue to go up to Him for all of these people who are trying to figure out how to live without those they love the most.
I can't imagine...and at the same time, I realize Newtown, Connecticut could have been anywhere. It could've been Coppell, Texas.
I pray to God nobody I know ever has to experience the nightmare these poor people are living right now.
Aubrey
No comments:
Post a Comment