I love hanging out with my family. That might make me weird, but I don't even care if we're doing anything...just being able to be around the people I care about the most makes my heart happy. My dad used to live MAYBE 5 minutes away from me. I saw him almost every single day and I talked to him daily. The boys and I would drop by his house on our way to/from the "cool train park with the zip line by the library" near his house, or I'd go over there when it was just me to hang out. It became one of the "norms" in my life...
And then, last August, he moved to Houston. It was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be...especially for me. I went from seeing him most days to not seeing him for weeks at a time. We didn't even talk on a daily basis because he was busy with his new job and I was trying to keep things together: boys, school, my sanity, etc. Going to my dad's house was an escape for me, a stress reliever of sorts, and I don't know if he ever really knew how much his house was a haven for me.
I know it was a haven for him too...when people (me) didn't randomly show up to escape. No, he may disagree and say it drove him crazy, but I know he loved it. Most of the time. We would watch movies or just talk, go out to eat or cook something together, and mostly just "be." And it was so great.
I can still do that, and I know that...but it's a much longer drive now. I make the drive willingly, even eagerly, because it's my dad. I don't know how much longer he'll be around. Nothing in life is a guarantee except if you are born, you will eventually die. Those are really the only guarantees we have, and one is entirely reliant upon the other.
How's that for deep?
Speaking of deep...I was listening to the radio on the way home from our afternoon of errands, and "I Hope You Dance" came on whatever radio station is programmed as 5 on FM2 in my dad's truck. I've sung that song hundreds of times, but never really paid a lot of attention to the words. Until now. I don't know what made me really listen, but something made me pay attention.
Okay, I was half paying attention, and half listening to my dad talk about how his neighborhood used to be a sugar plantation hundreds of years ago until the daughters of the plantation owners sold it and lived in a mansion that's still intact somewhere around here today. I'm a good half listener. Anyway, while part of my brain was (obviously) processing his story, the other half was listening to the words.
And they actually make sense. I mean, they've always made sense, but they made sense in my life today. See, I've been sitting out for a few years now. I haven't found anyone worth dancing with, but I haven't really been out there, looking for someone to dance with either. I had it in my brain that if I found a new dance partner, it would be someone that I already knew, someone I had been waiting for for a ridiculously long time. But, the thing is, that's not reality. If this person and I were supposed to have our chance to dance, it would've happened by now, and the fact that it hasn't is kind of disheartening, but that's the way life goes.
On paper, it would have made sense. There was always an interest, always a piece of each of us that wondered about what might've/could've/should've/would've been if things had gone differently, but they didn't. And I have to think that they didn't for some reason that's bigger than anything I can comprehend...and I can comprehend a LOT. Now, I'm not saying it couldn't ever happen, because stranger things have happened, and strange things usually happen in my life, but I finally realized that I was no longer holding my breath.
That realization was both a relief and a sadness I haven't felt in a while. It was the one tiny thing I held onto, a little piece of hope, and to realize that it isn't there anymore (or it's significantly smaller than the tiny piece it was) is a little heartbreaking.
I love this person. I've loved them for a long time...and no matter what life throws at either one of us, that's been one constant in my life that has never wavered. It still hasn't, it just seems like it's adapting a little bit and I'm not sure how I feel about that, to be quite honest. This person puts a smile on my face when others can't, and gets me when nobody else does. He's potentially my best friend, or he could be if we talked more often. I know, without a doubt, that if I need advice, I can turn to him, and vice versa. Of course, getting advice from me is full of my opinions and relating it to things I know about, but I'm rarely wrong... Fact.
And I always tell it like it is. I don't have to worry about hurting his feelings, just like he never has to worry about hurting mine...usually. The strange thing about people is that their feelings do get hurt unintentionally and without real cause sometimes. I know neither of us would ever hurt the other on purpose. We've done it in the past, and it didn't make either one of us feel that great. We swore we'd never do it again, so we'll see how that goes.
I hope everyone has a friend they can relate to, regardless of the time that's passed since you last spoke or saw each other. It's such an amazing thing: a relationship with no holds barred.
It's what I know I need if I ever don't want to be single...but it can be hard to find, especially when you go out looking for it, which is why I don't. It's why I keep my head down and do what I do: I parent, I do homework, I spend time with my family every chance I get (and sometimes I make the chances happen), I grocery shop, I help at school, I do laundry, I clean the house, and I cook. To step outside of that comfort zone freaks me out a little bit.
To step outside of the comfort zone of those I love the most terrifies me. I like my little bubble, and I'm struggling with the realization that I can be so much more...
if I just break out of the bubble and let people in.
Aubs
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