It's been MONTHS since I've done anything to my hair. I dyed it dark in October for my mom's cancerversary and haven't done anything to it since. It's obviously been growing out but it's not super noticeable in fluorescent lighting so I didn't bother doing anything about it since half of my lights are off in my classroom on a regular basis. I use(d) Christmas lights for additional light because my room becomes a furnace when the heat kicks on so I use the Christmas lights for ambiance but also to keep the room from getting hot(ter). ANYWAY, the point is you can't tell my hair is striped in that environment.
But being at home 24/7 and in natural light it is scary. I have a line of demarcation around my head like a jacked up halo. Funny story: the first day of the spring break that hasn't ended I made a to do list and at the top of the list, under "Be awesome," is "Call for hair appointment.
Insert maniacal laughter here. Needless to say that hasn't happened and I couldn't continue with the way that it was so I did a thing. I ordered dye from Madison Reed. No. Not Ashley Madison (the "dating" website), Madison Reed...a super reputable and upscale-ish at home color company. Apparently they have color bars across the United States but it doesn't matter because they're all closed and that does me no good. Besides I'd never cheat on the guy who does my hair. He's wonderful!
Anyway. Remember how the post office lost my package when they prematurely forwarded it and then it reappeared? Well, I got the notification that my package had been received but apparently they still shipped the second box to me so I'm not sure what's going to happen there (I will try to return it because I'm honest) but today, after my Zoom meeting, I decided to just do it.
I was terrified. It's not really any lighter (maybe just a little bit) which is fine because I wasn't really trying to lighten it but it IS even now. I feel super accomplished, too. It's just hair dye...whatever...but I did it! If teaching doesn't work out it's always good to have a backup plan.
After I did my hair I went to check on my mom (today was chemo day) then came home to do a FaceTime tour, and then I went on some driveway visits. I wound up seeing SEVEN of them tonight (I'm up to 10 now...11 if you count that I've seen one of them twice) and I was overwhelmed by how happy they were to see me and how surprised they were when I told them it's been over a month since we've seen each other. All but one of them had no idea I was coming so watching their faces when they saw who was at the door was so much fun!
Not only were they thrilled to see me but their parents! Their parents were straight up surprised that I would take the time to come over. They tried to feed me and hydrate me. They insisted that I sit down, come inside, take a tour...it was so sweet! One of my girls had a little brother who picked a flower and gave it to me and then tried to hand me a baby chick...NOTHANKYOUVERYMUCH. His sister was dying laughing because she knows I hate birds of any kind.
Another kid HAD to play his guitar for me and I got to explain this week's assignment IN PERSON while his brother said, "Wait. You're in AP?! What?" and the kid said, "I know...sometimes I forget, too."
Yet another (the one I'd already seen once) literally came outside, got the thing I was dropping off, grabbed his backpack out of his truck, and went back inside after saying, like, 5 words. A little while later I get a message, "OMG I NEVER SAID THANKS. Thank you for the k cup. Damn." So that was a good time.
My last visit was a kid that asks so many questions in class...and very rarely do they have ANYTHING to do with what I'm teaching, so I started giving him a post-it note at the beginning of class so he could write down any questions that he might have. I answer them at the end of class. I actually miss that. It was super fun to talk to him and his parents. He proudly brought me a picture of himself as a little kid and announced that he looked GOOOOOD.
Each visit, each bright smile, each face where you can literally see the realization that I absolutely care dawn on their faces...it's so worth it. They're worth it. But the most heartbreaking part is that not all of them THINK they are worth it.
I can't wait to see who I get to see tomorrow! :)
Aubs
Thursday, April 23, 2020
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
Miserable.
When I went to bed last night and I couldn't get comfortable and I was just...hot...I knew it was going to be a hell of a day today (all puns intended). This happens sometimes, usually when I don't consume caffeine and I'm going on day 2 of no caffeine. Someone asked me "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" and I honestly have no idea. Perhaps that's why I've been in a state of "meh" these days.
Caffeine brings me joy. I own it.
As a side note, I don't know what Jenny from the United States Postal Service did but my VIP (very important package...of hair dye) was delivered this afternoon. This was, of course, after I spoke with the company and they reshipped my order, for free, with expedited shipping. Hopefully they got the notification early enough to stop it from shipping. I'm going to attempt this great feat tomorrow. What could possibly go wrong?!
I was so not in the mood to people today. In fact, I contemplated skipping my daily Zoom call with my co-workers because I just wasn't feeling it but then I wound up doing it anyway. #REGRETS. I had a Zoom session with a few of my kids about an assignment right after that so, by the time I was done...I was really done. It reminded me of a song, by Lit I think, called "Miserable." Its lyrics are rockin' and I'm going to have to add it to my rotation: "You make me complete. You make me completely miserable."
So I decided to watch a pilot of a show called "Council of Dads" which, if you haven't seen it...DO NOT DO IT unless you want to ugly cry and legitimately lose all ability to control your emotions over a television show. Needless to say I can't wait for the next episode. Apparently it's based on a book so that's on my "must order" list. Glutton for emotional outbursts and all that, I suppose.
I have been in just an over all funk for the past couple of days and that's something I try to be transparent about because I tell people all the time, especially now, it's okay to be not okay. It's okay to have bad days. It's okay to be pissed at the world or to want to curl up in a ball and cry...as long as you don't stay that way. Take a day (or a few) and then get back out there. Enjoy the sunshine. Rock out to your favorite songs. Make a new playlist and surprise yourself. Make a new recipe. Write a note or a text or an email to someone who matters to you.
There are so many mini-mood boosters that do so much with such minimal effort. For me the turnaround was a text that I wasn't expecting. Did it "fix" me? Absolutely not. But it did make me realize that the only person who's going to get me out of this state of blah is myself. In another conversation I was talking with someone about money and its correlation to happiness. The other party was saying that money can, in fact, lead to happiness and I was countering with the point that if you're miserable before you have money it doesn't change the fact that you're still unhappy...you just have the ability to buy more stuff...which doesn't make you any happier in the long run.
I love conversations that inspire and challenge and make you think and love them even more when they come from the most unexpected sources.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring but I do know it will bring coffee...come hell or high water.
Aubs
Caffeine brings me joy. I own it.
As a side note, I don't know what Jenny from the United States Postal Service did but my VIP (very important package...of hair dye) was delivered this afternoon. This was, of course, after I spoke with the company and they reshipped my order, for free, with expedited shipping. Hopefully they got the notification early enough to stop it from shipping. I'm going to attempt this great feat tomorrow. What could possibly go wrong?!
I was so not in the mood to people today. In fact, I contemplated skipping my daily Zoom call with my co-workers because I just wasn't feeling it but then I wound up doing it anyway. #REGRETS. I had a Zoom session with a few of my kids about an assignment right after that so, by the time I was done...I was really done. It reminded me of a song, by Lit I think, called "Miserable." Its lyrics are rockin' and I'm going to have to add it to my rotation: "You make me complete. You make me completely miserable."
So I decided to watch a pilot of a show called "Council of Dads" which, if you haven't seen it...DO NOT DO IT unless you want to ugly cry and legitimately lose all ability to control your emotions over a television show. Needless to say I can't wait for the next episode. Apparently it's based on a book so that's on my "must order" list. Glutton for emotional outbursts and all that, I suppose.
I have been in just an over all funk for the past couple of days and that's something I try to be transparent about because I tell people all the time, especially now, it's okay to be not okay. It's okay to have bad days. It's okay to be pissed at the world or to want to curl up in a ball and cry...as long as you don't stay that way. Take a day (or a few) and then get back out there. Enjoy the sunshine. Rock out to your favorite songs. Make a new playlist and surprise yourself. Make a new recipe. Write a note or a text or an email to someone who matters to you.
There are so many mini-mood boosters that do so much with such minimal effort. For me the turnaround was a text that I wasn't expecting. Did it "fix" me? Absolutely not. But it did make me realize that the only person who's going to get me out of this state of blah is myself. In another conversation I was talking with someone about money and its correlation to happiness. The other party was saying that money can, in fact, lead to happiness and I was countering with the point that if you're miserable before you have money it doesn't change the fact that you're still unhappy...you just have the ability to buy more stuff...which doesn't make you any happier in the long run.
I love conversations that inspire and challenge and make you think and love them even more when they come from the most unexpected sources.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring but I do know it will bring coffee...come hell or high water.
Aubs
Tuesday, April 21, 2020
Going Postal
Although the title of this particular post might lead you to believe that I have, in fact, finally lost it and gone insane ("postal"), I am terrified to report that it hasn't happened.
Yet.
No, no, this post is solely dedicated to the United States Postal Service. You see, what had happened was, I tried to be proactive a couple of weeks ago. I had a long "to do" list of things and one of the things was change of address forms. Since my oldest son is already living in a new location I went ahead and set up his mail to forward effective last week. In a totally different "transaction" I set up my own mail to forward in early May.
Then I ordered some items and anxiously began checking the mailbox for them to arrive (read: hair dye...I'm giving it a try...what could possibly go wrong besides...everything?) only to find that the only thing that arrived in the mailbox was a green VACANCY card. Um, excuse me? NO! Where is my hair dye?! I angrily scribbled a (very nice, polite, and informative) note to the mail carrier that MY mail needs to continue to be delivered to this address until the date on my form in May. I also added, "Can you PLEASE find my package from Madison Reed? It's of the utmost importance." and a smiley face.
It's a wonder it hasn't shown up yet. A SMILEY FACE. Anyway, when there was actual mail in my mailbox yesterday, albeit none of it addressed to me, I had hope. The green card was gone and there was mail. Progress! Today there was a card from my Seester, just because (those are the best!), and a key to a parcel box. YES! My hair dye!
No. Not my hair dye. So I do what any normal human being would do...I put on my swimsuit and I go sit in the sun. I mean, if I'm going to sit on hold with USPS for hours on end I may as well get some sun, right? Tan fat is less displeasing than white fat. Right?
So, I'm listening to the advertisement loop where they're talking about how easy and fool-proof it is to set up mail forwarding and change of address and THE IRONY. When someone finally answers I quickly learn it is not someone from my local branch (the number I called) but someone elsewhere...maybe in Dallas, who knows? I explain the situation to the woman named Jenny and she looks up the tracking number and sees my name and verifies the address on the package. When I explain that I never received it she said, "Yes, it was forwarded to your new address." I counted to three and explained (for the 10th time) that I don't take ownership of that residence until early May. And then she said the best sentence of the day: "Yes, I see that on your address form but why would they do that?"
I. DON'T. KNOW. JENNY. That's why I'm calling you! Jenny was awesome, though. She called my current post office and said, "Deliver her mail!" and she called my new post office and said, 'If you find her package it's super important and she'll come pick it up!" and then she called me back to tell me what she did. It was impressive. Not as impressive as my package being delivered on April 17 like it was supposed to but I'll take a small victory.
Also this morning I got another call from someone I had been waiting to hear from. They apologized for taking so long to get back to me (complete stranger but honestly...do I know a stranger? Nope) and after we chatted for a little while she said, "You are just so pleasant to talk to! I wish everyone I contacted was as cheerful and kind as you are." She couldn't see my hair flip, nor does she know that's my thing, but I did it just the same. I told her I was going to tell my kids, biological and otherwise, what she said and she laughed and laughed. Then she said her kids were 5 and 3, both boys, and I laughed and laughed. What a ride she's in for in the next 10 years. Oof.
In an attempt to be semi-productive today (because I didn't want to do a damn thing), I started organizing my stuff for APUSH. I don't really foresee my kids using a bunch of it but I wanted to clean it up and organize it for future years. ***and then I disappeared for an hour to register for my APSI because I'm past the deadline...oops***
Aubs
Yet.
No, no, this post is solely dedicated to the United States Postal Service. You see, what had happened was, I tried to be proactive a couple of weeks ago. I had a long "to do" list of things and one of the things was change of address forms. Since my oldest son is already living in a new location I went ahead and set up his mail to forward effective last week. In a totally different "transaction" I set up my own mail to forward in early May.
Then I ordered some items and anxiously began checking the mailbox for them to arrive (read: hair dye...I'm giving it a try...what could possibly go wrong besides...everything?) only to find that the only thing that arrived in the mailbox was a green VACANCY card. Um, excuse me? NO! Where is my hair dye?! I angrily scribbled a (very nice, polite, and informative) note to the mail carrier that MY mail needs to continue to be delivered to this address until the date on my form in May. I also added, "Can you PLEASE find my package from Madison Reed? It's of the utmost importance." and a smiley face.
It's a wonder it hasn't shown up yet. A SMILEY FACE. Anyway, when there was actual mail in my mailbox yesterday, albeit none of it addressed to me, I had hope. The green card was gone and there was mail. Progress! Today there was a card from my Seester, just because (those are the best!), and a key to a parcel box. YES! My hair dye!
No. Not my hair dye. So I do what any normal human being would do...I put on my swimsuit and I go sit in the sun. I mean, if I'm going to sit on hold with USPS for hours on end I may as well get some sun, right? Tan fat is less displeasing than white fat. Right?
So, I'm listening to the advertisement loop where they're talking about how easy and fool-proof it is to set up mail forwarding and change of address and THE IRONY. When someone finally answers I quickly learn it is not someone from my local branch (the number I called) but someone elsewhere...maybe in Dallas, who knows? I explain the situation to the woman named Jenny and she looks up the tracking number and sees my name and verifies the address on the package. When I explain that I never received it she said, "Yes, it was forwarded to your new address." I counted to three and explained (for the 10th time) that I don't take ownership of that residence until early May. And then she said the best sentence of the day: "Yes, I see that on your address form but why would they do that?"
I. DON'T. KNOW. JENNY. That's why I'm calling you! Jenny was awesome, though. She called my current post office and said, "Deliver her mail!" and she called my new post office and said, 'If you find her package it's super important and she'll come pick it up!" and then she called me back to tell me what she did. It was impressive. Not as impressive as my package being delivered on April 17 like it was supposed to but I'll take a small victory.
Also this morning I got another call from someone I had been waiting to hear from. They apologized for taking so long to get back to me (complete stranger but honestly...do I know a stranger? Nope) and after we chatted for a little while she said, "You are just so pleasant to talk to! I wish everyone I contacted was as cheerful and kind as you are." She couldn't see my hair flip, nor does she know that's my thing, but I did it just the same. I told her I was going to tell my kids, biological and otherwise, what she said and she laughed and laughed. Then she said her kids were 5 and 3, both boys, and I laughed and laughed. What a ride she's in for in the next 10 years. Oof.
In an attempt to be semi-productive today (because I didn't want to do a damn thing), I started organizing my stuff for APUSH. I don't really foresee my kids using a bunch of it but I wanted to clean it up and organize it for future years. ***and then I disappeared for an hour to register for my APSI because I'm past the deadline...oops***
Aubs
Sunday, April 19, 2020
Healing Hearts
After only a few hours of sleep I realized I was going to need to be out of the house for most of the afternoon for various showings and stuff.
My bright idea was to go to the city where I teach and do some driveway visits. It's been a month since we've actually seen each other and I was hoping some of them were missing me as much as I was missing them...
But then a funny thing happened. Instead of turning right, I turned left. I found myself on the doorstep of two of my most precious kids from last year. While they were clearly not fans of me at the beginning of the year we became incredibly close by the end and we've met for lunches and dinners and performances and...just because...more times than I can count. One of them has been having a rough year and, after talking with him on multiple occasions, I knew that's where I needed to go. Their mom and I have spoken dozens of times on the phone and via text/social media but when she answered the door it took a minute for her to realize who I was and then there were so many hugs!
Over her shoulder one of the boys made eye contact and his hands flew to his mouth in surprise and I keep replaying that in my mind because it was PRICELESS. He met me at the door and hugged me while his brother looked on in disbelief. By the time I got to him, he was crying and I was doing my best to hold it together (I did...barely) and then I promptly grabbed his hand, dragged him outside, and sat next to him on the porch while we talked for 3 hours.
It was where I needed to be. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. Those boys are two of the greatest joys that came out of where I taught last year and the relationships that were built as a result of that last-minute position are things that I treasure so dearly. He said it was just what he needed but I'm here to tell you...he wasn't the only one who needed it.
My weekend was a serious beatdown and he was one of the high points. It was so stressful for reasons I can't really articulate other than, when any of my "kids" are hurting I feel that hurt. I feel it and I can't not think about it.
After swinging by my mom's to drop off some dinner I went home to do a FaceTime tour of my condo for a couple who wanted to see what the inside looked like. I'm not sure how serious they were so I was kind of annoyed but, whatever...not my problem. After that was over I felt unsettled so I got in the car to just drive a little. I drove past my campus and snapped a picture to send to the kids along with an "I miss you!" message and then went to get gas where I ran into a student who works at the gas station. I thought it was her but wasn't sure until she tried to jump off of whatever she was standing on, cleaning, and I said, "DON'T DIE! I'LL WAIT!" Seeing her was also what I needed so I sent another a message and said, "I'll be in your driveway in 5 minutes." Her reply was "OMG, no way" so I spent almost an hour in the driveway talking to her and her brother.
On Sunday I continued the trend of showing the condo (to potential renters) and then driving around while it was being shown by realtors (to potential buyers). One of my other girls sent me a picture of her nephew and I asked if she was at her sister's. She said, "Yes!" so a little while later I said, "Me, too." and sent her a picture of the facade of the house. She flew out the door and I spent an hour talking to her about school and work and family and all sorts of stuff. When I was getting ready to leave she said, "Dubs, I needed this." and I knew exactly what she meant because...me, too.
I reached out to one of my newer students that I got at semester because he also lived nearby. I talk to him regularly, just like the girl I had just visited, so I told him I wouldn't come check on him if he didn't want me to but, surprisingly, he responded with, "I wouldn't mind if you did." so I did! We talked about school and grades and caffeine/coffee and I met his father (literally the last thing he wanted...added bonus for me) and my heart was so full. Even though we've known each other for a short time and we give each other a lot of grief it's because we instantly clicked from the moment he walked in my class and declared that I was psychotic. He later told me he knew he was going to love it as soon as he walked in which is totally reciprocated.
I have a growing list of students I want to driveway visit. I've felt like I wanted to do this for a long time but the main reason I acted on it was because one of my girls sent me a message on Saturday morning that said, "Saw this on Instagram and it reminded me of you 💜 you have a life of your own and problems of your own yet you still manage to help us all through ours and you find a way to make us all feel worth it. Just wanted to give you a big THANK YOU for being you 💜 you are amazing and I really appreciate everything you do for all your students. Love you man 😀" It accompanied a picture of a teacher sitting on a driveway 6 feet away from a little girl, reading her a story, because she had a hard time during the Zoom session and was upset because she missed her teacher.
And maybe it's taken a pandemic for them to understand but the themes of many of the messages in the last week or so have been love, gratitude, respect, and calling me a second mom. It is my job to teach them content but it is my privilege to teach them love, kindness, and acceptance. Those lessons are so much more valuable than the state requirements, especially when I see them spreading those lessons like confetti.
Aubs
Over her shoulder one of the boys made eye contact and his hands flew to his mouth in surprise and I keep replaying that in my mind because it was PRICELESS. He met me at the door and hugged me while his brother looked on in disbelief. By the time I got to him, he was crying and I was doing my best to hold it together (I did...barely) and then I promptly grabbed his hand, dragged him outside, and sat next to him on the porch while we talked for 3 hours.
It was where I needed to be. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. Those boys are two of the greatest joys that came out of where I taught last year and the relationships that were built as a result of that last-minute position are things that I treasure so dearly. He said it was just what he needed but I'm here to tell you...he wasn't the only one who needed it.
My weekend was a serious beatdown and he was one of the high points. It was so stressful for reasons I can't really articulate other than, when any of my "kids" are hurting I feel that hurt. I feel it and I can't not think about it.
After swinging by my mom's to drop off some dinner I went home to do a FaceTime tour of my condo for a couple who wanted to see what the inside looked like. I'm not sure how serious they were so I was kind of annoyed but, whatever...not my problem. After that was over I felt unsettled so I got in the car to just drive a little. I drove past my campus and snapped a picture to send to the kids along with an "I miss you!" message and then went to get gas where I ran into a student who works at the gas station. I thought it was her but wasn't sure until she tried to jump off of whatever she was standing on, cleaning, and I said, "DON'T DIE! I'LL WAIT!" Seeing her was also what I needed so I sent another a message and said, "I'll be in your driveway in 5 minutes." Her reply was "OMG, no way" so I spent almost an hour in the driveway talking to her and her brother.
On Sunday I continued the trend of showing the condo (to potential renters) and then driving around while it was being shown by realtors (to potential buyers). One of my other girls sent me a picture of her nephew and I asked if she was at her sister's. She said, "Yes!" so a little while later I said, "Me, too." and sent her a picture of the facade of the house. She flew out the door and I spent an hour talking to her about school and work and family and all sorts of stuff. When I was getting ready to leave she said, "Dubs, I needed this." and I knew exactly what she meant because...me, too.
I reached out to one of my newer students that I got at semester because he also lived nearby. I talk to him regularly, just like the girl I had just visited, so I told him I wouldn't come check on him if he didn't want me to but, surprisingly, he responded with, "I wouldn't mind if you did." so I did! We talked about school and grades and caffeine/coffee and I met his father (literally the last thing he wanted...added bonus for me) and my heart was so full. Even though we've known each other for a short time and we give each other a lot of grief it's because we instantly clicked from the moment he walked in my class and declared that I was psychotic. He later told me he knew he was going to love it as soon as he walked in which is totally reciprocated.
I have a growing list of students I want to driveway visit. I've felt like I wanted to do this for a long time but the main reason I acted on it was because one of my girls sent me a message on Saturday morning that said, "Saw this on Instagram and it reminded me of you 💜 you have a life of your own and problems of your own yet you still manage to help us all through ours and you find a way to make us all feel worth it. Just wanted to give you a big THANK YOU for being you 💜 you are amazing and I really appreciate everything you do for all your students. Love you man 😀" It accompanied a picture of a teacher sitting on a driveway 6 feet away from a little girl, reading her a story, because she had a hard time during the Zoom session and was upset because she missed her teacher.
And maybe it's taken a pandemic for them to understand but the themes of many of the messages in the last week or so have been love, gratitude, respect, and calling me a second mom. It is my job to teach them content but it is my privilege to teach them love, kindness, and acceptance. Those lessons are so much more valuable than the state requirements, especially when I see them spreading those lessons like confetti.
Aubs
Saturday, April 18, 2020
What. A. Week.
As I continually tell ANYONE who will listen, I am a social being. I do not do well with being isolated. I know I am not alone in this because there are plenty of people who willingly disobey the social distancing and shelter in place guidelines in a way that is unsafe. There are also plenty who do their best to push these restrictions to their furthest point, stopping just shy of actually technically breaking them.
Then there are those who are legitimately not leaving their homes/yards at all, not even to go to the store. They may sit outside or garden or water plants (is that the same as gardening? No idea) or check the mail or pick up the newspaper but then they're back in their bubble. Those guys...I have no idea how they do it. Truly. The mere thoughts of never having a change of scenery actually makes me feel a little dead inside but, rule followers? Good on you. You're clearly more dedicated than I am.
I'm having to get out of my house. I drive aimlessly. I go to the store for my mom. I belt out songs in the most passionate and epic car concerts ever. Some of my best work, truly. I think the isolation brings out my inner music artist. And, y'all? She is a hot mess. Brilliant, obviously, but M.E.S.S.
At the end of last week I had a series of days that were pretty rough. Thursday was meltdown city but it wasn't even a full meltdown so I knew another was potentially imminent. Super. Friday I made queso for the one kid who showed up for the Zoom session who's not even in my district (still amazing!) and walked it over to his house. It was a significant day for the family so we sat around and drank a beer to toast someone no longer with us and then I walked home. My sister sent me a text as I was walking that made me concerned that I might not make it home without peeing my pants from laughing so hard but I'm happy to report that I made it.
Since it was kind of cool outside, I went inside to take care of business and then I went back out to enjoy the night: the air, the clear sky, the ability to actually see stars; STARS, not airplanes. I hate being quarantined but man I do love the clear skies at night. It reminds me of camping and so much simpler times. As I was walking around the track, singing along to my playlist and keeping an eye out for bunnies or other "scary" critters one of my students sent me a message about how she was disappointed and needed a pick-me-up. I was juggling a few conversations and mentioned that I was on the track behind my house. It wasn't late...like 9:30 but all of a sudden I had A TON of 16-17-year-old parents. My phone EXPLODED with messages, "9:30 is a little dangerous don't you think?" or "It's not safe to be out that late!" Um, what are we? 80? I thanked my newfound moms and dads and explained I was safe. I even sent pictures/video to show that it was perfectly fine.
And then I sent and "OHMYGOSH! I just saw something!" because I am evil and also easily entertained. When they were all, "OMG, Dubs! Go home! What was it?" I sent a picture of a very scary bunny. I laughed and laughed and it was so good for my soul...but then some more students reached out about less funny problems they were facing and I found myself literally unable to stop walking in circles.
By the time I finally forced myself off the track it was almost 1:00. I couldn't sleep. I was wired, I was worried, and I was worn out but also worked up to where I couldn't calm down, no matter what I did. Hindsight: I wonder if that was a panic attack...no idea. The last time I looked at the clock it was around 5:30 and I was up again at 8:30. In the morning. As in, three hours later.
I guess I was just due for a rough and exhausting week. I'm really hoping I get a pass moving forward.
Aubs
Then there are those who are legitimately not leaving their homes/yards at all, not even to go to the store. They may sit outside or garden or water plants (is that the same as gardening? No idea) or check the mail or pick up the newspaper but then they're back in their bubble. Those guys...I have no idea how they do it. Truly. The mere thoughts of never having a change of scenery actually makes me feel a little dead inside but, rule followers? Good on you. You're clearly more dedicated than I am.
I'm having to get out of my house. I drive aimlessly. I go to the store for my mom. I belt out songs in the most passionate and epic car concerts ever. Some of my best work, truly. I think the isolation brings out my inner music artist. And, y'all? She is a hot mess. Brilliant, obviously, but M.E.S.S.
At the end of last week I had a series of days that were pretty rough. Thursday was meltdown city but it wasn't even a full meltdown so I knew another was potentially imminent. Super. Friday I made queso for the one kid who showed up for the Zoom session who's not even in my district (still amazing!) and walked it over to his house. It was a significant day for the family so we sat around and drank a beer to toast someone no longer with us and then I walked home. My sister sent me a text as I was walking that made me concerned that I might not make it home without peeing my pants from laughing so hard but I'm happy to report that I made it.
Since it was kind of cool outside, I went inside to take care of business and then I went back out to enjoy the night: the air, the clear sky, the ability to actually see stars; STARS, not airplanes. I hate being quarantined but man I do love the clear skies at night. It reminds me of camping and so much simpler times. As I was walking around the track, singing along to my playlist and keeping an eye out for bunnies or other "scary" critters one of my students sent me a message about how she was disappointed and needed a pick-me-up. I was juggling a few conversations and mentioned that I was on the track behind my house. It wasn't late...like 9:30 but all of a sudden I had A TON of 16-17-year-old parents. My phone EXPLODED with messages, "9:30 is a little dangerous don't you think?" or "It's not safe to be out that late!" Um, what are we? 80? I thanked my newfound moms and dads and explained I was safe. I even sent pictures/video to show that it was perfectly fine.
And then I sent and "OHMYGOSH! I just saw something!" because I am evil and also easily entertained. When they were all, "OMG, Dubs! Go home! What was it?" I sent a picture of a very scary bunny. I laughed and laughed and it was so good for my soul...but then some more students reached out about less funny problems they were facing and I found myself literally unable to stop walking in circles.
By the time I finally forced myself off the track it was almost 1:00. I couldn't sleep. I was wired, I was worried, and I was worn out but also worked up to where I couldn't calm down, no matter what I did. Hindsight: I wonder if that was a panic attack...no idea. The last time I looked at the clock it was around 5:30 and I was up again at 8:30. In the morning. As in, three hours later.
I guess I was just due for a rough and exhausting week. I'm really hoping I get a pass moving forward.
Aubs
Thursday, April 16, 2020
Introspection with a side of melancholy
Sometimes you just have those days and I knew I was due for one because it's been a while. By the time I started my first Zoom of the day (where one person logged in for it...and it wasn't even anyone from my district but someone who just wanted to join to "hang out" for a while) I already knew I had a shorter fuse than normal.
By the time I got to my second (and third) meetings of the day I was about to lose my shit over the same phrase that kept getting repeated. I can't even think about it right now because...OH.MY.GOD. The one saving grace was that, between meetings two and three, I made myself go outside and sit in the sun since it's been freakishly cold the last few days. That was a brilliant choice until I went inside to shower and realized I had meeting three in 13 minutes which made me thankful that I was able to attend the meeting without showing my face and slowly drying hair.
My landlord put a potential renter in touch with me so she could see the place (with all necessary precautions, of course) so I reluctantly set up an appointment for 5:30...and at 6:52 she finally texted to say she was busy but she'd just come by tomorrow. Um, no, ma'am. Not my problem. I made arrangements for today and I'm not jumping through any damn hoops. Like I said: short fuse.
By 8:00 I said "screw it" and headed upstairs to go to bed but once I got there I said, "Self, you need to get the eff out of here," so I put on a hoodie and a pair of Nikes and ripped apart the unpacked part of my house looking for a pair of earbuds. I found some Apple earbuds (I hate them; I know, I'm weird. This isn't news) and took off. I just needed to be...not here.
I was gone for an hour and it was like shuffle knew exactly what I needed to hear. It was a ballad kind of night across all the genres that popped up in my "Aubs" playlist with very few skips, which is always a bonus. And as I listened and walked/jogged and spun around as I two-stepped around to a few songs, I felt my mood lift a little bit. Music is such a powerful thing. Anyone who says it isn't hasn't really given musical therapy a try.
But as I let the words, melodies, and memories wash over me something a very wise friend once told me popped into my head. Once upon a time she told me "When you have high highs you have low lows and that's never going to work out. You need to be with someone who's steady and in the middle." and since I'm as single as the day is long I thought about my relationship with myself. My life is full of (self-inflicted) high highs and low lows. Today was a prime example of a bottomed out low...and for what reason? ME.
As I had that epiphany, T-Swift's "Back to December" came on and as I sang along (okay, lie, I belted it like my heart was breaking) I briefly wished I could go back to December and make some different choices. Nothing happened in December, nothing earth-shattering anyway, but how different would life be right now if I made one different decision or set a different goal? I'm never one who wishes they could go back to do anything (realistic anyway...a girl can daydream) but as T-Swift transitioned into Darius Rucker (He'll always be Hootie to me) I was hit with a serious wave of remorse. Remorse for what, I have no idea but I felt every single word of "If I Told You" tonight like it was my freakin' anthem.
I think I just need to fall apart and get it all out but...I'm a bottler. It doesn't work for me to just unload emotion because I only wind up venting words which does help, don't get me wrong, but man. I wish I liked to run. If I could beat the hell out of my body with a depleting run maybe that would help.
I just know that, instead of looking forward to tomorrow being Friday, I really no longer care what day it is. Every single day is the same. There's no differentiation. I feel it. I know my students have been feeling it. And they even frustrated the hell out of me today, so much so that I sent out a message saying next week's meetings were mandatory. They won't follow it or care (this is not melancholy but actual fact) but it was therapeutic for me to voice my disappointment over an online forum. You know...if any of them read it.
They don't care. And I don't blame them, if I'm being 100% honest. This school year has become a crapshoot and they are are not built for or trained to complete this school year in this capacity. I just honestly thought that the relationships we have forged all year would help to propel them forward to some level of success...but based on the level of engagement, buy-in, and interaction, it appears that is too much to ask.
And while that's disappointing as a teacher, their teacher, as a person who's taken the time to get to know them as individuals, it's a total letdown.
And heartbreaking.
Aubs
By the time I got to my second (and third) meetings of the day I was about to lose my shit over the same phrase that kept getting repeated. I can't even think about it right now because...OH.MY.GOD. The one saving grace was that, between meetings two and three, I made myself go outside and sit in the sun since it's been freakishly cold the last few days. That was a brilliant choice until I went inside to shower and realized I had meeting three in 13 minutes which made me thankful that I was able to attend the meeting without showing my face and slowly drying hair.
My landlord put a potential renter in touch with me so she could see the place (with all necessary precautions, of course) so I reluctantly set up an appointment for 5:30...and at 6:52 she finally texted to say she was busy but she'd just come by tomorrow. Um, no, ma'am. Not my problem. I made arrangements for today and I'm not jumping through any damn hoops. Like I said: short fuse.
By 8:00 I said "screw it" and headed upstairs to go to bed but once I got there I said, "Self, you need to get the eff out of here," so I put on a hoodie and a pair of Nikes and ripped apart the unpacked part of my house looking for a pair of earbuds. I found some Apple earbuds (I hate them; I know, I'm weird. This isn't news) and took off. I just needed to be...not here.
I was gone for an hour and it was like shuffle knew exactly what I needed to hear. It was a ballad kind of night across all the genres that popped up in my "Aubs" playlist with very few skips, which is always a bonus. And as I listened and walked/jogged and spun around as I two-stepped around to a few songs, I felt my mood lift a little bit. Music is such a powerful thing. Anyone who says it isn't hasn't really given musical therapy a try.
But as I let the words, melodies, and memories wash over me something a very wise friend once told me popped into my head. Once upon a time she told me "When you have high highs you have low lows and that's never going to work out. You need to be with someone who's steady and in the middle." and since I'm as single as the day is long I thought about my relationship with myself. My life is full of (self-inflicted) high highs and low lows. Today was a prime example of a bottomed out low...and for what reason? ME.
As I had that epiphany, T-Swift's "Back to December" came on and as I sang along (okay, lie, I belted it like my heart was breaking) I briefly wished I could go back to December and make some different choices. Nothing happened in December, nothing earth-shattering anyway, but how different would life be right now if I made one different decision or set a different goal? I'm never one who wishes they could go back to do anything (realistic anyway...a girl can daydream) but as T-Swift transitioned into Darius Rucker (He'll always be Hootie to me) I was hit with a serious wave of remorse. Remorse for what, I have no idea but I felt every single word of "If I Told You" tonight like it was my freakin' anthem.
I think I just need to fall apart and get it all out but...I'm a bottler. It doesn't work for me to just unload emotion because I only wind up venting words which does help, don't get me wrong, but man. I wish I liked to run. If I could beat the hell out of my body with a depleting run maybe that would help.
I just know that, instead of looking forward to tomorrow being Friday, I really no longer care what day it is. Every single day is the same. There's no differentiation. I feel it. I know my students have been feeling it. And they even frustrated the hell out of me today, so much so that I sent out a message saying next week's meetings were mandatory. They won't follow it or care (this is not melancholy but actual fact) but it was therapeutic for me to voice my disappointment over an online forum. You know...if any of them read it.
They don't care. And I don't blame them, if I'm being 100% honest. This school year has become a crapshoot and they are are not built for or trained to complete this school year in this capacity. I just honestly thought that the relationships we have forged all year would help to propel them forward to some level of success...but based on the level of engagement, buy-in, and interaction, it appears that is too much to ask.
And while that's disappointing as a teacher, their teacher, as a person who's taken the time to get to know them as individuals, it's a total letdown.
And heartbreaking.
Aubs
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
Rule Maker, Rule Breaker
If you were to look into my house tonight (without being a total creeper, mind you), you know, like the giant on Mickey's Christmas Carol where he just opens the roof like it has a hinge, then you would see me eating a chocolate croissant in bed at 8:40 p.m. because I make my own rules. One of those rules is to not eat in my bed because...crumbs...but please refer back to the working title of this post and understand that I do what I want.
Speaking of that, today was a weird day. I've been trying to consciously not make a mess as I live my entire life out of my home without leaving (except to get the mail or make the occasional grocery/post office run) because I never know when someone is going to want to come look at this place...like tomorrow at 5:30. I got up super early today and was just messy.
Do you ever have those days? I legitimately could not stop making a mess. I have no idea why. It just kept happening. It was seriously annoying. And then I got on social media between meetings and discovered a meme that personifies several of my students but a couple specifically come to mind. I sent it along and then gleefully derived a new nickname from said meme for one of them. The unveiling went a little something like this:
Me: I have decided to re-nickname you and, before you disagree, you should know that it has already been voted on and passed unanimously...Kermit. I will also call you Kermie for short. With love, Dubs.
Kermit: I do not approve of this Dubs anything but Kermie.
I've burst out laughing each time I've thought about this and it only makes me love it more. This particular muppet (see what I did there) has had an issue with EVERY SINGLE NICKNAME I have tried as a working nickname. There have been three others so the ultimatum has been issued: Kermie or the OG "Mini-Benny."
I have a feeling Kermie's going to LOVE being green.
Today is usually my favorite day because it's the day all baseball players honor Jackie Robinson by wearing 42 on their backs as they play the greatest game ever. Unfortunately our current predicament ensures that ballfields all over the world are empty and so is a piece of my heart. One of my former kids (who knows how much I love this day) sent me a message saying, "Happy J.R. Day! Don't be too sad!" Too late, Pal.
This week seems exponentially long and I feel like, no matter what I do, I'm simply just trying to tread water...and I'm really bad at it. I'm actually not bad at treading water but this water is more oil-based and it's creepy. And probably filled with bird carcasses.
That took a dark turn really quickly.
In an attempt to entertain myself today I also created my own customized shampoo (purple, not green, despite my adoration for the green ones) and dubbed it "dubs." I'm ridiculously excited about this.
I've got so much to do and so little time before I move (my USAA app has a countdown to moving day and the extended tax day, which is also my birthday) so each time I log in to my USAA app for anything I get a banner with countdowns. Chill out, USAA. I don't need looming due dates. I'm not in school (right now). Speaking of...I need to figure out my classes for the summer and handle that.
Oh, good. Something else for my list.
Aubs
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