Thoughts

I really wish I had a better title than that but I don't. That would require thought and effort and my brain is legitimately overflowing with a bunch of emotions and musings. One thing is entirely true, though, and that is that I honestly have no idea.

People text me daily to see what's going on in my district or if I have any kind of inside scoop and I don't. I have a ton of thoughts and opinions but they're not useful because they aren't productive. As a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a human being, I feel all of the emotions everyone else is feeling...and probably then some because I'm super extra. But when you add the teacher component to that then I get annoying. I know this so I pretty much retreat into myself and hide out there. It's pretty chill and there are always snacks.

As a teacher I am frustrated because I do not feel like we are being considered in this reopening of schools. I am one of the first to say that I miss being in the classroom. I miss those delightful blessings that make my days the weirdest they have ever been. I miss talking to them about life and trivial stuff, just like I miss their eyerolls and mockery when I say/do something they pretend to be annoyed with even though they actually find it entertaining and they're just too cool to show it. I miss the learning (again, both them and me) and I miss the sharing, the growing, and the relationship building. The spring was a nightmare for me because I had a lot of moving pieces (literally...I moved, sight unseen in May) and it was really isolating. At this point, though, I'd almost prefer that because I don't feel like this situation is in check. There's a lot of uncertainty and this truly does keep me up at night.

When I go back to school in August I will no longer be able to see my family. That's not dramatic; it's factual. My younger son will be in school where his dad lives. My older son will be working two jobs and going to college. My mother has cancer. The rest of my family isn't local so I wouldn't see them on any given day/weekend anyway. Being back at school means I have to find alternatives for emergency situations with my mom. I can still be her medical power of attorney from afar but I can't really pop in to drop off supplies or say "hey" when she's had a hard week and needs some human interaction.

When I go back in August it will not matter if I am teaching a class full of students or if I am teaching to an empty room with students at home (which, for the record, would be super depressing) because I will be exposed to this stuff daily. I will get it, if I haven't already unknowingly had it, or be a carrier of it, at the very least. It will mean absolute isolation and that freaks me out because I am, by and large, a people person. People are my jam. Add to that a new administrator, new team members, and a very different look to the school year...and it's overwhelming. None of these changes are small ones; in fact, each one drastically alters the status quo that has been established. Maybe that's a good thing but it's an awful lot to consider all at once. Imagine how someone who's not as "me" is feeling right about now.

The biggest slap in the face, I think, is how teachers are being disregarded from the decision-making process. Schools need to open because parents need to get back to work; they can't work from home effectively with their kids around (I get this, I promise) and kids learn better in a routine environment. None of this is wrong. BUT. Teachers went digital with no notice in the spring. Was it perfect? Far from it. We had no time to prepare. Was it functional? Yes, at the most basic level it was definitely that. I was unable to track down all of my students but I was still able to check on them through others. The majority of my kids didn't do their work during the spring. They weren't lazy; far from it. They worked 2-3 jobs and, when they weren't working, they were taking care of siblings so others in the household could work. Very few of my kids just "did nothing" for the spring.

So now, as districts are asked with figuring out how to kickstart a new school year where essentially everyone is behind...all of the precaution and concern is on making campuses safe for the students and I don't disagree with this idea at all, HOWEVER, I'd also like to be considered in these safety plans and I know I'm not the only one. Ask us. You might find our answer surprise you.

Except don't ask me what I think about going back or how I think it'll work because I have no idea. If you were to ask, "Hey, Aubrey, how do you feel about going back to school? Is there anything I can do to help?" I guarantee I'd have a list of ways, not just for me, but for a lot of us.

We're uncertain. We're afraid. We don't want to get sick or get one of our loved ones sick. We don't want to feel guilt if one of our students gets sick...or worse (I can't speak for everyone but I'd drive myself insane wondering if I could've done anything else). And, most of all, I don't want anyone to feel guilt or hurt or pain if something were to happen to me.

How does a kid come back from that? How does ANYONE?

I swear I'll be more upbeat next time. Probably. Maybe.

Aubs