Like most, I enjoy life so much more when I have a plan. I almost always take great detours from these plans but at least there's an initial jumping off point. Artistic liberties are all well and good (I take a lot of them) but I like to have a very basic plan in place so I feel like I've at least accomplished something. You know, like when you make your bed in the morning so at least you know you've accomplished one thing before the rest of your day takes a downward spiral? Except then I read that making your bed actually traps dust mites and other nasty stuff so being a slob is actually healthy. Who knew?!
Just don't tell my kids. They'll be all "Challenge: ACCEPTED" to up their slob game and I can't deal. Of course, I'm also looking for a place to live where they will be guests instead of daily inhabitants so my life is about to get really weird. I've been trying to talk it up for a while now but it just feels...empty.
Anyway, I went on an adventure today. My quest? To find toilet paper for my mom. Someone posted on social media that there was some at a Mexican grocery store in the next town so I took off and scored some. Now, every time anyone uses toilet paper at her house they'll basically become bilingual. It's very fancy.
In a ploy to get her out of the house (she's stir crazy but we agree she doesn't really need to GO anywhere) I asked her if she wanted to come pick it up from my house because it's not her house and she readily agreed. When she came over I asked her to be my secretary and jot down a list of things I needed to do, first and foremost, to make my house ready to show. I threw a bunch of stuff in the dumpster and organized boxes until I ran out of packing tape and then I put her to work looking up apartments.
She asked a bunch of questions, I answered them, and then I got into the idea of looking for apartments so we left to drive around. You know, as it was getting dark and starting to rain, aka the perfect time to go look at complexes and get a feel for the area. (insert eye roll here)
We made our way through the area that I had designated as potential prospects and made a few notes...jotted some more names down, scratched some off (although she was sneaky and just made "probably not but still look them up" notes on them instead of them being "dead to me" like I might've said once or twice). It was fun, just driving around and trying to figure out where in the heck the leasing offices actually were because...I don't know, man...apartment complexes have doubled in size. Either that or my last one, 5 years ago, was really small. Wow, has it really been 5 years since I've lived in an apartment? I don't miss it...except for the speedy maintenance service.
I came home and went through the list, looking for floorplans, availability, and price. Then I emailed my apartment locator guy, gave him my thoughts, and said, "It's in your hands now. No pressure." or something like that.
We'll see if he responds. It does seem entirely likely that I will not get to see or tour even the office of anywhere I move in May, IF I even get to move because of this whole pandemic.
It's weird.
Aubs
Saturday, March 21, 2020
Friday, March 20, 2020
Day 8 of 24
When I wake up each morning my mind immediately scrambles for the day; not the day of the week, not the date, but the number. Today is day 8 of 24, minimum. While we're only 1/3 of the way through this hot mess it's still way better than when it was day 3. Baby steps.
Today was also a huge day for the majority of my kids. Today the College Board released how they intend to test my kids for college credit. I understand that it is a business and to cancel altogether would require massive refunds worldwide but man...I'd be lying if I didn't say this decision didn't put a lot more pressure on my kids. Luckily, the exam is abbreviated, in more ways that one. It's much shorter (hooray!) but it also only includes writing, which is something that terrifies my students, partially because I am considered a harsh grader (even though I'm quite lenient) and partially because they don't have a strong foundation of AP History writing.
This is the new normal so we've been working on it as best we can. I have seen some improvements this year so I am proud of their individual efforts. They surprise and impress me every day, which is why I get so frustrated when they respond to the announcement with "Oh great, I'm going to fail."
Switching from my Dubs hat to my Aubs hat: My biggest kid has been over for a couple of nights. The premise of his stay is to clean, organize, and weed out all of the crap in his room. What it has been is a lot of record playing, Pokemon watching, food eating, and sloth-like behavior. And man, I get it. The kid's been working nonstop (God bless delivery drivers) and I know he's exhausted but it took a long time to make this mess and it's going to take exponentially longer to clean it all up and get it ready to move.
So, I did it. Well, I made a huge, 4 hour dent in it because I couldn't just sit there and stare any longer. I started filling and labeling boxes. Then I took stuff off the walls. There is now a huge mountain of laundry (because you can't pack things into boxes that are dirty...that's just gross) and there is visible progress, which makes me feel some satisfaction.
BECAUSE THE CLOCK IS TICKING. And I am starting to stress out. And, when I stress out, I want to do what I have to do even less than I wanted to do it before. So, teenagers, I get it way more than you think I do. Once again.
Also, what's up with the freakin' weather? I mean, it's typical Texas, but I'm really getting tired of the damn roller coaster. Hey, Mother Nature...we've got enough going on here without you being super extra. I literally feel like I'm living in a Katy Perry song: I'm hot, then I'm cold (weather), it's yes then it's no (then yes again...AP exam), I'm in then I'm out (school/no school), it's up then it's down...must I continue? I totally can. It's not like I have anything else to do...besides pack. Nope. I don't want to.
I guess it's better than discussing the availability of toilet paper in my immediate area. Spoiler alert: it isn't.
This is such a crazy time. I really couldn't make it up if I tried. Nobody could. Speaking of: Yesterday the biggest mind-blowing moment was when someone told me to Google the name of the kingdom Rapunzel lives in in Tangled. You know, she's basically quarantined by her "mother" in the kingdom of Corona. What. The. Hell.
Hanging in there but starting to lose my mind. Some would say it's a short trip.
Aubs
Today was also a huge day for the majority of my kids. Today the College Board released how they intend to test my kids for college credit. I understand that it is a business and to cancel altogether would require massive refunds worldwide but man...I'd be lying if I didn't say this decision didn't put a lot more pressure on my kids. Luckily, the exam is abbreviated, in more ways that one. It's much shorter (hooray!) but it also only includes writing, which is something that terrifies my students, partially because I am considered a harsh grader (even though I'm quite lenient) and partially because they don't have a strong foundation of AP History writing.
This is the new normal so we've been working on it as best we can. I have seen some improvements this year so I am proud of their individual efforts. They surprise and impress me every day, which is why I get so frustrated when they respond to the announcement with "Oh great, I'm going to fail."
Switching from my Dubs hat to my Aubs hat: My biggest kid has been over for a couple of nights. The premise of his stay is to clean, organize, and weed out all of the crap in his room. What it has been is a lot of record playing, Pokemon watching, food eating, and sloth-like behavior. And man, I get it. The kid's been working nonstop (God bless delivery drivers) and I know he's exhausted but it took a long time to make this mess and it's going to take exponentially longer to clean it all up and get it ready to move.
So, I did it. Well, I made a huge, 4 hour dent in it because I couldn't just sit there and stare any longer. I started filling and labeling boxes. Then I took stuff off the walls. There is now a huge mountain of laundry (because you can't pack things into boxes that are dirty...that's just gross) and there is visible progress, which makes me feel some satisfaction.
BECAUSE THE CLOCK IS TICKING. And I am starting to stress out. And, when I stress out, I want to do what I have to do even less than I wanted to do it before. So, teenagers, I get it way more than you think I do. Once again.
Also, what's up with the freakin' weather? I mean, it's typical Texas, but I'm really getting tired of the damn roller coaster. Hey, Mother Nature...we've got enough going on here without you being super extra. I literally feel like I'm living in a Katy Perry song: I'm hot, then I'm cold (weather), it's yes then it's no (then yes again...AP exam), I'm in then I'm out (school/no school), it's up then it's down...must I continue? I totally can. It's not like I have anything else to do...besides pack. Nope. I don't want to.
I guess it's better than discussing the availability of toilet paper in my immediate area. Spoiler alert: it isn't.
This is such a crazy time. I really couldn't make it up if I tried. Nobody could. Speaking of: Yesterday the biggest mind-blowing moment was when someone told me to Google the name of the kingdom Rapunzel lives in in Tangled. You know, she's basically quarantined by her "mother" in the kingdom of Corona. What. The. Hell.
Hanging in there but starting to lose my mind. Some would say it's a short trip.
Aubs
Thursday, March 19, 2020
Netflix Obsessions
I often get recommendations from my family members and friends. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they're just "meh." I told my students this year to flood me with things I should watch on Netflix and Hulu and Prime, partially because their justifications for it make me laugh but also because I get a lot of intel about them with their suggestions.
Interestingly, my work bestie was the one who gave me the recommendation to watch "On My Block" on Netflix. I watched an episode, publicly declared my obsession, and proceeded to binge. If you haven't seen it...watch it. It's a coming of age "DeGrassi-esque" show with the most awesome mix of main characters. I'm torn between which of the characters I love the most because they all have their amazing qualities but I'm here to say that Abuelita is the most amazing character on that show. They all love her and they all tell her everything and she's always there for them.
If they called me Abuelita (ONLY referencing her character...I'm not THAT old, sheesh!) then I would happily accept that nickname. Anyway, OMB is one of those where you laugh, you cry, and then you get super pissed. SO. PISSED. That's all I have to say about that. There better be a 4th season. Okay. Now that's really all I have to say about it. Probably. But watch it. It's freaking great!
Several darlings also suggested "All American," also on Netflix. This is a large departure from my lengthy and deep true crime binge. I have learned so much about where and how to effectively hide a body, so these dramas filled with teenage angst remind me exactly of what I'm missing by not being in school right now. Except, you know...I don't actually have to deal with said teenage angst so that's a huge bonus. I can yell at the tv, turn it off in frustration, and then immediately go back to it.
I spent a little while video chatting with a couple of my girls from school today. They are two that I often worry about; both are bottlers of their emotions (like I am) and, even though I know this is technically spring break, it's day 7 of 24 and we are not okay.
My doorbell kept going crazy today and I realized that my landlord had his realtor place a sign in front of it and people who are interested have absolutely no qualms about trying to peek in the windows. Qualms is a great word.
Tomorrow I will start packing boxes. Maybe. Or I will finish recording the book I didn't finish today. Possibly. Or I won't do any of it.
Living my best life...in a bubble because I'm being forced to even though the bubble life is NOT the best life.
Aubs
Interestingly, my work bestie was the one who gave me the recommendation to watch "On My Block" on Netflix. I watched an episode, publicly declared my obsession, and proceeded to binge. If you haven't seen it...watch it. It's a coming of age "DeGrassi-esque" show with the most awesome mix of main characters. I'm torn between which of the characters I love the most because they all have their amazing qualities but I'm here to say that Abuelita is the most amazing character on that show. They all love her and they all tell her everything and she's always there for them.
If they called me Abuelita (ONLY referencing her character...I'm not THAT old, sheesh!) then I would happily accept that nickname. Anyway, OMB is one of those where you laugh, you cry, and then you get super pissed. SO. PISSED. That's all I have to say about that. There better be a 4th season. Okay. Now that's really all I have to say about it. Probably. But watch it. It's freaking great!
Several darlings also suggested "All American," also on Netflix. This is a large departure from my lengthy and deep true crime binge. I have learned so much about where and how to effectively hide a body, so these dramas filled with teenage angst remind me exactly of what I'm missing by not being in school right now. Except, you know...I don't actually have to deal with said teenage angst so that's a huge bonus. I can yell at the tv, turn it off in frustration, and then immediately go back to it.
I spent a little while video chatting with a couple of my girls from school today. They are two that I often worry about; both are bottlers of their emotions (like I am) and, even though I know this is technically spring break, it's day 7 of 24 and we are not okay.
My doorbell kept going crazy today and I realized that my landlord had his realtor place a sign in front of it and people who are interested have absolutely no qualms about trying to peek in the windows. Qualms is a great word.
Tomorrow I will start packing boxes. Maybe. Or I will finish recording the book I didn't finish today. Possibly. Or I won't do any of it.
Living my best life...in a bubble because I'm being forced to even though the bubble life is NOT the best life.
Aubs
Wednesday, March 18, 2020
Sometimes the dam just breaks...
Today was just a rough day.
I woke up to an email from the sweet guy who owns the condo I rent. He and his family have been living in another country for a couple of years and I figured it was an email asking if I intended to renew, something he's asked me before but I wasn't sure about just yet. Instead it detailed an emergent situation that required him to place the condo on the market really quickly and also included his deepest apologies.
And, because he is such a wonderful man, I know his words were genuine but that didn't stop them from hitting me in the temple like a fastball screaming down a baseline. Yeah, I totally mixed a bunch of analogies there but just go with it. I don't even know right now.
I'm just surviving today.
So now I have a very SMALL finite amount of time to get started (and finished) with packing, clean up enough for my condo to be shown, and find another place. No big deal, right? Except...CORONA.
This damn virus is really pissing me off today. You know what it's hard to do? Find an apartment when you're practicing social distancing. You know what else is not on my top ten list? Having people traipsing in and out of your condo while you're trying to teach because...digital/distance learning starts next week. And to top it off, I'm really not thrilled with the idea of randoms coming into my condo with whatever germs they might have, germs that I might unknowingly pass along to my mother who gets chemo once a week.
I'm sure it's all fine.
Then, I talked to my youngest today. He's at his dad's right now and we've been trying to work out a time he can come back because I miss the crap out of him but then my town announced that another person in our community has tested positive for..you guessed it...and now my kid is afraid to come to my house because he doesn't want to get sick. In his defense, he's really good at getting the most obscure illnesses anyway so I understand his concern but it doesn't make me miss him any less.
When I told him I felt like him coming to visit was the equivalent of the dollar dangling from the fishing pole in the State Farm commercials, he laughed, swore it wasn't like that, and told me he loved me.
And that's when the damn dam broke. I lost it. I went temporarily insane. I sobbed and sobbed and dry heaved and sobbed some more. I let myself cry because I miss my own kids and I let myself cry because I miss my school kids and I let myself cry because I don't know when I'll see any of them again. I let myself cry because I really hate moving and I don't even know what's going on with my job and where I'll live next and what I'll do if this dang quarantine continues for the remainder of the year or into the summer.
Freaking CORONA won the battle today. It beat me down and I let it because I am human and that's okay. But I'll be damned if I let it win the war. I'm way too stubborn for that to happen.
I also started recording an audiobook for my regular classes. As I replayed pieces of it to check for volume I was like, "Ew, is that how I really sound? YIKES." Sorry, kids. I was going to take my time and just read four chapters a day to upload...but a few hours later, my throat is dry and I've made it halfway through the book. So while part of me is proud of myself for productivity (read: avoidance), the other part of me is all, "Pace yourself, sister."
Today I just feel all kinds of defeated. I feel isolated just like I told my kids they might as they venture into this next chapter. I hate it and the urge to cry nonstop has not fully dissipated but I know it will...eventually. Hopefully by tomorrow because I'm not about to have two trainwreck days in a row, or even in the same week. I don't have time for that.
I have boxes to pack...apparently. Meh.
Aubs
Tuesday, March 17, 2020
Lasagna
In case you were curious...lasagna is totally my love language. It takes time to prepare and it's cheesy deliciousness makes my heart happy while also clogging my arteries but I'm sure it's fine. To not enjoy lasagna would mean not living my best life and I am all about living my best life, even if that "best" life is less than best right now because it's more like "bubble life is the only option for life which will EVENTUALLY lead to my best life, bubble free," but that's really long so let's just stick to "Lasagna life is the best life."
Friends of mine who teach in Kansas just found out that they will not see their kids, in person, for the remainder of the 2019-2020 school year. My heart is broken for them and their grief is palpable. I feel it so deeply for them because the threat of it happening where I live is also incredibly real and, since I do everything "all in," I will be totally destroyed if I don't see my kids again this year.
In fact, I wrote each group a letter yesterday that had me in tears and not even the cute, eyes are filling up, oh no...there goes a lone tear, tears. They were ugly and puffy and soul-shattering. Not my finest moment but definitely one of the realest ones.
Today I tracked down eggs because I feel like stress baking. The downside is my AP kids will not benefit from my stress and said baked goods will just sit here and go to waste. Maybe I'll freeze them...and then, if we ever get to see each other again, I can be all, "Here, these are from day 5 of 7.3 trillion days of social distancing. They might break your teeth but I thought of you when I made them so it's endearing."
Last night I broke the rules and went over to my framily's house for human interaction and also to see my bestie for the restie, Bo Jackson Rodman, the sweetest labradoodle you'll ever know. Well, you don't know him but I do so just trust me on this one. We made lasagna, we worked on a puzzle, we talked about current events and I became the source for news and information (which is HILARIOUS, y'all), and then we went upstairs to watch 1917. Bo was riveted.
Okay, so maybe not...but he stayed still for pretty much the entire movie and everyone who was watching stayed awake, which is actually something to write home about. Usually 1/4 of us falls asleep really fast and another 1/4 isn't too far behind the first one and then the others finish the movie, discuss it, and get snacks before the others wake up and ask, "What did I miss?" Like clockwork. Every. Single. Time. It's the little (read: normal) things that bring joy and happiness these days.
You know what else would bring joy and happiness? School. Yeah, I know. But at this point, even though we're on spring break, and not even extended spring break, if you were to poll my school kids, most of them would say they'd rather be there. AND SO WOULD I. They don't come to me for cheerleading and positivity. They come to me because they know I won't lie to them and I won't sugarcoat what's going on. Are we going back to school? I don't know but when I know, so will they.
Until then I'm consuming copious amounts of coffee which is probably problematic in the long run, but what do I have to do? Oh, that's right.
Nothing.
Aubs
Friends of mine who teach in Kansas just found out that they will not see their kids, in person, for the remainder of the 2019-2020 school year. My heart is broken for them and their grief is palpable. I feel it so deeply for them because the threat of it happening where I live is also incredibly real and, since I do everything "all in," I will be totally destroyed if I don't see my kids again this year.
In fact, I wrote each group a letter yesterday that had me in tears and not even the cute, eyes are filling up, oh no...there goes a lone tear, tears. They were ugly and puffy and soul-shattering. Not my finest moment but definitely one of the realest ones.
Today I tracked down eggs because I feel like stress baking. The downside is my AP kids will not benefit from my stress and said baked goods will just sit here and go to waste. Maybe I'll freeze them...and then, if we ever get to see each other again, I can be all, "Here, these are from day 5 of 7.3 trillion days of social distancing. They might break your teeth but I thought of you when I made them so it's endearing."
Last night I broke the rules and went over to my framily's house for human interaction and also to see my bestie for the restie, Bo Jackson Rodman, the sweetest labradoodle you'll ever know. Well, you don't know him but I do so just trust me on this one. We made lasagna, we worked on a puzzle, we talked about current events and I became the source for news and information (which is HILARIOUS, y'all), and then we went upstairs to watch 1917. Bo was riveted.
You know what else would bring joy and happiness? School. Yeah, I know. But at this point, even though we're on spring break, and not even extended spring break, if you were to poll my school kids, most of them would say they'd rather be there. AND SO WOULD I. They don't come to me for cheerleading and positivity. They come to me because they know I won't lie to them and I won't sugarcoat what's going on. Are we going back to school? I don't know but when I know, so will they.
Until then I'm consuming copious amounts of coffee which is probably problematic in the long run, but what do I have to do? Oh, that's right.
Nothing.
Aubs
Monday, March 16, 2020
I just like normal. This is not normal.
Since I've already lost track of the days being on an extended break I was surprised to wake up to a ton of alerts about Governor Abbott waiving all EOC/STAAR tests for the year. I mean, I knew it was probably coming but I wasn't necessarily expecting it to be announced quite so soon. There is very little, if any, continuity between districts and that causes even more chaos. The district where I live extended their spring break by a week (3/20), my younger son's district extended by two weeks, (3/27) and the district where I work just started spring break and has already extended two weeks beyond that (4/6). All of this is contingent upon what comes next: will there be more extensions and will they become equal for the state? It's hard to tell...but it worries me...a lot.
I know my boys are fine. What I worry about is my school kids. I truly do love them all, even (and also especially) the ones that drive me crazy on a semi-regular basis. I love the challenge they bring to my life and I love how I've started to see tiny cracks in their facades because it shows me that I am getting through to them. I worry about my students in regular classes who fail to see this pandemic for what it is, the ones who are pumped about a super long spring break/summer and continue to live their lives in a way that is the exact opposite of what is being passed along by all levels of government and the CDC. I worry about my AP kids who want to take this test that might not happen anymore. The latest on that front is that the College Board is looking at resources for students and potentially working on an online, at home exam option. The main issue with that is the lack of reliable internet. In these dark times (I wrote that in Hagrid's voice..."It was dark times, Harry, dark times.") I don't want my kids to have to worry about anything else because they worry about so much.
So now we wait. And as we wait I continue to ignore the fact that I need to clean my house (sigh) and begin to pack boxes to move in May (double sigh) and instead choose to dwell on the fact that it's really hard to imagine not seeing the people you've seen on a daily basis since August anymore. I was so excited to start working in a district where I thought I would truly be able to make a difference. When it actually began, however, I was completely unsure I was in the right place. I doubted myself for months. Things would start to fall into place and then I'd find myself facing the deepest doubt yet. It was hard to get up and go to work each morning but I did it, partially because I am a grownup with bills to pay and partially because I knew I was an example whether I liked it or not. And then a crazy thing happened: it started to get easier. I started to be happy to go back to work on Monday mornings. More students started buying into my class and giving me a chance. By the time we hit the end of the first semester and I found out I was losing a regular class period to pick up another AP class I was devastated.
When the second semester began I was super-apprehensive of this new AP class because the APUSH teacher and I are very different. (We get along and speak in our own language of song/movie quotes and stay on similar pacing but our activities and delivery are often quite different.) I was nervous...like first day of school nervous, and now I feel like I've been cheated by not having them all year long. They are challenging and creative and entertaining in ways that are reminiscent of students I've taught in the past, and I feel like we were able to pick up and move forward without skipping a beat. I can't imagine not having them now...
***THIS PART IS PURE SPECULATION ON MY PART.*** But the thing is this whole pandemic makes me fearful that I won't have them again. With districts continuing to push their "digital/distance learning" dates further and further back, the end of the school year seems like it's already passed. If Thursday was the last day I will see my students this year then I am utterly heartbroken. My district is already scheduled to return the first full week in April. Districts in other parts of the country are out for 6-8 weeks and I can only assume that Texas will continue that trend once more information becomes available. With the CDC recommending that groups of 50 or more cease meeting for 8 weeks, it only stands to reason that school districts will eventually be included in that recommendation (they are not currently). With the end of the school year falling at the end of May and state testing ceasing to exist, what is the actual point? I hate it because I truly love what I do and there's such a sense of uncertainty. I haven't been formally observed for my probationary contract as a new employee of this district. My contract hasn't been renewed. I won't have any "data" to speak of without these tests that show I am good at what I do. It's all so uncertain and that's what makes me nervous. ***THIS ENDS THE PURE SPECULATION SECTION OF MY MUSINGS.***
Waiting is the hardest part and since this is our spring break I am trying not to be a pain the butt to my students by sending out daily updates but so much of it is self-serving. I am one who needs human contact. I can lose myself in a world of streaming television, books, social media, etc., just as easily as the next person but I cannot do it for days on end. If you're keeping track (Lord knows I am) this is day 4 of (minimum) 24 and I'm already feeling an utter sense of chaos, lack of self-motivation, and complete uselessness. If I, as a competent and fairly "together" adult, am feeling this way it causes me physical pain to imagine how my 176 precious treasures are faring right now. A break is healthy and a great way to recharge and relax but human beings need structure and a plan.
I'm not doing well with social distancing. I hate not being around my own kids because this seems like it would be a mixture of happier and more stressful with them around. I despise not being around my school kids because I'm not sure who needs whom more at this point...but it might be that I need them more. I just like normal. This is not normal.
This just feels like total chaos, like the tornado in The Wizard of Oz has picked all of us up and is just tossing us around until we're all so discombobulated that we don't know which way is up when we land.
Ironically, my coffee cup of the day is "Toto...I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." I couldn't have planned that if I tried.
Aubs
I know my boys are fine. What I worry about is my school kids. I truly do love them all, even (and also especially) the ones that drive me crazy on a semi-regular basis. I love the challenge they bring to my life and I love how I've started to see tiny cracks in their facades because it shows me that I am getting through to them. I worry about my students in regular classes who fail to see this pandemic for what it is, the ones who are pumped about a super long spring break/summer and continue to live their lives in a way that is the exact opposite of what is being passed along by all levels of government and the CDC. I worry about my AP kids who want to take this test that might not happen anymore. The latest on that front is that the College Board is looking at resources for students and potentially working on an online, at home exam option. The main issue with that is the lack of reliable internet. In these dark times (I wrote that in Hagrid's voice..."It was dark times, Harry, dark times.") I don't want my kids to have to worry about anything else because they worry about so much.
So now we wait. And as we wait I continue to ignore the fact that I need to clean my house (sigh) and begin to pack boxes to move in May (double sigh) and instead choose to dwell on the fact that it's really hard to imagine not seeing the people you've seen on a daily basis since August anymore. I was so excited to start working in a district where I thought I would truly be able to make a difference. When it actually began, however, I was completely unsure I was in the right place. I doubted myself for months. Things would start to fall into place and then I'd find myself facing the deepest doubt yet. It was hard to get up and go to work each morning but I did it, partially because I am a grownup with bills to pay and partially because I knew I was an example whether I liked it or not. And then a crazy thing happened: it started to get easier. I started to be happy to go back to work on Monday mornings. More students started buying into my class and giving me a chance. By the time we hit the end of the first semester and I found out I was losing a regular class period to pick up another AP class I was devastated.
When the second semester began I was super-apprehensive of this new AP class because the APUSH teacher and I are very different. (We get along and speak in our own language of song/movie quotes and stay on similar pacing but our activities and delivery are often quite different.) I was nervous...like first day of school nervous, and now I feel like I've been cheated by not having them all year long. They are challenging and creative and entertaining in ways that are reminiscent of students I've taught in the past, and I feel like we were able to pick up and move forward without skipping a beat. I can't imagine not having them now...
***THIS PART IS PURE SPECULATION ON MY PART.*** But the thing is this whole pandemic makes me fearful that I won't have them again. With districts continuing to push their "digital/distance learning" dates further and further back, the end of the school year seems like it's already passed. If Thursday was the last day I will see my students this year then I am utterly heartbroken. My district is already scheduled to return the first full week in April. Districts in other parts of the country are out for 6-8 weeks and I can only assume that Texas will continue that trend once more information becomes available. With the CDC recommending that groups of 50 or more cease meeting for 8 weeks, it only stands to reason that school districts will eventually be included in that recommendation (they are not currently). With the end of the school year falling at the end of May and state testing ceasing to exist, what is the actual point? I hate it because I truly love what I do and there's such a sense of uncertainty. I haven't been formally observed for my probationary contract as a new employee of this district. My contract hasn't been renewed. I won't have any "data" to speak of without these tests that show I am good at what I do. It's all so uncertain and that's what makes me nervous. ***THIS ENDS THE PURE SPECULATION SECTION OF MY MUSINGS.***
Waiting is the hardest part and since this is our spring break I am trying not to be a pain the butt to my students by sending out daily updates but so much of it is self-serving. I am one who needs human contact. I can lose myself in a world of streaming television, books, social media, etc., just as easily as the next person but I cannot do it for days on end. If you're keeping track (Lord knows I am) this is day 4 of (minimum) 24 and I'm already feeling an utter sense of chaos, lack of self-motivation, and complete uselessness. If I, as a competent and fairly "together" adult, am feeling this way it causes me physical pain to imagine how my 176 precious treasures are faring right now. A break is healthy and a great way to recharge and relax but human beings need structure and a plan.
I'm not doing well with social distancing. I hate not being around my own kids because this seems like it would be a mixture of happier and more stressful with them around. I despise not being around my school kids because I'm not sure who needs whom more at this point...but it might be that I need them more. I just like normal. This is not normal.
This just feels like total chaos, like the tornado in The Wizard of Oz has picked all of us up and is just tossing us around until we're all so discombobulated that we don't know which way is up when we land.
Ironically, my coffee cup of the day is "Toto...I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." I couldn't have planned that if I tried.
Aubs
Sunday, March 15, 2020
Social Distancing: How it's Driving Me Crazy
First, let me tell you...if you were to ask my students (who already think I'm psychotic on most days) they would tell you that "crazy" isn't a far trip for me. I'm not saying they're right; I'm just saying I'm not what they're used to and that makes me pretty dang proud of myself.
Whether it's the kid who tells me, "I don't know how to read you. I can't figure you out." or the several who reach out to me via our messaging system about things that are going on in their lives, I know that I am making an impact in their lives and, let's be real...that's the reason I do what I do: to make a difference and to make sure my kids know that I've got them, always.
This might come as a shock but I am a very social person. I enjoy meeting new people, talking to them and getting to know them, learning new things, and laughing. I love laughing. And rolling my eyes. As a teacher of high school students I do this frequently. Oh! And deadpan stares. I'm REALLY good at that one these days. So when my district opted to close for 24 days (including 11 days of Spring Break) my immediate thought was "I'm going to die (without social interaction)." It's a good thing I'm not dramatic.
No, if I'm being real my first thought was "What are my kids going to do?" So many of them look forward to coming to school to socialize as well as learn. So many of them come to school for love and acceptance and acknowledgement of their existence. When the information was sent to staff I did the first thing that came to mind: I made a video. I promised my kids I would let them know as soon as I knew anything and I will do whatever I need to do to make sure I fulfill these promises. The main issue was that I was in the longest, slowest-moving line ever at a grocery store I never go to because I branched out since "Mexican grocery stores never run out of stuff," per my students. While they weren't entirely wrong, there was a whole lot of chaos going on so it took a while for me to send the video. So, there I am: glasses, absolutely no makeup, wearing a hat to hide my identity in case I am recognized, in the parking lot of the grocery store, on take two of the video (because I didn't like my face in take one...honesty is the best policy) and I'm finally wrapping it up when "IT" happens. A bird lands on the hood of my car. I'm about to hit the button to stop recording but then I see the shiny, irridescent, creepy eye of a crow staring at me and I dropped my phone, hitting the stop button in the process. I'm glad because I think I'd have to do a third take if I threw up on video.
Then my kids started responding and I love that they respond to me. I love that they aren't afraid to tell me what they have on their minds: their fears, their concerns, their excitement, their joy, their...anything. I know that trust doesn't come easily and I am so grateful that I have gained that trust. It took work. It took vulnerability on my part, not to mention perseverance, and it's always a work in progress but those kids, man...they make my job not seem like a job.
And then there are the delightful blessings who immediately respond to say, "WE HAVE THREE WEEKS FOR SPRING BREAK?!" and I'm mentally bashing my head into the window as I reply, "No, dear one...you're doing distance learning so we don't have to go to school in June. You DO have to participate as best you can." Another says, "Yeah, so my internet just got shut off, so I guess I can't participate," to which I reply, "You know I teach your sister, too, right? And you know she'll take care of her responsibilities, so perhaps you should work to get your stories straight." And while it's sometimes exasperating it is almost always entertaining so I just laugh and remember how grateful I am that they do reach out and just talk to me.
There are others who are hesitant to admit it out loud but I know they are bummed about not being in school for three weeks. It's so much more than a place to get an education. It's where they go to belong or to excel. Because of that, and also because I literally can't imagine zero contact for three weeks, I am firing up the Remind with daily messages (nothing new) and working to set up a Zoom account to do video conferencing, discussions, and other interactive lessons. Some will do the work because they are motivated and some will show up solely for entertainment. Sometimes I'm boring but most of them will say they show up because they never know what I'm going to do next. It's all part of the "Dubs" experience! :)
Truth be told, though, I am concerned about this whole pandemic, not because of the illness but because of the dramatic change in routine. I am concerned for those who will lose sight of the end game during this hiatus from daily routines. I am concerned for those who are already stressing themselves out about tests in May because the majority of my kids are doubly tested in the same week with state testing and AP exams. This is hugely detrimental to my AP classes but they are not the only students who are in this boat. If we only get through the 1920s, then that's what we can do. The AP exam will be scaled accordingly. This is a huge plot-twist but it is also an amazing way to incorporate the fact that we are constantly living history in our daily lives. Someday they will be able to tell their children and grandchildren how they lived through a pandemic when they were juniors in high school: where they were, how they felt, what they experienced. That is the most valuable lesson in all of this, I think. As a teacher, I hate not being in the classroom with my kids. I hate breaking routine and I miss them terribly...even though it's basically been a normal weekend, it's the fact that I know this "weekend" is multiplied several times over and that is where I struggle. I'd argue some of them are struggling with it, too.
It's day 3 of 24 and I'm bored out of my mind but it's fine..it's fine...it's fine. Probably. I have everything I need and my own boys have everything they need but I do worry about whether all of my school kids have what they need. Several of them have sent scholarship essays to me so I can read and help to edit them and, I must say, it's been fun learning about what people would see if they were to do an internet search on them in 30 years.
So, in an attempt to maintain normalcy, I continue to send musings, articles, and fun facts. I suggest and accept recommendations for things to watch, read, and eat. I reveal far more of my nerdy side than I ever intended but it's all part of my charm. Or something. I swear it's endearing.
HOWEVER, I am seriously regretting saying "Bubble life is the best life" over and over last week. I was referring to the United States and its stance on isolationism...NOT THIS HOT MESS.
I'm bored. Help!
Aubs
Whether it's the kid who tells me, "I don't know how to read you. I can't figure you out." or the several who reach out to me via our messaging system about things that are going on in their lives, I know that I am making an impact in their lives and, let's be real...that's the reason I do what I do: to make a difference and to make sure my kids know that I've got them, always.
This might come as a shock but I am a very social person. I enjoy meeting new people, talking to them and getting to know them, learning new things, and laughing. I love laughing. And rolling my eyes. As a teacher of high school students I do this frequently. Oh! And deadpan stares. I'm REALLY good at that one these days. So when my district opted to close for 24 days (including 11 days of Spring Break) my immediate thought was "I'm going to die (without social interaction)." It's a good thing I'm not dramatic.
No, if I'm being real my first thought was "What are my kids going to do?" So many of them look forward to coming to school to socialize as well as learn. So many of them come to school for love and acceptance and acknowledgement of their existence. When the information was sent to staff I did the first thing that came to mind: I made a video. I promised my kids I would let them know as soon as I knew anything and I will do whatever I need to do to make sure I fulfill these promises. The main issue was that I was in the longest, slowest-moving line ever at a grocery store I never go to because I branched out since "Mexican grocery stores never run out of stuff," per my students. While they weren't entirely wrong, there was a whole lot of chaos going on so it took a while for me to send the video. So, there I am: glasses, absolutely no makeup, wearing a hat to hide my identity in case I am recognized, in the parking lot of the grocery store, on take two of the video (because I didn't like my face in take one...honesty is the best policy) and I'm finally wrapping it up when "IT" happens. A bird lands on the hood of my car. I'm about to hit the button to stop recording but then I see the shiny, irridescent, creepy eye of a crow staring at me and I dropped my phone, hitting the stop button in the process. I'm glad because I think I'd have to do a third take if I threw up on video.
Then my kids started responding and I love that they respond to me. I love that they aren't afraid to tell me what they have on their minds: their fears, their concerns, their excitement, their joy, their...anything. I know that trust doesn't come easily and I am so grateful that I have gained that trust. It took work. It took vulnerability on my part, not to mention perseverance, and it's always a work in progress but those kids, man...they make my job not seem like a job.
And then there are the delightful blessings who immediately respond to say, "WE HAVE THREE WEEKS FOR SPRING BREAK?!" and I'm mentally bashing my head into the window as I reply, "No, dear one...you're doing distance learning so we don't have to go to school in June. You DO have to participate as best you can." Another says, "Yeah, so my internet just got shut off, so I guess I can't participate," to which I reply, "You know I teach your sister, too, right? And you know she'll take care of her responsibilities, so perhaps you should work to get your stories straight." And while it's sometimes exasperating it is almost always entertaining so I just laugh and remember how grateful I am that they do reach out and just talk to me.
There are others who are hesitant to admit it out loud but I know they are bummed about not being in school for three weeks. It's so much more than a place to get an education. It's where they go to belong or to excel. Because of that, and also because I literally can't imagine zero contact for three weeks, I am firing up the Remind with daily messages (nothing new) and working to set up a Zoom account to do video conferencing, discussions, and other interactive lessons. Some will do the work because they are motivated and some will show up solely for entertainment. Sometimes I'm boring but most of them will say they show up because they never know what I'm going to do next. It's all part of the "Dubs" experience! :)
Truth be told, though, I am concerned about this whole pandemic, not because of the illness but because of the dramatic change in routine. I am concerned for those who will lose sight of the end game during this hiatus from daily routines. I am concerned for those who are already stressing themselves out about tests in May because the majority of my kids are doubly tested in the same week with state testing and AP exams. This is hugely detrimental to my AP classes but they are not the only students who are in this boat. If we only get through the 1920s, then that's what we can do. The AP exam will be scaled accordingly. This is a huge plot-twist but it is also an amazing way to incorporate the fact that we are constantly living history in our daily lives. Someday they will be able to tell their children and grandchildren how they lived through a pandemic when they were juniors in high school: where they were, how they felt, what they experienced. That is the most valuable lesson in all of this, I think. As a teacher, I hate not being in the classroom with my kids. I hate breaking routine and I miss them terribly...even though it's basically been a normal weekend, it's the fact that I know this "weekend" is multiplied several times over and that is where I struggle. I'd argue some of them are struggling with it, too.
It's day 3 of 24 and I'm bored out of my mind but it's fine..it's fine...it's fine. Probably. I have everything I need and my own boys have everything they need but I do worry about whether all of my school kids have what they need. Several of them have sent scholarship essays to me so I can read and help to edit them and, I must say, it's been fun learning about what people would see if they were to do an internet search on them in 30 years.
So, in an attempt to maintain normalcy, I continue to send musings, articles, and fun facts. I suggest and accept recommendations for things to watch, read, and eat. I reveal far more of my nerdy side than I ever intended but it's all part of my charm. Or something. I swear it's endearing.
HOWEVER, I am seriously regretting saying "Bubble life is the best life" over and over last week. I was referring to the United States and its stance on isolationism...NOT THIS HOT MESS.
I'm bored. Help!
Aubs
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