I just like normal. This is not normal.

Since I've already lost track of the days being on an extended break I was surprised to wake up to a ton of alerts about Governor Abbott waiving all EOC/STAAR tests for the year.  I mean, I knew it was probably coming but I wasn't necessarily expecting it to be announced quite so soon. There is very little, if any, continuity between districts and that causes even more chaos. The district where I live extended their spring break by a week (3/20), my younger son's district extended by two weeks, (3/27) and the district where I work just started spring break and has already extended two weeks beyond that (4/6). All of this is contingent upon what comes next: will there be more extensions and will they become equal for the state? It's hard to tell...but it worries me...a lot.

I know my boys are fine. What I worry about is my school kids. I truly do love them all, even (and also especially) the ones that drive me crazy on a semi-regular basis. I love the challenge they bring to my life and I love how I've started to see tiny cracks in their facades because it shows me that I am getting through to them. I worry about my students in regular classes who fail to see this pandemic for what it is, the ones who are pumped about a super long spring break/summer and continue to live their lives in a way that is the exact opposite of what is being passed along by all levels of government and the CDC. I worry about my AP kids who want to take this test that might not happen anymore. The latest on that front is that the College Board is looking at resources for students and potentially working on an online, at home exam option. The main issue with that is the lack of reliable internet. In these dark times (I wrote that in Hagrid's voice..."It was dark times, Harry, dark times.") I don't want my kids to have to worry about anything else because they worry about so much.

So now we wait. And as we wait I continue to ignore the fact that I need to clean my house (sigh) and begin to pack boxes to move in May (double sigh) and instead choose to dwell on the fact that it's really hard to imagine not seeing the people you've seen on a daily basis since August anymore. I was so excited to start working in a district where I thought I would truly be able to make a difference. When it actually began, however, I was completely unsure I was in the right place. I doubted myself for months. Things would start to fall into place and then I'd find myself facing the deepest doubt yet. It was hard to get up and go to work each morning but I did it, partially because I am a grownup with bills to pay and partially because I knew I was an example whether I liked it or not. And then a crazy thing happened: it started to get easier. I started to be happy to go back to work on Monday mornings. More students started buying into my class and giving me a chance. By the time we hit the end of the first semester and I found out I was losing a regular class period to pick up another AP class I was devastated.

When the second semester began I was super-apprehensive of this new AP class because the APUSH teacher and I are very different. (We get along and speak in our own language of song/movie quotes and stay on similar pacing but our activities and delivery are often quite different.) I was nervous...like first day of school nervous, and now I feel like I've been cheated by not having them all year long. They are challenging and creative and entertaining in ways that are reminiscent of students I've taught in the past, and I feel like we were able to pick up and move forward without skipping a beat. I can't imagine not having them now...

***THIS PART IS PURE SPECULATION ON MY PART.*** But the thing is this whole pandemic makes me fearful that I won't have them again. With districts continuing to push their "digital/distance learning" dates further and further back, the end of the school year seems like it's already passed. If Thursday was the last day I will see my students this year then I am utterly heartbroken. My district is already scheduled to return the first full week in April. Districts in other parts of the country are out for 6-8 weeks and I can only assume that Texas will continue that trend once more information becomes available. With the CDC recommending that groups of 50 or more cease meeting for 8 weeks, it only stands to reason that school districts will eventually be included in that recommendation (they are not currently). With the end of the school year falling at the end of May and state testing ceasing to exist, what is the actual point? I hate it because I truly love what I do and there's such a sense of uncertainty.  I haven't been formally observed for my probationary contract as a new employee of this district. My contract hasn't been renewed. I won't have any "data" to speak of without these tests that show I am good at what I do. It's all so uncertain and that's what makes me nervous. ***THIS ENDS THE PURE SPECULATION SECTION OF MY MUSINGS.***

Waiting is the hardest part and since this is our spring break I am trying not to be a pain the butt to my students by sending out daily updates but so much of it is self-serving. I am one who needs human contact. I can lose myself in a world of streaming television, books, social media, etc., just as easily as the next person but I cannot do it for days on end. If you're keeping track (Lord knows I am) this is day 4 of (minimum) 24 and I'm already feeling an utter sense of chaos, lack of self-motivation, and complete uselessness. If I, as a competent and fairly "together" adult, am feeling this way it causes me physical pain to imagine how my 176 precious treasures are faring right now. A break is healthy and a great way to recharge and relax but human beings need structure and a plan.

I'm not doing well with social distancing. I hate not being around my own kids because this seems like it would be a mixture of happier and more stressful with them around. I despise not being around my school kids because I'm not sure who needs whom more at this point...but it might be that I need them more. I just like normal. This is not normal.

This just feels like total chaos, like the tornado in The Wizard of Oz has picked all of us up and is just tossing us around until we're all so discombobulated that we don't know which way is up when we land.

Ironically, my coffee cup of the day is "Toto...I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." I couldn't have planned that if I tried.

Aubs