My brain...it's just everywhere

For some reason, I have spent a lot of time thinking about people I haven’t thought about in years…decades, even.  Maybe it’s the time of year, or maybe it’s just because I’m avoiding finals, but people who were HUGE in my life decades ago have been popping into my head for months.  It was one thing when they were just popping into my head randomly, but over the last several weeks, my boys and I have had at least a dozen conversations that have resulted in me verbalizing memories including these people, which has made each of them ask (on separate occasions), “Why don’t you hang out with them anymore?  They sound nice.”  

How do I answer that?  

1.       They WERE nice!

2.       We grew apart, like people do.

3.       I was probably at fault.

4.       I. DON’T. KNOW.

The truth of the matter is, don’t we all do stupid things and act like idiots when we’re teenagers?  Or in our 20s?  Or in our 30s?  Or…always?

Maybe I’m reeling with nostalgia because my oldest kid is walking the “hallowed” halls of the same high school where I met some of the people who would have a lasting impact on my life.  I mean…who knew that would happen?!  Maybe it’s because I’ve spent some time trying to figure out what is truly important and what matters most.  Maybe it’s because I’ve seen (and felt) how horrible it feels to be treated like crap, and realized that it is exactly what I did to those I cared about when I was an idiotic (and selfish) teenager/young adult/not-so-young adult.  But maybe, just maybe, it’s because I have realized that sometimes you create a friendship that has staying power…even if you don’t speak to each other often (or ever…like for decades…PLURAL), and those are always worth it.  I hope.

I’ve been thinking about those I consider close friends lately.  Sometimes I check out of interaction and check in to my own personal bubble.  Sometimes I forget to come up for air because it’s much easier and less people-y in my bubble, but that doesn’t make it right, and that’s when these people come into the equation.  They do breathing checks, send me ridiculous pictures or text messages that make me realize that I’m so absorbed in my own self-inflicted mess that I’m missing out on the good stuff.  It’s something I’m aware of now, and something I hope to do less of now that I know.

As I was avoiding the remnants of my homework earlier, I came across something that really resonated with me.  “I am a very strong believer that whoever is meant to be in your life will always gravitate back towards you, regardless of how far they wander.”  And, y’all, I choose to believe that is true.  I’m not sure if time heals all wounds or not, but I certainly hope so.

Besides…Facebook told me I’m going to be married and in love in 2017, so it HAS to be true.  I’m not really sure how that works because there isn’t even the hint of a blip on my radar, but you know Facebook.  It also says I will reconnect and rekindle an old friendship and might even get romantically attached.  I’m not sure how it knows this, but one thing is clear: It knows best.  

Please insert all the eyerolls here.

Let’s talk sleep deprivation, shall we?  At this exact moment, it is 1:51 AM, CST, and I am wide awake for no apparent reason.  This also happened a few times last week, at the most inopportune times.  Wednesday night, I needed to go to sleep early, so that’s obviously when I ended up googling all the people I previously mentioned because all of a sudden I JUST HAD TO KNOW.  What ever happened to my date for my Senior Prom?  How about that boyfriend I had during that time who was NOT my date for prom?  What about that girl who moved away after one year?  I wonder what my favorite co-worker during high school is doing now…what was her last name again?  Trying to force yourself to sleep when those questions start bouncing around is seriously difficult.  In fact, I couldn’t do it.  So, on the night before the biggest test of my semester (the test I needed to continue with grad school), I slept for approximately 47 minutes.  It was not my finest hour(s).  See, when I get tired, I get ridiculous.  Deciding that I need more information on these people who mattered greatly to me 15+ years ago, I wrote notes.  In cursive.  On cards.  And if I had address information for them, I took those envelopes out to the mailbox and dropped them in before I could give myself time to reconsider.

In hindsight, it could’ve been a kneejerk reaction.  Maybe.
(I genuinely hope these people remember that I was always a little kneejerk-ish, and totally NOT a creeper.)

It’s endearing, right?!  I mean…who wouldn’t love a handwritten note with a mini trip down memory lane?  The main problem I foresee with this situation is that my memory remembers a lot, especially small details, while most others will probably gloss over all of the memories that bring a smile to my face.

OOOOORRRRRRR, maybe my kids are right, and I need a social life.  I promised them I would consider being less lame after my finals.  I think they know I’m lying, but they’re pretending right along with me.  It’s like a Christmas miracle.  

But, I digress.  So, after my 47 minutes of sleep on Wednesday night, I went to take my test.  I didn’t take a break because I felt like it would be detrimental to my testing process, so I did all of the sections without stopping.  Only 2/3 of the score were available immediately.  I wasn’t surprised to see that I had cleared the required reading score by 30+ points, but almost cried when I saw I’d cleared the math score by 6 points.  I’ve never been a math person, but to do well enough to not have my grad school status in jeopardy on less than an hour’s worth of sleep?  I was so excited!  The other section is writing, which doesn’t ever seem to be a problem for me, but I have to wait a couple of weeks for scores, so now I get to be patient…which we all know is my strongest virtue.  

 I rushed straight home to toss and turn in my bed for a solid 90 minutes until I finally fell asleep.  Two hours later, I woke up, groggy, and then proceeded to stay up until 2:00 am because my brain decided to revisit all of the people from the night before and do a little, “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, SENDING NOTES TO PEOPLE YOU HAVEN’T TALKED TO IN ALMOST 20 YEARS?!  HOW WAS THIS EVER A GOOD IDEA? But…what about this person?  I think you forgot about him…”

At least I’m consistent?  Friday, I spent the day with some of my favorite 7^th/8^th grade students.  We had a truly excellent day, and I’m always grateful to spend time with them.  It’s a huge ego boost when students see me in the hall and ask (quite hopefully) if I’m a sub for one of their classes.  The excitement when I confirm I am is awesome, but the sad faces when I announce a name who is not one of their teachers breaks my heart, too.  

After school, I listened as several of my favorite teachers were recognized for all they do as nominees for Teacher of the Year, and got teary-eyed when my favorite Science teacher was given the honor.  Her family surprised her with anecdotes, both in person, and from afar, and as I listened, I was just so proud of all of the teachers who were nominated, and extremely grateful that the majority of them have taught one of my boys.  It is my hope that they will also have the opportunity to teach my B when he gets to middle school next year.

Throw in an 80s party on Saturday night and a day of homework today, and you’ve got yourself a pretty well-rounded few days.  N asked me to pick him up from a friend’s house on Saturday night, and I said, “I will come pick you up, but first you need to see what I look like because I don’t want you to be surprised.”  After I sent him the picture he responded with, “Why are you such an embarrassment?”

Suffice it to say, a milestone was achieved this weekend. 

I can’t wait to see what happens next!

Aubs