I can't come up with a title for this post. It's like my brain has the dumb. I feel like this is probably how a lot of my students are feeling this week and next as they gear up to take a slew of AP Exams to determine if they receive college credit for their work this year. You know, no pressure.
There's nothing like a high stakes situation with the state of things to relieve the pressure from an already high stakes situation. At this point, I'm not even sure if any of mine will take the exam. Out of my 110 roughly 40-60 are doing their work and communicating. The rest are like crickets except they don't chirp or whatever it is crickets allegedly do. Rub their legs together or whatever.
You know what's blissful? I moved into my apartment on Mother's Day. That was not blissful and, no, I don't want to talk about it yet. Let's just say (in a one sentence summary): There was a serious lack of communication and they didn't leave my apartment until almost 9:00 p.m. even though their scheduled window was between 11:30 a.m. and 1:30 p.m.
That about covers it.
Anyway. Blissful: My ceiling fan is silent. All of the fans are silent. It's amazing. The fans at the condo made all sorts of racket and it was impossible to ignore them. Here it's the perfect amount of barely there white noise. What I like less is the fact that it's broad daylight at 7:05 a.m. I was complaining to a guy I work with and he was telling me (bragging, y'all...he was BRAGGING) that his bedroom is an interior room so it stays dark. Jealousy. He also suggested I put up blackout curtains and I explained that (newsflash!) I am not tall (like he is...still bragging) so after shooting down his idea of using a ladder because I'm more of a "hammer and go and hope it's straight" kind of girl, I'm either going to have to deal with it being stupid bright at dumb o'clock or find a tall, preferably handsome/funny/kind, man to do it for me...taking applications now!
Anyway, this week is kind of stressful and hectic, especially for students, but also for the teachers who have worked diligently to get them to this point and that's hard as hell to do in the current situation. The first wave of students tested today and it makes me glad that my kids are testing on Friday because hopefully some of the kinks are worked out by then. Bless those first tester guinea pigs!
I'm working to unpack and I've realized a few things: I didn't label things very well (at the end I gave up on labeling and just threw shit in boxes), the boxes multiplied (I swear to you, on all things, they did), and I have way too much stuff (I have nothing witty to say here...it's straight fact). It's starting to come together (the number of boxes left intact is going down) and I'm almost to the point where I can start figuring out what I'm going to put on walls but I think my first priority is going to be curtains because...it's BRIGHT and I like to be asleep in the morning.
I also realized that curbside pickup is so much better than I originally thought it to be. Yes, it's great. It's a timesaver and it helps with social distancing but there are so many choices! Tonight I picked up an impromptu order from Total Wine and a vacuum cleaner I ordered (because I didn't see it on display even though it was listed as "available" on the app) while I was standing in front of the vacuum cleaner display AT Target in the span of 10 minutes. I also ordered groceries for pickup from Kroger on Thursday so I definitely know how to party.
I mean, honestly, it's a wonder I'm still single...for now...maybe.
Does that mean I'm considering dating again? I have no idea. But it's not a no.
Yikes.
Aubs
Monday, May 11, 2020
Friday, May 8, 2020
I took a Mulligan
After the "Alexander" of a day I had yesterday I woke up early and went to go meet the guy for internet installation. He called me and verified the address. It was wrong (shocker) so he called and got it all straightened out and got a new order set up, got it assigned to him, and got it set up in 20 minutes. Cody from AT&T is my hero.
Aubs
While he worked I put away the stuff I had brought from the condo and we talked about school and how he's struggling with being a "teacher" for a 5th grader. He says he gave me a signal booster so we'll see how that goes once I'm there full time on Sunday. I hope it's faster than what I have to deal with now.
I went to pick up a couple of things I ordered and the guy who got my items warned me they were heavy. I told him I was going to carry them up three flights of stairs and he said, "40." Confused, I said, "No...I'm 38." and he laughed and laughed then said he lived on the third floor and he counted the stairs up and down...40. Then it was my turn to laugh because, by the end of the night yesterday, I'd counted my stairs up and down no less than 30 times. At least it wasn't hot as hell today. Positives, y'all. Looking at the positives.
We had a virtual popcorn party at work today so my group logged in for that. I sent them a text saying, "I clearly didn't get the 'wear a hat' memo today because they were both wearing hats, one forward, one backwards. We discussed how long we had to stay, communicated in gifs, and cleared out as soon as it was acceptable. It's boring without them on the weekends.
After that I blasted music, packed the few remaining boxes I had and loaded up the car...and then I was just done. My mind wandered. I became completely distracted. I checked out.
Damn that brain of mine that sometimes works overtime on all of the wrong things.
It's fiiiiine, though. Sometimes you just need a Netflix/Door Dash night...when movers are coming in less than 48 hours.
I'd say I'm going to bed but it's still about 4-5 hours away from my bedtime these days. Hopefully I'll get lost in what I'm watching otherwise my brain is going to drive me batshit.
Aubs
Thursday, May 7, 2020
Oh, it was moving day, alright...
Today was "THE" day...the day I got the keys to my apartment and the beginning of my new chapter as a quasi-empty-nester at the age of 38. I thought I was prepared for this. I went to the complex, called the office to say I was there, and went to the door to sign the last of the paperwork and get my keys.
The leasing agent legitimately asked if I could come back later. What? Um, no. If I'm paying for today then I want my keys earlier rather than later. I have stuff to do and a job to do, too. She told me the apartment wasn't ready yet but she guessed I could go in and to not put anything on the countertops...only in the middle of the room.
Let's be real. I was pissed before I even got to the unit. When I got there I was so underwhelmed. I blame myself and my idyllic personality. I had it all figured out and it was going to be amazing and perfect and it was just okay. Then I went into the bathroom and that's when I said, "We're done here." It was white. It was sterile and it looked like I walked into the bathroom of a psych ward/looney bin like in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and I walked back out. I called the complex and said, "I'm not going to be able to do this." I explained my position, my disappointment, and how I feel that, if I'm going to be stuck at home for the foreseeable future, that I should at least be happy and comfortable where I live.
The manager listened to my complaints and asked to call me back after she went to go look at the unit...the unit that was already behind schedule because it should've been move-in ready this morning. I got coffee and she called me back to say there were some other units if I was interested in looking. The assistant manager took me to two other units: one just like the one I had leased but on a different floor and an interior apartment instead of a corner. It was near power lines/towers so I knew my mom would say no because she doesn't want me to get cancer. The other one was a little bit bigger and a true 2 bedroom with 2 bathrooms, which I have adamantly announced I don't need since I'm pulling a Kevin McAlister and growing up and getting married and living alone. You know, minus the married thing.
It was so much better. Still on a corner, still on the third floor only with no trees but lots of green space. It was what I expected in my head. Is it more expensive? Yes. Is it probably more space than I truly need? Also yes. But it's still cheaper than what I've been paying and there's a ton of natural light instead of it being a tomb like the one I originally leased. I accepted the $300 gift card they offered me for my trouble and went home to do my Zoom meetings. When they were finished I went back to get my keys, pay the remainder of the prorated amount, and survey my new space. I brought with me a coffee pot and coffee, a toaster, toilet paper, soap, and paper towels...and, I ask you: what else do I really need?
Oh, yes. Internet. The best part about this whole ordeal (and this is serious sarcasm here) is that I get to change my address again. Like, I rushed to change my address because some stuff has already been mailed to the new address and...oh, shoot! Luckily, everyone I had to call directly (electric, insurance, internet installation, etc.) have been really nice and appropriately horrified at my experience. There's been a lot of laughter, which was not expected as I burst into stress tears earlier today. As I was recapping the whole situation to someone they said, "My oh my you are a unique individual," which I took as an exceptional compliment because...duh. I don't let myself get overwhelmed often but this is one of those times where I feel like a mini-meltdown was perfectly acceptable.
The jury's still out on how the next 15 months will go in a variety of ways but here's hoping it doesn't suck and perhaps aims for a little higher than slightly better than mediocre!
Aubs
The leasing agent legitimately asked if I could come back later. What? Um, no. If I'm paying for today then I want my keys earlier rather than later. I have stuff to do and a job to do, too. She told me the apartment wasn't ready yet but she guessed I could go in and to not put anything on the countertops...only in the middle of the room.
Let's be real. I was pissed before I even got to the unit. When I got there I was so underwhelmed. I blame myself and my idyllic personality. I had it all figured out and it was going to be amazing and perfect and it was just okay. Then I went into the bathroom and that's when I said, "We're done here." It was white. It was sterile and it looked like I walked into the bathroom of a psych ward/looney bin like in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and I walked back out. I called the complex and said, "I'm not going to be able to do this." I explained my position, my disappointment, and how I feel that, if I'm going to be stuck at home for the foreseeable future, that I should at least be happy and comfortable where I live.
The manager listened to my complaints and asked to call me back after she went to go look at the unit...the unit that was already behind schedule because it should've been move-in ready this morning. I got coffee and she called me back to say there were some other units if I was interested in looking. The assistant manager took me to two other units: one just like the one I had leased but on a different floor and an interior apartment instead of a corner. It was near power lines/towers so I knew my mom would say no because she doesn't want me to get cancer. The other one was a little bit bigger and a true 2 bedroom with 2 bathrooms, which I have adamantly announced I don't need since I'm pulling a Kevin McAlister and growing up and getting married and living alone. You know, minus the married thing.
It was so much better. Still on a corner, still on the third floor only with no trees but lots of green space. It was what I expected in my head. Is it more expensive? Yes. Is it probably more space than I truly need? Also yes. But it's still cheaper than what I've been paying and there's a ton of natural light instead of it being a tomb like the one I originally leased. I accepted the $300 gift card they offered me for my trouble and went home to do my Zoom meetings. When they were finished I went back to get my keys, pay the remainder of the prorated amount, and survey my new space. I brought with me a coffee pot and coffee, a toaster, toilet paper, soap, and paper towels...and, I ask you: what else do I really need?
Oh, yes. Internet. The best part about this whole ordeal (and this is serious sarcasm here) is that I get to change my address again. Like, I rushed to change my address because some stuff has already been mailed to the new address and...oh, shoot! Luckily, everyone I had to call directly (electric, insurance, internet installation, etc.) have been really nice and appropriately horrified at my experience. There's been a lot of laughter, which was not expected as I burst into stress tears earlier today. As I was recapping the whole situation to someone they said, "My oh my you are a unique individual," which I took as an exceptional compliment because...duh. I don't let myself get overwhelmed often but this is one of those times where I feel like a mini-meltdown was perfectly acceptable.
The jury's still out on how the next 15 months will go in a variety of ways but here's hoping it doesn't suck and perhaps aims for a little higher than slightly better than mediocre!
Aubs
Wednesday, May 6, 2020
Corona-Crazy
I'm pretty sure I'm losing the last few shreds of my sanity. I've laughed entirely too much today over things that aren't even really funny. No, drinking wasn't involved...and, while I AM entirely sleep deprived, I don't think that has a whole lot to do with it either.
But when my best boyfriend (our parents met in childbirth class when they were pregnant with us...and we had the same due date) posted on social media that he would kill for some pho and I immediately responded with "pho real?" and then dissolved in hysterical, slightly maniacal laughter, I knew I was close to the edge. So did he because he almost immediately texted me saying, "You want to Zoom in a little while?" My hero! He and his wife and I had what can only be described as an adventure on our video chat. Bless his heart...he's really become "one with his emotions" these days and it resulted in a lot of laughter (us) and more tears (not us). Bless.
I get the keys to my new apartment tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I'm excited about this but I'm also kind of nervous. It's a huge leap of faith, renting an apartment sight unseen. I've seen floor plans and a virtual tour of a similar unit but it's not the one I'm moving into and I'm not sure what to expect. I really hope it doesn't suck.
Today I was on a Zoom call with my two partners in crime, brothers that I work with, when one of them and I got an email, simultaneously, to fill out a reference request for my work bestie. While we all understand that she is ultimately looking for something closer to home I, selfishly, don't want her to leave. I 100% wouldn't blame her at all but it's my hope that she hears me when I say "Why would you want to trade something that's at least KNOWN for something that's unknown?" She agreed...fingers crossed!
So, as I sit on the couch and contemplate whether I will go to bed before my new typical bedtime (between 2:00 and 3:00) I have "Pride & Prejudice" on in the background. This movie captivates me every single time I watch it. I don't know why I'm obsessed with it lately but I catch some little nuance I previously missed each time it's on...like just now when Darcy and Lizzie are dancing and then, all of a sudden, they become the only two in the room. LOVE.
Since sleep escapes me I find that I look forward to midnight each night...so I can see what my timehop/memories are on social media. Yes, I am perfectly aware that I'm the lamest of the lame but some of them make me giggle because they're adorable (usually kid quotes/conversations) and some of them are downright HILARIOUS. One of my favorite ones popped up the other day and it simply said, "Oh, men wearing backwards baseball caps and/or driving big trucks...why must you tempt me?"
Still true....SO true. That's my freaking kryptonite. But honestly backwards or forwards makes zero difference to me. It's just hot.
There are a lot of memories that highlight my innate fear of birds and people mocking that very real, and entirely understandable, fear. Birds are gross. They're creepy and they stare and what the hell is up with owls whose head spin all the way around? THEY NEVER BLINK and they're just eerie when they hoot.
The only hoot I like is Hootie and the Blowfish and I stand by that statement...band and solo career.
Aubs
But when my best boyfriend (our parents met in childbirth class when they were pregnant with us...and we had the same due date) posted on social media that he would kill for some pho and I immediately responded with "pho real?" and then dissolved in hysterical, slightly maniacal laughter, I knew I was close to the edge. So did he because he almost immediately texted me saying, "You want to Zoom in a little while?" My hero! He and his wife and I had what can only be described as an adventure on our video chat. Bless his heart...he's really become "one with his emotions" these days and it resulted in a lot of laughter (us) and more tears (not us). Bless.
I get the keys to my new apartment tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I'm excited about this but I'm also kind of nervous. It's a huge leap of faith, renting an apartment sight unseen. I've seen floor plans and a virtual tour of a similar unit but it's not the one I'm moving into and I'm not sure what to expect. I really hope it doesn't suck.
Today I was on a Zoom call with my two partners in crime, brothers that I work with, when one of them and I got an email, simultaneously, to fill out a reference request for my work bestie. While we all understand that she is ultimately looking for something closer to home I, selfishly, don't want her to leave. I 100% wouldn't blame her at all but it's my hope that she hears me when I say "Why would you want to trade something that's at least KNOWN for something that's unknown?" She agreed...fingers crossed!
So, as I sit on the couch and contemplate whether I will go to bed before my new typical bedtime (between 2:00 and 3:00) I have "Pride & Prejudice" on in the background. This movie captivates me every single time I watch it. I don't know why I'm obsessed with it lately but I catch some little nuance I previously missed each time it's on...like just now when Darcy and Lizzie are dancing and then, all of a sudden, they become the only two in the room. LOVE.
Since sleep escapes me I find that I look forward to midnight each night...so I can see what my timehop/memories are on social media. Yes, I am perfectly aware that I'm the lamest of the lame but some of them make me giggle because they're adorable (usually kid quotes/conversations) and some of them are downright HILARIOUS. One of my favorite ones popped up the other day and it simply said, "Oh, men wearing backwards baseball caps and/or driving big trucks...why must you tempt me?"
Still true....SO true. That's my freaking kryptonite. But honestly backwards or forwards makes zero difference to me. It's just hot.
There are a lot of memories that highlight my innate fear of birds and people mocking that very real, and entirely understandable, fear. Birds are gross. They're creepy and they stare and what the hell is up with owls whose head spin all the way around? THEY NEVER BLINK and they're just eerie when they hoot.
The only hoot I like is Hootie and the Blowfish and I stand by that statement...band and solo career.
Aubs
Tuesday, May 5, 2020
Staying busy
I move in just a few days. There is a lot that needs to be done. There is a lot of partial packing going on around here and my desire to do anything additional is pretty low. It'll get done but it's going to be chaotic and, while I do enjoy some chaotic situations sometimes, this is not one of those times.
I like my carefully controlled chaos in the classroom. I like the cacophony of noise: laughter, good-natured yelling, the zipping and unzipping of backpacks, the low chatter they think I don't hear (but soon realize I always do with a "How did you HEAR that? You were across the room!" and even the clicking of pens and pencils. I miss going off on tangents and then having to explain those witty tangents which makes them less funny and interesting but also more so at the same time because it's like they're anxiously awaiting the next one...and they're going to get it this time!
I miss the arguments and debates. I miss the roasts. God, I miss the roasts. I miss the bright smiles, the hugs, and the runninginthedoortotellmethemostamazingthingthatjusthappenedandI'llneverguess moments. I miss being able to tell, simply by the looks on their faces, whether their actual mood matches what their words say. I miss my radar for "off behavior" which is rarely wrong. I miss the jokes and the banter. I miss the hugs and the notes and the loitering way some of them pack up to leave so they don't have to rush out the door or those who "accidentally on purpose" leave their phones in the wall pockets so they have to come back later.
I miss them calling me "mom" or one of my other approved name choices. I just miss them. And, a lot of the time, being around them helps me to not miss my boys as much. But, the truth of the matter is, I hate this. This is not the type of mom I ever thought I would be. I have been super active and present in the lives of both of my boys from day 1. I've been room mom and team mom and the house where everyone wants to come hang out, play video games, and eat snacks. That has pissed my boys off but also made them really happy at the same time. Emotions are hard, man.
I just feel so...empty. Perhaps it's the isolation that we're all practicing right now with social distancing and all of that but it's seriously lonely. Lonelier than I realized. Being able to see/talk to my students helps. Going from seeing their faces daily to not seeing them at all is really lame. I had two Zoom sessions today to discuss their upcoming AP Exam and the usual suspects showed up for the first one (4-7 of them) but I had more than I expected for the evening Zoom, including a couple I haven't heard from in a while. It made my heart happy to hear from them and hear their voices even though most of them refused to show their faces. I did get to see a couple of them when I did a drive-thru run for an iced coffee and that made my afternoon.
This whole situation has been a great lesson in slowing down. Everything happens for a reason but I'm counting down to all.the.happy.reunions...with my own boys, first and foremost, but also with my school kids. I can't wait to hug all of their necks and tell them how much I love them.
Aubs
P.S. My AP kids have started to receive their notes. The sheer number of messages I've received since they started being delivered and the tones of surprise and happiness and all.the.feels they've told me they felt...well, it's just been the hugest mood booster to know that such a simple little thing has had such an impact on their mood and motivation. I declare success!
I like my carefully controlled chaos in the classroom. I like the cacophony of noise: laughter, good-natured yelling, the zipping and unzipping of backpacks, the low chatter they think I don't hear (but soon realize I always do with a "How did you HEAR that? You were across the room!" and even the clicking of pens and pencils. I miss going off on tangents and then having to explain those witty tangents which makes them less funny and interesting but also more so at the same time because it's like they're anxiously awaiting the next one...and they're going to get it this time!
I miss the arguments and debates. I miss the roasts. God, I miss the roasts. I miss the bright smiles, the hugs, and the runninginthedoortotellmethemostamazingthingthatjusthappenedandI'llneverguess moments. I miss being able to tell, simply by the looks on their faces, whether their actual mood matches what their words say. I miss my radar for "off behavior" which is rarely wrong. I miss the jokes and the banter. I miss the hugs and the notes and the loitering way some of them pack up to leave so they don't have to rush out the door or those who "accidentally on purpose" leave their phones in the wall pockets so they have to come back later.
I miss them calling me "mom" or one of my other approved name choices. I just miss them. And, a lot of the time, being around them helps me to not miss my boys as much. But, the truth of the matter is, I hate this. This is not the type of mom I ever thought I would be. I have been super active and present in the lives of both of my boys from day 1. I've been room mom and team mom and the house where everyone wants to come hang out, play video games, and eat snacks. That has pissed my boys off but also made them really happy at the same time. Emotions are hard, man.
I just feel so...empty. Perhaps it's the isolation that we're all practicing right now with social distancing and all of that but it's seriously lonely. Lonelier than I realized. Being able to see/talk to my students helps. Going from seeing their faces daily to not seeing them at all is really lame. I had two Zoom sessions today to discuss their upcoming AP Exam and the usual suspects showed up for the first one (4-7 of them) but I had more than I expected for the evening Zoom, including a couple I haven't heard from in a while. It made my heart happy to hear from them and hear their voices even though most of them refused to show their faces. I did get to see a couple of them when I did a drive-thru run for an iced coffee and that made my afternoon.
This whole situation has been a great lesson in slowing down. Everything happens for a reason but I'm counting down to all.the.happy.reunions...with my own boys, first and foremost, but also with my school kids. I can't wait to hug all of their necks and tell them how much I love them.
Aubs
P.S. My AP kids have started to receive their notes. The sheer number of messages I've received since they started being delivered and the tones of surprise and happiness and all.the.feels they've told me they felt...well, it's just been the hugest mood booster to know that such a simple little thing has had such an impact on their mood and motivation. I declare success!
Monday, May 4, 2020
When it's over
Without going into too much detail it's been a really rough calendar year in my household.
I am moving into a new place on Sunday and today I had my 17-year-old son come and pick up the rest of his belongings. He's storing them at my mom's until he figures out what his next move is but it was really hard for me for this to be the path that we had to take.
When he came to get his stuff he was angry and I would imagine quite hurt. We've taken "breaks" from each other before where's he's gone to stay with his dad, temporarily, while we both cool off but this has an air of permanence. No, there's no "air" of permanence. It is permanent.
It breaks my heart and gives me hope all at the same time. It breaks my heart because it is hard to send your firstborn to his dad's permanently. It breaks my heart because the reasons seem so futile and yet they are also so important. It is yet another in a long line of brokenhearted moments in the last year.
I know my stubborn, willful, kind-hearted son is hurting now but there is always hope. It is my hope that he will continue to forge his path and create this life that he desperately wants to make his own. It is my hope that he will know success with a minimum of failure but, if he must fail, that the failure will be something that is useful to him as he redefines success and tailors it to the plans he's made.
It is my hope that one day he will not look at me with anger in his eyes and venom on his tongue and that he will realize that the reason I made this happen was simply because I loved him too much to let him continue this pattern of self-destruction.
My heart breaks and is simultaneously hopeful every single day but today was definitely more heartbreak. And after he was gone I went into his room and took down the curtains. I removed the last few things from the room and bathroom and, as I walked into the hallway while folding his shower curtain, a song came on my playlist, a song that struck such a huge emotional cord with me that I crumpled to the floor and sobbed into that shower curtain like I'd just lost everything.
"Boy" by Lee Brice
"Boy, you're gonna know it all, you'll think you're ten feet tall, and run like your bulletproof and total a car or two. Boy, you're gonna hate this town, wish you could burn it down, that fire in your eyes is twenty counties wide...Boy, you're gonna be so stubborn, yeah, you get that from your mother. I can already see it now, you're not built for backing down."
Even now I can't even describe the pain that I felt and, if you know what I'm talking about, then, listen to me, dear one...I am so sorry. I know your heart is shattered and it may take a long time to pick up the pieces but you can. And you will. And you are an example of strength and grace for us all.
This is a season in life and I understand that but it's just such a really hard season. I truly hope that he and I will mend what has been damaged whenever he's ready. Until then...it's just hope.
Tonight I got in the car and drove...for hours. I gave one of the more gut-wrenching car concerts of my life until I just couldn't anymore. Then I drove home and climbed into bed (where I am now) knowing that sleep will not come for several hours still and I'm probably not done crying yet.
The question is do I help it along by watching a little 2005 "Pride & Prejudice" and just allow myself to completely breakdown? How much do I want my face to resemble a swollen punching bag tomorrow as I host 3-4 Zoom meetings? Will it even help?
I think it's important to understand that my personal life, my life with my own children, used to be the only focus that I had. They were the reasons I started to blog: funny stories and anecdotes about parenting as a single mom to two boys who are pretty dang hilarious and witty, and just to keep it as real as possible. As they got older, they wanted out of the "limelight" of my life. They asked me not to post about them on social media and I respect that, so I did. I was so busy with life and school and trying to be a perfect person juggling entirely too many things...that I let my "outlet" fall by the wayside. Picking it back up again, albeit during a pandemic, has often soothed my soul on nights where nothing else has worked.
Because of their requests, my (venting) focus has changed. While they would like to remain anonymous I also have 170-something other darlings who will remain anonymous, too...but it's way easier to describe the frustrations and hilarity without revealing identities.
So, today, when one precious one sent me a message basically saying, "When is our exam and also how do we do it?" after I've literally made posts at least once a week (usually more), not to mention MAILED them materials with the information inside, done multiple Zoom meetings to explain, and posted resource after resource...I struggled to respond in a way that was productive. I suggested they check their email for emails from the College Board.
And then I did a crazy thing. I TURNED OFF MY PHONE.
Yes. I did. And do you know what? I didn't die. I didn't miss anything important. It all waited for me.
Crazy, right?
Aubs
I am moving into a new place on Sunday and today I had my 17-year-old son come and pick up the rest of his belongings. He's storing them at my mom's until he figures out what his next move is but it was really hard for me for this to be the path that we had to take.
When he came to get his stuff he was angry and I would imagine quite hurt. We've taken "breaks" from each other before where's he's gone to stay with his dad, temporarily, while we both cool off but this has an air of permanence. No, there's no "air" of permanence. It is permanent.
It breaks my heart and gives me hope all at the same time. It breaks my heart because it is hard to send your firstborn to his dad's permanently. It breaks my heart because the reasons seem so futile and yet they are also so important. It is yet another in a long line of brokenhearted moments in the last year.
I know my stubborn, willful, kind-hearted son is hurting now but there is always hope. It is my hope that he will continue to forge his path and create this life that he desperately wants to make his own. It is my hope that he will know success with a minimum of failure but, if he must fail, that the failure will be something that is useful to him as he redefines success and tailors it to the plans he's made.
It is my hope that one day he will not look at me with anger in his eyes and venom on his tongue and that he will realize that the reason I made this happen was simply because I loved him too much to let him continue this pattern of self-destruction.
My heart breaks and is simultaneously hopeful every single day but today was definitely more heartbreak. And after he was gone I went into his room and took down the curtains. I removed the last few things from the room and bathroom and, as I walked into the hallway while folding his shower curtain, a song came on my playlist, a song that struck such a huge emotional cord with me that I crumpled to the floor and sobbed into that shower curtain like I'd just lost everything.
"Boy" by Lee Brice
"Boy, you're gonna know it all, you'll think you're ten feet tall, and run like your bulletproof and total a car or two. Boy, you're gonna hate this town, wish you could burn it down, that fire in your eyes is twenty counties wide...Boy, you're gonna be so stubborn, yeah, you get that from your mother. I can already see it now, you're not built for backing down."
Even now I can't even describe the pain that I felt and, if you know what I'm talking about, then, listen to me, dear one...I am so sorry. I know your heart is shattered and it may take a long time to pick up the pieces but you can. And you will. And you are an example of strength and grace for us all.
This is a season in life and I understand that but it's just such a really hard season. I truly hope that he and I will mend what has been damaged whenever he's ready. Until then...it's just hope.
Tonight I got in the car and drove...for hours. I gave one of the more gut-wrenching car concerts of my life until I just couldn't anymore. Then I drove home and climbed into bed (where I am now) knowing that sleep will not come for several hours still and I'm probably not done crying yet.
The question is do I help it along by watching a little 2005 "Pride & Prejudice" and just allow myself to completely breakdown? How much do I want my face to resemble a swollen punching bag tomorrow as I host 3-4 Zoom meetings? Will it even help?
I think it's important to understand that my personal life, my life with my own children, used to be the only focus that I had. They were the reasons I started to blog: funny stories and anecdotes about parenting as a single mom to two boys who are pretty dang hilarious and witty, and just to keep it as real as possible. As they got older, they wanted out of the "limelight" of my life. They asked me not to post about them on social media and I respect that, so I did. I was so busy with life and school and trying to be a perfect person juggling entirely too many things...that I let my "outlet" fall by the wayside. Picking it back up again, albeit during a pandemic, has often soothed my soul on nights where nothing else has worked.
Because of their requests, my (venting) focus has changed. While they would like to remain anonymous I also have 170-something other darlings who will remain anonymous, too...but it's way easier to describe the frustrations and hilarity without revealing identities.
So, today, when one precious one sent me a message basically saying, "When is our exam and also how do we do it?" after I've literally made posts at least once a week (usually more), not to mention MAILED them materials with the information inside, done multiple Zoom meetings to explain, and posted resource after resource...I struggled to respond in a way that was productive. I suggested they check their email for emails from the College Board.
And then I did a crazy thing. I TURNED OFF MY PHONE.
Yes. I did. And do you know what? I didn't die. I didn't miss anything important. It all waited for me.
Crazy, right?
Aubs
Friday, May 1, 2020
Justin Timberlake Day
You already know...this is the day where Justin Timberlake blows up the internet because it's May 1.
As someone who was a teenager when N*Sync was a thing and, even then, I was like, "What the hell is he singing about May for?" It was me. He was singing about me. Well, not ME...but himself. You know?
There was a department meeting today, which was really more of a check-in, which really means that we all wind up "picking" at the same co-worker because...well, if I were to explain it we'd sound like serious assholes but really, it's not like that.
One of our co-workers asks a lot of questions. A lot of the time they're perfectly good questions. He also takes things incredibly literally so today someone asked him for a house tour. I'm dying laughing as I think about how he was all "Oh, okay..." and looking for ways to be accommodating while everyone laughed. Then co-worker came back onto the screen wearing a seriously bedazzled sombrero and we laughed even harder. And even harder still when we heard about how some of the football coaches got lost WITHIN an apartment complex and couldn't find their truck. Being stuck at home clearly lowers the threshold of comedy.
After the meeting and flopping on the couch for a while I decided I needed to get out for a while so I went for a drive. I drove over to my new apartment then subconsciously drove like I was driving to school while I talked to my mom. I called my dad on the way home and then walked through my condo and out the back door to the track behind my house. As I circled the track, talking to my dad, it just felt so peaceful. Windy...but peaceful. Do I have other things to do? Yes. I have 34 more notes to write to add to envelopes of materials before I stamp them and send them to the last of my AP kids. I have a house to finish packing before I get my keys next week. But instead I just wanted to be outside...so I did that.
While I was out there I firmed up a social distancing coffee date with my work bestie (I CANNOT WAIT) and fielded another request for a tour tomorrow. My landlord has the condo available for sale or for rent so realtors show it for sales and I've been doing FaceTime tours and stuff for my landlord because I am entirely too nice. He offered me $100 of my last month's rent for my trouble but let me just tell you...it's been a whole lot more trouble than that. It's annoying and so much of an inconvenience.
There's a student I usually hear from daily and I haven't heard from her in about a week, to the point where I was genuinely concerned...so I started tracking her down. She didn't answer. Her brother didn't answer. So I started reaching out to friends. They said she posted on Instagram so I knew she was okay but then I get a message: "My sister took my phone because I've been procrastinating...I'm sorry I worried you...I love you, dubs."
Part of me is baffled by how baffled they are that someone who doesn't have to care actually cares. It's such a different mindset for me and I often forget that it's not what they're used to and sometimes they just need a reminder.
Luckily, I'm annoying like that. 😉
Aubs
As someone who was a teenager when N*Sync was a thing and, even then, I was like, "What the hell is he singing about May for?" It was me. He was singing about me. Well, not ME...but himself. You know?
There was a department meeting today, which was really more of a check-in, which really means that we all wind up "picking" at the same co-worker because...well, if I were to explain it we'd sound like serious assholes but really, it's not like that.
One of our co-workers asks a lot of questions. A lot of the time they're perfectly good questions. He also takes things incredibly literally so today someone asked him for a house tour. I'm dying laughing as I think about how he was all "Oh, okay..." and looking for ways to be accommodating while everyone laughed. Then co-worker came back onto the screen wearing a seriously bedazzled sombrero and we laughed even harder. And even harder still when we heard about how some of the football coaches got lost WITHIN an apartment complex and couldn't find their truck. Being stuck at home clearly lowers the threshold of comedy.
After the meeting and flopping on the couch for a while I decided I needed to get out for a while so I went for a drive. I drove over to my new apartment then subconsciously drove like I was driving to school while I talked to my mom. I called my dad on the way home and then walked through my condo and out the back door to the track behind my house. As I circled the track, talking to my dad, it just felt so peaceful. Windy...but peaceful. Do I have other things to do? Yes. I have 34 more notes to write to add to envelopes of materials before I stamp them and send them to the last of my AP kids. I have a house to finish packing before I get my keys next week. But instead I just wanted to be outside...so I did that.
While I was out there I firmed up a social distancing coffee date with my work bestie (I CANNOT WAIT) and fielded another request for a tour tomorrow. My landlord has the condo available for sale or for rent so realtors show it for sales and I've been doing FaceTime tours and stuff for my landlord because I am entirely too nice. He offered me $100 of my last month's rent for my trouble but let me just tell you...it's been a whole lot more trouble than that. It's annoying and so much of an inconvenience.
There's a student I usually hear from daily and I haven't heard from her in about a week, to the point where I was genuinely concerned...so I started tracking her down. She didn't answer. Her brother didn't answer. So I started reaching out to friends. They said she posted on Instagram so I knew she was okay but then I get a message: "My sister took my phone because I've been procrastinating...I'm sorry I worried you...I love you, dubs."
Part of me is baffled by how baffled they are that someone who doesn't have to care actually cares. It's such a different mindset for me and I often forget that it's not what they're used to and sometimes they just need a reminder.
Luckily, I'm annoying like that. 😉
Aubs
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