The sugar high continues

Since the boys only had school until 12:30, I wasn't sure what state they would be in when they got home.  B asked me to come eat lunch with him, and I intended to, but once I got to the office, they said they were just having lunch in their classrooms, so I went to tell him I'd see him after school instead.  He already had a bit of a gleam in his eye at this point, and they hadn't started lunch yet.

Oh boy.

When they got home, N charged in the door at least 5 minutes before B, so I prepared myself for the worst.  It came in the form of something that went a little like this:

"HIMOMI'MHOMEFROMSCHOOLANDIDON'THAVETOGOBACKFOR17DAYS
ANDIT'S4DAYS'TILCHRISTMASANDIHADASRPITEANDARINGPOPANDA
CANDYCAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

God help us all.

They were both ridiculously irritating, so I made them go outside, back down the stairs, do 15 jumping jacks, and then come back in so we could start their Christmas break again.  N only needed to do this once.  B, on the other hand, needed to start over several times, and then (I suspect) he just liked going out and jumping around and coming back in.  Final tally?  N: 1 restart, B: 17.

I let N work off some of his grounded time by helping me straighten up, so then I sent them out to ride scooters while I finished laundry.  I lead such an exciting life.  I went outside to check on them and saw B attempting to swing his scooter over his head like you would a battle ax or a tomahawk or something.  So, I did what every good parent would do...I yelled at him.  This is not his first offense.  He does it regularly, jumping off or kicking it up and nearly hitting someone with it 9 times out of 10.

One of their friends came over to see if they wanted to go to the playground instead, so they took off.  Twenty minutes later, B and two of N's friends come racing inside...just as I'm wrapping the last two presents (one for B, and the other one is something "the boys" got me) screaming, "N's hurt!  N's hurt bad!"  Being the person I am, I freak out, and take off running.  They said he wiped out on his scooter and landed on his arm and slid across the pavement.  Awesome.  All three of those things are my favorite...especially when I turn the corner and see the kid in the middle of the "road" going through the apartment complex.  He was on his stomach and his left arm was the injured arm...the same arm that got broken in two places by a much larger boy at daycare in 1st grade.

I get over there, and drag him out of the traffic path, and notice his left knee and arm are all skinned up, and his left pinky (pinkie if you wanna go all Scottish) was swollen.  Super!  It was a long walk/hobble home, and as we walked, he sniffled and told me why he wiped out.  See, he was trying to get as far away from B as possible...because B kicked up his scooter (like he isn't supposed to) and hit a car 'causing the flippin' car alarm to go off.  Long story short, B's grounded from scooters for life at my house (which he probably won't care about anyway after he gets his electric scooter from his dad's house, don't even get me started on that one), N is skinned, but fine, and I really needed a drink.

Instead, I made dinner and we went to get hot chocolate before heading to the historic part of Farmers Branch for Holiday Lane.  While we were waiting for our hot chocolate, we ran into a guy I went to high school with; he was sitting maybe 10 feet from us, feeding his baby girl a bottle.  That happens a lot when you move back to the town you graduated from...  It's been a long time.  It's a park that they decorate every year, and the boys love it.  If you haven't been, and you're around this area, you should definitely go.  Santa stops to talk to each car at the end and passes out candy canes.  We discussed his favorite cookies (sugar) and the best snacks for reindeer (carrots and oatmeal). 

We got home just in time to change into pjs (N & me; B wore his and slippers to Holiday Lane) and turn on The Santa Clause.  I realized, maybe 20 minutes into it, that B had never seen it in its entirety, and man...he was glued to the screen like nobody's business.  He was also hacking up a storm.  A couple of puffs of his inhaler and a coke later, he was feeling much better.  I always get glares when I give my kid coke at random times, but when he's having asthma issues, it really does help.

We finished the movie, and now they're in their beds and I have mine back.  And here I sit, in the exact middle of the bed, leaning against six pillows that belong to nobody but me.

And I don't have to share if I don't want to...so there!

Aubs

Christmas parties, sugar highs, and weirdly worded compliments?

Typically, I’m the one who has full conversations with the boys when they’re being pains about something by voicing both my part and their part.  If I ask them to clean up, then I answer myself all respectfully in hopes that they’ll pick up on it.  Mostly, they just laugh.  Today, though, B had his own little conversation after I started it for him.  It went something like this:

Me: B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

B (acting as me): Why did you pee all over the seat in my bathroom and not wipe it up, B?

B: I was in a hurry mom.

B (acting as me): B, you know you’re not going to be allowed to use my bathroom unless it’s a super emergency if you don’t respect my space.

B: I know, but I was in a hurry.  I won’t do it again, Mom.

B (acting as me): Okay, B, I trust you.  Now go clean it up.

B: I was just going to.  I love you.

B (acting as me): I love you too, B, the very best of everyone in the world…way more than N.

And that’s how our day started off, folks.

I’ve been putting off taking care of my pididdle (aka one headlight out) for several days by simply not driving after dark or getting pulled over and explaining I had just bought the bulb.  Believe it or not, I’ve gotten a warning or two, but that’s about it.  This morning, I decided to actually put some effort into it and open the hood of my car.  So, I did, and after I found the little stand thingy to hold it open so it wouldn’t fall down on my head, I was completely perplexed, so I gave up.  Do NOT come to me with your automotive needs.  I’m useless.

Instead, I went back upstairs and took a nap in preparation for the Christmas parties I said I’d help out with this afternoon.  That was a much better idea, and a great use of my time.   True story.  After I got up (again) and was ready to go, I had to make a few trips downstairs with the gift baskets.  Those things are not exactly stable and totally unbalanced.  If I’d been smart, I would’ve put them in seatbelts.  As soon as I stopped at the first stop sign, I heard, “THUNK, THUNK, THUNK-THUNK-THUNK-THUUUUUUUNK.”  Great.

Fast forward to the parties:  The first graders were due back in the classroom for their party at 1:45, but the teachers decided to take them outside for 15 minutes to let them run off some of their energy…you know, before giving them cookies with 3” of icing and stuff like that.  While they were doing that, I reconstructed gift baskets in what felt like a tornado, and delivered N’s basket upstairs, where they were also prepping for their party.  Then I had to go back through the tornado, where my shirt ended up flipped up and twisted sideways and my hair was standing straight up, to reconstruct the other basket and haul it inside.  By that point, you could hear the thunder of a jillion munchkins ready to party, and I got back just in time.  I helped 20 first graders open their bottles of water and watched their faces turn from normal to smeared with red frosting from ear to ear.  They looked like little Heath Ledgers all Joker-ish.  It was fun, but I knew I was in for a hellish afternoon.  There’s a reason I don’t let B consume massive amounts of sugar.  I chose that exact moment to head upstairs to N’s party where I counted Bunco scores for tables while they had a super-speed round of Bunco.  It.  Was.  Hilarious.  They finished up pretty quickly, and I headed back downstairs to collect B and wait for N.

Check that.  I tried to collect B, but he was bouncing off of every wall and surface he could find.  Also, his class did a gift exchange, where they each brought 20 of something…so everyone ended up with 20 goodie bags of sorts.  Read: lots of candy and pencils…and a PEZ dispenser.  On the way out to the car, as we were crossing in the crosswalk, I asked B if he wanted to put all of his junk in my trunk.  This caused the crossing guard (aka Music teacher) to burst out laughing, and several others overheard and were cracking up.  B, never missing an opportunity to entertain, busted into a completely inappropriate dance in the middle of the crosswalk, while N and I kept walking, pretending he didn’t exist.  N mentioned that he was having a movie day tomorrow (they only have a ½ day) and asked if he could bring a Sprite with him…which meant a trip to Market Street was in order. 

We went and got more than just Sprite, and both of them were asking for everything under the sun.  Sometimes, I hate that they both know how to read.  So, as we were checking out, they’re both giggling and B is going NUTS, and I look at the guy behind the register (who is all of 18 and just finished his first semester of college) and it goes like this:

Me: I’m so sorry…Christmas party day.  They, or at least he, had entirely too much sugar.

Him: I remember Christmas parties in elementary school…wait, are these YOUR children?

Me: Yep!  They sure are.

Him: No way!  You don’t look old enough to be a parent.

Me: Oh, no…they’re mine, but thanks.

Him (gesturing to N): What is he, about 8?

Me: No, he’s 10, and the spaz over there is 7.

B (veins popping out of his neck): I just TUUUUUUUUUURNED 7!

Him: Wow, no way!  You’re holding up quite nicely.

Me: Um, thank you?

As we walk away, my shoulders start shaking with laughter, and the boys are trying to figure out why I’m laughing.  When we get out to the car, I’m rolling…  I’m holding up quite nicely?  What.  The.  Hell.  Who says that?  It was too funny to keep to myself, so I called my dad and he was equally amused.

When we got home, I started to walk upstairs, and said, “Uh, what’s that noise?  And where are my keys?!”  Apparently, I forgot to turn my car off.  And then, we had this one:

B: Mom, do we have to celebrate Christmas?
Me: Um, yeah?  Why?
B: Well, we could celebrate Hannukah instead.
Me: Yeah, but we're not Jewish.
B: Does that matter or something?
Me & N: Uh...yeah.
B: Oh.  Okay...are you sure?
Me: Go away.

And off he went.

Obviously, I’ve had more than my fair share of fun today…and it just kept coming.  B’s sugar high came to a very abrupt end, and the result was bottoming out like I’ve never seen.  We’re talking, sprawling in the middle of the area of the parking lot where they play, screaming like a cat that’s been run over 16 times.  That happened three different times.
 
I questioned whether he was mine several times this afternoon.  Then, in the semi-darkness, we went over to N’s dad’s house to play with baby E while N’s dad changed the headlight on my car.  Apparently, it was way more complicated than I was prepared for…and that’s why I appreciate having him around.  We (and by “we” I mean me) passed on going to grab dinner because B was still in rare form, and I drove home super-speedy-quick.  They ate a quick dinner, I literally pushed them into the shower, and they were in bed 45 minutes early.  Why?  Because I couldn’t take one more minute…

But, now?  I’m laughing at the hilarity of the day.  And I’m smelling the coffee that I already have in the coffee pot, anxiously awaiting me tomorrow morning.  Because tomorrow?  Tomorrow, they get out at 12:30, and I’m going to need all the help I can get to deal with the undoubted sugar rush that’s headed my way.

Oh, and I got a text from my mom saying the T-Rex shirt came to her house instead of mine.  Hooray!

 

Aubs

Apparently, I'm holding up nicely...Who knew?  It was actually my boys' suggestion to take a picture of what "holding up nicely" looks like, "Whatever that means, Mom."  Awesome.  They're so fun!

From the worst start to the best ending

I'm not going to lie...this morning was not my proudest moment as a parent.  We all have them, but today, I really exceeded my worst expectations.  N has this Mavs jersey that he loves, but it's getting too small for him.  He still wants to wear it to school, but I think it looks weird, so I tell him he needs to just wear it to play in, not to school.  He is my child though, and every once in a while, he tries to see if he can get away with wearing it.

This morning was no exception.  He wasn't wearing it when he got in the car, but as the bus pulled up and he got out of the car, I noticed he was wearing it.  I told him to take it off, and he looked at me like he didn't even realize he had put it on.  Sorry, kid...your mom's a lot smarter than that.  I made him take it off, and told him I didn't appreciate him lying to me, that it wouldn't go over very well for him to be deceitful to his mother.  He insisted that he wasn't being deceitful, and I blatantly ignored him and told him to hurry up and get on the bus.  As he walked off, head down in defeat, I stopped and said (out loud to myself), "Why am I being so mean?"  The truth was, I had no idea.  I almost jumped out of the car and took him the stupid jersey to let him wear it, but I didn't want to call attention to him.  Then I thought about going to the school and waiting for him to get there, but again, I didn't want to embarrass him.

It was eating away at me, and I felt so horrible about it, so I decided to take him lunch to apologize and try to make amends.  I took him one of his favorites, and he was surprised to see me.  I apologized to him, and he told me he had also been feeling badly about the whole situation.  I told him I'd see him after school, and left him to eat lunch with his friends.  When he got home, he went into his room and found the note I had written him, apologizing, and vowing to try harder to give him the benefit of the doubt...because I could tell after I blew up at him this morning, that he wasn't trying to be malicious.  He was just being a boy.  He's so mature in so many ways, that sometimes I forget he's only 10.

I wish I could say the discord ended there...but it didn't.  I got an email from one of his teachers saying he was turning in late assignments, and there were two so far this week.  We had just had a conversation about late assignments, and I told him if there were any this week, he'd be grounded for a month.  It's time for this mom to play hardball because all he's doing is making it harder on himself.  Right?  Right.  He got so angry when he realized it was happening.  He blew up, from the inside out, and I just let him.  Sometimes you just have to.  The good news?  He eventually got over it and finished all of the assignments that were late.  I guess that's something.  Right?

As the afternoon/evening wore on, I made brownies for the boys' teachers and, on a whim, made them queso as well.  Why not?  We put the baskets together, ate some dinner, and the boys went to bed...mostly without incident.  It was a good ending to their day.  As I was waiting for the brownies to cool, I caught up with an old friend and dumped a whole lot of advice on him.  I'm happy to dissect other people's troubles, but tend to stay as far away from my own as possible.  In this case, addressing some of his problems served a dual purpose: he and I are a lot more alike than either of us would care to admit.  I guess it's why we've been friends for so long.

After a long conversation, catching up on the past several months, I was on a roll and caught up with a couple of my girlfriends, too.  It was then that my Twinkie and I realized we're both going to be in the same city in July!!!  A visit is so long overdue...I can't wait for next summer.  I have no words to describe how excited I am about this.

Of course, the world can't end on Friday if this is going to work... 

I have too many people I haven't seen in entirely too long, and if you're wondering if you're one of them, you probably are.

Aubs

Wants vs. Needs

This is something that has been on my mind quite a bit lately.  For the most part, I have always gotten what I’ve needed…and most (if not all) of what I’ve wanted.  Call me spoiled if you want to, but I call myself blessed, blessed beyond measure to have parents who were selfless and always put their children first, parents who so often did without just to make sure we had enough.  It wasn’t until I became an older teenager, that I realized just how much my parents sacrificed to make sure my sister and I had what we wanted/needed. 

This year, as I battle with what my boys want versus what they need, I’m even more cognizant of the sacrifices of my parents.  They still sacrifice: their time, their energy, their financial resources, even their homes, to provide for their children.  Being a parent isn’t something that stops when your children hit a certain age.  Once you become a parent, you’re in it for life.  My issue, it seems, is drawing the fine line between what they want and what they need.

B seems to have no trouble fitting in anywhere he goes.  He’s full of personality, and he’s at the age where, if someone doesn’t like him, he gets upset for a minute, and then finds someone else to annoy, I mean befriend.  He doesn’t know a stranger, which is both thrilling and terrifying as his mom.  N, on the other hand, seems to have a lot more difficulty fitting in.  He is caught up with what people will think if he doesn’t wear clothing that mirrors the other boys in his grade, but don’t even think about telling him that he doesn’t have to be a follower.  No, he thinks, by copying the other boys, that he’s being a leader, and although I’ve tried to talk to him about being his own person countless times, it’s no use. 

First, it was basketball shorts on a daily basis, followed by long socks, and now we’re in the Nike Elite stage.  He’s 10.  When my mom asked him what he wanted for Christmas, and he replied, “Socks.” he wasn’t kidding.  Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t understand why I would spend $15 per pair of socks for a 10 year-old who will undoubtedly outgrow them in a few short months.  I realize it’s the “thing” this year, but next year it will be something different, and so on and so forth.  Kids are dang expensive, and he’s not even a teenager.  Can you imagine how much “fun” it will be in a couple of years, and then when B hits the teen years, too?  I can’t wait.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, wants vs. needs.  N wants specific socks, but does he need them?  No, but as his parent, I’m wired to want to give them to him, if I can.  I still haven’t been able to justify that one yet.  Do they need new video games to keep them entertained?  No, but I need them to have them if I want to be able to study next semester and/or keep a tiny shred of my sanity.  They need clothes, but they want basketball shorts in every color.  Is that a want or a need?  It’s kind of both, but (my main argument point) they can’t wear basketball shorts for special occasions or to church…and that, my friends, is how I won that argument.

Not that I wouldn’t have won anyway.  I AM the adult after all.  Even though they try their hardest (and are sometimes successful) to wear me down, at the end of the day, I still call the shots.  What I say goes, and they can gripe all they want, but it doesn’t change a thing.  It also has me considering my own wants and needs. 

Do I need a Keurig?  Nope, but it sure would make caffeinating my body easier in the mornings.  I’ve pled my case to my dad at least a dozen times on this one…to no avail.  It’s okay though, I can make due with what I have.  Do I need to go bust butts for spitting water all over the bathroom while brushing their teeth?  Absolutely, without question, the answer is yes.

Okay, then.  While I’d love to be the fun parent, the one who gives in and doesn’t discipline and goes with the flow, I can’t.  I need to be the disciplinarian, because that’s the only consistent factor in their lives.  They know, regardless of where they are or what they’re doing, they have to answer to me for their choices.  I want (and need) to be more patient, too.  I have zero tolerance for my boys when they’re just being kids and driving me crazy.  Try as I might, that just bothers me like nobody’s business.  To everyone else, I’m sure it just seems like they’re having a good time, being silly, and laughing about it, but to me?  It seems like they’re blatantly disrespecting the fact that I told them to behave, and ignoring any and every word of caution I gave them before entering wherever we might be at that moment in time.

Which leads me to my next want/need: I want/need to not jump so quickly into angry mode.  It doesn’t take much to put me in that place, and I hate it.  Each night, before I fall asleep, I talk to God and tell Him how I’m trying to be less angry and how I could really use His help.  And each night, I fall asleep thinking tomorrow will be the day that things turn around…and each day, I feel like it’s gotten worse.  It’s not my proudest admission, by far, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who gets this way.  At least, I hope not…  I know everyone who has kids sees even the tiniest bit of bad behavior amplified, while passersby see mischievous lively children.  I wish I could look at it from a stranger’s point of view.

While at some point in my life, I want to date someone again, I don’t need to.  I’ve gotten way past where having someone in my life was a need.  I used to think I needed someone to make my life complete, but it turns out, I just need myself.  Although it would be great to share my life with someone, and to have that someone be a role model to my children, I’m doing the best I can.  Someday, they’ll see that…I hope. 

In fact, I was having a conversation with an old friend earlier today, giving him advice on relationships, which (can I just say) is kind of hilarious coming from me because I’m obviously the worst person to ask about relationships.  Actually, I’m not.  I give really good advice when it comes to other people’s relationships, but I just can’t seem to follow my own advice.  If I did, I’d totally be…well, I don’t know, but something different, and potentially better right about now.  Anyway, I told him something that really struck a chord with how I’ve been in the past as well.  I’d say someone famous said it, but I’m pretty sure I made it up.  You need to find a person who knows who you are and what you’re about, who will call you on your bullshit.  Because you need that…  You can’t go through life, tiptoeing around other people’s feelings.  That’s not living…

And it’s true.  He and I have been friends for years, and even though I don’t like what he has to say sometimes, I know it’s the truth.  I know he wouldn’t steer me wrong, because if he did, I’d track him down and kick him in the shin.  Laugh all you want, but I would…without hesitation.  Those friendships are rare, where you can really just be who you are without any fear; and I’m really fortunate to have friendships like that.  I’d be grateful to have just one, but I’ve been blessed with several.  I’m such a lucky girl.

There were so many more that I thought of earlier today, but they seem entirely inconsequential now.  The bottom line is: we all have wants and we all have needs, but being able to place a solid line between the two is difficult.  It’s a constant battle between what we all really need and what we’d really like to have.  It’s age-old, and something that will never vary.  Yes, the wants and needs will change over time, but the line, however flexible it may be, will always be there.

Which side of the line are you on? 

Aubs

My little helper

After a semi-rocky start to our Monday, which may or may not have involved homework that was pointedly ignored by a certain 10 year-old all weekend, the boys jumped on the bus wearing green in honor of the victims from Sandy Hook Elementary.  They didn't know why they were wearing green, just that I asked them to.  I rarely pull rank when it comes to clothing choices for school, so they tend to give me a little less grief than they normally would about anything else.  We all wore green today, and each time I saw someone else wearing green/white, I wondered if they were wearing it for the same reasons I was.

I wish I could put my finger on exactly why this is having such an impact on my life.  I know I'm not the only one.  B being the same age as the littles who were killed probably has a lot to do with it.  Having friends who are teachers, teachers who would do the exact same thing without hesitation, probably has a lot to do with it.  Being a parent probably has the most to do with it.  But I think the thing that gets me the most is, like the tragedies that have happened recently where I live, there are no boundaries on this grief.  It is not felt just by those in Connecticut or on the east coast; it is nationwide.  No, it's worldwide.  People all over the world feel the raw emotion, and there is a sense of solidarity, even though our world is completely chaotic at times.

It's sad that it takes the deaths of innocent people, children no less, for this to happen.

I noticed the other day that I have a pididdle on my car, aka one headlight is out.  I had a ton of things to do today, but that kind of jumped to the top of the list.  I'm going to attempt to change it myself, but I honestly have no idea what I'm doing.  It has to be pretty dang easy though, right?  I also had to go to Target.  How is that different from any other day?  It's not.  As I was heading to check out, I looked up and into the eyes of someone I knew.  It took me a few minutes to place him, partially because it caught me off guard, and I could tell he was trying to do the same.  As I was checking out, I looked over where he was, just to be sure it was who I thought it was, and he was gone.  I went on about my business, then felt eyes on me again.  He had moved to the register next to mine, and was looking at me, puzzled.  I smiled, but didn't say anything...because it's fun to watch people try to figure it out.  I only went to the high school I graduated from for 3 years, so I don't really feel like I'm that memorable, but he was trying so hard.  That was when I realized that I was not wearing make-up and my hair was in a messy bun(ish), and I wondered why this always happens to me.  Probably because (according to my dad anyway) I'm "closed for business."

I can't type that without laughing.  I love my family.

Tonight was "breakfast for dinner" since we haven't had one of those nights in a while.  B wanted to help make the pancakes, but I refuse to let him crack the eggs because he pulverizes them.  I learned my lesson after 7 or 8 tries.  I let him mix the wet ingredients, and then I gave him the job of sifting the dry ingredients.  He got a little over excited about the sifter, so part of the flour mixture ended up on the counter.  He kept asking if he could taste the dry ingredients, and I kept telling him no.  I don't see how flour, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, and salt could possibly be a tasty combination.  When part of the mixture was discovered on the floor, I asked him to clean it up.  he said he didn't know how, so I suggested a paper towel, a sponge, or the vacuum cleaner.  When he offered the option of using his tongue, I just stared at him while he grinned and said, "Nevermind.  I'll vacuum!"

Who is this kid?  Oh right, he's mine.

I sent them to bed kind of early because they were slacking on their laundry duties and I had a killer headache, but they went to bed without (major) incident, so I went back and let them watch the cartoon version of "The Grinch."  B was so grateful; he was worried that he would have bad dreams about the zombie hands that he saw at his aunt's house.  (His dad's sister's house, not my sister, just to clarify.)

Tomorrow, I have some treats to make for teacher Christmas gifts, and then I fully intend to relax.  My grades have finally been posted, and the 4.0 semester is a reality.  I actually ended up getting a perfect score on all of my major papers this semester, too, so I'm pretty happy with that.  We'll see how things go next semester.

Oh, I found this super-cute hoodie for B, and so far, I've ordered it from two different places, only to find out it's on backorder.  Keep your fingers crossed that this last place with come through.  When I saw it, I immediately thought of him.  Is this not the most perfect thing for him?!

I have a little bit of time, since the boys both leave on Saturday and won't be home until the 28th.  It's going to be really tough not seeing the boys on Christmas.  That's never happened before.

At least I have my kids.  So many families will have presents sitting under the tree, unopened, this year.  And it still breaks my heart, as I'm sure it will for quite some time.

Aubs

My little helper and me during our field trip to see Junie B. Jones, Jingle Bells, Batman Smells last Friday.  He's 7...the same age as some of those precious babies who, as we were laughing and singing along, were being shot and killed.  I know 6 and 7.  I live it everyday...and now there are some who won't be able to live it anymore.  Newtown, Connecticut is constantly in my mind, heart, and prayers.

Crossing Christmas shopping off my list

I'm done.  And it feels so good to type that.  I ordered N's present for B this afternoon, and that was the last of it.

Everything is wrapped, under the tree, and ready to go.  I have to get some stamps so I can mail my Christmas cards...they've only been sitting on my table, all addressed, for a week now. 

I've kind of been dreading tomorrow morning.  I know others have probably talked to their kids about the tragedy that struck Newtown, Connecticut on Friday, but I'm not one of them.  I received an email from the school district, outlining what will (and will not) be said by teachers and special measures that they are taking to make sure the kids feel safe.

Have I mentioned how grateful I am to be in this school district?

I had a totally low key day today.  It consisted of movies, present wrapping, and working on a Christmas puzzle.  I don't have any cats, though, so hold any and all old lady comments until further notice.  Both of my boys came home, and we spent a little bit of time together before bed.

It's going to be another full week with my boys, and even though they drive me completely insane sometimes, I'm dwelling more on the fact that I have them; they're alive and healthy, and less on the insane part.  Or at least, I'm going to try.  Rome wasn't built in a day, and all that.

Patience is a virtue that seems to have skipped me when it comes to my own children.  I can be kind and caring and patient all day long, but I think maybe my expectations for my own boys might be too high.  And to be honest, I'm not really sure how to change that.

I keep telling myself that I'm going to be more understanding and not let little things make me angry, but it's a lot more short-lived than I'd like it to be.  When it's just one of them, we're good...but put both of them in the mix, and my fuse is practically non-existent.

Which is why I had to smile tonight when N told me he needed to talk to me.  It went like this:

N: Mom, B is really not so much of the problem.  He's okay most of the time, it's just...
Me: What?
N: Well, sometimes I wish I were an only child.
Me: Honey, everyone who has siblings thinks that at some point in their lives.  Sometimes they even think it when they're grown-ups.
N: Have you thought that about Aunt Katie?
Me: Only about 54 times...and even as a grown-up once or twice.  It's just the way it goes.  We're human.  Sometimes we think we'd rather be an only child, but think about how boring that would be.
N: If you say so.

Both boys have such caring and compassionate hearts.  I really am so blessed to be their mom.  I just have to remember that the next time they make me absolutely insane!

Aubs

Am I the only one who thinks the beast in "Beauty & the Beast" is cuter that the human prince?

I woke up this morning with Connecticut still weighing heavily on my mind.  I'm sure that can be said of a lot of people today and tomorrow and next week.  I still cannot fathom how someone could murder innocent children.  Mental issues or not...

If this person did, in fact, have mental issues, I wish he had been able to get help.  I hope more people will be open to the idea of asking for help if they're having problems.  I hope more people will be more aware of people who are acting outside of their normal behavior, and talk to them about it.  A simple, "Hey, you don't really seem like yourself lately...is everything okay?" could do wonders.  Who knows?

I went to my first basketball game of the season this morning, and it just so happened to be against N's baseball coach from the fall season.  Although our team kept his team from scoring for the entire first quarter, it didn't last.  Final score?  19-4.  The boys were so dejected, so the coach decided to give them a pep talk.  It went a little something like this:

Coach: Did they beat us or did we beat ourselves?
Boys (glumly): We beat ourselves.
Coach: We did a great job of holding them to no points in the first quarter, but we didn't continue that.  We didn't do anything we didn't practice this week right?
Boys (confused): Right?
Coach: Our next game is January 5, so I think that's the next time we see each other.  So, over the break, I want you to practice with your ball.
Boys: Yes sir
Coach: You know what I'm going to wish for for Christmas?
Boys: What?
Coach: I'm going to wish for better players for Christmas.
<Dead Silence>

I looked at N's dad, who was wide-eyed, looking at me and said, "Did he really just say that?"  Obviously, I hope that wasn't what he meant, and it just came out wrong, but the damage was kind of already done...N's baseball coach waved us over, so we went to congratulate him on his win, and told him what the coach just said.  His reply?  Horrified stare, followed by "Awesome..."  I told him I was just going to start requesting him for every team sport, and he said there was a waiting list, but if anyone could make it happen, it would be me.  Um, thanks?

I ran some errands, then came home to read and relax.  I knew I needed to go to Grapevine Mills (to the puzzle store) but I lacked motivation.  I finally made myself get up and go, and as I was driving there, my thoughts drifted back to the littles in Connecticut.  The list of victims showed name after name after name, each of them followed by a "6" or "7" as their age, and each caused my heart to break and my eyes to fill with tears.  These boys and girls are my B's age.  He may drive me crazy from time to time, but I can hug him and have a conversation with him and spend time with him whenever I want.  The families of the victims in Newtown won't be able to do that until God calls them home to reunite them with their loved ones.

And then, I looked up and saw the faintest rainbow, and I just stared in awe.  Our God is the most powerful creator, THE planner of all of us, and He gives and takes away.  He gave these individuals to their families for such a short period of time, and He took them away when He decided it was time.  It doesn't make the loss any easier, and I know I wouldn't be able to look at it this way if I were in their shoes...but at some point, I would hope I'd be able to let go and let God handle it.

Just like I pray they will be able to do at some point.  I hope the families of the teachers and staff members who paid the ultimate price to protect their school babies know just how heroic their loved ones are.  To defy a person literally holding your life in his hands, knowing your death is more than likely inevitable, and still tell that person your students are elsewhere...well, that has to be one of the bravest things I've ever heard.  It makes the tears that are permanently welled up in my eyes spill over.

The pain and grief is so raw right now, and it will only continue to build.  There are questions for which there will never be answers.  There are goodbyes left unsaid; kisses and hugs one-sided, and smiles left only to photographs.  My heart is so heavy, and again, I'm reminded that these kids were my baby's age.

And it just isn't fair.  I know life isn't fair, but this is just so beyond the realm of fairness.

So, I came home from the mall, opened a puzzle, and turned on Disney princess movies.  Beauty and the Beast is my favorite.  Ever since I saw it in theaters when I was a kid, I've thought Beast was much more handsome than his human form.  I have no idea what that says about me, but my opinion doesn't waver.  I know.  It's weird.

And now, I'm headed to bed.  I'm really looking forward to going to church tomorrow.  I know I'm not the only one looking to God for peace and special prayers continue to go up to Him for all of these people who are trying to figure out how to live without those they love the most.

I can't imagine...and at the same time, I realize Newtown, Connecticut could have been anywhere.  It could've been Coppell, Texas.

I pray to God nobody I know ever has to experience the nightmare these poor people are living right now.

Aubrey