Despite talking "big," I've had very few legit relationships. Because none of those people read my blog, I'm going to "tell all" mostly because I'm in a real funk for reasons unknown and verbal diarrhea is a great stress reliever.
I'm also going to gloss over high school because...awkward. Besides, "dating" in high school (for me anyway) consisted of me going to my Senior Prom with a friend because my BOYFRIEND at the time had already asked a FRESHMAN before we started dating, and he "couldn't un-invite her." Trust me, I'm not holding a grudge...I just can't believe I made myself be okay with that. Seriously.
Idiot.
I must first discuss my first serious relationship that never actually was before I touch on my actual first serious relationship. The summer I graduated from high school, our extended family went camping (like we always do) and we met a ton of boys (like we always do) and picked our favorites to hang out with (like we always do). I ended up spending a ton of time with one in particular, a boy headed off to boot camp (SOOOO cliche, I know), so we spent our time living in the moment...making out and breaking lawn chairs. Don't ask. I mean, do....if you want to hear a story that will make you giggle. It was quite the summer. In fact, I'm still known to blush and bite my lip when I talk about it to this day.
Anyway, this group was from a town 2 hours away from where we lived, so in the fall of that same year, my sister and I decided to go visit the group, my boot camper not included, although that summer was NOT the last time I'd ever see him, and I'm crossing my fingers (and my toes) that I'll add more sightings to my list. Someday. But I digress...so, while hanging out in the living room of one of their homes, a boy walked through the front door while I was in the middle of saying something. I stopped mid-word, he came to a halt mid-step, and it was straight up out of a movie. We just stared...for what seemed like minutes, but was probably only seconds. We spent the rest of the day together, and I made a couple more trips out there after that. And while we only kissed a handful of times, we wrote actual LETTERS, y'all...with stamps and envelopes and handwritten page after page after page. It never failed: I would write him something that would freak him out and he'd take a while to respond while I went INSANE on my end. Then he would send me something that would totally freak me out and I wouldn't respond and then I'd find out he'd started dating someone else. It was our cycle. But it never mattered how much time passed (we're still friends, almost 16 years later) because we'd always pick up right where we left off, with flirtatious banter and reminiscing and "what ifs" that we'd never act upon. Oh. And he was also my boot camper's brother. Funny how things work out...
My first serious relationship ended up being with N's dad. We dated for 2 years before N came along. I was determined to be there for him and be his support system because I was convinced his family wasn't as supportive as they should've been while he tried to find his way. He had a lot of growing up to do. His mom told me, at one point, that I wasn't helping him, but doing him a disservice instead. I'd never tell her how much I agree with her NOW, but at the time, I wasn't listening. We broke up and got back together more times than I can count. We grew up in very different homes: My parents were married until I graduated from high school, while his got married and divorced TWICE during his childhood. Some of his friends became very dear to my heart, and some of those amazing friends are no longer with us, which makes it hard, but also gives us a bond that can't be broken...a bond aside from being co-parents of our soon-to-be teenager. He and I had very different ideas on pretty much everything, and we still do. But, we co-parent pretty well in spite of it all. Usually.
After a couple of years of singleness and focusing on mommy duties, I decided to get back out there. I will be the first to admit that I was totally naive and trusting, especially when it came to taking the word of those I deemed trustworthy. I was not the best judge of character at this point, but hindsight is totally 20/20. I started working at a job I loved, but had to sacrifice time with my child to do it, so as soon as I could, I changed departments to give me an opportunity to work a normal schedule. Hindsight: Bad idea.
I met a man. He was funny and flirtatious and sweet. He was a musician, he was always heading to "the studio" and he had two daughters from his first marriage...his first marriage that was over and he was looking for somewhere to live closer to his work since his ex-wife wouldn't let him see his daughters very often. I bet a zillion red flags are waving in your heads right now. There were none in mine. One night, he told me he was hanging out with his daughters and spending some time in his studio. Being me, I decided to surprise him. So I drove out to where he was, and I drove past the house. And I drove past again to make sure I had the address right. And then I almost kept driving while asking myself, "Could I ever fall in love with a man whose home is a trailer?" And then I got disgusted with myself because that shouldn't matter...but it really did. And then I discovered the studio he went to was actually his computer with equipment hooked up to it. And then I discovered that he wasn't divorced, but living there, separately (or so he said). But I didn't let that phase me, and I cannot FOR THE LIFE OF ME tell you why. And then, I made some stupid choices, and...along came B. So we stuck together and made a go of it, but I'm pretty sure it was tainted from the very beginning. It deteriorated rapidly, and by the time B was 3, the boys and I had moved in with my mom and he had moved in with the woman B would start calling "Stepmom" later that same year.
I threw myself into being a mom and going to school and realizing I was SO good at both of those things. I had very little time for anything else, and absolutely no desire to have anyone else in my life...except for sometimes when the "what ifs" would creep into my brain. They'd find their way back out almost as quickly as they arrived, but it made for some lonely moments. For 4 years, I steered clear of men and relationships and by the time 2013 rolled around, I thought I was ready to give it another shot.
And that's when I tried to go a different route and go for a type I had never given the time of day: the quieter, more sensitive and more caring man. I think it was too much of a change, because I found myself playing the stereotypical male role...consoling him and reassuring him and making all of the decisions and, whenever he did try to submit some kind of authority, all it took was a deadpan stare and he would crumble and defer to me. It was awful. And it dragged on WAY longer than it ever needed to. It got to the point where I told him it wasn't working and he begged me to tell him what he could do to make it better and I literally told him, "You need to grow a pair...I need testosterone. I feel like the guy in the relationship, and there's NO reason for that. You cry infinitely more than I ever have." We saw less and less of each other and finally we just stopped talking. He text me a few months later saying he missed me and I (not-so-tactfully) unloaded on him. We haven't talked since, and I'm not even remotely sad about that.
So I went back to focusing on school and being a mom and sports and what I was going to do next (Surprise! More school!) until my boys started asking me when I was going to get married or, at the very least, get a boyfriend. I told them I didn't know, and asked them what they thought would make a good boyfriend. They gave me some criteria, and most of it was surprisingly thoughtful. It was obvious they really thought about it before they answered. Overall, they want me to date someone who is cool with all of us and likes to spend time with us. They want someone who loves me and who makes me happy. And as I think about how hard they worked to come up with these ideas, my eyes fill up with tears because they really do have their sweet moments. They're few and far between, but it's obvious (to me) that they're really missing out on that male aspect in their lives here.
Still, it's really hard to go from being a well-oiled machine of singleness back to being in the dating game. What I want and what I probably need are different. I'm sure there's some overlap somewhere, but where there is overlap, there are also vast differences. I had lunch with a very kind man on Sunday. He is easy to talk to and he willingly listens to all of the opinions and stories I have to tell. I've known him for a while, and so it's nice that there's a level of familiarity. Could it go anywhere? I don't know. It's too soon to tell, and I don't know if there will be any additional time spent together. I know he's asked, and I've said it would be nice, but I don't know if I feel "it." And maybe these things take time. I've jumped the gun a fair number of times in the past...maybe it's supposed to go this way. I have no idea.. But at the same time, I know if I had to make a decision "Yay" or "Nay" right this second, I wouldn't hesitate before giving my answer.
That probably says a whole lot right there...so, it appears the well-oiled machine of singleness will continue for now.
Maybe forever. I've been doing it this long...it's not like it would be all that difficult to continue, and my sole focus could remain on my boys and our totally bizarre family of three.
Even if they so desperately want more and I think I do, too.
Maybe.
Aubs
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