I will be the first to tell you that I always have entirely too much on my plate. I know I can say "No" sometimes, but I like the challenge. And I like the crazy chaos, too. It's a huge motivator for me. But, as I started planning my life for this semester, I realized that I may be in a bit of a bind.
I'm taking 18 hours this semester: 12 at a 4 year university (all online), and 6 at a community college (3 in person and 3 online). It's the biggest semester load I've ever taken, although I took 17 hours last spring...but the good thing about that was they were spread out into Wintermesters and staggered start dates. In addition to that, I'm substitute teaching to earn some dollars while I go to school, and the good news about that is that I'm doing it in our school district so the travel time is basically zero. In addition to THAT, N's playing baseball this fall, and I agreed to be the team mom. The coach seems like he's pretty organized, so that should be helpful, but I love being the team mom...it just gives me even more of a reason to socialize AND I already know a couple of the moms, and I like them, which is just an added bonus. In addition to THAT, I also said I would help with room mom activities for B's class this year. I know the lead room mom is in our class, so she'll take the lead (see what I did there?), but I'd be happy to help out when and where I can, if I can, and...yeah.
There aren't enough hours in the day or days in the week to do everything I'd like to do. I'd like to be even more involved/active in their lives, but they just don't want that. Actually, I don't think that's entirely true...I think they want it, but they don't want to seem like "Mama's Boys" so they say they don't. N has told me multiple times over the last year or so that he'd rather have his dad attend his games and practices. When I ask him why, he says, "Because I know you're always going to be there, Mom. You always show up. For everything. And it makes me a Mama's Boy. I'm glad you're there, but I wish Dad would be the one to do all that." It breaks my heart over and over again. It really does. I understand where he's coming from. I think that anyone who has parents who travel or who are divorced or not local, wishes that the absent parent had more of an active role. We take the people who are there, day in and day out, for granted.
The same thing applies with B. For the last 9 months or so, his dad has been deathly ill. It's all mostly under control now, but for a while, it was really serious and I honestly didn't know if B would have a dad on this Earth on multiple occasions. B went from seeing his dad every other week (per our agreement) to not seeing him (and rarely speaking to him) for 3 1/2 months. That's a long time for anyone, but when you're 8? It's like a dozen lifetimes. Even now, as our schedule has mostly gone back to normal, B asks to spend more time over there because he wants to make sure his dad's okay. He realizes the situation was serious, even though we downplayed how serious it was so he wouldn't be terrified, and he needs visual proof that his dad is doing okay. And I find myself getting frustrated, even annoyed, by the fact that he'd rather spend time over there.
It made me realize that I need to slow down and live in the moment instead of focusing on what's coming up. I mean, sure...you need to have an idea of what's coming so you can prepare, but all of that focus on the future takes away from being present. And I make myself so busy that I avoid the present altogether. And that's a terrible idea. It's wreaking havoc on my boys, my relationship with them, and our lives in general.
So, tonight? I drove to pick N up after an evening of swimming at his great-grandparents. I volunteered to do it...and as I drove, I made sure the windows were down, the volume was up on the radio/iPod, the A/C was cranking really low (we DO live in Texas, and it was still 96 as I was headed to pick him up), and my make-up free/messy haired self was singing "Chattahoochee" by Alan Jackson at the top of her lungs, much to the amusement of passersby.
And, to be honest? With the warm breeze blowing and the lights of Grapevine Mills behind me, it ALMOST felt like I was driving through the twists and turns of Garner. Almost.
Aubs
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