Hate in my heart

***Disclaimer: This may be a "heavy" post.  I have no idea how it's going to go, so at least you've been warned.***

I've had some pretty serious hate in my heart for quite sometime.  I've had a fair amount of resentment, too...who doesn't?  The thing is, especially lately, I've let that hate take a prominent role in my life.  I thought I had successfully squelched it, or at least put an airtight lid on it and shoved it on a back burner.  It turns out, I was totally wrong.

Isn't it funny how that happens sometimes?  Today at church, the message was all about entertaining at your table.  The host takes the head of the table position and the honored guest sits to his/her right.  This is a place of importance, a spot intended to wow and dazzle the guest.  It's like that in a church, too...the guest/visitor is the center of attention, being wowed right and left by VIP areas and newcomer classes and even gifts for giving the church a try.  Yes, that seat is important, but what happens when they "drink the koolaid" and decide that they need to take it to the next level?

They move to the second seat, directly across from the host.  Here, a person is considered an "adolescent" Christian.  It's still very much all about them, about having their needs met, their prayers answered.  They have yet to mature into Christianity...and that's where a lot of people get stuck or revert back to when times get tough.  This seat is where being selfish is not outside of the norm, but there's always hope you'll move out of it someday and mature.

When you do, you get to move to the coveted third seat, to the left of the host.  Here, you're (spiritually) mature, regardless of your chronological age.  You look at the bigger picture, and you sacrifice your wants/needs for others.  Here is where I should relate the most; I often make sacrifices for my children to get what they want/need/deserve.  I am happy to go without so my boys can have what is most important to them, but am I doing them a disservice by giving in?  Am I playing into their schemes?  And right about then is when I revert back to selfish activity. 

It seems I do a lot of musical chairs at my table.  Yes, I will host any day of the week...I love to provide for others and make them feel special.  I feel like I am past the "wowing" stage in my Christianity; that I have been sufficiently wooed and am solid in my faith.  I struggle from time to time, but who doesn't?  But that second seat?  Man, it's hard to get out of sometimes.  And again, I relate it to parenting; not only to parenting but to parenting in a "two house" family.

The two house scenario is rough even at the best of times, however, it gets even rougher when there is an uneven number of adults in the equation and you are constantly railroaded and overruled simply because there's one of you and two of them.  It doesn't seem like it would be fair (it isn't), nor does it seem like it should happen amongst grown adults (it shouldn't), but it does.  And I know it happens in more families than my own, but being a biological parent and getting thrown for a total loop by a non-biological parent is a really difficult pill to swallow. 

It's even harder to know (deep down) that you're just a scapegoat for whatever is really going on, and that the stresses they speak of are not all stemming from you.  It's harder still to know that the one who hurts the most from all of this anger/hatred spewing out is your child, the most innocent one of all.  And so, you take it.  And you get mad.  And you hate....you hate hard.  And all of the things that you swept out the door because it was all water under the bridge comes flooding back in like a tsunami.  And that hate?  That hate takes up permanent residence in your heart once more, this time occupying just a LITTLE more space than it did last time.

I will give myself credit for biting my tongue.  When she told me "We're usually good at communicating.  We don't have a past." it took every single ounce of power I possess to not spew out all of the ways that we DO, in fact, have a past.  And it's big.  And ugly.  And it's never been resolved because one person acted like it never existed (who knows...she might not even know.  (she does)) and the other person has been spending the last 4 years putting all of the pieces back together. 

That's what happens when families are not only destroyed but obliterated.  It all goes back to hate.  I can't even look at or talk to anyone from that part of life without wanting to punch something.  Yeah, it's all on me...and I've done a great job of letting go and letting God, but I've jumped back into that second seat at my table.  I want revenge.  I want to do some damage.  I want to cause the hurt instead of feeling it.

And that's probably the worst part of it all.  I don't mind hating.  It drives me.  It's fuel.  It's dangerous.

Aubs