Not-so-empty Nest

After a meeting at school and lunch with my two favorite work men (not workmen but men I work with...I didn't want to say "men at work" because then songs will get stuck in my head, you know, just to clarify) I went to pick up my own incoming freshman. He's spending some time at my house and it's long overdue since we've only seen each other a couple of times while adhering to social distancing guidelines. I haven't had him in my house, eating my food, invading my hula hoop since the beginning of January, aka the beginning of the end.

Side note: Remember that movie, "This is the End" with a shit ton of well-known actors in it? I went to see it with my best movie date, Michelle, on the recommendation of a friend of mine and, after we left, Michelle said Chris was never allowed to have input on our movie dates again. Sorry, Cree Cree! For real, though, I tried to get that movie. I tried to like it. I didn't get it. If there was cinematic brilliance there then I totally missed the boat on that one...or I wasn't drinking enough. That might have also been true. 

But I digress.

Anyway, I picked B up and we came back to my house and he got himself situated while we discussed the grocery list that I failed to buy because I didn't feel like it at the time. It happens. I set up a mobile order for pickup but, as it often happens, I looked at my list and realized there were only 15 things on it so I decided just to go and do it myself. We were just kind of hanging out waiting for my college kid (so weird to say that) to get off work and come over so when B said he wanted to work on homework I said I'd go to the store. Upon my return I discovered B was not, in fact, doing homework for a summer class, but instead playing Xbox.

Shocking.

N arrived in a cranky mood because he was exhausted so we had a rough and rocky start to our time together. He'll only be around for a couple of days because he's working a fair amount this week but it's a bummer that he started off the short amount of time together by being asleep by 7:15. I hope tomorrow is better. I hope we have a good time together. I hope we can channel how it used to be and not how it's become.

Oh, how I miss those days.

I miss the jokes and the laughter and the boy ridiculousness. I miss the innocence and the love and the fierce loyalty. There's so much hurt and hatred and indifference these days. It's hard to be both hateful and indifferent at the same time but it's happening. It's weird.

Lots of things are weird. My head is full of so many things that keep bouncing around but, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get them out in a way that makes sense. Or maybe I can and I just don't want to...I mean, I do...but I don't.

How's that for cryptic?

Aubs

How is it already early-mid June?

I honestly don't even know. I've lost track of the days, weeks, and months any number of times by now. It's crazy to think that June 12 will signify 3 months since I've been at school on a normal schedule. Since then I've been there twice; tomorrow will be three times. I'm going for a meeting to work on aligning planning time effectively across the various levels of the subjects I'll be teaching next year.

As I was sitting on my couch watching the last episode and a half of the History Channel series called "Grant," (more on that in a minute) I had a quasi "oh shit" moment as I realized that I'm responsible for two AP curriculums next year. This isn't a surprise because...what have I been working on with my newly dubbed favorite (just dubbed him...just now...trying it out...not sure it'll stick but we'll see) for the last week and a half? Sure, we have an entertaining time but it's still working on school stuff. Never would I have ever thought I'd dub him a "favorite," but the whole new year new you mentality has really been a game changer, perhaps for both of us.  Anyway. Curriculum. One AP class is stressful because it's preparing students for the course they're taking in high school and also a test that they take to determine if they have to take the class again in college or not. With APUSH you also get to add the additional pressure of it being a state tested subject so there's ANOTHER test they get to take (usually in the same week-10 days) but it's fine. Now, because I thought this would be a genius idea (and others agreed and backed me on the cultivation of this idea) I get to do that for two classes, although only one of them is a tested subject. Reprieve!

It will be fine. By working on aligning and organizing this summer I will feel a lot less overwhelmed going into this school year because I'll have familiarity with the material but, when you just think about it out of the blue, the color might drain from your face and you might have a second where you struggle to breathe. No? Just me. Okay, that's cool.

Grant documentary: When the History Channel releases something new I take it with a grain of salt. The caliber of work that has been released has slipped in recent years and I find it hard to teach half-truths. It's just this crazy standard I have. But I heard the Grant documentary was excellent, really excellent, so last night I watched the first episode. Today when we were working on APUSH, my newly dubbed favorite said, "I watched the Grant documentary last night." and I said, "Me, too! The first episode," and he said, "I watched the first two. It's like a movie with documentary clips," and I agreed. It was really well done. We both agreed that we didn't know a ton about Grant and that was so refreshing to me for some reason. One of the appeals of teaching social studies, especially history, is that it doesn't change. What I focus on might change but it already happened. The bonus is that I learn more each year because I am able to go more in depth. It's especially a bonus when you teach the same subject multiple years in a row, something that hasn't happened for me until now. This coming year I will get to combine last year with the previous year (with a twist since the course changed) and I am wholeheartedly welcoming some familiarity.

I hope I don't choke.

There have been a lot of questions lately. Since I'm a teacher I field questions from students, parents, friends, family, and random people...all asking the same question(s): "What is next year going to look like?" closely followed by "What does that mean for sports?" In order...nobody knows yet but it will probably be a game time decision. We've been told to prepare to teach in person, or online, or a combination of both. See? It's not any clearer to us either. As far as sports the only thing I've heard is sporting events could be closed to spectators. I just don't know. And I am aware that it would really suck for...well everyone....so that's why I don't want to talk about it. What I will say is that a friend of mine from another district sent me an article today that basically said her district is looking at doing classes both in person and online and I responded with the following statement: "So this crap for a variety of reasons, the main one being that digital learning did not work. Kids are even more behind. They can't or won't or don't take it seriously and the district backs itself into a corner because who is going to fail a kid in the midst of a pandemic for staying home to stay safe?" and then I rant a little before continuing, "If you want digital learning to work then you need to rewind the clock and nip the problem in the bud. Then you need to pay teachers overtime during the holiday break to prepare valuable and useful curriculum. Then you need to use the time from January to the end of February to teach online in the classroom so students understand the expectations and THEN roll out digital learning. No pass/fail. No changing it up. Pick something and stick with it. Require students to attend a minimum of one Zoom meeting per week, per class. Use check-ins for attendance. Hold. Them. Accountable. And realize this will never truly work because the inequity, especially in regard to technology and internet access, will always be there. The problem is the precedent has been set and kids will continue to not take it seriously...most of them fail to realize just how much this is hurting them. The few that do understand that they're looking at a huge educational deficit while the majority of them are all, 'Yay! Five months of summer!' and this generation is our future."

And then I stepped down off my soapbox and I'm still waiting for a reply that is not a bitmoji.

In the personal world of Aubs, I've stepped into a huge conundrum and I'm not sure how to solve it. To those of you who know me this is not a shock. To be able to explain it would require way more honesty, frankness, and harsh reality than I choose to put out there right now but...damn...you should see my draft posts. They're full of musings and speculation and utter ridiculously foolish "hearts in your eyes" insanity. It. Is. INSANITY.

I think. Probably. Unless it's not.

UGH. Men. I swear.

Aubs

Word Fits

Today while my APUSH buddy and I were working on cleaning up and organizing our game plan for next year, he said the most true thing ever. Before I explain, let me give you some back story...some broader context, if you will. That was incredibly nerdy, even for me. I still like it, though.

So we were talking about Natives and how one particular group, the Iroquois, were very opportunistic as a means of survival. They sided with whatever settlers were going to be the most useful to them. The problem is that we were putting together bullet points on slide so we needed to be succinct. He says, "So what I want to say is..." and proceeds to launch into this incredibly detailed and fascinating overview of the gist of what he wants to say and the points he wants to convey. It goes for a long time. A really long time. I'm doing a good job not laughing because...I get it, man. I get caught up in stories or random pieces of knowledge and I just GO, especially if I have a captive audience. So, he's still going and going and finally he says, "You know...but shorter."

Y'all, I burst out laughing and said, "Sooooo, self-preservation?" and he said, "Yes. That's much shorter. I think I just had a word fit." I looked at him, puzzled, and he went on to explain that it was from some Lonesome Dove prequel and basically it was a term that was used when someone went on an impromptu monologue, and I felt that because I word fit ALL.THE.TIME. (You know, like on blog posts.)

Once again, we got a ton of work done in a few short hours but what I think I enjoy the most is that we talk about other stuff, too. We go off on tangents and wind up telling stories about other stuff and the end result is that I learn a lot and understand him a lot more. I think it's like that for all people but they have to let you in and it took a long ass time for him to let me in.

We agreed to take tomorrow off and then resume working on Thursday and Friday and, ideally, we should be done in about a week or so. By the end of next week, we should be at least through the vast majority of the curriculum. It already feels like we've been "off" for so long that we should be back on the planning wagon. And, hearing him talk about how he was thrown into the APUSH ring, I was hit with the realization that I was him this year and he was his "veteran" teacher...and then he got it. It was a moment.

Speaking of moments, my blue-eyed boy claims he's coming over next week and that makes me happy. He hasn't been over since January because precautionary measures. I'm beyond excited to see him and I hope my brown-eyed boy is able to make an appearance, too. It's been a long time since we've all been together and my mama heart could use a refill.

Aubs

The Sexy Mandle Returns

Since I couldn't stop thinking about the sexy mandle I finally gave in and ordered one just to see if it lived up to the (possibly imagined) hype from my extremely dramatic purchase that was clearly not meant to be. It arrived on Sunday, prior to the June 1-4 deadline. I do love a sexy mandle that knows how to be prompt, if not early. Punctuality is attractive.

(For the record, I do realize I'm talking about an effin' candle but listen up: this is basically the only man(dle) I have in my life these days so I'm going to talk about it LOVINGLY. Deal with it.)

So, my sexy mandle arrived early and totally caught me off-guard but totally in a good way. I got a notification that I had something in the Hub locker system thingy and, like always, I wondered if someone had sent me a pony. I'm not sure why I always think that but I do and it's precious.

Anyway, I scanned my barcode and OF COURSE a top door popped open and OF COURSE the package was way in the back of the compartment. Way to make me work for it, you sexy mandle, you. I jumped a few times and inched it forward enough to grab it and went on my merry way. I waited until I got home to unwrap it (I'm a lady, after all) and then took a few moments to just breathe it in.

And it still smells like I thought it did: like freshly showered, handsome, spicy but super clean man. I am obsessed. The only reason I didn't smell it all day today is because I already have candles halfway burned (Not cheating...we were on a break. Literally. Broken and destroyed) and because my APUSH guy (the guy I teach APUSH with) came over today to work on cleaning up and organizing the content we teach so it will be more streamlined and easily accessible when our team literally doubles in the fall. He's coming back tomorrow and we'll work on APUSH until we finish it all. Then we'll take a short break and do it all over again with WHAP next month. I didn’t have TIME to just sniff my sexy mandle.

Basically, it sounds like we're going to be spending a solid amount of time together and I'm super okay with that. Better than okay, really, which is hilarious because if you asked me in October if I would want to hang out with him and we'd be able to talk and joke about a variety of different topics, I would have straight up laughed in your face. The fall was a challenge but it got a lot better toward the end of first semester and second semester was freakin' amazing until...you already know.

COVID-19.

But today, while sitting at my dining room table, he pretty much declared me "in," so that was an exciting development. We read some of the AP Exam DBQs our students submitted and then we discussed and laughed and talked about more stuff and then finally got to what we planned to do. We got through an entire unit and streamlined it as best we could. As we work through the rest of them the idea is to have one of the new team members look at the stuff and make sure it makes sense. We work well together and I think we have fun together so it doesn't even really feel like work.

That's a super great combo.

For background noise I have "Pride & Prejudice" on and it makes me wonder if Mr. Darcy smelled like sexy mandle. I have zero doubts that, at the time Jane Austen penned this brilliant literary masterpiece (turned screenplay adaptation), people did, in fact, NOT smell like sexy mandle. I'm sure the Hollywood version is much different. To find a man that smells like...that...I'd go all in.

But the challenge is finding that since I think it's probably considered socially awkward (and perhaps frowned upon) to randomly go around sniffing people.

Still, I wouldn't put it past me.

Aubs

Weirdest "last day of school" ever

If the school year had continued the way it was supposed to, today would have been the last day of school. Tomorrow the staff would've gone to school and finished the stuff we needed to do to shut our rooms down for the summer and we would've kicked off the summer break by about noon. But since this year very quickly became anything but typical, the last day of school, for some of the kids anyway, was March 12. It's so crazy to think about just how long we've been at home.

The second half of the year is basically just one of upheaval and it's left me super uneasy and just unfinished. Without being able to put eyes on my kids I don't really know how they are. There is a huge difference between saying everything is fine or good and actually meaning it/being fine or good. There's a lot of gray area with a lot of my kids right now and it stresses me out.

Speaking of kids, though, I had a great chat with my firstborn today. He opted to jump from high school to college and today was virtual graduation for his high school class. That also brings some sadness to my life because we missed out on that opportunity to celebrate his achievement and a milestone but I also respect him for making a choice and sticking with it. He said some of his friends said he was still in the digital graduation ceremony so that's interesting to me and it makes me sad that I missed it! Later this weekend all of his peers will get their diploma covers on home plate at the new Globe Life Park and that would've been a really awesome experience, too.

Since it already feels like we've been on break for a while, even with working and prepping kids for an AP exam, next week my APUSH/WHAP partner and I are going to start planning and figure out a schedule for next year. Since we don't know what next year will look like, when it will start, if it will be in person/digital, or when it will "switch," I think we both want to be sure we have all the various contingencies covered.

It's just all really weird. I don't even know how to describe it but I just feel a weird pit in my stomach and I don't have any clue why.

It's not my favorite.

Aubs

Coffee dates are the only dates

Today I had a coffee date (pretty much the only kind of date I go on these days!) with one of the girls I taught for the second half of the 2018-2019 school year. Although she was only in my class for a semester we bonded super fast and she sent me a video last week on the "anniversary" of the last day of school from the year before. In the video she's crying (she never looks like she's crying while I am always blotchy and red when I cry) and says, "I'm only crying because I'm going to miss Ms. Williams. I hate this place." It is the most "her" statement ever and I am so grateful for the chance to know her because she is as sunshiny as her favorite color! (It's yellow. Duh)

Anyway, it was fantastic to catch up with her and I only cried once so that was a bonus and it was just what I needed to come back home and start organizing and destroying the clutter left over from moving. Since I haven't established a "place" for everything yet (like where I'll dump the mail) it just kind of winds up everywhere and it's not a very relaxing environment. In the condo I put the mail on the "game" cabinet by the door when I walked in. It was right below the hooks for my keys so it made sense. In my apartment the front door opens into a hallway and my bedroom is right by the front door (leave me alone, burglars!) so you literally have to walk all the way down the hall to the kitchen/living area to drop anything anywhere. Well...you do now. I had a vacuum cleaner, still in the box, in the hallway and I was using that as the place to drop mail but then I had to actually vacuum so that stopped being a thing.

Since I am always the perfect example of logic and caution, I was using scissors to slice open the box...and my right middle finger. It's fine, though. No stitches. Just a camo bandaid. You can barely see it.

Super lame. Don't even care. It stays!

This summer the people directly on my team (well, mostly just one of them for now) and I are going to get together and plan out what we want to do for next year if it's a regular year, which we know it won't be, and to prepare for a digital/hybrid year. It's overwhelming, especially since we have two AP classes to prepare for but we make a damn good team, even without any additional team members. That's all the more motivation to make sure my apartment is the way I want it to be...so we can work effectively.

It's been 2 1/2 weeks since I moved into this place and, while I do really like it a lot, it's been really hard to go from having a teen-aged roommate to being all alone. It's quiet, which is nice sometimes, but it's often too quiet. It's going to be an adjustment but I'm just wondering how long it might take because I like to plan things out. I need to know when this feeling of great emptiness will start to ebb or, if it's not going to, how I can make it suck less...without getting a dog or finding a boyfriend. 

Those have both been suggested and tabled for another time, thank you very much.

I'm working on the second season of The Last Kingdom on Netflix right now. It was suggested, several times, in our Zoom sessions over the last couple of months and, although it is incredibly bloody, it's freakin' brilliant. The storyline, the twists, the way it incorporates the hatred, love, defiance, passion, and sheer will is just fantastic.  Disclaimer: When it says it's rated TV-MA for gore they are NOT lying.

Aubs

Three for Three

After a rainy weekend where I basically slept Sunday away (I must've needed it) and an impromptu adventure in a downpour on Monday to go look for a new washing machine since the repair man broke it while he was changing out the heating element in my dryer (insert eye roll here), I was still not thrilled to have the sun prying my eyelids open at stupid o'clock this morning.  Because I am a kind and caring human being I spent most of the day (literally until almost 10:00 p.m.) on Google docs with several of my students because today is the deadline for the AP classes that require portfolios.

One of them asked for help back in March, before we went on the Spring Break that lasted an eternity. They would write, I would ask for clarification via comments, suggest edits, and pose questions to help them go deeper into their research. At the end of March they were about 1/3 of the way done...and that's the way it stayed...until about 48 hours ago. I nagged, I bribed, I threatened to sit on the sidewalk outside their house and do work but those threats fell on deaf ears. To be fair the kid admitted that they needed to get in gear but then found other things to do instead. I still do that but I'm not about to admit that when I've spent all this time trying to convince them that they are their own worst enemy. You know, like Lit: "It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy. Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me. Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk? I didn't mean to call you that..."

Anyway, the requirement for this particular essay was a 2000 word limit and, by the time they got finished writing and I got finished making suggestions it was significantly past that. I'm always up for a challenge, though I got them to 2000 words with edits. While I was editing and making revision suggestions, I got another invitation to edit...another essay, with a 1000 word count this time. EASY PEASY. I got that student squared away without much effort since I was super familiar with the prompt by that point, having it in the back of my head for the last 12+ weeks. 

I turned my attention to another prompt and worked on that one with another student for a couple of hours until they were ready to submit about an hour ago. Three essays. Three exact word counts. It's such a huge relief for me; I can't imagine how relieved they are! And all of this editing and revision just further reiterates to me that these kids desperately need help with writing skills, which is great because I officially received my teaching assignment for next year and I'm teaching AP Modern World, AP U.S. History and Dual Credit Gov/Eco! It's what I wanted and I'm happy that I am being given the opportunity to work with groups of kids for multiple years in a row. It makes me so happy that I found somewhere that is a good fit for me and where I truly enjoy the people that I work with. 

It's so funny how I was so adamant about how I wanted my story/path to go because I realize now that the path I desperately wanted would make me so miserable. It's funny how life works.

It's going to be so weird when school is technically over on Thursday. I'm already tired of all of the free time I have and looking forward to the prepping and planning I'm doing with my team for next year when we will inevitably be digital for part of the year. Having a collective team is something that will be new to me; it's always just been me and another person for AP. To have a true collaborative team will be a great thing.

You know...if it actually happens.

Aubs