So. Many. Feels.

Today is full of birthdays of people we know and love.

N's aunt, Tiffany
N's dad's friend, Caleb
My cousin, Josh
N's grandfather, Larry
A dear friend, Jeff

Sadly, two of them are no longer with us, but this day always catches me off guard when it comes to the feelings that come out of nowhere.  N's grandfather (he and his daughter share a birthday...how cool is that?!) died a few years ago, and it's left a huge hole in N's world.  They were best buddies.  Jeff, who was a great friend to me and one of N's dad's best friends, died five years ago...something that still hurts my heart all the time.  

N doesn't like to have a lot of people there to support him when he plays baseball.  He says it gets in his head and he feels like he has to perform instead of just relax and play the game he loves.  Today, he had a full house, though.  Normally his dad, his stepmom, his little brother (3), and I attend his games.  It may not be all of us, but there's some sort of combo of me and one or both of them.  Tiffany (his aunt) flew in from Seattle today for her birthday with her 4 year old son (she's got another boy on the way!), and surprised N at his game.  For the whole game, her kiddo was cheering N on from the fence...and talking to a cricket.  It was adorable!  My mom also came to her first game of the season.  She's been so busy, and Thursday nights are rough, so I'm glad she was able to come.  On top of THAT, N's best friend and his parents came to check out a game, too!  Like I said, FULL. HOUSE.

He was nervous...I could tell.  He wanted to do well, to give them a show since they came to watch him.  And it was a good game, even though they lost by one run.  They made some mistakes, and their coach was frustrated, but I bet they won't make the same mistakes again.  Practice on Saturday morning should take care of that.  YIKES!

On the way home (a lot later than normal), he and I got into a serious discussion.  He told me he really wished I would find somebody and be in a solid and happy marriage relationship.  He said I deserve it.  He said we deserve it.  And I can't say he's wrong...but I told him that I wasn't sure that was what I wanted because the last relationship of that type went so badly that it's made me afraid.  We were both very candid, and I was sad when we got home because it meant the conversation was over.

Except it wasn't.  He sat down at the table and said, "Mom, let's talk about this.  Please." So, we did. We talked about past loves and future loves and "why didn't you just try" loves, and it ended with, "Dang it, Mom!  Why didn't you just marry _________?"  Kid.  I don't freakin' know.  Trust me...I wish I did.

Aubs