Starting Anew

N and I watched church from home this morning because yesterday's activities wore him out.  That coupled with the open windows and the light breeze that almost made it feel like fall in here caused him to sleep for 12 hours straight.  Dead. Sleep.  Like, I checked on him by putting a hand in front of his nose to see if he was breathing.

Anyway, I linked up with our church for the latest service (11:30), and turned the volume on my laptop all the way up.  During the worship time (as I hummed along while browsing the Sunday Target ad on my phone), N stumbled into the living room and flopped across the couch.  Our pastor is starting a new series this week called "Gambling with God."  The premise of the message was that we should bet on the House (of God) because it will win every single time.  But that wasn't the part that got me.

EY was talking about how we need to look at our friendships and relationships and assess them.  We don't need to look at who our friends are, but who are friends aren't.  He talked about how some friends are like scaffolding on a large building under construction.  They are there to help you through the construction period, but then they are just there...and there is no purpose.  And it got me thinking about how many friends I have who are like that.

We don't enrich each others' lives or build each other up.  We don't challenge each other or drop everything for one another when we need a helping hand or the great gift of friendship.  We co-exist.  We keep up with each other via social media.  We only show up when we see a news-worthy post or a tragedy hits one of our families.

And I realized I have so much more to offer than that...and I deserve so much more.  I really do.

From there, he launched into this thought about how sometimes you have to kick it all to the curb and start fresh.  It's not quitting, it's wanting better for yourself and for your family.  Sometimes you have to start all over to be successful.  That made me think a LOT about my life over the last several years.

In 2009, I found out I had an unfaithful partner, and confronted him about it.  He wanted to call it quits right then, but I told him no.  I told him we needed to work on this as a family, for the sake of our family, and that we should give ourselves until the end of the school year to work it out or come up with a plan.  He agreed...however, he went ahead with his own way of planning.

In 2010, I realized he had begun a new life with someone else prior to the end of our arrangement and made plans to move myself and the boys in with my mother, enroll the boys in new schools (elementary and preschool) and start school myself.  The idea (at that time) was nursing.  It was my first time in school in over 10 years, and I was petrified.  But, I did it.

In 2011, I was sued for custody of B, with the claim that I was unfit and negligent.  It broke me because I knew it was untrue, but it made me doubt myself.  Could I have been more?  Should I have been better?  What am I even doing here?  Why is this happening?  I don't deserve this...

In 2012, after multiple (failed) attempts at mediation and a drawn out legal process, I gave in to the demands which had gone from full custody to shared custody 50/50, which is a draining way to say that he didn't want to pay child support.  Also, in 2012, the boys and I moved out of my mom's and into our own place where the boys began school (5th and 1st) in the school district where I attended high school.

In 2013, B's dad became deathly ill, and instead of sharing custody, he spent 3 solid months with me, terrified that his dad was dying and with very little contact from them because they were focused on getting him better.  The remainder of the school year, he went over there as much as he could, but we spent a lot of time together.  B is still scared, but his dad is on the mend and they're able to spend a lot more time together. 

In 2014, I graduated with a degree in Science from a local community college and made the decision to ditch nursing (for now) and pursue a degree in Social Sciences in addition to a teaching certification for secondary education.  It is a total change from where I thought I would be, but I'm trusting that God put me in this path for a reason.  I'm doing my best to be involved with both boys: I co-room mom B's class, I am the team mom for N's baseball team(s), I serve on the SHAC committee for our school district to improve Student Health and Activity, and I'm starting a 4-week seminar in a few weeks called "Love & Logic" to help me become a better parent.  I'm also taking a full (too full?) course load at UNT and substitute teaching whenever I can.

I'm starting anew.  I'm giving it my best shot.  I'm going "all in," betting on the House.  I know I can't fail with God beside me, unless failing is the lesson He needs me to learn.  I have learned that I shouldn't be afraid to ask for help, nor should I be afraid to say "no."  My family is the most important thing...the rest is just details.

Aubs