I consider myself to be spiritual and religious. I grew up in a church in San Antonio where everybody was like family. In fact, I still keep in touch with a few of the families that I've known since I was a toddler. Almost all of them are former members of our church family, which is kind of awesome when you think about it. These people were around when I made the decision to accept Jesus into my heart when I was 5. They witnessed me being baptized AND my blue flowered panties when the pastor picked me up after I'd been "dunked" showing them off for all the world to see. They greeted us with friendly smiles and warm hugs when we'd go back and visit.
When we moved to Oklahoma, we also became seriously involved with a church. We did AWANAs and VBS and Sunday School and church every weekend, without fail. It was our "home." And we loved it. I don't keep in touch with anyone from there, but that doesn't mean they don't pop into my mind every once in a while.
When we moved to Kansas 4 years later, we kind of fell off the wagon. We never took the time to find a church we really loved, and although we visited several churches, there were never any real "return" trips. I often wonder what life would have been like if we'd stayed involved. By the time we got back to Texas (again, 4 years later), church was a distant memory. We went through life, my parents eventually divorced and my dad started looking for a church again. I had my first kiddo and we started going to church with my dad almost every week. I looked forward to going, but then I just stopped again.
I don't think we're meant to be "stop & go" Christians, but I think that's how a lot of us operate when we're trying to find our way back to the right path. For 6 years, I turned my back on everything and everyone in an attempt to make a family work. In hindsight, it was the dumbest choice I've ever made, but it was one I think I needed to make to get me where I am today. Sometimes it's hard to get back into a groove, but once you find it, it's so worth it.
N has been going to church with his dad (when he's with him on the weekends) for as long as anyone can remember. He's grown up in this "superchurch" that's in between our houses. In the past, I'd attended this church on major holidays because, man...they really know how to go big on a Christmas Eve service. One year, they even flew in ice and had ice skaters and a snow machine on the stage! Last fall though, right around mid-October, they went in a totally weird direction for me, where they opened the service with "Thriller" and zombies and people in gas masks and haz-mat suits, banging on haz-mat barrels. I looked at N and said, "Um...yeah...I want to go somewhere else."
We went to another local church, much smaller, and found a pastor that we could relate to...and it was an entirely different environment. N told me he loved it, and I agreed. It was like home. His dad was not appreciative and somehow (although I don't think it was intentional) convinced N that he should come back to the only church he'd ever known. I disagree with this chain of events in its entirety, however, I'm learning to choose my battles, and you know what? At least my kids want to go to church. It may be entirely unconventional and totally off the wall, but they want to go. They both do.
So, we do. And it's caused me to step outside of my comfort zone on multiple occasions, but I have to admit...there are sermons that speak directly to my soul. And today, while in the middle of a praise & worship song, all of a sudden the music seemed to get louder, the intensity on the stage fiercer, and the voices amplified. I looked around me and there were people doing the same...and I can't describe it other than to say I fully felt the presence of God in that sanctuary at that precise moment. It brought tears to my eyes...and then, as the song finished, a large man in a football jersey looked at me and said, "Did you feel that?" and all I could do was nod.
And it may not be where I want to worship, but I fully recognize that it's where I need to worship. And I will. Because God is in control of my life, and I know He knows what's best.
Sometimes I forget and try to run things, but it's pointless because He knows the exact number of hairs on my head and what I'm going to do before I do it and what the outcome will be.
Aubs
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