I really do have some of the best friends a girl could ever hope for... They build me up, even when I don't deserve it. They tell me all the time how they don't know how I do it all by myself all the time, how they could never do it, and how it takes a really special person to be a single parent. I don't really know how to respond to that, aside from saying something sarcastic or rolling my eyes. Because it's totally hard. And it makes me a hard person to really get, and even harder to love. Just ask my kids or anyone else who cares about me. Here are some of my favorites that are completely and totally untrue.
1. You're so patient.
This one makes me laugh every single day. I always joke that patience is the virtue that skipped over me, and I find it to be entirely true. My patience is very limited...with my kids, with adults who don't have commonsense, and slightly less so with other peoples' kids. Prime example: N was starving tonight...way after dinnertime, but we hadn't eaten. Most people would be understanding...that he was cranky because he was hungry. Me? I was irritated because the kid didn't eat a snack after school. Yeah, I know. It's lame.
2. You're such a fun mom.
My kids would beg to differ. While I do hang out with them from time to time, I tend to stay in my own little bubble in my room or the living room or the kitchen while they play video games in their room or go outside. We do have game nights sporadically, but nobody ever agrees, and that's when rumor #1 comes back into play. We've had some fun park/pool days lately, but I would argue that those have been successful due to the company we've been keeping. It's definitely not me.
3. You're so creative/organized.
Hahahahahahaha, yeah. I'm not creative/organized...I just play one on tv. In theory, I am both of those things, but to bring the ideas in my head to fruition? It takes a lot of effort. Case in point: I've had the pieces from B's first grade class to make a book for their teacher. Initially, it was meant for her birthday, but I was finishing finals, so I opted for Teacher Appreciation Week instead. I compiled the entire thing this afternoon. Can we say "Wait until the last minute" much?
4. You're a really good mom.
I'm not...or at least I don't feel like it the majority of the time. My parenting is easily influenced by my mood. If I'm stressed about something, it comes across to my boys. If I'm happy, they wonder what's happened to their normal mom. If I'm sad, they're scared I'm going to cry forever. Instead of me parenting them, I retreat into my own head until I'm back to me, which may or may not be better than whatever mood I was in previously.
5. You're so supportive of your boys...they totally know how much you love them.
This one makes me wonder. I have one boy who doesn't want me to acknowledge him at his own baseball games, and another who only wants to be around when his brother isn't here. Oh, wait...that's both of them. I swear, I keep telling them they'll like each other at some point, but I just don't know when that will be. Maybe by college...when one can legally buy the other beer. Sigh.
My point is, I play a decent version of the me I want to be. I have my moments, and I'm making progress. I've come a long way even from where I was a year ago...and who knows where I'll be if I keep moving forward. I wish I could figure out why I'm frustrated, and where it's stemming from, because that would really make my whole life much easier.
I guess it's the fear of the unknown, the fear of putting your faith and trust in something or someone other than yourself...other than God. Because I'm trying to, and the ebb and flow of it all is something I'm not used to. I'm not sure if I like it. I've grown accustomed to being by myself. To consider other possibilities is exciting and terrifying all at the same time.
I'm sure tomorrow I'll go back to being thrilled, but tonight? Tonight I just have an overwhelming sense of dread.
Aubs
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