A few weeks ago, I was subbing for one of my favorite Science teachers, and the lesson plans she emailed me included creating group names for the last unit of the year: The Amazing Race. After repeating instructions approximately eleventy-four times, I held up an example and said, "'Insert Witty Title Here,' put your name, draw a picture. Open it up, glue the world map, put the Texas map on the next page, and we'll go from there."
Obviously there were a few of them who were precious enough to put "Insert Witty Title Here" as their journal title. And those precious treasures made me giggle..
Sometimes I feel incredibly witty, but other times, I find it really hard to be coherent, let alone smart. I also really struggle with keeping myself in check. I feel like my brain never stops running. If only it were my legs. MAN! There would be no jiggle at ALL.
I not-so-jokingly told the baseball parents last night that I missed school already. I feel like I've lost my identity without homework and colorful calendars and stressing out about assignments or gpa...and obsessively checking Blackboard for grade updates? That is my jam. I already feel like my brain is getting dumb. I probably do REALLY need a mental break, but learning gives me such a sense of purpose. I feel like I'm a better...everything...when I have a full course load.
In reality, I know I'm probably the worst version of myself with all this extra stress, but it's who I am. For a while, I thought it was all I could be, but lately I've started to wonder if there's way more to me than meets the eye. Also, if I get to be a Transformer, I want to be a mixture of Optimus Prime and Bumblebee...with a little Jazz thrown in for good measure. Someone should make that happen, but it won't be me because I'm trying to let others lead and do things for me and delegate responsibility.
Y'all, I suck at all of those things. Big time. I am trying so hard to let others do things for me and lean on my people and let my guard down, but anytime something isn't all hearts and butterflies, I immediately think it's all gone to crap. Maybe it has, maybe it hasn't, and maybe I just need to slow my roll. It's okay for things to be in an in between state. It doesn't have to be "all or nothing" all the time, but the thing is...in my world, that's the way it's always had to be. It's always had to be one extreme or the other: disgusting happiness (um...how about never?) or total tragedy (every single day of my life for several years, it seems).
There's a song by Martina McBride called "Some Say I'm Running." I'm not really sure how it pertains to my life because I'm not running back to anyone (because going backward never helps you go forward), but there's a line that sticks in my head alllllll the time:
"Against the odds, I'll roll the dice. I guess my heart has won, despite all good advice."
On repeat, friends. I'm letting my heart lead here, and that's hard to do because my brain is one bossy broad, and she doesn't play second fiddle to anyone or anything. There's a constant war going on inside...between my organs...and also my gut. And it's exhausting. Or exhilarating. Maybe both, but definitely confusing.
I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind with all of the stuff that's going on lately. Either that or I'm well on my way to a total emotional breakdown. Neither sounds pleasant. And entirely debilitating.
Can't wait for the fun to begin.
Sounds swell.
Aubs
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