Several months ago, during Spring baseball, I was kind of pushed into the role of team mom/organizer. Okay, I wasn't pushed, but I was a lot more organized than N's coach, so I took on the role so MY life would be less chaotic. You know, it's all about me... Anyway, in taking on that role, I got to know a lot of the parents in the league, especially those who had children on the team. One of them became a great friend to me; we have a lot of similar personality traits (I mostly think this is a good thing), similar interests, and we became fast friends.
As a younger than average parent in our city, there are a lot of times where I feel like I'm not a good fit because of my age, so the fact that this parent was only a year older than I am was another fantastic similarity. He and I talked often, and our kids became close, and it was great for my boys to have friends that I actually liked having around. You know how that goes...when your kids absolutely LOVE people who drive you insane to the point where you don't want them around? These kids were the polar opposite. Life was great.
A couple of months after we met, our friendship evolved into something a little more complex. I can't say for sure when we started feeling things outside of the normal friendship range, but it was fairly simultaneous. I've been a single parent for a long time, and he was just starting his journey as a single parent, so who better to help him than someone who knows the ropes? It was an entirely new experience for me...to have someone around who actually wanted to be there, who wanted to be there even when I pushed him away. And I did push him away. A lot. This whole idea of trying a relationship after being single for several years absolutely terrified me.
But, I tried. And after a lot of coaxing and gentle reminders, I realized that it was a great thing, and how blessed I was to have met this man who just randomly showed up in my life one Monday after Spring Break. We spent the first half of the summer together, when he wasn't on vacation with his kids/parents, and life was better than I ever could have imagined.
And then, it wasn't.
I don't know what happened. That's a lie. I absolutely do. I'm a control freak (one of many things I dislike about myself), and he and I had very different ideas on how to handle certain situations. I felt like my way was the only "right" way because I wasn't even trying to see it from his point of view. He pushed away, I pushed away, and we were both pissed...eventually we talked about it, but I don't think it ever fully went away. I know it didn't.
The second half of the summer was more forced than the relaxed nature of the previous several months, and that was hard to take, I think...for both of us. My boys (well, B) never stopped asking if his boys could come over, if he could come over for game nights, but the frequency became less and less. His work schedule picked back up and quadrupled because he had (unbeknownst to me) slacked off on his workload in order to spend time with me over the summer (plus two lengthy vacations with his boys), resulting in a September where he's traveling all but approximately 11 days. I hate that for him. I hate that for his boys. And, yes...I'm selfish enough to hate that for me, too.
I have tried my hardest to keep things going, but I'm afraid I have to admit defeat here...and that breaks my heart. It really does, more than one could possibly imagine.
(Entering melodrama....NOW)
I've cared about people before. I've claimed to be "in love" before. It doesn't compare to not only what I feel for this man, but also what I felt in return. It was real. It was exciting. It was comfortable, but passionate all at the same time. We moved way too quickly in the beginning, planning way too far into the future and getting ahead of ourselves. One of us slowed down, but the other kept on trucking. Then, we both slowed down, but we were on different timetables still...one slower than the other. We both picked back up, but again, on different levels. And somewhere in there, the roles became reversed...and the slower one became the one who was ready to push it forward.
I don't even know how that happened. So, here I sit, on the eve of a dear friend's wedding, and my date for the evening is a thousand miles away (both figuratively and literally). I am sad, but I am still foolishly hopeful that it will all pan out and we will work through the issues we have to where we can be an "us" again. I know breaks are good sometimes, and sometimes they make each person realize what really matters in the grand scheme of things, but they can also be bad. So, so bad.
This is a huge deal to me because I swore I'd never date again. Why? Because I didn't want to ever feel like this again. I'm happy(ish) by myself. I can live...by myself. I've done it for years. The bad part is that I was blessed to be able to share the last several months of my life with a man who has been more caring and kind and loving to me than any man I've ever even contemplated a relationship with, and I'm saddened by the fact that it's come to this. (I'm also not done talking about it, I'm sure...but this is more than enough for one night. Tune in soon for a breakdown of what I did wrong vs. what he did wrong. It's a short list.)
Is it totally over? I have no idea. It feels like it...but everyone's definition of a "break" is different. Maybe getting through the next six weeks will make us stronger and put another notch in our "tough stuff we've made it through" belt, or maybe the whole "out of sight, out of mind" saying is true...and we'll just move forward, yet apart, without real closure to the situation. Either way, it doesn't bode well for my already damaged heart/mind that I thought was fixed, but apparently, it was only temporary. But the great thing about me (What? There's just one?!) is that I'm really good at building bridges. I just don't want to burn this one.
Aubs
P.S. Know what sucks more than being in your early 30s and attending a wedding of a super-close friend (as in you've called her your sister for as long as you've known her) by yourself when you previously RSVP'd for two since your boyfriend was planning to be your date? Well, I'm sure there are tons of things...but I'm being shallow and melancholy, so I'll just say attending a wedding as a single woman, without a date, totally sucks. A lot.
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