Sometimes you just have those days and I knew I was due for one because it's been a while. By the time I started my first Zoom of the day (where one person logged in for it...and it wasn't even anyone from my district but someone who just wanted to join to "hang out" for a while) I already knew I had a shorter fuse than normal.
By the time I got to my second (and third) meetings of the day I was about to lose my shit over the same phrase that kept getting repeated. I can't even think about it right now because...OH.MY.GOD. The one saving grace was that, between meetings two and three, I made myself go outside and sit in the sun since it's been freakishly cold the last few days. That was a brilliant choice until I went inside to shower and realized I had meeting three in 13 minutes which made me thankful that I was able to attend the meeting without showing my face and slowly drying hair.
My landlord put a potential renter in touch with me so she could see the place (with all necessary precautions, of course) so I reluctantly set up an appointment for 5:30...and at 6:52 she finally texted to say she was busy but she'd just come by tomorrow. Um, no, ma'am. Not my problem. I made arrangements for today and I'm not jumping through any damn hoops. Like I said: short fuse.
By 8:00 I said "screw it" and headed upstairs to go to bed but once I got there I said, "Self, you need to get the eff out of here," so I put on a hoodie and a pair of Nikes and ripped apart the unpacked part of my house looking for a pair of earbuds. I found some Apple earbuds (I hate them; I know, I'm weird. This isn't news) and took off. I just needed to be...not here.
I was gone for an hour and it was like shuffle knew exactly what I needed to hear. It was a ballad kind of night across all the genres that popped up in my "Aubs" playlist with very few skips, which is always a bonus. And as I listened and walked/jogged and spun around as I two-stepped around to a few songs, I felt my mood lift a little bit. Music is such a powerful thing. Anyone who says it isn't hasn't really given musical therapy a try.
But as I let the words, melodies, and memories wash over me something a very wise friend once told me popped into my head. Once upon a time she told me "When you have high highs you have low lows and that's never going to work out. You need to be with someone who's steady and in the middle." and since I'm as single as the day is long I thought about my relationship with myself. My life is full of (self-inflicted) high highs and low lows. Today was a prime example of a bottomed out low...and for what reason? ME.
As I had that epiphany, T-Swift's "Back to December" came on and as I sang along (okay, lie, I belted it like my heart was breaking) I briefly wished I could go back to December and make some different choices. Nothing happened in December, nothing earth-shattering anyway, but how different would life be right now if I made one different decision or set a different goal? I'm never one who wishes they could go back to do anything (realistic anyway...a girl can daydream) but as T-Swift transitioned into Darius Rucker (He'll always be Hootie to me) I was hit with a serious wave of remorse. Remorse for what, I have no idea but I felt every single word of "If I Told You" tonight like it was my freakin' anthem.
I think I just need to fall apart and get it all out but...I'm a bottler. It doesn't work for me to just unload emotion because I only wind up venting words which does help, don't get me wrong, but man. I wish I liked to run. If I could beat the hell out of my body with a depleting run maybe that would help.
I just know that, instead of looking forward to tomorrow being Friday, I really no longer care what day it is. Every single day is the same. There's no differentiation. I feel it. I know my students have been feeling it. And they even frustrated the hell out of me today, so much so that I sent out a message saying next week's meetings were mandatory. They won't follow it or care (this is not melancholy but actual fact) but it was therapeutic for me to voice my disappointment over an online forum. You know...if any of them read it.
They don't care. And I don't blame them, if I'm being 100% honest. This school year has become a crapshoot and they are are not built for or trained to complete this school year in this capacity. I just honestly thought that the relationships we have forged all year would help to propel them forward to some level of success...but based on the level of engagement, buy-in, and interaction, it appears that is too much to ask.
And while that's disappointing as a teacher, their teacher, as a person who's taken the time to get to know them as individuals, it's a total letdown.
And heartbreaking.
Aubs
Thursday, April 16, 2020
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
Rule Maker, Rule Breaker
If you were to look into my house tonight (without being a total creeper, mind you), you know, like the giant on Mickey's Christmas Carol where he just opens the roof like it has a hinge, then you would see me eating a chocolate croissant in bed at 8:40 p.m. because I make my own rules. One of those rules is to not eat in my bed because...crumbs...but please refer back to the working title of this post and understand that I do what I want.
Speaking of that, today was a weird day. I've been trying to consciously not make a mess as I live my entire life out of my home without leaving (except to get the mail or make the occasional grocery/post office run) because I never know when someone is going to want to come look at this place...like tomorrow at 5:30. I got up super early today and was just messy.
Do you ever have those days? I legitimately could not stop making a mess. I have no idea why. It just kept happening. It was seriously annoying. And then I got on social media between meetings and discovered a meme that personifies several of my students but a couple specifically come to mind. I sent it along and then gleefully derived a new nickname from said meme for one of them. The unveiling went a little something like this:
Me: I have decided to re-nickname you and, before you disagree, you should know that it has already been voted on and passed unanimously...Kermit. I will also call you Kermie for short. With love, Dubs.
Kermit: I do not approve of this Dubs anything but Kermie.
I've burst out laughing each time I've thought about this and it only makes me love it more. This particular muppet (see what I did there) has had an issue with EVERY SINGLE NICKNAME I have tried as a working nickname. There have been three others so the ultimatum has been issued: Kermie or the OG "Mini-Benny."
I have a feeling Kermie's going to LOVE being green.
Today is usually my favorite day because it's the day all baseball players honor Jackie Robinson by wearing 42 on their backs as they play the greatest game ever. Unfortunately our current predicament ensures that ballfields all over the world are empty and so is a piece of my heart. One of my former kids (who knows how much I love this day) sent me a message saying, "Happy J.R. Day! Don't be too sad!" Too late, Pal.
This week seems exponentially long and I feel like, no matter what I do, I'm simply just trying to tread water...and I'm really bad at it. I'm actually not bad at treading water but this water is more oil-based and it's creepy. And probably filled with bird carcasses.
That took a dark turn really quickly.
In an attempt to entertain myself today I also created my own customized shampoo (purple, not green, despite my adoration for the green ones) and dubbed it "dubs." I'm ridiculously excited about this.
I've got so much to do and so little time before I move (my USAA app has a countdown to moving day and the extended tax day, which is also my birthday) so each time I log in to my USAA app for anything I get a banner with countdowns. Chill out, USAA. I don't need looming due dates. I'm not in school (right now). Speaking of...I need to figure out my classes for the summer and handle that.
Oh, good. Something else for my list.
Aubs
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
I'm the Shrew
This week I've been working my way through some of the screenplay adaptations of classic novels and plays. What I've found is that I was an utterly clueless teenager.
So, naturally, I love it.
As in...I am 38 and realized, only recently, that Clueless was an adaptation of Emma. When I told my sister that I just realized it she replied with, "Where have you been?"
AT HOME BY MYSELF, Katie, and finally spending some time doing some stuff that doesn't require an agenda. It's weird but I don't hate it.
Anyway, tonight I held a come and go Zoom for kids to check in and say hi. The idea was they would come, say hi, and leave again. It didn't work very well. There were some who stayed the whole time and at one point I said, "If you guys don't talk I'm going to kick you out!" so they started talking. Somehow we wound up on the topic of movies and I was telling them all about the AMAZING teenage-inspired movies of the 90s and how glorious they are which is why I am currently watching "10 Things I Hate About You" and remembering why I absolutely adore this movie.
I am Kat. I'm the Shrew. I mean...think about it. If you know me at all you'll know that I am super soft on the inside (an utter sap, actually) but that hard, prickly exterior is something that lets approximately ZERO people in. Lonely? Sometimes...but also significantly easier to stay busy and focused on 8.13 million other things.
Plus...HEATH LEDGER, am I right?
Looking at Snapchat filters to determine what day it is has become my norm. I'm not proud of it but I think it could be exponentially worse so I'm going to count that as a victory, too.
I made an entire list of movies for a few of my girls to watch and I've decided to watch them, too, because reliving my high school experience (through film only, mind you) seems like a great way to connect right now. Also I've been watching Killing Eve, which I wasn't super sure about at first because I couldn't imagine Cristina Yang as British. Then I learned that she was an American who uses British lingo (which cracks me up) and her nemesis is totally obsessive and twisted.
So, naturally, I love it.
Aubs
Monday, April 13, 2020
Sappy Monday
After an Easter Sunday where I literally rolled out of bed at 12:30 (first time in MONTHS...maybe YEARS) and then wondered how it was already midnight what seemed like two blinks later (I was writing lots and lots of notes), I wasn't really sure how this day was going to go.
Let me back up a little bit. Since I have no idea when we're headed back to school and I wanted to make sure my AP kids (all of whom are still testing) had tools they could use to help streamline their prep process, I decided to send them some resources. I've been writing personalized notes for the last couple of days and I'm finally over halfway done. I could write a generic message but I'm far from generic (they will tell you this is true) and instead I tend to border on extra.
Like when I match cards to personalities and then ink choices to cards. It's a process. I sometimes find myself agonizing over which is the absolute right card, all while knowing, full well, that they have no idea that's what I do and that they would roll their eyes so hard they'd get stuck if they did.
But, I digress. Anyway, I have been writing and addressing and stuffing envelopes and applying all of the extra postage because...fun fact: 1.3 oz requires $0.70 worth of postage and if you go to the Post Office on Saturday afternoon when they're already closed then the self-service machine prints EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF POSTAGE SEPARATELY: in $0.15 and $0.55 increments. That's right, friends, I watched over 200 stamps print one.by.one.
Other patrons were pissed but what was I supposed to do? Abandon my (already paid for) stamps as they printed. Nopes.
Today I ran a few errands and finally got my hands on some cloth masks to wear if I absolutely have to (read: if I get judged by others) but I mostly just stay at home or wander aimlessly in my car so I don't do a lot of people-ing. People-watching, on the other hand...well, that's gloriously entertaining.
Today I had to go BACK to the post office to mail a few things and then I had a video chat with my sweet Oompa Loompa (student) to help her fill out her registration form for college/dual credit next year. She kept sending me screenshots saying, "Which do I choose?" so I suggested a Zoom. She shared her screen and we filled it out together and I was just so proud of her when she was done because there are so many others who have just kind of tapped out and, here she is, pushing forward, full steam ahead.
There have been several students who, over the weekend, have sent me messages telling me how unmotivated and stressed they are: they've had several friends who passed away recently, their families are struggling to make ends meet, they're trying to find second jobs to help their families, and the list goes on and on. Today, in my Monday morning (weekly) post I told them that I wanted them to check in with me this week and let me know what's going on with them and how I can help. I got a few replies (this usually picks up later in the week) and these two had me in tears:
"Hey Dubs, I'm doing alright. I am trying my best to keep up with all my classes and the work. Honestly, I do miss school, everything feels out of place. Even though it was a struggle at times it's better than spending everyday inside the house. I mean I do go walk outside from time to time but that's about it. I just want this to be over so we can somewhat go back to normal, plus I do miss taking notes in your classroom 😂 and getting distracted by all the stuff Fernando and you would discuss...it's already been a month and we most likely aren't going back are we? I mean there's like a month left and the numbers don't seem to be reducing either, I don't know. But I can't wait to see you either Ms. Williams. You actually made history fun for me and many others like no other teacher could 😔 and I love you too, Dubs. 💜"
AND THEN.
"Hello Ms. Williams I hope you're doing okay and I really miss you. That might sound weird because I don't really talk much but you were really sweet to me and you are truly one of the best teachers I've had, you check in on your students and make sure they're okay and I think many many teachers don't really do that. I love the way you reach out to all of us and the way you made me feel proud of my own accomplishments. I never thought that hearing a teacher say that they were proud of me would help me so much and for that I'm incredibly grateful. Honestly, this pandemic is horrible, I really did take school for granted, I complained about it so much when it really kept me busy to the point in which there wasn't any room to feel sad. I saw faces of people that helped me get through my bad days and now here I am locked up at home. I'm not in pain or anything like that. I'm okay. I have my good days and I have my incredibly bad ones in which I just lose my composure. I think it's kind of an issue to depend on people to feel happy but yeah I'm trying my best to keep myself busy and occupied and to talk to the people that help, including you because you've been the best, a couple of words really did make me feel great. I love you and have great rest of the day."
There a lot of days where I feel like I'm annoying the crap out of them but then they send messages saying, "PLEASE don't stop," and I realize that I am, in fact, a lifeline for so many of them...those who feel isolated or sad or unmotivated. I've cried buckets of tears in the last 24 hours - for my own boys and missing the absolute hell out of them, for a mini-pity party, and for my school kids who have come to realize that they DO actually love being in that building.
I don't know what the future holds, for this year or next, but I keep thinking back to my interview at the beginning of the summer where the two individuals interviewing me told me that the kids just need someone to care. I told them, rather confidently, that I could definitely handle that, and I think I have.
What I didn't count on was reciprocation, which is making my heart swell in all ways that are good.
I miss them. I miss school. I miss "normal."
I miss my people.
Aubs
Let me back up a little bit. Since I have no idea when we're headed back to school and I wanted to make sure my AP kids (all of whom are still testing) had tools they could use to help streamline their prep process, I decided to send them some resources. I've been writing personalized notes for the last couple of days and I'm finally over halfway done. I could write a generic message but I'm far from generic (they will tell you this is true) and instead I tend to border on extra.
Like when I match cards to personalities and then ink choices to cards. It's a process. I sometimes find myself agonizing over which is the absolute right card, all while knowing, full well, that they have no idea that's what I do and that they would roll their eyes so hard they'd get stuck if they did.
But, I digress. Anyway, I have been writing and addressing and stuffing envelopes and applying all of the extra postage because...fun fact: 1.3 oz requires $0.70 worth of postage and if you go to the Post Office on Saturday afternoon when they're already closed then the self-service machine prints EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF POSTAGE SEPARATELY: in $0.15 and $0.55 increments. That's right, friends, I watched over 200 stamps print one.by.one.
Other patrons were pissed but what was I supposed to do? Abandon my (already paid for) stamps as they printed. Nopes.
Today I ran a few errands and finally got my hands on some cloth masks to wear if I absolutely have to (read: if I get judged by others) but I mostly just stay at home or wander aimlessly in my car so I don't do a lot of people-ing. People-watching, on the other hand...well, that's gloriously entertaining.
Today I had to go BACK to the post office to mail a few things and then I had a video chat with my sweet Oompa Loompa (student) to help her fill out her registration form for college/dual credit next year. She kept sending me screenshots saying, "Which do I choose?" so I suggested a Zoom. She shared her screen and we filled it out together and I was just so proud of her when she was done because there are so many others who have just kind of tapped out and, here she is, pushing forward, full steam ahead.
There have been several students who, over the weekend, have sent me messages telling me how unmotivated and stressed they are: they've had several friends who passed away recently, their families are struggling to make ends meet, they're trying to find second jobs to help their families, and the list goes on and on. Today, in my Monday morning (weekly) post I told them that I wanted them to check in with me this week and let me know what's going on with them and how I can help. I got a few replies (this usually picks up later in the week) and these two had me in tears:
"Hey Dubs, I'm doing alright. I am trying my best to keep up with all my classes and the work. Honestly, I do miss school, everything feels out of place. Even though it was a struggle at times it's better than spending everyday inside the house. I mean I do go walk outside from time to time but that's about it. I just want this to be over so we can somewhat go back to normal, plus I do miss taking notes in your classroom 😂 and getting distracted by all the stuff Fernando and you would discuss...it's already been a month and we most likely aren't going back are we? I mean there's like a month left and the numbers don't seem to be reducing either, I don't know. But I can't wait to see you either Ms. Williams. You actually made history fun for me and many others like no other teacher could 😔 and I love you too, Dubs. 💜"
AND THEN.
"Hello Ms. Williams I hope you're doing okay and I really miss you. That might sound weird because I don't really talk much but you were really sweet to me and you are truly one of the best teachers I've had, you check in on your students and make sure they're okay and I think many many teachers don't really do that. I love the way you reach out to all of us and the way you made me feel proud of my own accomplishments. I never thought that hearing a teacher say that they were proud of me would help me so much and for that I'm incredibly grateful. Honestly, this pandemic is horrible, I really did take school for granted, I complained about it so much when it really kept me busy to the point in which there wasn't any room to feel sad. I saw faces of people that helped me get through my bad days and now here I am locked up at home. I'm not in pain or anything like that. I'm okay. I have my good days and I have my incredibly bad ones in which I just lose my composure. I think it's kind of an issue to depend on people to feel happy but yeah I'm trying my best to keep myself busy and occupied and to talk to the people that help, including you because you've been the best, a couple of words really did make me feel great. I love you and have great rest of the day."
There a lot of days where I feel like I'm annoying the crap out of them but then they send messages saying, "PLEASE don't stop," and I realize that I am, in fact, a lifeline for so many of them...those who feel isolated or sad or unmotivated. I've cried buckets of tears in the last 24 hours - for my own boys and missing the absolute hell out of them, for a mini-pity party, and for my school kids who have come to realize that they DO actually love being in that building.
I don't know what the future holds, for this year or next, but I keep thinking back to my interview at the beginning of the summer where the two individuals interviewing me told me that the kids just need someone to care. I told them, rather confidently, that I could definitely handle that, and I think I have.
What I didn't count on was reciprocation, which is making my heart swell in all ways that are good.
I miss them. I miss school. I miss "normal."
I miss my people.
Aubs
Friday, April 10, 2020
The Classics
At the risk of sounding like a complete, uneducated tool I have a confession to make:
I am not a fan of reading the classics. I'm sure they are amazing and wonderful and I truly do love the screenplay adaptations of most of them but when it comes to reading them I just...can't. I zone out. I read the same passages about 17 times and still have no idea what the actual meaning is. Maybe I'm over-thinking it (that comes naturally to me) or maybe my brain is dumb when it comes to classic literature.
When I watch "Pride & Prejudice," however, I sob every single time...especially the Kiera Knightley version. I don't know what it is about that version but it just makes me feel all the feelings. Since I have nothing better to do (I still have a month until I move so I'm on hiatus from packing the remaining few boxes) I am working my way through the classics starring Kiera Knightley. I think she's a solid "classics" actor. Then again, I also love "Love, Actually," so I may not be the BEST judge here.
While the screen adaptations are obviously nowhere near the masterpieces that the literary works (probably) are...they are my limit. Maybe someday I'll be more of a grownup and able to digest them. This quarantine is not the time.
If anything, right now I need less thinking and more mindless activity. Honestly, I don't even know if I want that either...I don't know what I want or need right now. I simply know this whole social distancing is utter crap.
Okay, it's not utter crap. I get the premise and I understand why it's important but the isolation is super...well, isolating. I consider myself to be a fairly strong person on a good day (or at least I play the part pretty well) and it's making me into a hot mess.
It's not a far reach. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This weekend I'm working on getting some stuff together for my kids who are still testing. I'm 1/8 of the way done so that's not the greatest but I'm hoping to be at least halfway done by Monday morning. We'll see. It's really hard to get in a groove with this idea I had but I'll get there eventually. Besides, it's not really about me.
Not only do kids across the world have to continue their educations but they have to do it in a way that many of them are not ready for, no matter how many crash courses or tips we throw their way. The same can be said for college students who are having to transition from classes on campus to staying at home. I struggle with that at 38; I can't imagine having to restructure my entire life as a 5-25-year-old.
Grace and leniency have been two recurring themes in almost every adult conversation I've had over the last couple of weeks but it extends well past kids and young adults. We all need to have a little extra grace and leniency for each other, for ourselves, for the strangers who are making utterly asinine choices. We don't know why they do what they do.
I'm just as guilty as the next person of being judgmental but, you know what? I'm going to try to be less so.
It's like when you see a man buying flowers and someone says, "Oh, man, what did you do?" automatically assuming the guy is in the doghouse with his significant other. That really pisses me off. Who the hell are we to judge others when we truly have no idea what's going on in their lives?
Grace and leniency. Things are weird right now. They're difficult and excruciating and overwhelming and desperately lonely at times. I miss my own boys so much and I can't wait for us to be able to be together again, to argue over movies or what to make for dinner or whose turn it is to get up and get ice cream or who gets to pick the game we play. Things really suck. But they will get better. They have to get better.
And when they do I have 176 kids at school to squeeze the hell out of while I tell them I love them and it's only weird if they make it weird.
But it won't be weird...not for me and probably not for them, either. It'll be right and a long time coming and the happiest reunion EVER.
Or it'll be weird...but I really don't think so.
Aubs
I am not a fan of reading the classics. I'm sure they are amazing and wonderful and I truly do love the screenplay adaptations of most of them but when it comes to reading them I just...can't. I zone out. I read the same passages about 17 times and still have no idea what the actual meaning is. Maybe I'm over-thinking it (that comes naturally to me) or maybe my brain is dumb when it comes to classic literature.
When I watch "Pride & Prejudice," however, I sob every single time...especially the Kiera Knightley version. I don't know what it is about that version but it just makes me feel all the feelings. Since I have nothing better to do (I still have a month until I move so I'm on hiatus from packing the remaining few boxes) I am working my way through the classics starring Kiera Knightley. I think she's a solid "classics" actor. Then again, I also love "Love, Actually," so I may not be the BEST judge here.
While the screen adaptations are obviously nowhere near the masterpieces that the literary works (probably) are...they are my limit. Maybe someday I'll be more of a grownup and able to digest them. This quarantine is not the time.
If anything, right now I need less thinking and more mindless activity. Honestly, I don't even know if I want that either...I don't know what I want or need right now. I simply know this whole social distancing is utter crap.
Okay, it's not utter crap. I get the premise and I understand why it's important but the isolation is super...well, isolating. I consider myself to be a fairly strong person on a good day (or at least I play the part pretty well) and it's making me into a hot mess.
It's not a far reach. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This weekend I'm working on getting some stuff together for my kids who are still testing. I'm 1/8 of the way done so that's not the greatest but I'm hoping to be at least halfway done by Monday morning. We'll see. It's really hard to get in a groove with this idea I had but I'll get there eventually. Besides, it's not really about me.
Not only do kids across the world have to continue their educations but they have to do it in a way that many of them are not ready for, no matter how many crash courses or tips we throw their way. The same can be said for college students who are having to transition from classes on campus to staying at home. I struggle with that at 38; I can't imagine having to restructure my entire life as a 5-25-year-old.
Grace and leniency have been two recurring themes in almost every adult conversation I've had over the last couple of weeks but it extends well past kids and young adults. We all need to have a little extra grace and leniency for each other, for ourselves, for the strangers who are making utterly asinine choices. We don't know why they do what they do.
I'm just as guilty as the next person of being judgmental but, you know what? I'm going to try to be less so.
It's like when you see a man buying flowers and someone says, "Oh, man, what did you do?" automatically assuming the guy is in the doghouse with his significant other. That really pisses me off. Who the hell are we to judge others when we truly have no idea what's going on in their lives?
Grace and leniency. Things are weird right now. They're difficult and excruciating and overwhelming and desperately lonely at times. I miss my own boys so much and I can't wait for us to be able to be together again, to argue over movies or what to make for dinner or whose turn it is to get up and get ice cream or who gets to pick the game we play. Things really suck. But they will get better. They have to get better.
And when they do I have 176 kids at school to squeeze the hell out of while I tell them I love them and it's only weird if they make it weird.
But it won't be weird...not for me and probably not for them, either. It'll be right and a long time coming and the happiest reunion EVER.
Or it'll be weird...but I really don't think so.
Aubs
Thursday, April 9, 2020
Sometimes life isn't fair...
I mean, if that isn't the "duh" statement of the century, I don't know what is. It's never been fair and it will never BE fair and that's part of how we learn and grow.
But right now, in case you didn't know, we're in the midst of a global pandemic. I know. Alert the media. I'm just saying that right now things are already super chaotic and messy and scary and off-kilter, and completely uncertain. There is an eerie desperation lingering in the air. There's a potential end date for this but we all know it will be extended and this is going to be our temporary "normal" for the foreseeable future.
So when I got an email with the subject line "Sad News" from the principal of my campus I didn't want to open it. I did and, I'm not going to lie, the first thing I did was skim to see if the name was familiar. I know. That's a terrible thing to do but these kids are MY kids and the thought of anything happening to any of them, all 176 of them, would completely and totally undo me. Then I also considered, if it was one of my kids, she probably would've reached out to me directly.
A student passed away unexpectedly yesterday. They were a student in the grade level I teach so it is entirely possible (probable?) that our paths crossed at some point but they were not in my class. They were deeply loved by so many of my students, though, and I've spend much of the afternoon/evening listening to them tell me all about their friend. I've learned a lot; I've learned that I probably would have adored the crap out of them if I had been lucky enough to know them.
It hurts my heart to "see" my kids hurting. I feel their hurt right along with them and want to do whatever I can to help assuage that pain. So when one of them sent me a link to a GoFundMe for this kid's family, I did what I do best. I donated to the gofundme and a kid almost immediately messages me and said, "I saw that you donated. That's really amazing of you." I can't write a tribute or use my words to say how amazing this person was or the lasting impact they have left on all they knew because I don't know about it firsthand...but what I do know is that this individual made a difference in the lives of others.
And isn't that what we all so desperately want to do? Make a difference? I donated because, as a mom myself, I can't even begin to imagine the grief and pain this child's parents and loved ones are feeling right now. I can't imagine the heart-wrenching decisions they have to make, not even in a time where people can gather to mourn such a tragic loss, but in a time where they are literally unable to gather. It rips my heart apart.
So what do I do? I go all in. This afternoon and evening I have been fielding messages and providing comfort as best I can. I've been checking in on kids I haven't heard from in days and when I ask if they're okay many of them quickly turn it around and ask how I'M doing. It's such a humbling reminder that you get what you give. These kids were not sure about me, like, at ALL, at the beginning; some of them are still uncertain but those who decided to give me a chance show me love all the time. Their love comes in a variety of forms from Minecraft creations with one of my "sayings" on them (which they did instead of doing their assignments) to cleverly worded jabs to asking my opinion or if we can just talk sometimes.
People keep asking how school is going and I'm always honest when I reply, "It's going. Not well, not horribly, but it's going. I'd do anything to be back in the classroom again and I know they would, too." It's not just lip-service. At least three times a day I get questions from kids:
Are we going back?
When are we going back?
Can we go back yet?
Samesies, loves...samesies.
Aubs
But right now, in case you didn't know, we're in the midst of a global pandemic. I know. Alert the media. I'm just saying that right now things are already super chaotic and messy and scary and off-kilter, and completely uncertain. There is an eerie desperation lingering in the air. There's a potential end date for this but we all know it will be extended and this is going to be our temporary "normal" for the foreseeable future.
So when I got an email with the subject line "Sad News" from the principal of my campus I didn't want to open it. I did and, I'm not going to lie, the first thing I did was skim to see if the name was familiar. I know. That's a terrible thing to do but these kids are MY kids and the thought of anything happening to any of them, all 176 of them, would completely and totally undo me. Then I also considered, if it was one of my kids, she probably would've reached out to me directly.
A student passed away unexpectedly yesterday. They were a student in the grade level I teach so it is entirely possible (probable?) that our paths crossed at some point but they were not in my class. They were deeply loved by so many of my students, though, and I've spend much of the afternoon/evening listening to them tell me all about their friend. I've learned a lot; I've learned that I probably would have adored the crap out of them if I had been lucky enough to know them.
It hurts my heart to "see" my kids hurting. I feel their hurt right along with them and want to do whatever I can to help assuage that pain. So when one of them sent me a link to a GoFundMe for this kid's family, I did what I do best. I donated to the gofundme and a kid almost immediately messages me and said, "I saw that you donated. That's really amazing of you." I can't write a tribute or use my words to say how amazing this person was or the lasting impact they have left on all they knew because I don't know about it firsthand...but what I do know is that this individual made a difference in the lives of others.
And isn't that what we all so desperately want to do? Make a difference? I donated because, as a mom myself, I can't even begin to imagine the grief and pain this child's parents and loved ones are feeling right now. I can't imagine the heart-wrenching decisions they have to make, not even in a time where people can gather to mourn such a tragic loss, but in a time where they are literally unable to gather. It rips my heart apart.
So what do I do? I go all in. This afternoon and evening I have been fielding messages and providing comfort as best I can. I've been checking in on kids I haven't heard from in days and when I ask if they're okay many of them quickly turn it around and ask how I'M doing. It's such a humbling reminder that you get what you give. These kids were not sure about me, like, at ALL, at the beginning; some of them are still uncertain but those who decided to give me a chance show me love all the time. Their love comes in a variety of forms from Minecraft creations with one of my "sayings" on them (which they did instead of doing their assignments) to cleverly worded jabs to asking my opinion or if we can just talk sometimes.
People keep asking how school is going and I'm always honest when I reply, "It's going. Not well, not horribly, but it's going. I'd do anything to be back in the classroom again and I know they would, too." It's not just lip-service. At least three times a day I get questions from kids:
Are we going back?
When are we going back?
Can we go back yet?
Samesies, loves...samesies.
Aubs
Tuesday, April 7, 2020
Blursday the fortyteenth of Maprilay
I wish I had coined that phrase. It would make this so much more interesting. I could talk about how I inspired others to come together during this time of great "What the actual hell is going on here" and created a real sense of unity.
But. I didn't. What a(nother) letdown.
Speaking of letdowns...how about April? My favorite day of the year is coming up and I'm not even excited about it anymore because there is no baseball. What is my favorite day, you ask? No, it's not my birthday or any day of real significance. It's April 15. (Note that I said it is NOT a day of significance. Celebrating taxes is not my idea of a good time.).
April 15 is Jackie Robinson day, where every player wears 42 on his jersey in honor of Jackie Robinson and the amazing contributions he made to the game of baseball as a black man who busted through the barriers into a predominantly white men's league. 42 is my favorite number (camping story...so good!) and seeing all of those men wearing baseball pants AND my favorite number on their backs?
This girl's dream would be to run around the field like that meme of the girl during the College World Series where she runs around grabbing all of the guys' butts? Or on Fever Pitch where Drew Barrymore runs across the field to Jimmy Fallon? Oh, how glorious that would be.
Sigh.
Today I got super productive and I have no idea why. Actually, I'm a liar. I know exactly why. My landlord scheduled a showing of my condo on Thursday. You know, during the time where it's most important for us to stay indoors and practice social distancing but I'm sure it's great. They probably won't lick all the doorknobs or anything but I don't know what they do in their spare time when nobody's looking. Or licking.
I started grading stuff for the new grading period because I didn't want to pack boxes. Then I called my mom and asked her to come supervise me to hold me accountable for packing up my house. She and I have been around each other the entire time but also separate. I'm her person for groceries and stuff and I thought she might want a change of scenery so she came over and while I went to buy more boxes.
Buying boxes. Sheesh, that's damn expensive. Why don't they just appear out of thin air or something? Or why can't I snap my fingers like Mary Poppins and make stuff happen? That would be so incredible. It would be so productive. I could do so many more things!
Anyway, I packed up most of the kitchen while she supervised and then we reorganized the living room boxes to create a sense of pathway/openness/someone's been living here for a month without leaving but she's trying, damnit.
I hope it was successful.
But, man, I rode that wave for as long as I could. I came upstairs with a renewed sense of purpose and ran a couple of loads of laundry while I packed my entire closet. The only things left are a few of my spirit wear t-shirts (in hopes we return...yeah, I know), and a rotation of t-shirts, Nike shorts, and yoga pants...and my Nike collection because that would require another box from downstairs and I've literally been a packing machine since 4:00. It's 11:37, OU still sucks, and I am exhausted.
BUT. The good news is I'm probably 70% packed. Now I just have to sell a few furniture items, which should be a breeze in AN EFFING PANDEMIC. I still have to take stuff off the walls and clean up the bathrooms (worst. task. ever.) and get rid of all the clutter. I'm not quite to the point where I just want to burn it all or throw it all away but it's coming.
That's my "favorite" part about moving.
Equally favorite part of my day today? Today I held a Zoom meeting to discuss my the type of question my kids will have to answer on their AP exam. I have 110 of those guys. 8 showed up. Only 1 asked questions.
What could possibly go wrong?
Send help! (And cute movers!)
Aubs
But. I didn't. What a(nother) letdown.
Speaking of letdowns...how about April? My favorite day of the year is coming up and I'm not even excited about it anymore because there is no baseball. What is my favorite day, you ask? No, it's not my birthday or any day of real significance. It's April 15. (Note that I said it is NOT a day of significance. Celebrating taxes is not my idea of a good time.).
April 15 is Jackie Robinson day, where every player wears 42 on his jersey in honor of Jackie Robinson and the amazing contributions he made to the game of baseball as a black man who busted through the barriers into a predominantly white men's league. 42 is my favorite number (camping story...so good!) and seeing all of those men wearing baseball pants AND my favorite number on their backs?
This girl's dream would be to run around the field like that meme of the girl during the College World Series where she runs around grabbing all of the guys' butts? Or on Fever Pitch where Drew Barrymore runs across the field to Jimmy Fallon? Oh, how glorious that would be.
Sigh.
Today I got super productive and I have no idea why. Actually, I'm a liar. I know exactly why. My landlord scheduled a showing of my condo on Thursday. You know, during the time where it's most important for us to stay indoors and practice social distancing but I'm sure it's great. They probably won't lick all the doorknobs or anything but I don't know what they do in their spare time when nobody's looking. Or licking.
I started grading stuff for the new grading period because I didn't want to pack boxes. Then I called my mom and asked her to come supervise me to hold me accountable for packing up my house. She and I have been around each other the entire time but also separate. I'm her person for groceries and stuff and I thought she might want a change of scenery so she came over and while I went to buy more boxes.
Buying boxes. Sheesh, that's damn expensive. Why don't they just appear out of thin air or something? Or why can't I snap my fingers like Mary Poppins and make stuff happen? That would be so incredible. It would be so productive. I could do so many more things!
Anyway, I packed up most of the kitchen while she supervised and then we reorganized the living room boxes to create a sense of pathway/openness/someone's been living here for a month without leaving but she's trying, damnit.
I hope it was successful.
But, man, I rode that wave for as long as I could. I came upstairs with a renewed sense of purpose and ran a couple of loads of laundry while I packed my entire closet. The only things left are a few of my spirit wear t-shirts (in hopes we return...yeah, I know), and a rotation of t-shirts, Nike shorts, and yoga pants...and my Nike collection because that would require another box from downstairs and I've literally been a packing machine since 4:00. It's 11:37, OU still sucks, and I am exhausted.
BUT. The good news is I'm probably 70% packed. Now I just have to sell a few furniture items, which should be a breeze in AN EFFING PANDEMIC. I still have to take stuff off the walls and clean up the bathrooms (worst. task. ever.) and get rid of all the clutter. I'm not quite to the point where I just want to burn it all or throw it all away but it's coming.
That's my "favorite" part about moving.
Equally favorite part of my day today? Today I held a Zoom meeting to discuss my the type of question my kids will have to answer on their AP exam. I have 110 of those guys. 8 showed up. Only 1 asked questions.
What could possibly go wrong?
Send help! (And cute movers!)
Aubs
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