I really wish I had a better title than that but I don't. That would require thought and effort and my brain is legitimately overflowing with a bunch of emotions and musings. One thing is entirely true, though, and that is that I honestly have no idea.
People text me daily to see what's going on in my district or if I have any kind of inside scoop and I don't. I have a ton of thoughts and opinions but they're not useful because they aren't productive. As a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a human being, I feel all of the emotions everyone else is feeling...and probably then some because I'm super extra. But when you add the teacher component to that then I get annoying. I know this so I pretty much retreat into myself and hide out there. It's pretty chill and there are always snacks.
As a teacher I am frustrated because I do not feel like we are being considered in this reopening of schools. I am one of the first to say that I miss being in the classroom. I miss those delightful blessings that make my days the weirdest they have ever been. I miss talking to them about life and trivial stuff, just like I miss their eyerolls and mockery when I say/do something they pretend to be annoyed with even though they actually find it entertaining and they're just too cool to show it. I miss the learning (again, both them and me) and I miss the sharing, the growing, and the relationship building. The spring was a nightmare for me because I had a lot of moving pieces (literally...I moved, sight unseen in May) and it was really isolating. At this point, though, I'd almost prefer that because I don't feel like this situation is in check. There's a lot of uncertainty and this truly does keep me up at night.
When I go back to school in August I will no longer be able to see my family. That's not dramatic; it's factual. My younger son will be in school where his dad lives. My older son will be working two jobs and going to college. My mother has cancer. The rest of my family isn't local so I wouldn't see them on any given day/weekend anyway. Being back at school means I have to find alternatives for emergency situations with my mom. I can still be her medical power of attorney from afar but I can't really pop in to drop off supplies or say "hey" when she's had a hard week and needs some human interaction.
When I go back in August it will not matter if I am teaching a class full of students or if I am teaching to an empty room with students at home (which, for the record, would be super depressing) because I will be exposed to this stuff daily. I will get it, if I haven't already unknowingly had it, or be a carrier of it, at the very least. It will mean absolute isolation and that freaks me out because I am, by and large, a people person. People are my jam. Add to that a new administrator, new team members, and a very different look to the school year...and it's overwhelming. None of these changes are small ones; in fact, each one drastically alters the status quo that has been established. Maybe that's a good thing but it's an awful lot to consider all at once. Imagine how someone who's not as "me" is feeling right about now.
The biggest slap in the face, I think, is how teachers are being disregarded from the decision-making process. Schools need to open because parents need to get back to work; they can't work from home effectively with their kids around (I get this, I promise) and kids learn better in a routine environment. None of this is wrong. BUT. Teachers went digital with no notice in the spring. Was it perfect? Far from it. We had no time to prepare. Was it functional? Yes, at the most basic level it was definitely that. I was unable to track down all of my students but I was still able to check on them through others. The majority of my kids didn't do their work during the spring. They weren't lazy; far from it. They worked 2-3 jobs and, when they weren't working, they were taking care of siblings so others in the household could work. Very few of my kids just "did nothing" for the spring.
So now, as districts are asked with figuring out how to kickstart a new school year where essentially everyone is behind...all of the precaution and concern is on making campuses safe for the students and I don't disagree with this idea at all, HOWEVER, I'd also like to be considered in these safety plans and I know I'm not the only one. Ask us. You might find our answer surprise you.
Except don't ask me what I think about going back or how I think it'll work because I have no idea. If you were to ask, "Hey, Aubrey, how do you feel about going back to school? Is there anything I can do to help?" I guarantee I'd have a list of ways, not just for me, but for a lot of us.
We're uncertain. We're afraid. We don't want to get sick or get one of our loved ones sick. We don't want to feel guilt if one of our students gets sick...or worse (I can't speak for everyone but I'd drive myself insane wondering if I could've done anything else). And, most of all, I don't want anyone to feel guilt or hurt or pain if something were to happen to me.
How does a kid come back from that? How does ANYONE?
I swear I'll be more upbeat next time. Probably. Maybe.
Aubs
Thursday, July 9, 2020
Friday, June 19, 2020
The Ghost of APUSH
Today I got to meet my APUSH guy's "kid." Since he's spent the last week at my house, working around my boys and my calls for refereeing and beating the bosses on Super Nintendo it only seemed right that he bring his child over. It just so happens that his "child" is an Australian Shepherd that's just over a year old. He has super pale blue eyes and is super soft and cuddly...and super excited to be around people!
I told him from the very beginning to bring Ghost over with him when he came over but when he hadn't come with him for a couple of weeks I stopped thinking he might come over but on Monday he texted and said, "I might bring him if that's okay." YES! When they arrived Ghost greeted me with a thousand puppy kisses all over and we became fast friends. I even typed one-handed so I could throw the ball with the other! It was clear we were insta-besties. And his dad and I managed to get a lot of work done, too, so it was win-win!
Tuesday, my youngest son and I had a day of coffee, allergy shots, a quick trip to Target, a virtual counseling appointment, and a couple of other things and we agreed it was the busiest we'd been in a while. It's so strange to take him to allergy shots only to wait in the car for him. For so long I had to go in with him and distract him while they stabbed him in the arms. It's crazy how quickly things change but I think part of it truly has to do with him just not being around as much.
On Wednesday, Ghost came over again. We had a conference call for almost an hour while we took turns throwing the ball down the hallway or into the living room. He spent a lot of time sitting right next to me and I resisted the urge to lock him in my room so I could keep him. I got lots of cuddles because I knew we weren't going to meet again until next week and I have no idea if Ghost will come with his dad but I sure hope so.
The rest of the week has been pretty low key. My not-so-little little and I have mostly just been hanging out at home. I went to deliver a delayed birthday present (stinking shipping issues) but when I went to start my car...NOTHING. I thought it might be the battery so I checked to see what was working and I was kind of baffled. I called the auto parts store nearest to me and told them what I was thinking. They told me I was wrong. It was cool. Then they told me, "Hey, if you can bring it up here we can diagnose it." Well, you see...it won't start, moron. I called a mobile mechanic and they couldn't get me in until the end of next week so I called my tried and true saviors: Coppell Tire & Auto.
These guys have been around since I was a teenager. They had a different shop then but the guys are still the same. They like me because I call them and tell them my car is a piece of crap and I cuss just as much as they do. BUT their favorite part is when I mimic the sounds my car makes. It's freakin' hilarious, if I do say so myself, and they always get me taken care of as quickly as they can. It's never cheap but it's always done well. This time, I explained the issue to one of the owners and told him what the idiot at the auto parts store said and how he said, even though everything I described was battery-related, it was definitely the starter. We both laughed and laughed and then he said the most beautiful words: "I'm going to send a guy with a jump box to see if he can get it running. Follow him back to the shop and we'll take care of it. If it won't start we'll tow it and get you fixed up."
The guy arrived, jumped it, and an hour or so and $200 later I was on my way to deliver my delayed birthday present. I had been delayed so much that the recipient was no longer home but she did text me later to tell me it was perfect so yay!
Which brings me to my next topic...gift giving. I have a few love languages but the ones that ring the most true are acts of service, gift giving, and quality time. I love to "do" for others and I think it goes hand-in-hand with quality time. Maybe it's as simple as being there or showing I'm committed to someone by attending their activity, sport, performance, etc. It might just be lending an ear or giving advice. It might be making something or writing a note to brighten a day. The point is I am all for it. I'm a nurturer. Gift giving, though, is my jam. I pride myself in coming up with ideas for gifts that are uniquely personal, fun, and totally fitting. I try to combine useful and practical with fun and heartwarming.
For Christmas a couple of years ago, for example, I worked directly with two people. One of them was obsessed with Star Wars, especially Darth Vader, and Milk Duds. I found him a container that had Darth Vader on it and "I find your lack of treats disturbing" and filled it with the little boxes of Milk Duds. He never saw it coming and was THRILLED. After he ate all of the Milk Duds he filled it with mints for his students and it's one of 80-something Darth Vader items in his classroom. For my work bestie I wrote this long, intricate note, that referred to a variety of things, many of which were underlined. These underlined phrases corresponded with gifts in a gift bag that basically wove the tale of our whirlwind and instantaneous friendship. I had socks made with her baddest puppy on them (she's commonly called the Screwdriver because she's a bad bitch) and BFF bar necklaces and some other defining inside joke items that would make zero sense to anyone else.
I like to listen to what others have to say and file away things that are seemingly unimportant to try to use them later to show that I listen and remember and, well, care. There's not enough caring in the world. If I can help or show even one person how much they matter to me then that's purpose.
Adorable, cuddly, fluffy dogs like Ghost are an added bonus.
Aubs
I told him from the very beginning to bring Ghost over with him when he came over but when he hadn't come with him for a couple of weeks I stopped thinking he might come over but on Monday he texted and said, "I might bring him if that's okay." YES! When they arrived Ghost greeted me with a thousand puppy kisses all over and we became fast friends. I even typed one-handed so I could throw the ball with the other! It was clear we were insta-besties. And his dad and I managed to get a lot of work done, too, so it was win-win!
Tuesday, my youngest son and I had a day of coffee, allergy shots, a quick trip to Target, a virtual counseling appointment, and a couple of other things and we agreed it was the busiest we'd been in a while. It's so strange to take him to allergy shots only to wait in the car for him. For so long I had to go in with him and distract him while they stabbed him in the arms. It's crazy how quickly things change but I think part of it truly has to do with him just not being around as much.
On Wednesday, Ghost came over again. We had a conference call for almost an hour while we took turns throwing the ball down the hallway or into the living room. He spent a lot of time sitting right next to me and I resisted the urge to lock him in my room so I could keep him. I got lots of cuddles because I knew we weren't going to meet again until next week and I have no idea if Ghost will come with his dad but I sure hope so.
The rest of the week has been pretty low key. My not-so-little little and I have mostly just been hanging out at home. I went to deliver a delayed birthday present (stinking shipping issues) but when I went to start my car...NOTHING. I thought it might be the battery so I checked to see what was working and I was kind of baffled. I called the auto parts store nearest to me and told them what I was thinking. They told me I was wrong. It was cool. Then they told me, "Hey, if you can bring it up here we can diagnose it." Well, you see...it won't start, moron. I called a mobile mechanic and they couldn't get me in until the end of next week so I called my tried and true saviors: Coppell Tire & Auto.
These guys have been around since I was a teenager. They had a different shop then but the guys are still the same. They like me because I call them and tell them my car is a piece of crap and I cuss just as much as they do. BUT their favorite part is when I mimic the sounds my car makes. It's freakin' hilarious, if I do say so myself, and they always get me taken care of as quickly as they can. It's never cheap but it's always done well. This time, I explained the issue to one of the owners and told him what the idiot at the auto parts store said and how he said, even though everything I described was battery-related, it was definitely the starter. We both laughed and laughed and then he said the most beautiful words: "I'm going to send a guy with a jump box to see if he can get it running. Follow him back to the shop and we'll take care of it. If it won't start we'll tow it and get you fixed up."
The guy arrived, jumped it, and an hour or so and $200 later I was on my way to deliver my delayed birthday present. I had been delayed so much that the recipient was no longer home but she did text me later to tell me it was perfect so yay!
Which brings me to my next topic...gift giving. I have a few love languages but the ones that ring the most true are acts of service, gift giving, and quality time. I love to "do" for others and I think it goes hand-in-hand with quality time. Maybe it's as simple as being there or showing I'm committed to someone by attending their activity, sport, performance, etc. It might just be lending an ear or giving advice. It might be making something or writing a note to brighten a day. The point is I am all for it. I'm a nurturer. Gift giving, though, is my jam. I pride myself in coming up with ideas for gifts that are uniquely personal, fun, and totally fitting. I try to combine useful and practical with fun and heartwarming.
For Christmas a couple of years ago, for example, I worked directly with two people. One of them was obsessed with Star Wars, especially Darth Vader, and Milk Duds. I found him a container that had Darth Vader on it and "I find your lack of treats disturbing" and filled it with the little boxes of Milk Duds. He never saw it coming and was THRILLED. After he ate all of the Milk Duds he filled it with mints for his students and it's one of 80-something Darth Vader items in his classroom. For my work bestie I wrote this long, intricate note, that referred to a variety of things, many of which were underlined. These underlined phrases corresponded with gifts in a gift bag that basically wove the tale of our whirlwind and instantaneous friendship. I had socks made with her baddest puppy on them (she's commonly called the Screwdriver because she's a bad bitch) and BFF bar necklaces and some other defining inside joke items that would make zero sense to anyone else.
I like to listen to what others have to say and file away things that are seemingly unimportant to try to use them later to show that I listen and remember and, well, care. There's not enough caring in the world. If I can help or show even one person how much they matter to me then that's purpose.
Adorable, cuddly, fluffy dogs like Ghost are an added bonus.
Aubs
Friday, June 12, 2020
My life is quotes right now
We all see them. They pop up on social media or in newspapers, magazines, tv newscasts, and about a million other things. Sometimes they just float by, seemingly unnoticed, but every once in a while one of them will stick with you and become your truth. There's not really a rhyme or a reason as to why it does. Maybe it's something you've been dancing around but can't actually verbalize it in your own words. Maybe it's a harsh reality that you've been blatantly ignoring because you want, so desperately, for it to be different. Maybe you don't dare to hope that something that amazing could ever be real for you because it's never happened before so why start now?
I feel you, friends. I've felt every single one of those things and about a million more. And, without really realizing what it is I'm doing, apparently I'm navigating my way back into the dating game. If I'm being real, the thought of it kind of makes me want to vomit. It'll be fine, probably, but it's a nerve-wracking idea that I'm thinking about maybe wrapping my brain around in the near future. You know...or not. I feel like I've said this before and then I got busy doing everything else I could possibly think of so that I was too busy to date. It's a genius, albeit sometimes lonely, plan. I bet you knew there was a quote for that..."I've been single for so long that I'm sending myself mixed messages like I want to date but I really don't want to date." Yep. The end.
Anyway, as I was looking at some ideas on teaching Greek Mythology I came across a quote from The Symposium by Plato: "According to Greek Mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate beings, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves." I know I've read that quote before so I don't know why it "hit" differently this time but it totally did...and it's like it made total sense. My sister has always said her husband is like a male version of her and it's true. They are like two halves of a whole, the male and female version of the same individual. Freaky, right? Let's pause to think about how there might be a male version of me walking around out there somewhere. I hope he's a little less "AHHHH!" than I am; perhaps he's the subdued and super intelligent version. I'd be super cool with that.
Most of the other quotes that I find interesting or profound often don't come with proper citations. In fact, most of them come from Word Porn and I have to remember to crop out the name if I ever send it to anyone because I am a lady and ladies don't send "Word Porn." Or maybe they do and I've had it all wrong for the vast majority of my adult life. This would explain so much.
Another one, author unknown, that is my freakin' anthem is "One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else's survival guide." Here's the deal. If you know me, like REALLY know me, you might know bits and pieces of the hell that was once my life. Or you might not. I am stingy with these truths because of the collateral damage. My boys have been hurt enough in their lifetimes and I have put the past behind me and moved forward, stronger and more resilient. Are there days where I doubt my worth and value? Fuck, yes. Would I have those even without the life I've lived? Probably. As human beings we naturally doubt ourselves. We are all flawed and that's okay. Some people love this shit out of those flaws and it's beautiful and messy and utterly brilliant. Others take those flaws and manipulate them (and you) and turn it into something toxic, hurtful, and cruel. Does that mean we should live the rest of our lives hidden away?
For a LONG time I thought that was the only way but I'm here to tell you...it's one boring ass life. I filled my days with activities and volunteering and all.the.practices and sports and anything organizational. It helped but only minimally. The ugly still loomed overhead constantly until I realized I was the one giving it all the power.
I was thinking about Robin Williams the other day and how his death was such a big deal because it shone a light on just how little we know about the internal battles others are fighting. In fact, he said, "I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make other people happy, because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that." I wouldn't say I'm the saddest person in the world but, man, I do know how much it sucks to hurt and feel worthless and I would rather walk through fire than let anyone I care about, hell, anyone I know feel like they were nothing. I think about things like this all the time. I think about the kids I teach who go out of their way to make sure everyone feels love or has a friend and I wonder how their lives are. Are they doing these things because they've felt that level of sadness and, if so, who has hurt them so deeply so early on in their lives? It breaks my heart over and over again. I honestly just want them to be happy. I want them to feel happiness and love.
And anytime I think of that I immediately think of Harry Potter. I already told you I was a nerd but that Albus Dumbledore is no dummy. He's the one who said (I think it's in the Prisoner of Azkaban), "Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." Now I want to have a Harry Potter marathon instead of my typical "Watch Pride & Prejudice...the dance scene where Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth are so focused on each other that everyone else disappears, sigh wistfully, and go to sleep" routine.
I'll leave you with one more, a quote from Dr. Seuss that totally blew my mind because I had never seen it before and it's so damn true. "We're all a little weird and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." I'm going to put that one on a canvas and hang it in my room as a reminder that weird is freakin' awesome.
And we all know I've got more than enough weird to go around.
Aubs
I feel you, friends. I've felt every single one of those things and about a million more. And, without really realizing what it is I'm doing, apparently I'm navigating my way back into the dating game. If I'm being real, the thought of it kind of makes me want to vomit. It'll be fine, probably, but it's a nerve-wracking idea that I'm thinking about maybe wrapping my brain around in the near future. You know...or not. I feel like I've said this before and then I got busy doing everything else I could possibly think of so that I was too busy to date. It's a genius, albeit sometimes lonely, plan. I bet you knew there was a quote for that..."I've been single for so long that I'm sending myself mixed messages like I want to date but I really don't want to date." Yep. The end.
Anyway, as I was looking at some ideas on teaching Greek Mythology I came across a quote from The Symposium by Plato: "According to Greek Mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate beings, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves." I know I've read that quote before so I don't know why it "hit" differently this time but it totally did...and it's like it made total sense. My sister has always said her husband is like a male version of her and it's true. They are like two halves of a whole, the male and female version of the same individual. Freaky, right? Let's pause to think about how there might be a male version of me walking around out there somewhere. I hope he's a little less "AHHHH!" than I am; perhaps he's the subdued and super intelligent version. I'd be super cool with that.
Most of the other quotes that I find interesting or profound often don't come with proper citations. In fact, most of them come from Word Porn and I have to remember to crop out the name if I ever send it to anyone because I am a lady and ladies don't send "Word Porn." Or maybe they do and I've had it all wrong for the vast majority of my adult life. This would explain so much.
Another one, author unknown, that is my freakin' anthem is "One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else's survival guide." Here's the deal. If you know me, like REALLY know me, you might know bits and pieces of the hell that was once my life. Or you might not. I am stingy with these truths because of the collateral damage. My boys have been hurt enough in their lifetimes and I have put the past behind me and moved forward, stronger and more resilient. Are there days where I doubt my worth and value? Fuck, yes. Would I have those even without the life I've lived? Probably. As human beings we naturally doubt ourselves. We are all flawed and that's okay. Some people love this shit out of those flaws and it's beautiful and messy and utterly brilliant. Others take those flaws and manipulate them (and you) and turn it into something toxic, hurtful, and cruel. Does that mean we should live the rest of our lives hidden away?
For a LONG time I thought that was the only way but I'm here to tell you...it's one boring ass life. I filled my days with activities and volunteering and all.the.practices and sports and anything organizational. It helped but only minimally. The ugly still loomed overhead constantly until I realized I was the one giving it all the power.
I was thinking about Robin Williams the other day and how his death was such a big deal because it shone a light on just how little we know about the internal battles others are fighting. In fact, he said, "I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make other people happy, because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that." I wouldn't say I'm the saddest person in the world but, man, I do know how much it sucks to hurt and feel worthless and I would rather walk through fire than let anyone I care about, hell, anyone I know feel like they were nothing. I think about things like this all the time. I think about the kids I teach who go out of their way to make sure everyone feels love or has a friend and I wonder how their lives are. Are they doing these things because they've felt that level of sadness and, if so, who has hurt them so deeply so early on in their lives? It breaks my heart over and over again. I honestly just want them to be happy. I want them to feel happiness and love.
And anytime I think of that I immediately think of Harry Potter. I already told you I was a nerd but that Albus Dumbledore is no dummy. He's the one who said (I think it's in the Prisoner of Azkaban), "Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." Now I want to have a Harry Potter marathon instead of my typical "Watch Pride & Prejudice...the dance scene where Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth are so focused on each other that everyone else disappears, sigh wistfully, and go to sleep" routine.
I'll leave you with one more, a quote from Dr. Seuss that totally blew my mind because I had never seen it before and it's so damn true. "We're all a little weird and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." I'm going to put that one on a canvas and hang it in my room as a reminder that weird is freakin' awesome.
And we all know I've got more than enough weird to go around.
Aubs
Wednesday, June 10, 2020
Super Nintendo Fun
Today one of my new most favorite people got to meet both of my delightful blessings while we worked on the Roarin' 20s, the Great Depression, World War I, and World War II. Y'all, we're talking FIVE hours spent at my kitchen table, unpacking 20-ish years of history, finding videos, laughing at videos, looking up talking points, referencing page numbers, and taking numerous breaks to laugh at the two teenagers in the other room. Plus, they still call me when they need help beating a "boss" in a castle so I am still super legit.
I laughed a lot today. It was really fun. I should do it more often.
After we made a tentative game plan for tomorrow and Monday to finish up any loose APUSH ends, he took off and the boys and I spent some time doing something super important: round robin Super Nintendo. Listening to them play earlier made me want to play, too. So, after dinner B and I went in the study to start playing. N joined us shortly thereafter and began switching with us every other turn. I kept doing all of the secret levels and they just kept pushing through on the normal levels. They attempted, I should say. I have not laughed so hard in a long time. At one point, N couldn't keep Mario from falling down some stairs and he was all, "Damn. I must've missed the 'wet floor sign' because they clearly just mopped."
I had actual tears.
And it was such a good thing because it's been a hard year for all of us; individually but especially together as a trio. I was super apprehensive about how this week would go, for a variety of reasons, but nights like tonight make my heart so happy. It's simple. It's easy. It's still messy. But it reminds me so much of the times where it was always the three of us and, no matter how much chaos was swirling around, we were a cohesive and solid unit
I miss those days more than I can ever express. If I had it to do over again I would hold onto those days and moments a little bit tighter and commit them to my memory in great detail. When people say "Don't blink," I think this is what they mean.
When I got up this morning I was able to peek in on both of them still sleeping (like the dead) and, even though they're both so much older, I still see remnants of their baby faces when they sleep. It makes me so proud of them for all that they've overcome and accomplished and yet so heartbroken that it came and went in what seems like seconds (sometimes) instead of long, grueling years.
How's that for some perspective? ANYWAY, Super Nintendo was super fun and just the distraction I needed until I got a text from my friend Colleen (Heyyyyyy!) and scrambled to go talk to her. By the time I got situated I had gone into my bedroom and closed the door, gone into the bathroom and closed the door, climbed into the (empty) bathtub and closed the shower curtain to be able to talk, in private, about men. I kept saying, "I feel like 16-year-old me for a whole bunch of different reasons right about now," and it's so true! I kept waiting for my mom to yank on the cord to tell me that she needed to make a call...
Except my phone was charging and I'm the adult in the house. So that's weird.
I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!
Aubs
I laughed a lot today. It was really fun. I should do it more often.
After we made a tentative game plan for tomorrow and Monday to finish up any loose APUSH ends, he took off and the boys and I spent some time doing something super important: round robin Super Nintendo. Listening to them play earlier made me want to play, too. So, after dinner B and I went in the study to start playing. N joined us shortly thereafter and began switching with us every other turn. I kept doing all of the secret levels and they just kept pushing through on the normal levels. They attempted, I should say. I have not laughed so hard in a long time. At one point, N couldn't keep Mario from falling down some stairs and he was all, "Damn. I must've missed the 'wet floor sign' because they clearly just mopped."
I had actual tears.
And it was such a good thing because it's been a hard year for all of us; individually but especially together as a trio. I was super apprehensive about how this week would go, for a variety of reasons, but nights like tonight make my heart so happy. It's simple. It's easy. It's still messy. But it reminds me so much of the times where it was always the three of us and, no matter how much chaos was swirling around, we were a cohesive and solid unit
I miss those days more than I can ever express. If I had it to do over again I would hold onto those days and moments a little bit tighter and commit them to my memory in great detail. When people say "Don't blink," I think this is what they mean.
When I got up this morning I was able to peek in on both of them still sleeping (like the dead) and, even though they're both so much older, I still see remnants of their baby faces when they sleep. It makes me so proud of them for all that they've overcome and accomplished and yet so heartbroken that it came and went in what seems like seconds (sometimes) instead of long, grueling years.
How's that for some perspective? ANYWAY, Super Nintendo was super fun and just the distraction I needed until I got a text from my friend Colleen (Heyyyyyy!) and scrambled to go talk to her. By the time I got situated I had gone into my bedroom and closed the door, gone into the bathroom and closed the door, climbed into the (empty) bathtub and closed the shower curtain to be able to talk, in private, about men. I kept saying, "I feel like 16-year-old me for a whole bunch of different reasons right about now," and it's so true! I kept waiting for my mom to yank on the cord to tell me that she needed to make a call...
Except my phone was charging and I'm the adult in the house. So that's weird.
I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!
Aubs
Tuesday, June 9, 2020
Not-so-empty Nest
After a meeting at school and lunch with my two favorite work men (not workmen but men I work with...I didn't want to say "men at work" because then songs will get stuck in my head, you know, just to clarify) I went to pick up my own incoming freshman. He's spending some time at my house and it's long overdue since we've only seen each other a couple of times while adhering to social distancing guidelines. I haven't had him in my house, eating my food, invading my hula hoop since the beginning of January, aka the beginning of the end.
Oh, how I miss those days.
Side note: Remember that movie, "This is the End" with a shit ton of well-known actors in it? I went to see it with my best movie date, Michelle, on the recommendation of a friend of mine and, after we left, Michelle said Chris was never allowed to have input on our movie dates again. Sorry, Cree Cree! For real, though, I tried to get that movie. I tried to like it. I didn't get it. If there was cinematic brilliance there then I totally missed the boat on that one...or I wasn't drinking enough. That might have also been true.
But I digress.
Anyway, I picked B up and we came back to my house and he got himself situated while we discussed the grocery list that I failed to buy because I didn't feel like it at the time. It happens. I set up a mobile order for pickup but, as it often happens, I looked at my list and realized there were only 15 things on it so I decided just to go and do it myself. We were just kind of hanging out waiting for my college kid (so weird to say that) to get off work and come over so when B said he wanted to work on homework I said I'd go to the store. Upon my return I discovered B was not, in fact, doing homework for a summer class, but instead playing Xbox.
Shocking.
N arrived in a cranky mood because he was exhausted so we had a rough and rocky start to our time together. He'll only be around for a couple of days because he's working a fair amount this week but it's a bummer that he started off the short amount of time together by being asleep by 7:15. I hope tomorrow is better. I hope we have a good time together. I hope we can channel how it used to be and not how it's become.
Oh, how I miss those days.
I miss the jokes and the laughter and the boy ridiculousness. I miss the innocence and the love and the fierce loyalty. There's so much hurt and hatred and indifference these days. It's hard to be both hateful and indifferent at the same time but it's happening. It's weird.
Lots of things are weird. My head is full of so many things that keep bouncing around but, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get them out in a way that makes sense. Or maybe I can and I just don't want to...I mean, I do...but I don't.
How's that for cryptic?
Aubs
Monday, June 8, 2020
How is it already early-mid June?
I honestly don't even know. I've lost track of the days, weeks, and months any number of times by now. It's crazy to think that June 12 will signify 3 months since I've been at school on a normal schedule. Since then I've been there twice; tomorrow will be three times. I'm going for a meeting to work on aligning planning time effectively across the various levels of the subjects I'll be teaching next year.
As I was sitting on my couch watching the last episode and a half of the History Channel series called "Grant," (more on that in a minute) I had a quasi "oh shit" moment as I realized that I'm responsible for two AP curriculums next year. This isn't a surprise because...what have I been working on with my newly dubbed favorite (just dubbed him...just now...trying it out...not sure it'll stick but we'll see) for the last week and a half? Sure, we have an entertaining time but it's still working on school stuff. Never would I have ever thought I'd dub him a "favorite," but the whole new year new you mentality has really been a game changer, perhaps for both of us. Anyway. Curriculum. One AP class is stressful because it's preparing students for the course they're taking in high school and also a test that they take to determine if they have to take the class again in college or not. With APUSH you also get to add the additional pressure of it being a state tested subject so there's ANOTHER test they get to take (usually in the same week-10 days) but it's fine. Now, because I thought this would be a genius idea (and others agreed and backed me on the cultivation of this idea) I get to do that for two classes, although only one of them is a tested subject. Reprieve!
It will be fine. By working on aligning and organizing this summer I will feel a lot less overwhelmed going into this school year because I'll have familiarity with the material but, when you just think about it out of the blue, the color might drain from your face and you might have a second where you struggle to breathe. No? Just me. Okay, that's cool.
Grant documentary: When the History Channel releases something new I take it with a grain of salt. The caliber of work that has been released has slipped in recent years and I find it hard to teach half-truths. It's just this crazy standard I have. But I heard the Grant documentary was excellent, really excellent, so last night I watched the first episode. Today when we were working on APUSH, my newly dubbed favorite said, "I watched the Grant documentary last night." and I said, "Me, too! The first episode," and he said, "I watched the first two. It's like a movie with documentary clips," and I agreed. It was really well done. We both agreed that we didn't know a ton about Grant and that was so refreshing to me for some reason. One of the appeals of teaching social studies, especially history, is that it doesn't change. What I focus on might change but it already happened. The bonus is that I learn more each year because I am able to go more in depth. It's especially a bonus when you teach the same subject multiple years in a row, something that hasn't happened for me until now. This coming year I will get to combine last year with the previous year (with a twist since the course changed) and I am wholeheartedly welcoming some familiarity.
I hope I don't choke.
There have been a lot of questions lately. Since I'm a teacher I field questions from students, parents, friends, family, and random people...all asking the same question(s): "What is next year going to look like?" closely followed by "What does that mean for sports?" In order...nobody knows yet but it will probably be a game time decision. We've been told to prepare to teach in person, or online, or a combination of both. See? It's not any clearer to us either. As far as sports the only thing I've heard is sporting events could be closed to spectators. I just don't know. And I am aware that it would really suck for...well everyone....so that's why I don't want to talk about it. What I will say is that a friend of mine from another district sent me an article today that basically said her district is looking at doing classes both in person and online and I responded with the following statement: "So this crap for a variety of reasons, the main one being that digital learning did not work. Kids are even more behind. They can't or won't or don't take it seriously and the district backs itself into a corner because who is going to fail a kid in the midst of a pandemic for staying home to stay safe?" and then I rant a little before continuing, "If you want digital learning to work then you need to rewind the clock and nip the problem in the bud. Then you need to pay teachers overtime during the holiday break to prepare valuable and useful curriculum. Then you need to use the time from January to the end of February to teach online in the classroom so students understand the expectations and THEN roll out digital learning. No pass/fail. No changing it up. Pick something and stick with it. Require students to attend a minimum of one Zoom meeting per week, per class. Use check-ins for attendance. Hold. Them. Accountable. And realize this will never truly work because the inequity, especially in regard to technology and internet access, will always be there. The problem is the precedent has been set and kids will continue to not take it seriously...most of them fail to realize just how much this is hurting them. The few that do understand that they're looking at a huge educational deficit while the majority of them are all, 'Yay! Five months of summer!' and this generation is our future."
And then I stepped down off my soapbox and I'm still waiting for a reply that is not a bitmoji.
In the personal world of Aubs, I've stepped into a huge conundrum and I'm not sure how to solve it. To those of you who know me this is not a shock. To be able to explain it would require way more honesty, frankness, and harsh reality than I choose to put out there right now but...damn...you should see my draft posts. They're full of musings and speculation and utter ridiculously foolish "hearts in your eyes" insanity. It. Is. INSANITY.
I think. Probably. Unless it's not.
UGH. Men. I swear.
Aubs
As I was sitting on my couch watching the last episode and a half of the History Channel series called "Grant," (more on that in a minute) I had a quasi "oh shit" moment as I realized that I'm responsible for two AP curriculums next year. This isn't a surprise because...what have I been working on with my newly dubbed favorite (just dubbed him...just now...trying it out...not sure it'll stick but we'll see) for the last week and a half? Sure, we have an entertaining time but it's still working on school stuff. Never would I have ever thought I'd dub him a "favorite," but the whole new year new you mentality has really been a game changer, perhaps for both of us. Anyway. Curriculum. One AP class is stressful because it's preparing students for the course they're taking in high school and also a test that they take to determine if they have to take the class again in college or not. With APUSH you also get to add the additional pressure of it being a state tested subject so there's ANOTHER test they get to take (usually in the same week-10 days) but it's fine. Now, because I thought this would be a genius idea (and others agreed and backed me on the cultivation of this idea) I get to do that for two classes, although only one of them is a tested subject. Reprieve!
It will be fine. By working on aligning and organizing this summer I will feel a lot less overwhelmed going into this school year because I'll have familiarity with the material but, when you just think about it out of the blue, the color might drain from your face and you might have a second where you struggle to breathe. No? Just me. Okay, that's cool.
Grant documentary: When the History Channel releases something new I take it with a grain of salt. The caliber of work that has been released has slipped in recent years and I find it hard to teach half-truths. It's just this crazy standard I have. But I heard the Grant documentary was excellent, really excellent, so last night I watched the first episode. Today when we were working on APUSH, my newly dubbed favorite said, "I watched the Grant documentary last night." and I said, "Me, too! The first episode," and he said, "I watched the first two. It's like a movie with documentary clips," and I agreed. It was really well done. We both agreed that we didn't know a ton about Grant and that was so refreshing to me for some reason. One of the appeals of teaching social studies, especially history, is that it doesn't change. What I focus on might change but it already happened. The bonus is that I learn more each year because I am able to go more in depth. It's especially a bonus when you teach the same subject multiple years in a row, something that hasn't happened for me until now. This coming year I will get to combine last year with the previous year (with a twist since the course changed) and I am wholeheartedly welcoming some familiarity.
I hope I don't choke.
There have been a lot of questions lately. Since I'm a teacher I field questions from students, parents, friends, family, and random people...all asking the same question(s): "What is next year going to look like?" closely followed by "What does that mean for sports?" In order...nobody knows yet but it will probably be a game time decision. We've been told to prepare to teach in person, or online, or a combination of both. See? It's not any clearer to us either. As far as sports the only thing I've heard is sporting events could be closed to spectators. I just don't know. And I am aware that it would really suck for...well everyone....so that's why I don't want to talk about it. What I will say is that a friend of mine from another district sent me an article today that basically said her district is looking at doing classes both in person and online and I responded with the following statement: "So this crap for a variety of reasons, the main one being that digital learning did not work. Kids are even more behind. They can't or won't or don't take it seriously and the district backs itself into a corner because who is going to fail a kid in the midst of a pandemic for staying home to stay safe?" and then I rant a little before continuing, "If you want digital learning to work then you need to rewind the clock and nip the problem in the bud. Then you need to pay teachers overtime during the holiday break to prepare valuable and useful curriculum. Then you need to use the time from January to the end of February to teach online in the classroom so students understand the expectations and THEN roll out digital learning. No pass/fail. No changing it up. Pick something and stick with it. Require students to attend a minimum of one Zoom meeting per week, per class. Use check-ins for attendance. Hold. Them. Accountable. And realize this will never truly work because the inequity, especially in regard to technology and internet access, will always be there. The problem is the precedent has been set and kids will continue to not take it seriously...most of them fail to realize just how much this is hurting them. The few that do understand that they're looking at a huge educational deficit while the majority of them are all, 'Yay! Five months of summer!' and this generation is our future."
And then I stepped down off my soapbox and I'm still waiting for a reply that is not a bitmoji.
In the personal world of Aubs, I've stepped into a huge conundrum and I'm not sure how to solve it. To those of you who know me this is not a shock. To be able to explain it would require way more honesty, frankness, and harsh reality than I choose to put out there right now but...damn...you should see my draft posts. They're full of musings and speculation and utter ridiculously foolish "hearts in your eyes" insanity. It. Is. INSANITY.
I think. Probably. Unless it's not.
UGH. Men. I swear.
Aubs
Tuesday, June 2, 2020
Word Fits
Today while my APUSH buddy and I were working on cleaning up and organizing our game plan for next year, he said the most true thing ever. Before I explain, let me give you some back story...some broader context, if you will. That was incredibly nerdy, even for me. I still like it, though.
So we were talking about Natives and how one particular group, the Iroquois, were very opportunistic as a means of survival. They sided with whatever settlers were going to be the most useful to them. The problem is that we were putting together bullet points on slide so we needed to be succinct. He says, "So what I want to say is..." and proceeds to launch into this incredibly detailed and fascinating overview of the gist of what he wants to say and the points he wants to convey. It goes for a long time. A really long time. I'm doing a good job not laughing because...I get it, man. I get caught up in stories or random pieces of knowledge and I just GO, especially if I have a captive audience. So, he's still going and going and finally he says, "You know...but shorter."
Y'all, I burst out laughing and said, "Sooooo, self-preservation?" and he said, "Yes. That's much shorter. I think I just had a word fit." I looked at him, puzzled, and he went on to explain that it was from some Lonesome Dove prequel and basically it was a term that was used when someone went on an impromptu monologue, and I felt that because I word fit ALL.THE.TIME. (You know, like on blog posts.)
Once again, we got a ton of work done in a few short hours but what I think I enjoy the most is that we talk about other stuff, too. We go off on tangents and wind up telling stories about other stuff and the end result is that I learn a lot and understand him a lot more. I think it's like that for all people but they have to let you in and it took a long ass time for him to let me in.
We agreed to take tomorrow off and then resume working on Thursday and Friday and, ideally, we should be done in about a week or so. By the end of next week, we should be at least through the vast majority of the curriculum. It already feels like we've been "off" for so long that we should be back on the planning wagon. And, hearing him talk about how he was thrown into the APUSH ring, I was hit with the realization that I was him this year and he was his "veteran" teacher...and then he got it. It was a moment.
Speaking of moments, my blue-eyed boy claims he's coming over next week and that makes me happy. He hasn't been over since January because precautionary measures. I'm beyond excited to see him and I hope my brown-eyed boy is able to make an appearance, too. It's been a long time since we've all been together and my mama heart could use a refill.
Aubs
So we were talking about Natives and how one particular group, the Iroquois, were very opportunistic as a means of survival. They sided with whatever settlers were going to be the most useful to them. The problem is that we were putting together bullet points on slide so we needed to be succinct. He says, "So what I want to say is..." and proceeds to launch into this incredibly detailed and fascinating overview of the gist of what he wants to say and the points he wants to convey. It goes for a long time. A really long time. I'm doing a good job not laughing because...I get it, man. I get caught up in stories or random pieces of knowledge and I just GO, especially if I have a captive audience. So, he's still going and going and finally he says, "You know...but shorter."
Y'all, I burst out laughing and said, "Sooooo, self-preservation?" and he said, "Yes. That's much shorter. I think I just had a word fit." I looked at him, puzzled, and he went on to explain that it was from some Lonesome Dove prequel and basically it was a term that was used when someone went on an impromptu monologue, and I felt that because I word fit ALL.THE.TIME. (You know, like on blog posts.)
Once again, we got a ton of work done in a few short hours but what I think I enjoy the most is that we talk about other stuff, too. We go off on tangents and wind up telling stories about other stuff and the end result is that I learn a lot and understand him a lot more. I think it's like that for all people but they have to let you in and it took a long ass time for him to let me in.
We agreed to take tomorrow off and then resume working on Thursday and Friday and, ideally, we should be done in about a week or so. By the end of next week, we should be at least through the vast majority of the curriculum. It already feels like we've been "off" for so long that we should be back on the planning wagon. And, hearing him talk about how he was thrown into the APUSH ring, I was hit with the realization that I was him this year and he was his "veteran" teacher...and then he got it. It was a moment.
Speaking of moments, my blue-eyed boy claims he's coming over next week and that makes me happy. He hasn't been over since January because precautionary measures. I'm beyond excited to see him and I hope my brown-eyed boy is able to make an appearance, too. It's been a long time since we've all been together and my mama heart could use a refill.
Aubs
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)